Author's Note

This chapter turned out to be more difficult to write than expected, oof.

All I’m gonna say is: the struggle is real.

Chapter 45

When it’s finally the weekend, Twilight is practically splitting herself in two, trying to simultaneously follow three checklists at once while also packing the bags.

“Are three blankets enough or should I pack four? Oh, I’ll just bring five…” she rambles as she magically stuffs said amount of blankets into a bag.

“Twilight. We got blankets and pillows at the castle.” Rainbow points out, utterly unimpressed.

“Oh my gosh, pillows!” The alicorn exclaims, desperately scanning through her long list of supplies. “I forgot about pillows!”

Why not bring the entire bedroom at this rate?
“Twilight, stop!” Dash finally snaps. “We got everything that we need! We left enough pillows and blankets at the castle when we were working on restoring it!” She points out. “You have been at this since four in the morning!”

Twilight sighs, rolling up the scrolls. “Fine. I just have one decision that I need you to make: nuts or no nuts?”

What she really means is ‘are nuts still a fear food?’.

Rainbow hesitates, and even when she eventually replies, it doesn’t really answer her indirect question.
“You can pack whatever you want, too, you know?”

Twilight then watches her walk away, clearly not in the mood to be discussing this topic. The alicorn sighs, and decides to pack a bag of nuts, along with a large assortment of Rainbow’s safe-foods, just in case.
As she levitates those into the saddle bags — a spell cast on them to be able to fit way more things than physically possible — she thinks with furrowed brows how it’s still not as big of a variety as she would like.

Before the group is going to meet up, Rainbow pays Tank’s spot another brief visit. It seems silly, since it’s not like she’s any closer to him if she’s at Twilight’s castle or somewhere else, but she at least wants to tell him where she’s going, and that she’ll be back in a few days.
One could only hope that he even heard her.

The girls and Spike all meet up in front of the castle. Rarity didn’t pack an entire spa and hotel for once, a fact that Applejack is more than happy to point out.

“Laugh it up, Applejack. But no-pony come crying to me when you chip your hoof and we don’t have any files or hoof polish.” The fashionista declares haughtily, eliciting another giggle from the farm pony, and a certain cyan pegasus to grimace wholeheartedly at the thought.

At the very least it seems to be a warmer day, today. Rainbow is dressed up in just a short sleeve shirt, mostly to keep her different coat hidden from others, not in the mood to attract attention regarding her body and appearance in any way, and it’s enough to keep her cozy.

“Alright, girls.” Twilight starts, grabbing everyone’s attention. “We have to stop by Zecora’s, and then we’ll go to the castle.”

“Why do we have to visit Zecora again?” Rainbow asks, confused.

“I wanted to grab more of her remedies, just in case.” Twilight explains.

“But I’m fine.”

“It’s better to be prepared, than have an emergency with nothing to fix it.”

That gets the others’ attention.

“Sorry, what emergency are we talking about, Twilight darling?” Rarity asks, and a couple worried glances are thrown at Rainbow, who sheepishly looks away.

“Should we be worried?” Fluttershy asks anxiously.

Twilight sighs, feeling like she should have not said anything. Then again, if the others know what to look for, they could help much faster, should Rainbow have another 'heart episode'.
“It’s just that Rainbow has been off the pills that dampen her metabolic rate for only a few days now. It’s going to take a while before her body has found its balance again, and until then, the faster metabolism is making her autonomous nervous system — which controls things like heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, digestion, everything you don’t have to think about — go a bit haywire sometimes.”

A round of surprised and deeply concerned looks are thrown amongst the girls.

Rainbow groans. “Urgh, guys, I’m fine. I swear.” She says, and starts to fly above her friends, as proof.

“Well… If you’re sure…” Rarity says hesitantly.

Twilight nods. “If she says that she’s okay, then I trust her.”

“Me too!” Spike agrees from next to her. Twilight crouches down a bit, allowing him to hop onto her back.

Rainbow smiles gratefully down at them, and leads the way toward the Everfree forest.

It’s bright enough for Twilight to safely teleport all non-pegasi, herself and Spike across the poison joke field. Albeit annoying, it’s definitely the safer route to take.
They quickly get what they needed, and make their way to the Castle of the Two Sisters.

The girls mostly pass the time with small talk, which quickly becomes like nails on a chalkboard for Rainbow to listen to, especially when Rarity explains every detail of her hoof-treatment at the spa, and she voluntarily falls back from her leading position, to the very back of the group, and just talks with Applejack.

“Ah have to say, it’s nice to have ya back in the air, Dash.” The farm pony remarks with a smirk. “Feels like something’s missing when you’re not hovering above our heads all the time.”

“Thanks. I guess.” Rainbow says.

She laughs. “Just messing with ya. But for real: Ah’m glad you’re doing better.”

“Me too.” Dash replies honestly. “I just wish the thoughts would go away…”

“What thoughts?” AJ asks, looking up at the pegasus with concern.

“Just…” She tries and fails to find the right words, “eaugh… you wouldn’t really get it.”

“No, come on. Ya can tell me anything.” She promises.

Rainbow bites her lip nervously, rather looking at the passing trees than her friend. “I just… how do I put this…” she mumbles to herself. Why is this so much easier with Twilight?
Because Twilight has a personal, mutual understanding of what’s going on with her, which none of their other friends really have.

She suddenly feels a sensation like the world around her just tilted on its side, and it startles her from trying to sort her thoughts into a sentence. Without thinking twice about it, she lands roughly on the uneven, hard ground of the forest, which her sore hooves do not appreciate.
Her equilibrium recovers after just a few unsteady, dizzy side-steps.

“Ya alright, sugarcube?” Applejack asks when she sees her friend shaking her head and wincing as soon as she was on the ground.

Gritting her teeth for a moment, Rainbow stubbornly walks on. “Fine.” She says gruffly. “Just.. still getting used to my normal metabolism, is all.” She excuses, figuring that the sudden vertigo was caused by that. She doesn’t really feel off, though, and the world has stopped spinning around her, thankfully, so she figures that it was just a fluke.
She elects to stay on the ground for now, no matter how bad her hooves hurt.

Applejack keeps a watchful eye on her for a while. She may not be able to tell how every step is causing her friend pain, because Dash has an unhealthy ability to continue with a stoic expression as if nothing is wrong, but she definitely notices when the pegasus steps on a sharp little rock with her hind leg some ten minutes later, and has to hop a few steps on three legs, before trying to shake off said rock.
Unfortunately, it seems to be stuck.

The farm pony gasps in shock when she sees the state of her hoof. “Sweet Zapp Apple Jam!” She exclaims. “Don’t you ever take care of your hooves?!”

The yell causes the others to halt and turn around to see what has the earth pony so upset.

“What’s going on?” Twilight asks, coming up to Rainbow, who is still standing on three legs, and adamantly looking away from everyone. She inspects the raised back hoof and emits a soft gasp of her own.
Without a word, she gently removes the stuck, sharp rock with her magic, causing Rainbow to hiss in discomfort. Spike loudly gasps at something, before clutching his hands over his mouth in horror.

“We’ll have to bandage it.” Twilight remarks uneasily.

“No.”

“Dash, yer bleedin’, for Celestia’s sake!”

That surprises the pegasus. She tries to get a look at her injured hoof, but could only see the rock that Twilight had removed, covered in a thin layer of unmistakable blood.

Twilight has meanwhile taken out a first aid kit from one of her saddle bags. When Rainbow notices her taking out a white roll of bandages, she protectively pulls the leg up to her belly, covering it from sight with her wing lowered.

“No pony is touching my hooves!” She snaps defensively in alarm.

“Rainbow, we need to keep that wound clean. You don’t want it to get infected.” Twilight says seriously.

“I’m not a pony.” Spike pipes up. “Can I help?”

“No.” Rainbow tries to get back into the air, but Applejack is quick to grab hold of her tail, causing the pegasus to unceremoniously fall to the ground. “Ow-! Hey!”

“Quit yer belly-aching, RD. Ya gotta take better care of yer hooves.” The farmer says in a strict no nonsense manner, stepping above the pegasus’ body so she couldn’t get up.

Now that Dash is unable to get away, Twilight and the others are able to take a closer look, since the pegasus is keeping the wound from touching the ground, obviously in pain. “Applejack is right. I had no idea you were walking on cracked hooves.” She remarks gently, her voice full of concern and a bit of guilt.
It sounds like disgusting pity to Dash.

“Oh MY.” Rarity all but faints at the sight of the obviously damaged and painful hooves. “I know I said not to come to me with split hooves, but I honestly wish I had brought my emergency hoof-care kit…”

“I said no pony — and no dragon — touches my hooves!” Rainbow growls from underneath Applejack, before barking at the earth pony. “Get off me, I’ll just fly the rest of the way.”

“Well, just know that I will never ask ya to help out on the farm again, if ya can’t be bothered to keep your hooves in order.” Applejack says seriously, before stepping off of her.

Rainbow frowns, in utter disbelief at what she just said, getting back in the air. “That’s never stopped you before.” She says sourly, before taking off and flying ahead of the group again.

“Wait, what?” AJ asks, taken aback. When she looks at the others, she finds Twilight grimacing as she puts away the first aid things again. “Twilight… do ya know what she meant?”

The alicorn nods glumly. “Rainbow told me once… that you got mad at her for not helping with the apple harvest. She said that bucking trees with her hooves isn’t really her strong suit. I guess now we know why.
I have read that pegasus ponies have a different anatomy, not as sturdy hooves as the rest of us, since it’s not needed when you live in the clouds, and I guess that Dash starving herself for years has caused very brittle and fragile hooves.” She explains with a sorrow expression.

The farm pony winces and hangs her head. “Gosh, and Ah yelled at her for bein’ lazy.”

“You didn’t know.” Twilight offers. “None of us did.”

“Uhm, guys? We better get moving if we want to catch up with her.” Pinkie Pie says, pointing ahead where they couldn’t even see Dash anymore.

The others nod and try to hurry after the clearly upset pegasus.

Rainbow is quickly lost in thought, hating the way her body just had to be different — in such a negative way. She already knows that her friends will ask more questions.
She also doesn’t blame them. At least they actually care about her well-being.
Probably a lot more than she does, herself, if she’s being honest.

She takes some deep breaths, gritting her teeth at the pulsing, stabbing pain in her hind hoof. “Just my dumb luck to get hurt so easily…” she sighs, “relax.. everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. I’m not gonna let this ruin our trip..!”
She looks back down to her rear end miserably.
“I just wish they wouldn’t insist on the bandages… urgh, I just know that those will drive me crazy.”

She’d learned the hard way that even the medical grade bandages and braces that she’d wrapped half of her body in — stolen from a medic tent — back when she’d been swept up by her desire to fly with the Wonderbolts rather than make sure Ponyville qualified, were absolutely horrible for her to endure.
It had been pure determination and her immense guilt, that had allowed her to go through with her — admittedly idiotic — plan.

It’s a struggle for her to wear most shoes, only owning a few sets of boots that don’t make her back crawl at every step — which would, ironically, protect her hooves from such injuries.
She has packed a set. Maybe she could get away with just wearing those? If she absolutely has to put something on her hoof, she’d rather pick a boot than scratchy bandages any day.

She slows down to a stop, finally taking note that she’s (unintentionally) left her friends in the dust. With utmost care, and keeping the injured leg off the ground, she lands so she could grab a shoe from her bags.
The sitting position is allowing her to take a look at the damage, which she has definitely seen much worse — on herself, and in general. The wound has stopped bleeding already, so she really doesn’t understand all the fussing from her friends. However, she knows better than to walk on it and possibly re-open the wound.

As she carefully puts a boot over her sore hoof, she hears and feels a noise and sensation that she’s no longer familiar with.
Her stomach is rumbling, something that hasn’t happened to her in over two years. Very softly, and it stops after barely two seconds, but it immediately causes a panic to rise up in her.

Ooh no. No no no no, we are NOT doing this! We just had breakfast an hour ago! You are NOT hungry! She mentally scolds the organ for betraying her like this.

Either way, there is nothing she could do about it right now, anyways. Not until they are out of this dangerous forest and reach the castle.
However, knowing that she is apparently low on calories again, is leaving her on edge. She knows better than to fly on an empty stomach, really not wanting to pass out mid-air for a second time. But it’s her only form of transportation right now. She just hopes that they’ll get to the castle sooner rather than later.

She finally hears the others approaching, and goes airborne again, pretending that nothing is the matter, whilst mentally wanting to strangle her stomach, tear it out of her belly, and throw it off a cliff.
She could hear her friends talking animatedly as they get closer.
You better be quiet. For both our sakes. She gives her stomach a final warning.

“Hey, Rainbow.” Applejack calls when the friends are finally with her again. “I’m mighty sorry that I was so-”

“You don’t have to apologise.” Dash interrupts sternly. She just wants to get to the castle, not trusting her stomach to behave, and she does not want to be called out for being hungry and ignoring it. Which… is exactly what she’s doing.

Rarity throws the pegasus a look. “Rainbow Dash, it’s very rude to interrupt others when they’re trying to apologise.”

She sighs and rolls her eyes, but gestures for AJ to continue.

“Ah know ya hate this touchy-feely-stuff, but it’s not right or healthy for you to bottle things up like that.”

“Who says I’m ‘bottling up’ anything?!”

The girls all throw her a pointed look at the outburst. Even Spike is rolling his eyes from Twilight’s back.

“Look, RD, we didn’t see eye ta eye for a while when we all first got together, and Ah’ve said and done things that apparently still bother ya, so stop pretending that everything’s just forgiven and forgotten.”

“Urgh, fine, apology accepted. Can we move on, now?” She demands impatiently.

Rarity steps forward with a half angry, half concerned glare at the pegasus. “Really, Rainbow Dash! The least you could do is to actually listen! Why are you in such a hurry to-”

She gets her answer, in the form of Dash’s stomach growling a tad louder than before, which they all heard perfectly. While she wants nothing more than to disappear in her humility, the others stare at her with realisation.

It’s a surprise for Twilight and Spike especially, because for the longest time, they honestly thought that Rainbow’s stomach would never ‘wake up’ from its ‘hibernation’ like this.

“Can we please just go now…?” Rainbow asks subdued, now that the cat’s out of the bag.

“But Dashie, your belly is saying that it’s hungry and wants food.” Pinkie helpfully points out. Barely two seconds after she says it, her own stomach lets out a loud and lengthy growl that almost sounds like an angry bear. “Look! Our tummies are talking with each other!” She exclaims happily before laughing. “Hey, here’s an idea: let’s have a picnic!”

The others could see the cyan pegasus drawing in on herself the more Pinkie was talking. Something so natural and perfectly normal as a growling stomach to signal hunger, is making her wish the ground would simply swallow her whole.

Twilight has read that any and all bodily functions can be viewed as something negative, embarrassing, and even downright shameful. Part of the disorder seems to be about becoming as un-feeling and un-needing as a machine.
Practically the exact opposite of what makes out the Rainbow Dash they all know and love.

Not for the first time does Twilight wonder if they’ll ever get back the Rainbow Dash they all met years ago, when she’d been doing much better when it comes to the eating disorder. Able to laze around, to participate in parties and start food fights, and just be her un-apologetical, unfiltered self.

Twilight hasn’t realised how much Dash has changed since they first met. Some things have stayed the same, obviously, like her constant need to prove herself to others and her fragile self-esteem, but she’d been much more free, and happier.

And she wishes nothing more than for her to get that back.

“We’re not having a picnic in the middle of the Everfree Forest.” Rainbow almost growls at the party pony, the constant pain in her hoof and a newfound panic at having to eat in the forest right now is making her snap. “Who knows what dangerous creatures are watching us as we speak!”

Twilight considers this, and casts a detection spell that she’s read about, after the crocodile attack. The girls all feel a circular wave passing through them and watch it spread out until they could no longer see the purple aura. The sensation has scared off a bunch of birds, which take flight and flee from the trees with loud squawking.
“We’re safe.” She announces.

“For now.” Rainbow adds, trying to get the group to keep on moving, rather than set up camp for a picnic. She feels like she couldn’t possibly get anything down right now, too high strung, nerves still on edge from the recent surprise attack that Twi and her barely escaped in one piece. “Let’s go!”

“Awww…” Pinkie whines, and her stomach lets out another monstrous growl that causes everyone to look at her with dumbfounded and almost horrified expressions.

“Ah’m pretty sure Pinkie’s stomach is what’s scaring away all the creatures from the forest.” Applejack remarks, looking pointedly up at the cyan pegasus. “We may have to take a break now, before it decides to eat us, instead.”

Dash sighs in defeat. “Fiiiine…” She carefully lands, on her three not-as-hurt legs, joining the others.

Rarity is of course seated on a cushion, which is protected from the dirty ground by a spread out blanket, while the others simply make do with large rocks, tree stumps, and the ground itself, without a care.

Twilight starts taking out a bunch of options for Rainbow, much to her displeasure, and to the amazement of the others.

“Gally, how’d you fit all of that in there?” Applejack asks in awe, staring at the many packages that couldn’t have possibly fit into one saddle bag. Plus: said bag somehow still looks like it’s bursting full.

“Infinite storage spell.” The alicorn explains proudly. It’s a very advanced spell, and she still gets a massive confidence boost whenever she masters new, difficult spells.

“That sure would come in handy if we take Rarity camping again.” The farmer jokes.

The unicorn in question points haughtily at her own, very sparse selection, which fits into her own set of bags. “I am trying, Applejack. So I would appreciate it if you stopped pointing out my lack of experience on what one really needs on camping trips.” She replies snappily, completely ignoring the fact that she’s the only one seated on a much too fancy looking plush cushion.

Rainbow is ignoring their banter, too focused on the food options. She hates that they’re all her ‘safe’ foods, and yet, just the sight, the very idea of having to eat again already, is making her throat feel tight. She doesn’t feel like she could even swallow water right now, much less solid food.

Spike is overly happy to have a couple of green gemstones. While the others are starting to dig in and talk mindless chatter, Rainbow is still stuck staring at her options, unable to decide on anything when her mind only ever says the same word over and over again: No.

“Rainbow.” Twilight eventually says, to snap her out of the apparent trance of adding up too high numbers and telling herself that she doesn’t need any of this. “Calories don’t count, today. Only focus on the memories we’re making.”

She grimaces at the thought that all the memories she’s going to create are just going to be about her own failure to eat food and let it digest without a breakdown of some sort.

Pinkie is suddenly right next to the cyan pegasus, holding out a wrapped, full sized chocolate bar. “Chocolate?” She asks cheerfully.

When they look over, the pink party pony is holding a couple more chocolate bars, apparently having packed enough for everyone, and then some.

“Pinkie, did you only bring chocolate bars with you?!” Rainbow asks in horrified disbelief. She would never be able to understand how in Equestria that pony could eat so many sweets and pastries and cakes all the time, and never seem to gain any weight.
She has to admit that part of her is incredibly envious of her. Not the ‘eating to excess’ part, but how carefree she is, able to eat without a second thought.

Unfortunately, right now, Dash’s nerves are already laid bare by the psychological stresses, and she hates any and every pony who dares to suggest she eat anything besides even the strictest, least caloric of her current safe foods; if anything at all.

“Yes-indeed-ee!” Pinkie says happily, oblivious to the rising anxiety in her friend. She then takes a big bite from one bar that she’s already got open and loudly gulps it down after barely chewing it. “Deeliciouus! I promise they’re sooo good!” She practically shoves the offered bar into her face, and that’s when all hell broke loose.

Feeling pressured, Dash slaps the hoof offering her a chocolate bar away from herself, with an angry exclamation of, “I’m not eating frigging chocolate, Pinkie! Do you have any idea how many calories are in that?! It’s all just useless, processed fats and sugar!”

All conversations around them die down in an instant, and Rainbow realises with horror that she just said that out loud.
She normally never, ever says these thoughts out loud.

The pink earth pony’s mane and tail seem to deflate a bit as tears start to fill her eyes. “I thought-… I was just trying to…” she trails off, her lips quivering.

“Pinkie, I’m so sorry, I-I don’t, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, Dashie…” She replies shakily, trying to force a smile on her face. “I should know better…”

“Pinkie…” Rainbow whispers with her ears pinned back, utterly heartbroken as she watches her friend put distance between them with her head hanging low. Pinkie is quickly pulled into Fluttershy’s embrace, and sobs into the pegasus’ shoulder.

Rarity pointedly clears her throat. “I must say, we all know that you are sick and we understand that this isn’t easy for you, but this,” she points to the crying party mare being comforted, “is more than uncalled for!”

“I know…” Rainbow says honestly, hanging her own head and closing her eyes in shame. She’s just as angry and surprised at herself. Never before has she let the disorder talk through her like that, criticising her friend’s food choices.

And of course, even though it was the disorder’s fault that she’d now made one of her friends cry a river, the voice is telling her that she’s obviously not allowed to eat anything now, and that she’s a horrible pony who doesn’t deserve food or water, and the only thing she deserves is to painfully starve to death.

Twilight nudges her shoulder and points to the food options once again, trying to remind her that she still has to eat, and Rainbow only wants to fly far, far away, to somewhere where she couldn’t hurt anyone ever again. She wishes she could make herself disappear into thin air.
I really, really hate myself. She thinks to herself.

Twilight eventually sighs at her adamant refusal and simply levitates a sandwich in front of her. She waits a while until Dash finally accepts defeat and takes it from her.

By the time she finally starts eating, the others are long done, Pinkie has stopped crying, and now they’re all just waiting on her, and it makes Rainbow feel like the entire world is staring her down with anger and disappointment.
She interprets it as: how could she eat something, when she’s just a horrible, worthless pony? How dare she, after hurting one of her best friends? She doesn’t deserve food, and she never did.

She wants to just throw it away from herself and fly off. In all sense of the words, she is in ‘fight or flight’, and the fight is between the food, herself, and her own mind.
She becomes horribly fidgety every time she has to slowly bite off a piece and chew it, and it’s a very obvious struggle for her to do the simplest 3 steps: bite, chew, swallow.

The others have seen her struggle to eat something, but it has never been this obvious, or this severe. Where the friends had still been a bit mad before, they are only concerned now.

It already feels like she’s been at this for hours, when she barely got a third of the sandwich down. To complicate matters further, her stomach is really hurting her now, which is making her really not want to swallow anything.
Her chewing is becoming slower and slower because of it, and she hesitates more and more before she could force herself to take yet another bite. The urge to spit it back out becomes harder and harder to overcome, and it’s slowly becoming near-impossible to swallow it down instead.

The thoughts are becoming louder and crueler with every bite, to the point where it feels like eating this simple sandwich is like walking the walk of shame, before she’ll be locked up in Tartarus for the rest of her life.

When she eventually reaches the halfway point, she feels her eyes tearing up, and at the next forced bite, they spill over. The sandwich feels never ending, and it’s not even because of its size.
It’s not like Twilight gave her a jumbo, massive, house sized sandwich. No, it’s just a normal tomato, cucumber and salad sandwich, and it might as well be filled with poison for how she’s acting.

In a way, it feels like the most intense punishment for her hurtful words and actions. Her mind is completely tearing her apart for what she did, and for having the audacity to eat when she absolutely doesn’t deserve to.

As much as she wants to, and feels like she needs to, Twilight refrains from comforting her in any way. This is a step that Dash will have to take on her own: learning that she still has to eat, even when she messed up. Coddling her every time when things get hard, isn’t going to teach her that. So she’s just staying in the sidelines, never saying a single word — neither of praise, comfort, reprimand, or to rush her.
The others seem to respect that decision. They keep throwing the alicorn questioning glances, but the fact that she’s staying back and not saying anything, has them doing the same, even though it’s excruciatingly difficult not to do or say anything when a close friend is obviously struggling so much.

Eventually, it becomes obvious to everyone that she simply could not take another bite, and Twilight wordlessly picks up the half that’s left of the sandwich and packs it up into a lunch bag.
Fluttershy gently caresses her backside, trying to comfort yet another crying friend.

“I’m sorry.” Rainbow croaks, covering her still crying eyes with a foreleg.

“We know.” The girls and Spike all reply empathetically.