Author's Note

This is what it looks like when good days are followed by bad days. 💔❤️‍🩹

It seems that I just can’t write a single chapter without some sort of breakdown anymore, hmmmm… The author is absolutely fine

Chapter 39

“What’s an eating disorder?”

Applejack immediately looks like a deer caught in headlights. “Uuuh.. where- where’d you hear that?”

“From you and my sister, on Tuesday.” Sweetie Belle chimes in.

The older sister rubs the back of her neck nervously. “Shucks, Ah don’t even know how to explain… it’s a very complex disorder, even I can’t fully understand it. And you fillies shouldn’t be worrying about these kind of things.”

“Then at least tell us how we can help. How I can help.” Scootaloo begs.

Applejack sighs. “Alright, fine... What you need to know is that food, or rather eating, is difficult for Rainbow. Ya don’t have to know why. But it helps her when others are eating with her. For example, if you wanna offer her something, like, an apple.” She picks one from a nearby, full bucket. “Ya don’t just give it to her, but split and share it, so she ain’t the only one eating.”

“Well… yeah, I guess I can do that.” Scootaloo says, having seen Spike do exactly that, yesterday. She of course wonders why that is even necessary, but she’s happy for any bit of information she could get, and any tips on how she could support her sister.

“Now, it’s really important that you never, ever comment on her body. No compliments, no other remarks, no nothing, ya hear?” Applejack says seriously. “Even if ya just mean well.”

The girls all share confused looks, but nod that they’d follow her instructions.

“Ah know it sounds strange. It still sounds just as weird to me, but that’s the way it is. And um, y’all better keep this all to yourselves. It’s not exactly something that she wants ponies to know about.”

“But wouldn’t it be better, the more ponies know? So that they can all help, and not make mistakes.” Scootaloo asks.

“Ah’m afraid that not every pony would be so considerate and understandin’…” Applejack says honestly.

The fillies all think back to the whole town practically wanting to banish Rainbow Dash from Ponyville, and sadly nod in agreement.

The next day…

Twilight walks through the east hall for a third time, still not seeing the cyan pegasus anywhere. “Rainbow Dash!” She calls for the umpteenth time. “Urgh, where could she be? It’s not like she can fly around outside…”

She comes across Spike again at the foyer, who’d checked the west side corridor.

“Still no sign of her?” He asks.

Twilight shakes her head. “I don’t get it, she just vanished.”

“Did you check the library yet?”

“Of course I did! She’s not there, and none of the Daring Do books are missing.”

“What about the study?”

“Why would she be in there?” Twilight asks with a raised eyebrow. All she got in there is a blackboard, a desk, chair, and a small selection of- “Oh my gosh, she didn’t. No, what am I saying, of course she did. Argh.”

“Did what?” Spike asks, and has to hurry after the alicorn as she runs to the study, slamming the door open.

“Rainbow! Don’t read that!” She calls, and lo and behold, they find the missing pegasus calmly reading a certain, familiar book.

“Twilight, stop.” Rainbow says calmly.

“You broke the lock!” Twilight yells, pointing to the unlocked box, in which she had kept the Anorexia Recovery book.

“No, I didn’t.”

True to her word, the key is sitting right next to the opened lock on the desk.

“That’s not what I- Urgh! I don’t want you to read that, Rainbow!” Twilight shouts. “I locked it away for a reason!”

Rainbow throws her an unimpressed look and closes the book. “You can’t forbid me to read a book, Twilight.”

The alicorn faceplams. Then she asks in a much calmer tone. “Why did you even look for it, in the first place?” She better have a good reason to-

“I just needed to know that I’m not completely insane.” Dash replies without hesitation.

Twilight blinks. “…What?”

Rainbow looks at the floor. “It has to do with what happened two nights ago…”

Twilight and Spike share a look, immediately catching on. The pegasus has been avoiding the topic until now, claiming that she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, whenever they asked.

“You can lock it away again, if you want.” Rainbow says, briefly looking at the book before keeping her eyes downcast again.

Twilight sighs. “No… you’re right. You have every right to read a book that’s written about the disorder that’s affecting you. I just… I didn’t want you to read about the… 'encouraging' bits, giving you even worse ideas.”

“I already got them without seeing them written on a page.” Rainbow admits quietly.

Twilight’s eyes widen in realisation. “You mean…”

“That night… I-I think that your spell must have lasting effects — you know, the one that made me stop getting sick — because… the thoughts got so loud, but I wasn’t getting sick. And that just made me panic even more, because part of me wanted to just….” She squeezes her eyes shut. “You know… get it over with, but it just wasn’t happening. And…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud, nor to look at her friends’ disappointed faces.
“I just needed to know that… that I’m not a lost cause. Although, I’m not sure how I feel about knowing that this is ‘normal’… well, not normal, but common when it comes to this.. thing.”

“You are not a lost cause, Rainbow.” Twilight says, barely above a whisper. “But can you please come to me, or Spike, the next time you feel like… doing something like that?”

‘The next time.’

Because of course this is probably going to happen again.

‘The next time.’

It sounds so hopeless. So never-ending.

The risk of a relapse is the highest during the first two years of recovery. After that, it goes down, but it will never be zero. The book had said.

I will just have to make it there, first.

Still unable to bring herself to look at her friends, Rainbow just nods mutely towards the floor. The others come to her and hug her from both sides, and it fills her with the tiniest bit of hope.

What if there won’t have to be a next time?

“When can I finally start working out again?” Rainbow asks during the after-lunch waiting period.

“When we know that your heart can handle it, and you learn to respect and not push past your limits.” Twilight replies without missing a beat.

“How will we know how my heart is doing when I’m not allowed to exercise?” Rainbow asks, annoyed and impatient. “Wait… I won’t have to go back to the hospital for that, right?”

Thankfully, the alicorn shakes her head. “There’s a test called the ‘six minute walk test’.”

Rainbow frowns. “Walk test?”

Twilight nods. “It’s about testing endurance and distance, not speed.”

“Well that sounds lame...” Rainbow grumbles.

“I know it sounds easy in theory, but six minutes is a long time to walk.”

Dash rolls her eyes. “Whatever. When can we do it?”

“Whenever you want, and feel ready.”

The pegasus didn’t have to say anything else; the look on her face said it all.

“Right. Let me just get my stopwatch.” Twilight relents.

Two cones mark the starting- and finish line. Twilight has the stopwatch, as well as a quill and paper to write down the times of each lap.

“I’ve measured the round-way, it’s almost exactly 50 meters, so that will make it easy to calculate the total distance.” She explains. “Remember: no running, only walking.”

“Can I at least walk fast?” Rainbow whines.

“As fast as you can handle, but no trotting.”

“Why do you keep saying ‘how much you can handle’? We’re just going to walk in circles for five minutes!”

“Six minutes.” Twilight corrects calmly. “And you might be surprised.”

“Whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

So they start walking and Twilight starts her stopwatch.

Rainbow quickly realises what Twilight meant, because after just two minutes of her fast paced walking, she’s starting to feel a bit breathless. Endurance has never been her strong suit; she’s more of a ‘give it your all for a short period’ type of pony, rather than ‘pace yourself for the long run’, which makes her seem like her stamina is awfully low.
She also much prefers flying over walking, so the strongest part of her are her wings, able to carry her all day long without ever landing, if need be. This doesn’t mean that the rest of her body isn’t trained up and shaped into a strong and muscular physique, but walking will never be her preferred method of transportation. It lacks a certain freedom that she simply cannot live without.

Twilight takes note of her breathing rate picking up and her walking speed slowing down, but doesn’t comment on it. It’s definitely noticeable when they’re almost ten seconds slower on this round than the first ones.

However, it’s not Rainbow’s endurance that becomes a problem.

Since they’re walking in the same circle around the same hallways, with only the cones giving them a brief change of scenery, the freedom-loving pegasus is beginning to feel lightheaded as a strange sense of panic grows inside her chest.

“You okay?” Twilight asks when Rainbow starts to speed up again, despite her breathing becoming borderline hyperventilation.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s- it’s just- it’s all so-” She briefly gasps for air, her brain struggling to string a sentence together. “There’s no end.”

“It’s just two more minutes.” Twilight tries to reassure, but when she sees the wide eyes rapidly looking around the windowless walls, as though seeking out an open door-

“Rainbow, are you claustrophobic?” She asks in realisation.

“Klaus who the what?” Rainbow asks, unable to comprehend the question.

“Afraid of small spaces.” Twilight explains patiently, trying to stop the pegasus, in the hope that she could get her full attention.

“I’m not- I wouldn’t say afraid. Just.. not very fond of…”

It’s all the confirmation she needed. Twilight teleports them both onto the roof platform at the top of the castle with a flash. At first the pegasus startles, but once she finds the open sky all around her, she slowly but surely calms down.

That is, until she remembers the test they’d been doing.
“Great…” Rainbow grumbles to herself. “Sorry. I guess I failed that test.”

“Actually, you were doing pretty well. It’s not your fault, I should have chosen a different place for the test.” Twilight reassures.

Rainbow only makes an unhappy noise. Now that they’re unprotected from the weather, the cold autumn wind sends a chill down her spine, but she doesn’t mind. It helps her accept that she is not trapped, and without thinking, she slowly opens her wings and closes her eyes, enjoying the feeling of the breeze brushing through her mane, fur and wing feathers.

Twilight watches her with a relieved smile. It must feel so good, to have the wind blowing over her like this. It’s a far cry from actually flying, of course, but it’s a reminder to the alicorn that Rainbow belongs in the sky. Being bound to the castle like this is just not sustainable.
Rainbow needs flight and her freedom, the same way Twilight needs her magic and knowledge (and books).

Rainbow enjoys the feeling for a moment more, before she opens her eyes again. She discovers a couple larger clouds hanging in the sky above her, and gets an idea.
She turns to her friend. “Have you ever watched the sunset from a cloud, Twilight?”

The alicorn is momentarily stunned by the question, trying to think of a time when she did that. But she comes up empty. “No, I guess I haven’t.”

“You’re missing out, Egghead.” Rainbow throws her a look that says she has a plan, although her body language practically screams nervousness.

“I’ll be right there with you.” Twilight promises knowingly, unfolding her wings as well to signal that she’s ready to fly.

Dash takes a few deep breaths to steel herself, her eyes never leaving a particular cloud. It’s barely ten, maybe twelve flaps, tops. She could do this. Even if she were to fall, she wouldn’t drop very far, and Twilight is there, too.

Her brain tells her that she can’t do it, that she’ll drop like a stone, that she’s too heavy to even get off the ground.

Good thing I don’t listen to you anymore.
She thinks and gives a strong flap, taking off with ease. That’s the easy part.
It’s staying in the air without freaking out about the weightless feeling, that she’s struggling to overcome.

She finds Twilight flying right by her side, an attentive watch on the pegasus, and Rainbow feels safe.

They both land on the cloud without issues, and this small accomplishment somehow feels just as good as whenever they defeated some evil villain.

Rainbow sits upright, head tilted the slightest bit back, eyes closed with a smile, just relishing in the familiarity.

Right now, in this moment, her worries and disordered urges cannot touch her. The weight on her shoulders is blown away by the wind, and lost in the freedom of the sky.
She can breathe again.

“It really does look amazing.” Twilight comments at the scenery. The setting sun is painting the sky in an array of colours, from orange to purple and blue. The known, familiar sight that she’s used to, somehow feels like she’s only seeing it for the very first time, when she’s practically looking down on it from so high up.

“Told you.”

Twilight just grins to herself, enjoying the moment. When Rainbow starts to shiver next to her, she doesn’t hesitate in wrapping her wing around her. They could just go back inside, but something tells the alicorn that Dash is in no hurry to leave this cloud anytime soon.

It’s moments like these where they can just forget about the meals and calculations and calories. Moments where everything just feels normal again, so they make sure to cherish them to the fullest extent possible.

The pegasus is reclaiming her much needed freedom. One small step — or wing flap — at a time.

They have a surprise visit, in the form of Applejack and Fluttershy being called by the Map, on the next day. Rainbow is with them in the throne room, since it’s once again the period of time after a meal where she’s supposed to stay with Twilight or Spike, and since the dragon is currently busy washing the dishes, this is way more exciting.

If she’s being honest, Rainbow is desperate for a distraction. It’s once again a bad day for her, so she’s dressed up to cover her body from sight and absentmindedly uses a hoof to touch the necklace or her shoulder bones for reassurance every now and then.

She’s lying half curled up in her throne, watching the floating cutie marks of her friends circling above a surprising part of the map.

“The map is sending us where?!” The farmer exclaims in disbelief.

“Las Pegasus? Oh my…”

“But.. Las Pegasus is a wild vacation spot! It’s just one big party.”

“All those lights and sounds… not to mention the crowds…” Fluttershy laments. “Just the thought of it is overwhelming!”

“I know Las Pegasus doesn’t seem like either of your cups of tea, but I have total faith you wouldn’t have been called unless you were the perfect ponies for the job.” Twilight reassures confidently.

The words make Rainbow wonder… what good has she actually done during their last friendship problem? Why did the map send her along with Twilight? The alicorn had done most of the work, and could have easily solved the whole thing by herself.
Same with the whole golden Idol of Boreas debacle, where she almost got herself, Pinkie and Gilda killed.

I’m only good at creating problems, not solving them.

She sinks lower into the cushion on her throne.

I’m useless…

“Wouldn’t Pinkie Pie be better suited for this..?” Fluttershy asks shakily.

Applejack nods. “Yeah, or Dash.” She half expects the pegasus to fly in the air and shout ‘yeah!’ and be all excited, the way she’d normally be doing.

The remark makes the three girls look over to the pegasus in question, who is obviously not paying attention to their conversation, and is lost in her own thoughts, lying still and with her back to the others.

The girls share saddened, guilty looks, all thinking the same thing.

“Never mind.” Applejack murmurs with a sigh. She tries to remind herself that Rainbow Dash is still Rainbow Dash, just not as boasting and confident, but it’s hard to do so when she’s acting so unlike herself.

“You two should go and get ready. It’s quite a long trip.” Twilight says.

“Oh, I have to ask Dr. Fauna if she can take care of the animals for a few days.” Fluttershy realises.

“And Ah have to make sure Big Mac and Applebloom can fix up the deliveries.”

Rainbow perks up when she notices them making to leave. “Fluttershy, what about Zeph?” She asks, jumping off her chair and following her friends.

They all pause in surprise.

“You don’t have to worry about him, he’s back with our parents.” Fluttershy replies tiredly.

Rainbow grimaces. “That was quick.”

“Yeah… I threw him out when I found out that he was the one who took the pictures of you, at the celebration.” She explains guiltily.

“That was him?” Applejack exclaims.

The yellow pegasus nods. “I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash.”

There’s a brief pause while it sinks in.
Then…

“That’s what he meant.” Rainbow realises. She only gets confused and questioning looks thrown her way. “When he said that I’ve gained weight since he last saw me. But I haven’t seen him in at least three years.”
Fluttershy nods in confirmation at that.
“I’ve been wondering what in Equestria he meant with that. He must have meant since he saw me before the show, when he apparently took pictures of me without any of us noticing.” She says in momentary relief.

Twilight frowns at that, wondering why Dash hadn’t brought it up if it’s been bothering her so much. Oh, who am I kidding…

Applejack has the mind to keep any comments to herself, and her and Fluttershy soon leave in order to make sure their responsibilities are being fulfilled while they’re away.

“Anything else about ‘Zeph’ on your mind?” Twilight asks the pegasus more forcefully than she intends. She’s a bit upset about that whole situation, and feeling hurt that Rainbow hasn’t mentioned anything.

“What’s a ‘Zeph’?” Spike asks as he approaches Twilight and Dash.

“Fluttershy’s brother, and not my problem right now.” Rainbow replies.

Twilight is confused by her choice of words. “What do you mean?”

“Why does the map even send me to solve friendship problems?” The pegasus asks outright. “When it sent me and Pinkie to Griffonstone, all I managed to do was to almost get myself killed in the Abysmal Abyss, while Pinkie figured out that all the Griffons needed was baking powder!”

“But you also made up with Gilda-”

“Which was never the point of our mission.” Rainbow corrects. “And when it sent you and me to Cloudsdale, I did absolutely nothing to help. You could have just gone all by yourself, it wouldn’t have made any difference.” She sighs, sitting down in defeat. “I don’t know why it even sends me anywhere. I’m useless.”

Spike and Twilight grimace in honest despair. Hearing her say that about herself is breaking their hearts.

“Now hold up, that’s not true at all.” Twilight protests in a soft but stern no-nonsense fashion. “Remember what you told Sky Scraper?”

Rainbow stays silent, averting her eyes, so Twilight recites for her.

“Keeping secrets from your best friends will only end up hurting both of you. You can only solve a problem by talking about it. Trust me on that.”

“I know what I said!” Rainbow snaps. “But it’s not like you wouldn’t have said something along that, yourself!”

“Maybe, but if you remember, Sky wasn’t keen on listening to me at all.” The dark pegasus stallion had made his point clear from the beginning, that he thought nothing of a ‘Princess of Friendship’. Which, in the end, she could understand why the word ‘friendship’ might have rubbed him the wrong way, given how he’d desperately wanted to be more than just friends with Buttercream.

“He wasn’t exactly fond of me, either.” Dash defends with her ears back. She starts subconsciously touching her shoulder again, which the others assume to be a nervous tick — which is, in a way, correct. Just not about the right reasons.

Twilight doesn’t let loose. “But he listened to you. He might not have opened up if you hadn’t been there, and I might have never found them in the first place, if we hadn’t stayed at that restaurant for so long.”

Bringing that part up is risky, and Twilight perfectly knows it. It’s a sore reminder to Dash, about her inability to just eat, like everypony else.

“Don’t try to pretend there’s anything positive about me having this… this… this thing.” Rainbow declares with a warning, dropping her hoof so she could stand up again.

It’s not her tone that has the Princess of Friendship backing off. It’s the way Rainbow Dash couldn’t bring herself to say two certain words out loud, that makes her realise what this is actually about.

“Okay, look. Today is just a bad day.” She says knowingly and understandingly, because it’s blatantly obvious to her, after that time they had a talk with Dash’s parents. “Or a really bad day, if you want. But either way, these thoughts of self doubt you’re having, aren’t true at all.”

Spike nods encouragingly in agreement. “Yeah! We love you — all of you. Problems and fears and all.”

“The world needs you in it, even if it’s hard for you to see that right now.” Twilight promises her, almost desperate to be believed.

Unfortunately, nothing they could say seems to be able to break through this darkness, that is overshadowing all the good and positive for Rainbow Dash today. It reminds Twilight of those moments, when Daring Do had been captured, and when Rainbow thought that her dreams of becoming a Wonderbolt were crushed.

Fluttershy has told her how nothing she had said had been able to get through to Rainbow, when she’d been ill at Flight School and incredibly mad at herself.

Sometimes, there was just nothing that could clear the dark fog that seems to cloud her thoughts and the world around her. In this case, Rainbow just walks off to her room without another word or glance directed at her friends. All of her friends’ support feels like cruel lies, as if part of her simply couldn’t accept it as honest fact, and she just wants to be alone for a while. At least when she’s alone (with Tank), she doesn’t have to pretend to be okay.

(Un)fortunately for her, she doesn’t get to be alone for long. Spike joins her and Tank on her bed, much to her dismay, but she doesn’t tell him to go away.

Instead, she has a new thought on her mind.

“Spike? How do you deal with knowing that you could turn into a giant, greedy dragon, attacking Ponyville and your friends, at any point again?”

He winces at the reminder for a second, but then smiles confidently. “I know that you guys are careful not to trigger and feed that part of me, and even if it were to happen again, I know that you will do everything to reverse it again, just like last time.”

Rainbow seems to think that over, but doesn’t look too happy with his answer.

“Is this about…” he hesitates a moment, but decides to just be blunt and not beat around the bush, “you losing control over your eating, and gaining weight?”

Rainbow doesn’t react at first, and he could swear that she’s listening to something — or someone — whom only she could hear, before shaking her head at them. “Of course it is. It always is.” She snaps half-heartedly, clearly frustrated by that. “It’s like my entire life only revolves around it!”

“It doesn’t have to.” Spike says softly, resting a hand on her shoulder. Tank chooses that moment to look at his owner with his big, beady eyes, as though trying to tell her the same thing. Rainbow has to bite her lip as she tears up when he, also, lifts one of his feet and rests it against her leg.
“I can rest easy, and not worry about it, because I can trust all of you with that part of me.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know if I can do that.” Rainbow admits brokenly.

“Well, what’s stopping you..?” He asks in a near whisper, completely empathetically.

He sees her fighting against the tears, unable to bring herself to utter a single word, for fear that she’ll only break down again.

“You don’t have to hold it in.” He says. “I swear, I can take it. Remember: I’m lava proof. A few tears won’t hurt me.”

She barks a laugh at the joke and he grins, although it’s still a worried smile. When she regards him with a teary smile, he automatically hugs the pegasus. He’s so used to supporting and cheering up Twilight that it’s like second nature to him.

He doesn’t pull away when he feels liquid hitting his scales; he only hugs her tighter. He doesn’t say a word, just lets his actions speak for themselves, and when she doesn’t hold back and just silently cries for a while, he knows that she heard him perfectly.

“I’m sorry. You probably have way more important things to do than… well, this.” She apologises when they eventually separate, but her voice and body language are much more at ease, now.

“Well, do you still feel like you’re just useless?” He asks.

She chuckles softly for a second. “Maybe a bit. But I do feel better, now.” She admits.

“Then there’s nothing more important, that I would have preferred doing.” He tells her honestly, a proud smile gracing his lips.