"So, why did you taking me with you? I'm a little embarrassed to leave the library without finishing work."
"In short, I was sitting in the local Maldives, relaxing and chatting with the ponies closest to me. But my idyll was interrupted by a letter from Celestia in which I was informed that another human had appeared in Equestria! Moreover, he got here with the whole house! "
" Shouldn't this have made you happy? "
" Perhaps I would have chuckled if the letter had ended there. But it wasn't the end. In the letter, I was quite directly ordered to help him adapt. What nonsense. "
" Uh, well, I feel sorry for you, Daniel. But I still don't understand why you decided to take me with you. "
Why is a person who is so often with one of the smartest ponies so dumb?
"Two reasons. First of all, I'm annoyed with this situation right now and I need someone who will at least try to stop me from massacring. Secondly, I need witnesses that I am not suitable for such a job. "
"Wait a minute. Don't you want to help him? "
"Why do I need this? For some temporary sense of coolness? I don't need it for free. "
.
.
.
"You do realize how selfish that sounds, right?"
Yes, I understand. I don't really care about that.
"Okay, you don't have to answer, I understood everything from your face. But anyway, why me? Why didn't you take any of your friends?"
"Because one is busy with his job as captain of the guard, and the other is walking around strip clubs again. Feeds on love, damn it."
"What is a strip club?"
Do you think I know?
"It seems to me that you can only communicate by facial expression."
"I haven't figured out how to relate to your statement yet, so be happy and look for the house we need."
"Which house do we need?"
"Wait, you don't know? Like, they didn't even tell you how they found the house and found out that there was a human in it?"
"Nope."
Poor guy.
"In short, I will retell what I learned from Celestia's letter. Fluttershy was minding her own business and found a house on the outskirts of the forest that looked like a concrete box. Since she is a coward manipulator, she called her friends and they walked up to the house together. The door opened, they saw a human. A storm, a spark, he screamed in horror and barricaded himself in. Well, at least he hid at home and wouldn't open the door. "
"Eh, a good ending, I guess? "" Did you just want to say something so you wouldn't have to put up with the silence and look mentally retarded? "
"Well, maybe. "
"The next time you have such a desire but nothing really comes to mind, tell A. "
"Just A? "
"Yes, just the very first letter of the alphabet. "
"A."
I'll work well with him.
"Yes, we'll work really well together."
"Oh look! Is this the house we need?"
"Hmm? Oh, I can't help you here."
"Why?"
"I forgot to take my glasses with me. All I see is a gray spot with a lot of green spots behind it."
"A."
So, a normal person in this situation probably tried to get information from a person who sees normally. But first of all, I don't have time for this. And secondly, I'm not a normal person.
"Hey, what are you doing!?"
"You seem to have normal eyesight. I am going to, presumably, the house of another human in order to prove my inefficiency as soon as possible and leave again for the local equivalent of the Maldives."
"I see it. But I mean, what are you going to do? Just break in?"
"Well, yes. Are you suggesting that we stand here for half an hour and try to persuade him to come out? "
"What if he's sleeping now? I wouldn't like it if someone woke me up."
Human is not equal to dragon. The conclusion is that your words have no value. Although. . .
"Okay, offer your own version. You have a couple of seconds before my patience runs out."
"Um, well, maybe knock on the door, at least?"
"Let's say. It's very stupid, but let's say. Let me try it."
Knock Knock
.
.
.
It didn't work. I wonder why?
"So, Spike, your decision turned out to be completely ineffective. What can you say for yourself?"
"A."
"A decent answer. Now watch how the master of practical problems solves it."
BUT kicking the door in silence is kind of boring. You need to say something to start the conversation right away. For example. . .
"I know what you were doing last night!"
BAM. CLAP. Top top.
"So the door is open! Now you either come out to talk to us or I'll kick down another door!"
"It seems to me that you're acting like some kind of villain right now."
"Spike, you're still young and joking, so it's important for you to find out. A villain is not someone who does terrible things. A villain is someone who is on the side that is supported by fewer people."
Wise as always.
"Uh, it doesn't seem quite right to me. . . "
"Study the history a little bit and you'll understand what I mean."
"Uh, no. I'd rather forget about what you just said."
That's why you're a slave.
"Can you not look at me like that anymore? This face-to-face communication is a bit stressful."
"Well, I don't even know if it's worth it. . ."
"You. . . Are you human? Please tell me I'm not wrong. Please tell me that I'm still on the Ground and I just hit my head hard and started hallucinating."
Oh, here comes the customer.
"Well, well, who do we have here? Uh, damn it. Can you please come closer? I'm not very comfortable talking to a set of spots. Although one of your spots look a little sharp. Is that a knife?"
"Are you human!? Please be like that. Please. . ."
How weak. I can see it even with my eyes closed.
"Oh, yes, I'm human. One hundred percent of what's left. However, everything you see is not a hallucination. You are in Equestria, the land of authoritarianism, oligarchy and idiocracy. In short, you can assume that nothing has changed."
DING
"E-Equestria? Like, what was the country in that animated series for girls?"
"What is he talking about?"
How should I know? I have other things to do with my life besides watching cartoons. For example, a vacation in the local equivalent of the Maldives!
"Ah, the lizard is talking!"
"Hey, I'm actually a dragon."
"When I first saw you, I also thought you were a lizard. Are you sure you're a dragon?"
"I'm absolutely sure!"
Okay, stop humiliating the child. We need to get busy.
"In short. My name is Daniel. What's your name?"
"Uh, A-Arthur. Arthur. My name is Arthur."
"Great. It sounds like a name that I'll forget in a couple of minutes. Arthur, can you write somewhere that I can't help you adapt and you need someone else to do it? "
"I could. But w-why?"
"I. . ."
"He wants to go on vacation to the islands and for this he needs to either help you adapt or show that he is not suitable for this activity."
I love honest people. Especially myself.
"Uh, do you really give a damn about me that much? Like, it must have been hard for you when you got here. And you absolutely don't want to help someone who is in the same situation?"
"What makes you think it was hard for me? According to the data that I have everything that you have experienced here so far, this is the first meeting with a pony."
GULP
"Well, you know, my sister loves the series very much. Well, this series is about ponies and where events take place in Equestria. And, well, in order to spend more time with my sister, I watched the series with her and read fan fiction. So I've roughly seen this plot with human getting here."
Should I take him to a specialist? Hmm.
"Should we take him to the doctor?"
"I've been thinking about that too, Spike. But I decided that it was not worth it."
"Do you both think I'm crazy?"
"No, it's just that what you're saying would Twilight describe as, well, something in the style of Pinkie?"
"I'll translate it. He said that you were saying absolutely illogical things, without physical evidence, and you generally looked stupid. By the way, even if you have physical evidence, most creatures will refuse to accept it."
"I'll still try to prove it!"
Surprise me.
"Uh, was it my imagination, or did you just say something like 'surprise me' with your face?"
"I noticed it too! It's weird, isn't it?"
"So, we're getting off topic. Arthur, speak quickly or show your incredible proof."
And quickly.
"Well, I can say for sure that when you got here, you were in the forest!"
"Okay, yes it was. Next."
"Then you found the city and spent the night in the unicorn library."
"No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"After I woke up in the forest and fought with wolves made of wood, I found an abandoned castle. It became my base for a few weeks."
So you screwed up, Arthur.
"Uh, uh, okay, okay! It was just a small error. I can tell for sure that you had a welcome party."
"Passing by again. When I finally came to this city, I started a fight. As a result of which he defeated all the heroes, by the way."
"Ahem, but then Princess Luna came and, ahem, defeated you in the dry."
I was going to say that.
"Okay, okay, okay. After you lost, you probably talked to Celestia, right? Is that right!?"
"Yeah."
"See? I guessed right! Everything here was really in the animated series and fanfiction."
"Arthur, why are you telling me all this? What are you trying to prove to whom when you tie things up with white threads?"
"Yes! Why all this talk at all?"
"I-I just want to feel that at least something here is familiar to me."
Oh, how dramatic. Come here, I'll tell you something.
"Arthur, step forward, I need to tell you something."
"Uh, what exactly? I hope it has something to do with getting out of here. I don't really want to stay here. Like of course it's bright here and there's no pollution but. . ."
"That's exactly what I wanted to talk about. There's no way out, Arthur. Generally."
"What!? No, this can't be happening! If I somehow got here, there must be a way out!"
"Nope. Even if there is a way out, it will take you more than a year to find it. "
"Why did you decide to say it now!? It's already hard for me and you're only making it worse! It was already terrible. . ."
So, the main goal is on the verge of failure. And it's all because of me. There are witnesses. Excellent.
"Well, Arthur, I have nothing more to say. I went to the train station. I think by the time I get there, Spike will have already sent a report on everything that happened. Isn't that right, Spike?"
"Writing again."
"You can't leave me like that after such a revelation! If there is anything good in you, you should stay at least for a couple of minutes!"
"Such manipulations don't work for me, Arthur. Relax at home, adapt, become stronger. I really don't care. Come on, Spike."
.
.
.
"I'm coming."
You just can't. . .
"Daniel?"
"What?"
"Don't you think you've crossed the line? Like, I've known for a long time that you're not very kind, but today you seem to have reached a new level."
"Uuuh. What do you want from me, Spike?"
"So that you can go back there and help Arthur."
“No. Next time you want to talk, send emails to the local Maldives."
"I have no idea what the address is! There are many islands around Equestria!"
"I know."
And so, I returned to my well-deserved rest.
