Pinkamena Shoots a Laser at the Moon

by waterpear

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Dark
Length: 1260

The joy! Will last! FOREVER!

Pinkie Pie snaps and aims a laser at the moon.

The joy! Will last! FOREVER!

(this is not a serious attempt at fanfiction)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-10 15:40:02 UTC

Chapter 1

"I never felt joy like that before. It felt so good, I just wanted to keep smiling forever, and I wanted everyone I knew to smile too..."

Pinkie Pie had this crazy idea to draw a picture on the moon, and she was going to do it with lasers. So she borrowed some lasers from Twilight Sparkle. (Twilight had them laying around from a previous experiment.)

Pinkie then spent the day building a laser array. She spent the night testing it. It didn't work. She needed more power. So, the next day, she borrowed some power from Twilight, too. (Again, it was from a previous experiment, unrelated to the laser one, thank Celestia.)

This time, it worked. Well, sort of. Pinkie needed more lasers to draw the image she wanted, and she needed more power. Of course, she got more of both the next day. (Twilight was not yet concerned. She was experimenting with obliviousness magic at the time. No, she wasn't affected by the magic. She was just that ditzy.)

By now, Pinkie had a very large laser array, plenty of power, and two days without sleep.

And then she had a laser cannon. And straight hair.

Twilight and her friends found their pink friend off in a secluded field, cackling madly and chanting "Very soon, very soon, very very soon, very very very soon, very very very very very soon..."

Twilight gasped. "Oh no! It's the Fibonacci sequence!"

Everypony else gasped in startled horror.

"Even worse," Twilight continued, "Pinkie has straight hair and a laser cannon pointed at the moon!"

Everypony else gasped in startled horror.

Applejack looked at Twilight, eyes wide in, of course, startled horror. "Twi, where'n the hay did she get all them lasers?"

"Um...ponynet."

"That there ponynet oughtta be illegal, then!"

"Illegal or not, Applejack," Rarity said, "Pinkie has a laser cannon, and we really must deal with that first." ("A laser cannon? Really?" she thought.)

"But how?" Fluttershy asked. "We're going to try to reason with her first, right?"

("That's the least practical doomsday device I've seen. I mean, the power alone would be enough for a proper mass driver...")

"No way!" Rainbow Dash said. "The moon is in danger. Are you a bad enough mare to save it? 'Cause I sure am!"

("This entire setup sounds like a really dumb sci-fi movie.")

Rainbow bolted, hoping to strike down the laser cannon. Instead, she got bucked by the pink antagonist and landed in a ditch somewhere.

"Nopony else try anything else!" she shouted.

Fluttershy called out to her. "Pinkie, you're acting--"

"Don't call me Pinkie. I am Pinkamena, Harbinger of the Rainbow!"

(Rarity merely rolled her eyes. "Please, Sweetie Belle, burn me some toast so I can wake up.")

"No, Pinkie!" Twilight pleaded, desperation and horror shining in her eyes. "You're a party pony, not an evil scientist with a doomsday device!"

"Oh, did you want to be the evil scientist? Well, too bad! Do you know why I'm doing this? Do you know why I used to throw parties? Do you know?! I live for happiness! And when I saw the Sonic Rainboom that first time, the fires of joy were lit in me. Ever-burning pleasure! How can you be a decent pony and not want to share that with everypony?"

Pinkamena then proceeded to swat away Rainbow Dash, who had returned to try and attack the laser cannon again. "Fool! Don't you know that monologues give you invincibility?"

She continued. "So I invented the party. Yes, invented, for I had never seen one before on that Luna-forsaken rock farm. And it worked, so I thought. But parties don't last forever. I figured I could just keep throwing them, but I'm sick of it, Twilight. I'm sick of it! I've been trying so many other ways to spread happiness, like a laser picture on the moon. But you know what? If I blow up the moon, Equestria will be bathed in rainbow, and the joy! Will last! FOREVER!

"Pinkie." Twilight looked at Pinkamena with a flat, incredulous expression. "You're insane."

"They've told me that many times, Twilight, and always they were wrong!"

"No, I really mean it. I could tell you all the ways that your little monologue was either factually incorrect or just plain unhinged, but you really should get yourself checked out. Look, you clearly haven't slept in days, and we all know how I get when that happens. At least take a nap or something, for Celestia's sake."

"Twilight, I am warning you, if you come near my cannon, consequences will never be the same!"

"All right, that's it." Twilight's horn lit up--

In an instant, Pinkamena aimed the cannon and stomped the trigger. An incorporeal lance issued forth, piercing lavender skin as if it were gossamer. Still the luminous spear drove forth, tearing a focused hole through pony flesh, the beam proceeding to destroy bone. There was no blood, for the carmine rod of light boiled away the crimson fluid of life, and cauterized the wound before the deep vascular fount of scarlet could open. The rubicund ray dispatched the heliotrope unicorn nearly instantaneously.

Oh, and Pinkamena stabbed Twilight with a laser, too.

"But lasers don't work that way!" Twilight protested, before collapsing to the ground and bursting into flames.

Everypony else gasped in startled horror. Pinkamena killed them with laser stabs, too, because she was getting sick of that.

"Now, my precious, we can finally begin." Pinkamena turned a knob to "ALL OF THE POWER," and the whine of capacitors filled the air.

Suddenly...

HALT, VILLAIN!

Princess Luna herself appeared, ready to defend her night from this threat. But she was unprepared for the sight before her; the needless slaughter of her little ponies was too much. Pinkamena had gone too far. She would brook no murder.

"Pinkamena, hast thou slain thy friends for merely disagreeing with thee? We cannot forgive such evil!" Luna's horn lit up, bathed in the power of moonlight. "Thou shalt die, cur!"

"Fricking princesses with fricking horns on their fricking heads," From a device strapped to her head, a laser-horn materialized. It was exactly like a unicorn horn, except it was made of lasers, so it was like a unicorn horn in exactly no relevant sense. But, still, laser-horn.

"Damnable criminals with damnable lasers on their damnable heads!"

The two began to duel, laser light colliding with moonlight, spectacular sparks of both kinds of light spraying out with each parried strike and thrust. Twilight and her friends would have been blinded by the duel, except they were already dead.

"I am Pinkamena, Harbinger of the Rainbow, and Queen of Lasers! You, Luna, are but a reflection of the sun, while I transcend the optics of both sun and moon. You cannot hope to defeat me!"

"But you have forgotten, Pinkamena, that I am a goddess, while you are a mortal! I cannot perish!"

"Good point," Pinkamena said. She then proceeded to shoot a laser at the moon.

Unfortunately for her, the moon was the source of Luna's power, and Pinkamena had added power to the moon. Luna proceeded to grow, and became fifty feet tall. "Thou fool!" Giant Luna thrust her giant horn covered in giant moonlight at not-giant Pinkamena.

Then the moon exploded into rainbows, which caused giant Luna to vanish from existence.

As the waves of rainbow crashed into Equestria, petrifying everything and everypony, a smile formed on Pinkamena's face.

She would keep smiling forever.

"And that's the real story of how Equestria was made!"