Author's Note

Hey guys, I am BACK

Have some angst and Spike handling the situation for once.

Chapter 18

Standing on her hind legs, Rainbow blankly looks out the window in her room, head resting on crossed fore legs, perched on the window sill. It was long past midnight, and despite being tired, she has no interest in seeing Luna tonight.

Not that she could fall asleep in the first place, her thoughts running wild and unable to pick a side.
She knows that she’s only prolonging the inevitable. Both in terms of sleep, and in terms of this thing killing her.

Her thoughts have turned dark about an hour ago, and now she’s furious. She just achieved her lifelong dream, how can something stupid like this, just take it away from her?!

Her tired eyes hallucinate the stars in the sky moving, turning into an outline of her previous self, all proud and strong, soaring about the night sky. She longs to fly like that again, but at the moment she’s too tired to even attempt it.

And, much to her major annoyance, she was also too hungry. She hadn’t managed more than two bites at dinner, Twilight’s encouragements having no avail. Dash was just too upset about her only hope being crushed. Which in itself makes her mad, because she should feel confident about beating this thing thanks to her friends, and not because of a pony they’d never met and never will be able to meet.

It was now getting close to 4am and Rainbow could no longer deny that she felt like she was starving. Not just hungry but actually starving.
And the worst part is that her disordered brain is telling her that this is good, this is how it’s supposed to be, you’re doing so well.

She glares at nothing in particular. “Shut up, I’m not listening to you.” She growls in a low whisper, not wanting to accidentally wake up anyone.

Making up her mind, she abandons the window and makes her way into the castle’s kitchen. She has absolutely no plan, other than that she has to eat something.

But when she gets there and sees all the options, her determination falters. There were just too many options, and without Twilight here with her to watch her and make sure that she eats, the voice tells her that she doesn’t need food yet, it wasn’t even morning yet, she’d be going off Twilight’s strict meal plans and ruin everything,… and she takes a hesitant step backwards.

She squeezes her eyes shut to try to block out the blasted voice. She wants to eat, damn it..!

Rainbow makes another attempt, tries to pick up a simple apple from a fruit basket. The voice shouts such a loud “NO!” that she’s almost sure half of Ponyville must have heard it.

She pulls her hoof back to herself, and her mixed emotions spill over into desperate tears. She bucks the air in frustration, then just curls up on the kitchen floor and cries, dripping tears filled with hopelessness onto the floor.

She isn’t strong enough. She will end up like the other pony.
Just another lost pony.

She doesn’t know how long she lays there, crying silently into the morning hours, when she suddenly hears footsteps approaching.

She looks up and watches Spike yawn, then rub his barely open eyes as he continues to come inside. He hasn’t taken notice of her yet, just seems to go through muscle memory as he grabs a glass and fills it with tap water.

Rainbow thinks about getting up and hiding somewhere, not wanting to be seen like this, but she was too numb and apathetic to make a single move.

Spike turns around as he drinks, then finally opens his eyes, and startles half to death. “Ah!” He almost drops the glass, but catches it before it could hit the ground and shatter. He takes a few heavy breaths, then sighs. “What are you doing here? The sun isn’t even up.”

Ashamed again by her failure, Dash only looks away sadly.

Surprised by her reaction, and wondering what the pegasus was even doing, laying on the kitchen floor so early, he places the glass on the kitchen counter and walks the few steps over to her. “Is… everything alright?” He asks gently, then remembers the time when he’d found her unconscious. “Did you pass out again??”

Tilting her head in momentary confusion, Dash replies, “no… nothing like that.” Her voice is raw and scratchy and her throat actually hurts.

He winces at the sound. That couldn’t be comfortable. “Let me get you some water.” Spike decides, going to do just that. Living with Twilight and her never ending checklists, and the checklists for the checklists, has taught him to always just tackle one thing — the easiest and most doable — after the other.

Besides, he would leave the more serious tasks to Twilight, because Spike is definitely not equipped to handle Dash’s problem, and he was not going to risk making a mistake and making her worse.

He gives Rainbow the glass and tells her that he’ll check if Twilight is awake yet.

“No..! Don’t.” She says.

“..why not?” He asks, still halfway through the doorway.

Dash sighs. “Because I’m the biggest failure in all of Equestria.” She grumbles.

Spike can’t help but smile ruefully. “I think you might be exaggerating a little.” He comes back to her side. “What’s going on? Because most ponies come into the kitchen for food or a drink, not sleep on the floor.” He jokes half-heartedly.

Rainbow drinks the rest of her water and cringes momentarily at her gnawing stomach. “I did come here for food.” She mutters bitterly.

Spike waits for her to continue, but the pegasus goes silent again. He looks around and can’t help but notice that the whole kitchen looks untouched. There was no evidence anywhere of someone having eaten anything here since yesterday.

“O-kaaay...” He says mostly to himself, not knowing what else he could say to that. He decides to change the subject… kind of. “Mind if I grab a few gems? I’m pretty hungry.” He adds without hesitation.

“Go ahead.” Dash replies earnestly. She curiously watches the dragon take out a handful of little gems from one of the cupboards, before joyfully cracking one with his teeth as he chews.

How could something so normal become such a struggle? She wonders.

The first rays of sunshine enter the room through the windows, and Rainbow is once again torn. It was morning now, which means that she’s allowed to eat again, but instead, the voice is reminding her that Twilight is not here yet, so she could go a bit longer without eating.

Frustrated beyond belief, she groans loudly and bangs a front hoof against her head repeatedly. “Shut up, shut up, shut up,…” she whispers to herself, and fresh tears emerge as she tries to fight this demon that has taken over her life.

Spike drops his last gem without a second thought and pushes himself between the abusing hoof and her front, hugging the Pegasus on autopilot. He doesn’t know why he didn’t just call for Twilight, but his own instincts have taken over at the sight of his friend hurting herself. “It’s going to be okay.” He promises her genuinely.

For a moment, Dash wants to push him away and scream that nothing is okay, but then all tension just leaves her body, because she realises that she doesn’t have to depend on Twilight to fight her battles for her, doesn’t need anyone else to make the decisions for her.

It- She will be okay. Because she has friends that she can count on. Who will be there for her, no matter what.

She won’t become another lost pony.

“…hey, Spike? I think I’m in the mood for a real breakfast.”

If he noticed the wavering in her voice, he doesn’t let on. “Any requests?”

When Twilight comes out of her bedroom a while later, she could hear giggling and happy banter the closer she gets to the kitchen.

“And then, we found this huge gem, probably bigger than a pony, and her magic couldn’t get it out of the cave wall, so I decided to take matters in- oh, hey Twilight!” Spike calls happily, interrupting his story.

To the alicorn’s surprise, the two were eating pancakes, sitting on the kitchen floor.

“Hope you don’t mind, we started breakfast a little early.” Her assistant adds when Rainbow is momentarily stunned into an awkward silence again.

“I don’t.. huh?” Twilight stutters. Yesterday, Dash had barely managed to eat a thing, they’d both felt utterly defeated, so this is a very stark contrast. She’s almost sure that she’s still asleep, somehow.

“Don’t worry, they’re protein pancakes. I found a recipe in the book you…. Twilight? You okay?” Spike asks.

Rainbow looks away, not daring to take another bite, convinced that Twilight is mad at her for not following the meal plan’s strict time schedule. To her huge surprise, the alicorn suddenly all but tackles her, hugging the Pegasus in immense relief.

Spike just smiles at the display, swallowing the last bit of his pancake, then gets to his feet. “I’ll make us some more.” He says, then pours the needed amount of batter into the frying pan.

Twilight releases her friend, throwing the Pegasus a very proud smile, which causes the latter to blush. Rainbow manages to continue eating her pancake, which is made ten times easier when Twilight gets her own to eat with her.
“Thank you, Spike.” She tells him genuinely, meaning so much more than just ‘thanks’ for making breakfast. He only grins, knowing exactly what she means, and goes back to the stove.

“Dash, want another one?” Spike asks when the next one is done. His way of handling Rainbow’s problem is apparently to just treat her normally. He doesn’t hesitate to ask, and he doesn’t pressure her to eat when she replies,

“No thanks, I’m good.”

Twilight seems to want to say something, but then thinks better of it. She’s just glad that Dash is eating again, in the first place. Though she can’t help but notice that the Pegasus looks utterly worn out.
“Did you have more nightmares?” She asks carefully, afraid that she’ll ruin the good mood.

Rainbow shakes her head. “Couldn’t sleep.” She takes another bite, mostly to prolong the time until she has to talk about what really happened last night. “I had a rough night… I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hopeless before, but Spike was a great help.”

Part of Twilight wants to ask why she hadn’t come to her, if she was feeling so bad.

Rainbow continues, in a much more cheery tone. “And he still has to finish telling me about that time when he and Rarity were gem hunting.”

Spike laughs at that, takes the newest pancake for himself and continues his tale.