Newbie Dash (Alternative)

Rainbow watches the sunrise with mixed feelings. Today is the last day of training before the show tomorrow. The very idea of having to perform tomorrow, having to get everything absolutely perfect, is already making her stomach hurt.

She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place again, when it comes to food. On the one hand, she knows perfectly well that she will need all the energy she can get, while on the other hand she feels like she absolutely does not deserve to eat anything, and is likely going to be physically sick if she tried to eat anything.

The devil in her mind tells her that this is her punishment for disappointing everyone all the time. All you deserve is to be in pain. All you deserve is to starve, until you no longer exist. Until you are no longer a burden to everyone.

There’s a knock on the door, and she instinctively glances over to the still full glass of water on her nightstand. She hasn’t dared to drink any more, initially for fear of getting sick again, and she still couldn’t bring herself to drink it.

“Rainbow? Are you up?” Twilight asks before opening the door. “Morning.” She greets when she sees her up and about.

The pegasus steps away from the window. “Morning.” She mumbles.

Twilight notices the glass and frowns. “Did you not drink anything all night?” She asks her with newfound worry.

“Of course I did. I Just refilled it, earlier.” The lie comes easily to her, like on autopilot.

Twilight raises a suspicious eyebrow. She could have sworn she hadn’t heard her leave her room, but she decides to let it slide. “Come, you need to have breakfast.”

Of course. Why else would Twilight be coming to her, if it wasn’t to stuff her with food?

Food that she doesn’t deserve. Food that will only make her fat all over again and weigh her down.

“No thanks.” She replies sternly, turning her back and looking outside through the window again, willing the sun to rise faster so that she had an excuse to leave.

That makes the alicorn step closer to her. “Rainbow, don’t fight me on this. You have to eat and take the pills-”

“Haven’t I eaten enough already?! In case you somehow forgot: all I did for the last few days, is eat!” Dash snaps, flaring her wings in anger. “And why do I still have to take those pills, huh?! Didn’t Celestia say that I only had to take them until I ate normally again?!”

Taken aback by the outburst, Twilight tries to figure out why Rainbow is suddenly so defensive and fighting her on this. She’d been doing so well…

She looks back over to the practically untouched water glass in thought, remembering..

Refusal to consume liquids

One of the warning signs-

Twilight realises a moment too late that Rainbow is no longer in the room with her, and when she looks up through the open window, she can barely make out the silhouette of her, very quickly flying away, friend in the far distance.

“Shoot!” She curses. “No, no, no…”

She runs through the castle, levitating saddle bags, food, the pills, and medical supplies to herself as she runs. But when she opens the front door, she finds Scootaloo standing in front of her.

“Twilight-”

“Not right now!” The alicorn says hastily and makes to push past her.

“Rainbow Dash told me to talk to you!” The filly exclaims, and Twilight stills at once.

“She did what?” She asks in disbelief.

Scoots takes a deep breath. “Yesterday, I found Rainbow’s parents by accident, and when we were talking, it turned out that Rainbow never told her parents that she’s a Wonderbolt, so I told them all about it, and then we all went to watch her train and cheered her on, but she wasn’t happy about that, and she told me that I should have warned her and talked to you before bringing her parents.” She rambles, then gasps for air.

“Her parents?” Twilight asks, wondering if this is the reason for Dash’s sudden change for the worse.

Scoots nods. “They were thrilled, of course. But… something weird happened. We wanted to surprise her when she was done with training, and she ended up yelling at her parents, like, really awful. I got mad at her for treating them like that, but now I actually thought about what she said…”

Twilight nods encouragingly for her to go on.

“She said that her parents are 'too supportive' and that she is tired of them being proud of her for… insignificant things.” She says, obviously just as confused by the statement.

The alicorn raises a confused eyebrow.

“Her words.” The filly shrugs. “I can sorta understand what she meant, though.. I mean, they were chanting that she’s the best at hanging up her towel.” She explains with a giggle, before sobering up. “But that was still uncalled for. Shouldn’t she know that you don’t treat your friends — or family — like that?” She asks seriously, but looks concerned, because she has never seen Rainbow Dash act like that before.

Twilight sighs. “Rainbow is under a lot of stress right now.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Scootaloo replies with an eye roll.

“I mean more than just from.. being a Wonderbolt, and training for shows.” Twilight starts carefully. “It’s… there’s more than meets the eye. She just has a lot going on, and if she didn’t tell her parents about being a Wonderbolt, then I’m pretty sure she had a reason for it.”

Scoot’s face falls. “She did say that there is a reason… I just wasn’t listening.”

Twilight bites her lip. At least now she has a clue on what is going on, or at least she hopes so. “Look.. I’m about to go and talk to her. You did the right thing in telling me about this.”

“I don’t suppose you’d take me with you?” The filly asks shyly.

“I think it’s better if I talk to her one on one.” Twilight tells her apologetically. “At least for now.”

“Yeah… I get it.” The filly says sadly. “Can you give her a message, at least?”

“Of course.” The alicorn smiles.

“Tell her that her parents, Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and I, will be at the show tomorrow, to cheer her on.” She explains with a proud smile.

“I’m sure that she’ll be happy to know that, and to have you all there.” Twilight tells her sincerely, then finally takes off.

Spitfire watches their newest member thoughtfully. It was blatantly obvious that she wasn’t doing well. She’s unfocused, at times mixing up different parts of the choreography, and doesn’t seem to have her usual speed and energy. And yet, she’s adamantly refusing to take any breaks.

“Crash, come on, take five.” She commands when Dash continues to hover over their heads, forelegs crossed in front of her chest with a scowl on her face as she waits impatiently for the team to stop being lazy.

“The show is tomorrow! We don’t have time for breaks!” She snaps.

“Yeah we do.” The leader replies sternly. “You can’t give 100% for hours on end, without any breaks. Now come down here and relax your muscles for a few minutes.”

Instead of doing what she’s told, the words only fuel her anger. “Fine! If you guys don’t actually care about this, then I’ll just fly alone!” She declares and proceeds to go through the routines again, by herself.

The other team mates watch her with confusion and disbelief.

Soarin locks eyes with Spitfire. “I’m getting really worried about her.”

“I think something’s bothering her.” Spitfire tells him thoughtfully.

“Well, let’s hope that she’ll get over it — whatever it is — soon. Before she hurts herself, or one of us.” Fleetfoot adds.

The others nod.

“Hey, look! Were we expecting more unexpected visitors?” Soarin asks jokingly, pointing to Twilight. The alicorn lands, out of breath from flying so fast and carrying so many things.

“I’m beginning to get a sense of deja vu, Princess.” Spitfire says in greeting. “Let me guess, you’re here because you know what’s going on with her?” She asks, pointing upwards to where Dash is now flying multiple Loopings and ends up crashing into a cloud when she seems to lose control. They all wince.

“More or less..” Twilight replies. “Scootaloo told me Dash’s parents were here yesterday?”

Spitfire chuckles. “Oh, yeah. Turns out she’s got her own personal cheering squad.”

Fleetfoot joins them. “About really weird things too, though. I was in the locker room when they were cheering about her hanging up her towel. Like, who does that?”

Twilight remembers Scootaloo telling her something about a towel, as well. That sure sounds like a strange thing to do, considering that that should definitely not be a priority of things to cheer for, especially considering where they are.

It makes her wonder if this is somehow connected to Rainbow’s fear of failure and extreme (even worse than Twilight’s own) perfectionism. Strange as it sounds to develop such fears and obsessions when apparently everything you do is celebrated.

But… If her parents were always celebrating every little thing she does, no matter how insignificant, how is she supposed to feel any differently about big accomplishments like becoming a Wonderbolt? Or saving Equestria?

Her thoughts are interrupted when Dash finally lands, a bit more harshly than intended, pushing her goggles up against her messy fringe, and has a noticeably hard time catching her breath. “Twilight..? What.. are.. you….” She trails off, holding a hoof to her chest with a wince at her painfully pounding heart.

“Get her some water!” Spitfire barks at her team mates.

Twilight comes to Dash’s side, but is pushed away when she tries to touch her. “Rainbow, stop pushing me away.” She scolds in a low tone. “I’m only trying to help.”

“I do not need any 'help'.” Dash snaps, throwing the alicorn a deep glare.

Spitfire guides Dash’s head so that she’s making full eye contact. “We all need help, sometimes. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Being able to accept help is what makes you stronger, not struggling on your own until you can’t go on anymore.” She tells her seriously.

Soarin brings her a water bottle, but Dash rejects it.

“Don’t be a fool, you need to re-hydrate.” Spitfire scolds.

Twilight is getting seriously worried now. “Can I speak to her in private for a moment?” She asks the leader.

“Sure. Maybe you can talk some sense into her.” Spitfire replies with a half hearted shrug. She’s honestly debating on removing Rainbow Dash from the show tomorrow if she keeps this up, for her own good.

The last thing they need right now is for Dash to be in a full body, wing and hoof cast, drinking through a straw.

They couldn’t risk losing the best flier they ever had, and especially not so soon after finally having the spot for her, if she ends up injuring herself from this. Or worse.

Twilight hopes that she can get through to her, too. She picks up the water bottle and her friend in her magical aura and levitates them with her into the locker room — since that was the only building she knew, so far.

“Will you tell me what’s going on, or do you want to keep pushing everyone away and kill yourself in the process?” The alicorn asks her seriously.

As expected, the pegasus glares at her for that last part. “I’m not killing myself. I’m only trying to get everything perfect for tomorrow, and I don’t have time for this!” She gestures angrily around herself.

Twilight takes a deep breath to calm herself. “Okay. You’re not thinking clearly right now, which is to be expected. Rainbow, if you keep this up with not eating or drinking, and pushing yourself like this, you’ll be dead by next week.” Harsh words, considering that it’s Saturday morning. “Either from passing out high up in the sky with no one there to catch you in time, or from your organs failing and shutting down.”

She lets the words sink in, and Rainbow eventually looks up at her with utter helplessness and desperation in her eyes.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She admits, squeezing her eyes shut and turning her head away. “No matter what I do, I just keep failing, I’m always failing..!”

“You aren’t failing anything.” Twilight tells her softly. “Recovery is neither easy, nor linear.”

“Yes, I am!” Rainbow sobs, laying down on the floor. “If I eat, I fail. If I don’t eat, I fail. If I train, I fail. If I rest, I fail. I always fail, and fail, and fail!” She cries until her voice gives out.

The more upset she gets, the worse her stomach seems to hurt, until she’s audibly groaning in pain and curling in on herself.

Twilight wonders if she should just take Rainbow to a medic pony, if she couldn’t get her to eat, or at the very least drink something, soon.

“I heard what you guys were saying,… about my parents yesterday.” Rainbow suddenly says, still keeping her eyes away from Twilight.

“Are they the reason you’re refusing to eat and drink?” The alicorn asks softly.

“Don’t blame them. It’s not their fault. I shouldn’t have yelled at them like that.” She sighs. “My parents and Scoot have every right to hate me after what I did.” She rests her head on her forelegs. “I don’t exactly like myself much anymore, either...”

“Rainbow…” Twilight shakes her head in disbelief. “Scootaloo asked me to tell you that she and her friends, and your parents, will be there tomorrow, to cheer you on.”

Rainbow immediately snaps her head to look at her friend in hopeful disbelief.

“Just like all of us are going to be there. Nobody is mad at you, and no pony hates you.” Twilight continues. She holds out the water bottle to her. “Please… we all just want you to be okay, and to be able to enjoy yourself tomorrow — the way you deserve to.”

Dash feels like she has barely any strength left when she sits back up, and immediately goes blind from the change in posture — the way it’s been happening so often that she’s become used to it. The same way her heart keeps pounding away in her chest, which is starting to worry her.

Twilight watches her trying to blink away the black spots, fearing that Rainbow is about to lose consciousness.

The pegasus stubbornly stays lucid and finally accepts the water, starting with the tiniest sip possible as her stomach keeps clenching painfully.

For the first time, she wonders how she’s ever supposed to perform tomorrow, much less pull off a Sonic Rainboom. If she wants to have a single chance at getting through it without a disaster, she has to eat. And she knows this, but it doesn’t make the very thought of ingesting anything any easier. It just puts even more pressure on her already fried nerves.

As Twilight watches her friend take some deep breaths to combat what she assumes is nausea and some other nasty symptoms, she could count a handful of ribs peeking through the fabric of the blue and yellow suit. She gulps down the worried remark about her weight, since that will only add fuel to the fire.

She clears her throat and carefully picks her words. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but your metabolism is way too fast right now. Dangerously so.” She waits a moment to make sure that Rainbow is listening to her, and not about to fight her on this topic. “You can’t tell me you’re feeling great right now.” She adds sympathetically, and considers it a win when Rainbow, with her head turned away and eyes downcast, shakes her head.

Truth be told, she’s feeling absolutely terrible. The tiny amounts she’d drunk since yesterday haven’t lubricated her mouth and throat in so long that she’s dehydrated, which is giving her a constantly pounding headache, she doesn’t dare swallow with her painfully dry throat, and she could swear her tongue was getting cracks and bleeding.

She’s still sore all over and horribly tired, but her brain won’t let her rest. She has to keep practicing. Every second that she isn’t flying, is a wasted second, weighing heavily on her shoulders.

You’re still not good enough. The voice will say.
If she can’t keep going, she’s too weak. If she gives in to the hunger, she’ll only get too fat to fly.
If she can’t pull off the Sonic Rainboom tomorrow, she may as well not even be a Wonderbolt.
She couldn’t win. She knows that this is going to lead nowhere except for her own destruction, but for whatever reason, she couldn’t fight it anymore. The voice is so strong and demanding that Rainbow feels herself blindly following every order, no matter how much she’s suffering because of it.

Even now, it’s difficult to fully focus on this very important conversation that they’re having, because the illness is making her antsy to leave and get back to practicing.

The disorder has taken full control over her, and she is at full mercy to its destruction.

And it’s a terrifying realisation.

She finally turns back to Twilight, voice a high pitch and cracking painfully as she begs her to “please, help me..!”