Author's Note

You guys are absolutely going to hate me for the next couple of chapters.

Chapter 22

“Where are you going?” Twilight asks when Dash walks right past the kitchen when they’re back in the Friendship Castle.

“I think I’ll just go sleep for a bit…” She sighs. “I’m pretty tired out.”

“Do you need anything?” Twilight asks, meaning if Dash needed more food.

Dash shakes her head. Truth be told, food was currently the last thing on her mind, and she still felt ill to her stomach from earlier.

“Alright..” Twilight says, watching her friend with an uneasy feeling. Ever since leaving the Compound, Dash has refused to so much as glance anywhere near her. It was like there was suddenly this invisible barrier between the two friends. She felt like Rainbow was unreachable, despite being right there with her.

She remains in the hallway even after Rainbow closed the door, wondering what she should do. It’s obvious that something is bothering the pegasus, but something tells her not to press, and to give her some space for now.

When it becomes obvious that Twilight isn’t moving, Spike comes over to her side. “How is she?”

Twilight only shakes her head before closing her eyes, an action so familiar that Spike only grimaces and lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“I’m so scared.” She whispers, ears pinned back.

A while later, Twilight is residing in the kitchen with Spike. The dragon had made her some tea to calm her nerves, and the alicorn was once again nose deep in the only book that she’s been reading as of late.

Warning signs of progression of the disease, physically and mentally:

Constantly feeling cold and shivering when the body runs out of storages to convert to energy in order to keep them warm

Extreme physical weakness, to the point of being unable to get up

Chest pains, from exertion or during rest

Complete refusal to consume food or water in presence of others / Only eating in secret and hiding food

Refusal to consume liquids at all, for fear of gaining weight

'Getting rid' of consumed foods by inducing vomiting or abusing laxatives

Severe constipation from GI tract shutting down — Can lead to laxative abu-

Twilight startles when she hears the soft steps of Rainbow finally emerging. She’s surprised to see the pegasus with a blanket thrown over her back. Was she feeling cold again already?

She stays silent while the pegasus grabs a prepared protein shake from the fridge. Twilight has a bunch of prepared meals ready for her, especially now.

Although.. she may have gone a bit overboard with it, but in her defence, it had given her something to do, before she eventually went back to the book that she simultaneously dreads and looks forward to reading.

“It’s almost dinner time.” Twilight can’t stop herself from pointing out.

“I’m aware.” Rainbow says a bit snarky. “But I’m sick of solid food right now.” She explains before sipping from the shake.

Twilight just nods, turning back to her book as to not make Dash feel like she’s being watched.

She’s in for a surprise when, shortly after, colourful strands of hair obstruct her visual field. “Yah-!”

“What’cha reading?” Dash asks curiously, and when she tries to get a better look, Twilight slams the book shut and levitates it out of reach. Dash glares at her. “Twilight.”

“Sorry, but I think it’s for the best if you didn’t read it.” The alicorn informs her apologetically. The last thing they all need is for Dash to get even worse ideas right now.

The pegasus frowns, but doesn’t press further. She makes no attempts to fly up and grab the book for herself, which feels very unlike her usually brash friend.

In fact, she’s hardly moving at all. The same way she’d been weeks ago, before she was able to fly again.

“You okay?” Twilight asks, eyeing the pegasus.

“Fine.”

Twilight raises an eyebrow in question.

Rainbow rolls her eyes and turns away, taking a seat at the table and pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders. “I’m just sore.” She remarks, taking another sip. “You know? That thing that happens after you’re working out?” She asks mockingly.

Twilight realises instantly that this is another sore point, apparently. “Yes, exactly — a perfectly normal response to working muscles for a prolonged time.” She says pointedly, hoping that the reminder will help Dash see that it’s not a sign that she’s weak, just because she’s aching after probably pushing herself a lot during training.

They are still working on building up on Dash’s strength, so it’s not surprising that she’d be feeling it right now.

Twilight doubts that Dash would accept any remedies for sore muscles, though.

Unfortunately, Rainbow pointedly ignores her and just continues to slowly drink down her shake in small sips. Twilight would have assumed that she would be back to greedily guzzling whatever she could get her hooves on.

“…are you sure that everything is okay?” She asks hesitantly, the words from the book still floating around in her head.

Rainbow sighs heavily, and suddenly hunches her shoulders. “My stomach hurts.” She finally admits.

“In what way?” Twilight inquires softly.

“I made some tea earlier, I can pour you a cup if you want. It’s chamomile.” Spike offers cheerily. “It calms nerves and tummy aches.” He gives his own belly a pat. Twilight often made him chamomile teas when they had been younger, and little Spike had too much of an appetite than his tummy could handle.

Rainbow snorts. “Nah, I don’t do tea. That’s too lame for me.”

“Like reading Daring Do was once 'too lame' for you?” Twilight challenges with a grin.

“Okay, that’s totally different-”

“Relax, I’m just messing with you.” Twilight reassures. “Why does your stomach hurt? Is it just from eating so much today?”

Dash is once again looking anywhere but at the alicorn, debating whether she should tell her or not. It’s not an easy topic for her to broach, and to be honest, she has never really told any pony about it.

“It happens pretty much every time…” She eventually says. She finally makes eye contact with Twilight and sighs. “I get nervous. When I have to fly at big, important shows or events, I mean.”

Like flipping a switch, Twilight remembers, many years ago... “the Best Young Flier’s Competition.”

Dash nods, averting her eyes again.

“But.. I thought you got over that stage fright?” Twilight can’t help but ask. “We all did.”

“I don’t have stage fright!” She exclaims. “I have… performance anxiety.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” Twilight asks dumbfounded.

“Fluttershy has stage fright. …And a lot of anxiety in social situations. The point is, she’s afraid of crowds staring at her. I’m afraid of failing, and making a fool of myself.” Dash explains, and Twilight could see her different meanings, even though 'stage fright' and 'performance anxiety' are synonyms for the same thing.

Then again, of course a pony like Rainbow Dash could never accept having something with the word 'fright' in its name.

Dash continues. “I can practice all I want and get it perfect a hundred times, but the moment I have to perform — the moment it matters — I’m so terrified of messing up, I can’t concentrate and my stomach hurts.” She closes her eyes, not wanting to witness the moment when her friend loses all respect for her. “The only thing that helps, is when I don’t eat before performing. I can focus better and I feel lighter, and my stomach doesn’t hurt, then.”

Twilight swallows thickly, a horrible realisation dawning on her. “How long has this been going on? How many times have you stopped eating in the past?” She asks, feeling faint.

Rainbow throws her a confused look. “I didn’t 'stop eating', I just don’t eat in the morning of those days anymore.”

“You were restricting.” Twilight corrects. “How long?” She asks again, more urgently this time.

Dash shrugs. “I don’t know, since flight school?”

Twilight stares, distraught, at her friend.

“Twi, it’s not a big deal.”

The alicorn shakes her head. “And besides your 'performance anxiety', did you ever 'just skip a meal' here or there?”

“Well.. yeah. Between weather duty and training my skills, and saving Equestria a bunch of times with you guys,…” she jokes. “Or that time I was in the hospital with a broken wing, although.. can you really expect me to eat that stuff they serve? I mean, I’m not even sure if half of that stuff was made for pony consumption-”

Twilight is very much not amused.

Rainbow rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, Twilight! You can’t tell me you never skipped a meal with all your studying.”

The alicorn makes to argue, but then starts recalling a time, and another, and five other times, and then some, when she was simply too busy with her books and taking notes and practicing spells, that she couldn’t spare a minute to eat or even sleep.

She hadn’t had time for friends. And these little things like eating and sleeping had quickly stopped being a priority as well.

With her heart sinking, Twilight realises that she, too, has pushed away the importance of taking care of herself properly, in favour of her obsession with knowledge and being the top student.

If Celestia hadn’t sent her off to Ponyville,… she doesn’t want to entertain the thought of where she’d been heading, where she might be today, if the ruler hadn’t intervened when she did.

“You’re right…” Twilight says in a barely audible, soft tone. She sinks down to her haunches, staring into the void in her horror.

Spike shares a deeply concerned look with Rainbow, before trying to comfort his big sister, but she doesn’t seem to notice that he’s even there.

Rainbow abandons her shake, which was still hardly touched, and wraps her blanket around Twilight, watching her friend in worry.

“Are.. you okay?” She asks.

“She’s freaking out about something.” Spike says knowingly.

“I am not 'freaking out'.” Twilight mutters, slowly coming back to herself. “I just don’t want to imagine what could have become of me, if Celestia hadn’t sent me to Ponyville.”

Spike grimaces when he remembers what she had been like, back in Canterlot. He fetches her cup of tea, which she gratefully accepts with her magic.

After downing the rest of her cup, she explains, “I haven’t even considered how close I could have come to developing an eating disorder, if I never met all of you.”

“Uhm… What are you talking about?” Rainbow asks, not understanding what she is getting at.

“Before Celestia sent me here, I spent all my time in the tower or the library. I didn’t have time to spare for my Canterlot friends, and my studies were more important to me than taking breaks to eat or sleep.” Twilight elaborates. “I guess you could say I was a little bit obsessed by my perfectionism.”

“A little?!” Spike exclaims. “I was worried sick for you!” He turns to Dash. “She once stayed awake for THREE DAYS, barely ate enough to feed a newborn foal, and any time I interrupted her, and tried to make her see reason, she yelled at me to leave her alone!” He squeezes his eyes shut when he feels tears welling up.

Twilight gives him a sad and apologetic look. “Was I really that bad..?”

He nods stiffly, and suddenly breaks down with a sob.

The girls coo and wrap him in a hug from both sides.

“Oh Spike… I’m so sorry I put you through that and treated you so badly.” The Princess of Friendship apologises wholeheartedly.

“I’m still confused.. what does that have to do with developing….” Rainbow trails off, pulling away.

Twilight briefly tightens her hug before releasing the dragon as well. “It’s typically a gradual process; you don’t usually go to sleep all fine and wake up the next morning and just decide to starve yourself.
It’s more of an insidious process. You don’t know what’s happening until you’re deep in it. In our case, it starts with sporadic restriction — skipping a meal here and there, either because something else is more important in that moment, or because emotions suppress the appetite,… or to cope with negative emotions and stress, like when you said you won’t eat until after your performance.”

Rainbow stares at her dumbfounded for a long moment. “So…” She shakes her head. “Sometimes.. I make it into.. a game, sort of. You know, just.. seeing how long I could keep going before I absolutely have to eat something.” She admits. “Not often, just… sometimes when I was busy, training, and I just didn’t want to stop.”

Twilight makes to say something, but Spike suddenly glares furiously at Rainbow. “A game?! You think that playing with your health- your life is a game?!” He groans in frustration. “How do you even get such an idea?!”

“Spike-” Twilight starts, only for him to turn his anger on her, next.

“Did you ever think about what would have happened to me, what it would have done to me, if you had- if you-” he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He pushes away Twilight’s attempt to console him, and storms off to his own room, slamming the door behind him.

The two ponies hang their heads in a mix of shame and guilt, which they hadn’t even known existed.