“It?”
“That’s its pronoun, Twi. Its name is Serial Number: 2409064709.”
“Wha—”
“The first six letters are its certification date, and the last four are the manufacturer.”
“Who made it?”
“It came from the Vickers factory.”
“Oh—”
“In—”
“I know, Pinkie — New Castle.”
“Hey! Don’t say it like that — even if its name is kinda silly.”
“Your cannon's?”
“No! And don’t call it that, that’s essentialising.”
“Sorry, I mean, six zero four six nine… what were the other numbers, again?”
“Sheesh! 2409064709. Anyway, it's down to New Castle’s new fungikin mayor.”
“Having Fun?”
“Yes, her. She’s made the place super duper fun!”
“I know… but changing its name to ‘It’s A Fun Place’ is a bit on the muzzle. Are you taking your c—”
“…”
“Serial Number: Two nine zero four six um seven — are you taking it there?”
“We’re not sure, but it has said it would like a trip down memory lane.”
“Relive its foalhood—”
“…!”
“What’s wrong now!?”
“’Foalhood,’ Twilight? Really?”
“Oh, right. Um, relive its… its…”
“Its certification. When I was certified, it was massive — I remember everything like it was yesterday, just like it does. That was one of the first things we bonded over.”
“Oh.”
“We both just wanted to fire confetti and not round shot.”
“I keep forgetting about your brief stint in the military.”
“Everyone is just the same about Serial Number: 2409064709! It’s such a shame that no one can see beneath its surface. Deep down, it’s such a fun-loving piece of ordinance.”
“Wait… ‘ordinance’? Isn’t that a little 'essentialising'?”
“When it’s me, it’s different. Besides, you should hear what it calls me!”
“‘'Boom’, I should imagine. Heh...”
“…”
“Oh, sorry if I offended—”
“It’s rude to read a pony’s mind, Twilight.”
“I… didn’t. What? You mean it actually calls you that?”
“Well, duh. What else would it call me?”
“Uh…”
“It doesn’t have this.”
“They’re called 'vocal cords'. Out of interest, what does ‘boom’ mean?”
“Huh! Pretty much everything, I guess.”
“Okay… so when it calls you ‘boom’, what does it mean?”
“Well, obviously, ‘Pinkie Pie My Beloved and Most Fun and Wonderful Princess’.”
“Obviously…"
“Are you saying you never knew? Even after all those times it went ‘boom’ and sprayed confetti over us!”
“Oh, no, I did! I was just—uh—checking.”
“Fluttershy always screamed, ‘I love it!’ when it did that.”
“I think she was probably just screaming because she was frightened—"
“Of her sexuality! I know. She frightens me, sometimes! But it has tamed her.”
“No—wait! What!?”
“Oh, for pony’s sake! It’s been years and you still haven’t realised? She’s pan, Twi, like me, and it. And we’re in an open relationship with her, too.”
“I… see.”
“But she’s more interested in it, than me—I think? I don’t mind, though, because she makes it happy.”
“It—it told you that?”
“Yup, it told me while she was sitting astride it, in fact!”
“Stop winking at me!”
“That’s just what I said!”
“To it?”
“No — her. She was riding the bore and I was tasting the breech, so I had a pretty good view of her—”
“Ugh! Just... please tell me none of my other friends are in a relationship with your c—serial number zero two four six eight something something—IT!”
“What’s the matter?”
“N-nothing! I respect your decision to date it, I really do, and even though I am a little surprised by Fluttershy—”
“—everyone always is! Bats. Birds. Discord. Serial Number: 2409064709! There’s nothing that minx won’t try it on with. She’s insatiable!”
“Oh… okay, maybe you just see a different side of her.”
“…”
“Stop winking! Anyway, as I was saying, I'm not one to judge when it comes to what happens in the bedroom, or how anyone identifies. I am a bisexual pony female. Now, these days some may call that vanilla—”
“Nothing wrong with vanilla! Speaking of, I’m hungry—”
“We’ll have lunch in a second.”
“—for you to confess your feelings! Me and it would just love you to join us…”
“Pinkie! I was just saying that I respect your… relationship. Now, please do me the courtesy of respecting my desire to remain single and whole until I find the right mare, or stallion, for me.”
“Hmmm… very well. But, for your information, wily Twily, the others are not in a relationship with it.”
“Ah! Well at least there’s that.”
“Dashie does keep trying to shove it up her ass, though.”
“Really!? Damn! I thought we’d had a break-through on her anal-retentiveness in our therapy sessions.”
“It’s had a breakthrough or two, I can tell you!”
“Ew! And stop waggling your eyebrows. That’s not funny. She could do herself an injury!”
“It would never hurt her, Twilight.”
“Oh, for Sol’s sake! I didn't mean—”
“Just be careful, Twi. We’re friends, but me and it, we’re like…ah!— this.”
“Upside down?”
“Head over hooves!”
“Oh. So, have any of our other friends…?”
“Mighty interested, aren’t ya? fer a pony whose whole shtick is to keep her hole whole…”
“Hey! What have we said about puns. I get enough from Dad.”
“Oh! That reminds me, it loves him.”
“Please, no.”
“Not like that! They both love Equestrian history.”
“Military?”
“You’ve got it all wrong, you know. Despite its looks, Serial Number: 2409064709’s number one interest is clowns!”
“Oh, yeah. Dad does like clowns. So creepy…”
“HEY! IT IS NOT CREEPY.”
“I never said it was! It’s not a clown, is it?”
“Are you loco in the coco? It’s not just any clown, it's one of the most famous tumblers in the country! It's even been in Cirque du Soleil!”
“As… a clown?”
“Well, actually, that dampens its fuse a lil'. It says they may have type-cast it.”
“As?”
“A cannon.”
“Oh. I… err… how narrow minded of them.”
“But it has some great lines! Mainly ‘boom’.”
“Right. So, aside from Dashie and Fluttershy, what do the others think of you going… official with it?”
“Well, Applejack was tickled pink, because she loves having another thing to hang with who doesn’t talk all hoity toity. She said, 'Sheeyucks, that thar Serial Number: 2409064709 sure does remind me of ma' cousin Apple Howitzer'. She's also a Geordie, y'see.”
“And Rarity?”
“Well… she—she can be a bit of a meanie pants.”
“Oh? She disapproves?”
“For it, Twi, not me. I think she thinks a pony like Cheese is more my size and that it deserves a larger, more open and rounded, c—”
“Aw… Pinkie, I’m sure she doesn’t think that.”
“I sure hope not, Twi. Maybe she’s just jelly? Like you.”
“Hey! I am not jealous!”
“Maybe not, but then why’re your cheeks the bestest colour, wily Twily? whose face I can read like a book from her library.”
“Am not!”
“I think you’ve been keeping secrets again.”
“No! Not at all.”
“Pinkie promise?”
“There’s no need for—”
“PINKIE PROMISE!”
“Pinkie! Really! Be reasonable.”
“PINKIE PROMISE ME THAT YOU HAVEN’T BEEN WITH IT!”
“Well…”
“Go on…”
“It’s just that…”
“Yes…?”
“I was drunk—I was at a military exhibition at the Vickers factory in New Castle—it was ages ago. I was barely out of Celestia’s School, and my friends had pressured me to stay late. There were so many cannons firing at once: grape shot, round shot and even chain shot. Their operators could barely keep up. One of them asked if I wanted to try. So I... I lit its fuse and—and—it blew confetti all over the place! I didn’t even know its name! I was so ashamed I galloped all the way back home and swore off not just artillery or other firearms, but all polemology! ”
“I KNEW IT!"
