My Little Innuendos: Sex Jokes are Hilarious

by electreXcessive

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 3895

What happens when ponies come together for the celebration of friendship? Well, sex jokes of course, and lots of 'em! Join us as ponies both young and old get into questionable sounding situations. You know you want to.

Welcome, to the biggest collection of sexual innuendos that you will ever experience in your life. Because sometimes, situations are ambiguous. Sometimes we need to write something silly to get us out of a writing slump. Sometimes, ponies interact in the most inappropriate sounding ways possible. Don't act like you haven't seen it before, besides; who doesn't love a good sex joke every now and then?

Published 2013-02-25 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-25 03:40:02 UTC

Grandma's Secret Recipe

Apple Bloom awoke early in the morning, feeling alert and attentive. Today was just another day on the farm for her. Waking up early and getting ready for work was an everyday occurrence for her, and she loved helping her family earn their living by working the fields. Things were going to be slightly different today, however; she was supposed to help Granny Smith make the pies using her patented "secret technique."

She ran down the stairs excitedly, happy and eager to spend time with her Granny making those oh-so-delicious pies. Not only that, she was finally going to learn the secret family recipe that had been passed down for generations. Every Apple knew the recipe, and the passing of this great secret onto her would signal the start of her journey into Apple Family adulthood. This was her rite of passage, and she was ready and willing to help however she could.

Her tiny hooves flew like the wind, skipping a few steps as she skidded to a stop on the ground floor. As she struggled to maintain her balance for a moment, she looked into the kitchen, seeing her grandmother happily working away at the pie dough and setting out all of the ingredients they would need to make the treats delicious. Strangely enough though, she couldn't actually see anything too out of the ordinary in the way of ingredients. Maybe it was some sort of spice? Cinnamon or a little bit of nutmeg perhaps?

No... That would just give the pie an overall weird flavor that wouldn't match with the crispy texture of an Apple Family apple pie. Slowly, she inched her way around the corner, eyeing her grandmother working furiously. She had no idea that a pony of her age could be so energetic or enthusiastic about anything, especially with the normal sluggishness that she usually exhibited. Inching ever closer, she rounded the corner and walked into the kitchen.

She observed her grandmother quickly moving about the room, mixing various things and moving others to other counters. She'd never seen her move so fast in her life before now. Maybe she was just excited for this day as Apple Bloom was? After all, it wasn't everyday that she got to teach a the secret recipe to a new family member. Apple Bloom inched closer to her grandmother, who hadn't seemed to have noticed her yet. She decided to call out to her to get her attention; she didn't want her grandmother to finish making the pies before she'd even gotten a chance to help after all!

"Hey Granny, whatcha' doin'?" Apple Bloom asked, tilting her head in curiosity.

"Ah! Apple Bloom! I've been waiting for you ta get up honey! I'm just gettin' everything together for the pies."

"But Granny, I don't see any special ingredients anywhere 'round here," Apple Bloom said in confusion.

"Oh... I have it right here. A lotta ponies don't get ta' see this in their lifetimes," she said, bringing the special surprise out for her grand-daughter to see.

Apple Bloom eyed it with wide eyes. Never before had she seen such a pristine specimen; it was practically shining and radiating, filling her with a sense of wonder and awe. A little bit of spittle and drool began to fall out of her mouth as she began craving its sweet taste on her tongue.

"G-granny... I didn't... Is that...?" her voice trailed of as her grandmother merely nodded her head.

"Yes Apple Bloom, it is. Its juice is what gives our pies its special kick! It takes a lot of care to harvest it, and you have to treat it just right or you won't get what you want. Usually I'm too tired to do it and I don't have as much endurance as I used too... Most of the time your sister and brother have to do this instead. It's a lot easier for them since they're younger too... But... I thought since it was your first time, that you should share this special moment with your granny."

"I-I don't know granny... Are you sure it's alright to do this? I mean, what if I mess up?"

Her grandmother just smiled, patting her on the back reassuringly, "Don't worry deary, I wasn't exactly grade A material on my first try either. Just try your best and we'll both have fun."

Apple Bloom nodded her head, looking back towards the thing that had so easily captured her interest. She eyed it intensely, it looked ripe with age, but still strangely enticing. She just wanted to taste it for herself, but she knew that wouldn't be fair. After all, she had to share its wonderful flavor with the rest of Ponyville! Maybe she'd even be able to earn her cutie mark if she did it well enough! Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle would be so excited for her; maybe they'd even get to try the finished product. First however, she'd need to figure out how to extract the ingredient that she needed for that ultra-special pie filling.

Tentatively reaching out a hoof, she attempted to grasp it. Her hooves were trembling from nervously from anticipation, brushing up against the side of it repeated and causing Granny Smith to frown with concern. She was going to damage it! It was very fragile after all, and the simplest mistake could ruin it. Even with a few years time, she might never be able to have such quality in her special ingredient again!

"C-careful now Apple Bloom! Just take some slow, deep breathes and calm down. We wouldn't want to have any accidents now!"

"R-right, sorry granny!"

Apple Bloom paused to take a deep breath before returning her gaze it. How was she supposed to get the stuff out? She could always try the tried and true method of using her hoof, and if worse came to worse, she could just use her mouth to try to force it out. After all, how hard could it possibly be?

She brought her hoof up to it again, attempting rub at it and get it warm for what was to come. Her hoof rushed quickly back and forth, bringing a raised eyebrow from her grandmother. Slowly she stopped rubbing it and tried to grasp it to no avail. It was just too smooth for her to do anything about, and all of the rubbing barely did anything to get it ready. She needed something else... Her eyes gained hope as she felt a new idea pass through her head. She could use the sink to run hot water over it! That way, it would be easier to actually get the secret ingredient!

"Uh... Granny... Can you come over to the sink and help me? I wanna run some hot water over it to loosen it up a bit, is that alright?"

Granny Smith nodded, noting Apple Bloom's interesting choice of technique. Most ponies didn't want to do it that way. It was sort of cumbersome in a way, and not very effective when it came right down too it. Still, whatever would help was fine with her; it wasn't easy to do for somepony her age anyway. The pair walked over to the sink, Apple Bloom climbing up on to it and looking at her granny. She gripped the hose nozzle extension from the sink, aiming it and firing, getting her granny a little wet in the process.

"Aww shucks Apple Bloom, now ya don' got me all wet!" Granny Smith chuckled.

"Sorry granny, but I just thought it wouldn't be easier this way since ya won't have ta move as much!"

Granny Smith smiled at her grand-daughter's thoughtfulness as Apple Bloom jumped down from the counter, preparing to give it another go. She attempted once more, but her hoof just slipped right off of the now wet surface, providing no leverage for her whatsoever. Now what was she supposed to do? She had exhausted all of her options at this point, looking around the kitchen for anything that she could use to open the gateway to those delicious contents she so desired.

Could she possibly use the tongs to grab both sides and... No, that idea just sounded stupid the moment it entered her head. Maybe she could use one of those special gloves that ponies had that allowed you to get a better grip on things? Frantically, she searched around the kitchen, not finding a single one of those miraculous gloves that could have saved her so much trouble. This was it, she'd have to go to her last resort.

Carefully, she lowered her head towards the object, searching for the point point of attack that she could find. Slowly, she opened her mouth, biting down hard on the outside and causing an excited yelp from her grandmother.

"Be careful y'all hear? It's very fragile!"

Apple Bloom's tongue slipped and slid over the surface, which was a lot smoother than it appeared to be at first. This aggravated her as she bit down tighter, slowly attempting to twist her head to get the contents out. She let out a victorious chuckle as she felt it turning. Her chuckled died out into surprised as it exploded outward, some of the contents spraying out and coating her whole face.

Apple Bloom licked her lips, taking in the sweet flavor of that beautiful fruit, carefully lowering the container to the counter in front of her. It was a miracle that she hadn't managed to actually drop it or break it with that last unexpected explosion. She hadn't expected the contents to be so pressurized, but she was just glad that she got to get a little taste of it before it went into the pie. Granny Smith shook her head with a soft chuckle.

"Didn't I tell ya to be careful? Now you're all covered in the stuff... Oh well, lets just put some into the filling and get ta bakin'!"

Apple Bloom gripped the container in two hooves, walking over to the counter and pouring some of the filling into the pie crust. She smiled with delight as she saw it fill up the tin, and she covered it with a top layer of crust, brushing it in a light spread of butter. Together her and Granny Smith put the waiting pie into the oven, both breathing a sigh of relief.

"Geeze granny, I never thought it would be so hard to open that jar! Usually it's a lot easier to get the zap apple jam outta the jar! That was the best batch that I ever tasted though, Applejack and Big Mac sure did a great job with harvestin' this year!"

"They sure did Apple Bloom. I keep on tellin' em though: they make those darn jars way too hard to open! Gotta put way more effort than ya should into it! Celestia knows how many times I've thrown out my back tryin' to open them things!"

Apple Bloom simply hugged her grandmother, a small smile crossing her face, "I love you grandma... Thanks for letting me do this with you."

"Don't mention it Apple Bloom. I love spending time with my favorite grand-daughter!" Granny Smith chuckled.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yes I do! But don't tell your sister I said that..."

The Special Treatment

Fluttershy exited her cottage slowly, looking around at the serene environment around her. Looking at her home and all of the creatures frolicking about always calmed her nerves whenever she was feeling particularly nervous. Today was one such day, and with good reason. She was getting ready to do something that she had never done before, which in itself always terrified her. The prospect of delving into the unknown filled her with a sense of unease at what might happen, even though she knew that everything would probably be alright.

She'd also hurt that it could be particularly painful for first-timers, and the various after effects that she'd heard about did nothing to entice her. Still, all of her friends were doing this, Rarity even doing so every other weekend if she could. They'd told her that it could really be a pleasant experience, and that she had to experience it for herself at least once before she made a concrete decision. They'd told her how good it could feel, and how much she would probably enjoy it. Fluttershy, however, still had doubts about the whole thing.

Slowly, she laid down on her belly in the grass, shivering a bit in nervous apprehension. She turned to look at the white bunny behind her, giving her a tiny smirk. It was about time that she had finally tried this out for herself! Angel couldn't believe that she had ever gone so long without ever knowing the joy that such activities could bring her. Now it was time for her to experience the pleasure first hand, and he would get to do the honor of treating her to her first time.

In all reality, he had been the only one available to do this for her, her friends telling her that it was really a personal experience that should do with someone she trusted. Who after all did she trust more than her loyal pet and friend, Angel Bunny? Angel came around behind her, eyeing her body for the perfect places to strike. Bracing for impact, Fluttershy closed her eyes and tried to prepare herself for the initial pain.

What would it feel like? Would it feel good and enjoyable, or would it hurt and sting like nothing she'd ever felt before? She had no idea, all she knew was that she was in Angel Bunny's paws now. She just hoped that he knew what he was doing, and that he would be able to keep it from hurting too bad. Maybe she should have hired a professional, or something rather than having her pet do it for her? She shook her head, trying to clear her mind of such negative thoughts, after all, with all of the animals around her house, he'd have to have seen it happening at least once or so. Right?

Angel bunny smirked at the shy Pegasus as she trembled in anticipation. He pushed forward with a sharp thrust, eliciting a large gasp from the quiet pegasus. A strange mix of pleasure and pain coursed through the mare as he went to work. Mangled squeaks erupted from her mouth as she squirmed under him, feeling the pressure of his body on top of hers. His expert thrust sent shock waves throughout her body and down her spine, filling her with a sensation that she had never experienced before.

It was almost as if he was a professional at this; how many times had he done this before she'd had her turn? It didn't matter right now to her, all that mattered was that he was doing this for her now, and that he was working his magical touch on her body. How many times had she felt the need to do this, but never acted on it because she was afraid of what could happen? She'd helped plenty of other mares and stallions with this problem before, but she'd never indulged on the feeling herself! The feel of his firm, yet gentle caress of her body was simply intoxicating, and almost too much for her to bear.

Angel continued pounding Fluttershy, the sound of his firm thrusts echoing across the clearing along with the sound of Fluttershy's soft moans. As he continued to go harder and faster, Fluttershy's moans became louder, and more guttural, signifying that he had just found the sweet spot. Pausing for a moment, he signaled for her flip over onto her back and allow him access. Hesitantly, she agreed, still eyeing him with a nervous glance.

"Please... Be gentle..." Fluttershy muttered as he eyed her tender belly.

Angel Bunny just smirked, eyeing the perfect angle of attack to give Fluttershy the most pleasurable experience possible. His perfect thrusts and strikes immediately continued, the rhythmic slapping sounds echoing throughout the clearing. Fluttershy grunted in pain and ecstasy as his gentle caress of her body but it felt so good! She sidled closer to him to give him easier access to her body.

It felt so close to coming out now, all she needed was that extra push to bring her over the edge. She could feel herself ready to explode from all of the much needed attention that he was giving to her aching body. His gentle caress, his soft fur on hers, and his expert skill combined to give her the best experience possible. If this had to be her first time, she was glad that she could have it with him. A particularly effect strike sent her into a quivering state, only able to produce low moans from her mouth as her hooves pounded the ground begging for more.

He smirked, gripping onto her with a paw to hold her still and make sure that his pounding stuck home. He continued to hammer her sweet spot, bringing her closer and closer to just exploding. Her body seemed to melt as he thrusted harder and harder, trying different techniques and angles until he found the one that was most effect. He wanted her to be comfortable after all didn't he? He didn't want any weird feelings between him and his home owner after this was all over and done with. Beside, this was just a one time thing wasn't it?

“A-angel! P-please, just a little harder! It’s so close to coming out! Please, just listen to mama! Harder! Harder please!” Fluttershy yelled at her loudest, which was still a soft whisper.

Angel headed her request, pouring as much raw bunny power into his thrust as possible, hoping to push her over the edge finally. His final thrust sent a wave of pleasure through Fluttershy as she finally felt the pesky thing come out. His last thrust was a quick strike of pure power that pushed them over the edge, causing a massive pleasurable sensation to erupt throughout Fluttershy’s entire body. She gave a soft sigh as her body relaxed onto the grass; she just gazed up at the sky with a glazed look and a dumb smile plastered over her face.

Angel just smirked, now that he had shown her how good it could feel, she would finally get enough courage to go out and seek it for herself. Maybe she would even do it more often; she certainly seemed to enjoy the whole experience. He knew that he did. Being able to pleasure his friend in owner in such a way filled him with a sense of pride and accomplishment that made him smile with delight. Besides, it had been fun to see her squirming and moaning as his gentle touch sent shock waves through every single nerve in her body.

Overall, he was just glad to help his caretaker with her most simple of needs, something that any talented stallion or mare could give her after all. She just had to find her preference: whether she liked it hard or soft, deep or shallow, from the back or the front. It was really all about preference after all, she would just have to experiment with different ponies to find which one she liked best. They even had establishment for the activity, places where she could go to get the satisfaction she so desperately needed with various partners who were more than willing to serve.

Fluttershy finally stood up after a brief rest, pausing to catch her breath. She was glad that she had finally gotten to experience the joy and feeling of it all. Another creature caressing her body and catering to her most basic of needs; it was simply delightful. She wondered why ponies didn't do this sort of thing all of the time. Not only was it fun, but it helped her get rid of all of the stress and tension that she had stored deep within her body. It made her forget all about the world around her and every single problem she had, and nothing negative seemed to be coming out of it.

There were ponies all over town that were willing to do this at many hours of the day as long as they weren't busy or doing it with their partners. She would have to suggest it to everypony who'd never had the pleasure of experiencing it before. She couldn't believe how she had gone so long before and never even thought about or considered it! Slowly, she turned towards Angel Bunny with a happy look in her eyes.

"Ah... That felt so good! Thank you Angel Bunny, I can't believe that I never thought of getting a full body massage before... It's so relaxing and liberating!"

Angel Bunny gave her a little smirk and a thumbs up, chuckling a bit. Fluttershy smiled gently at him and gave him a pat on the head; she would have to give him a carrot or some other treat later for being such a good boy. After all, it had been a great treat for her, and he deserved repayment for his work.

"You're right Angel Bunny, I really should do this more often! I'll have to give you a carrot later for doing such a great job. Boy... That really felt good, I think I've had that knot in my back for over a week! Maybe I'll give you a massage later for being such a good boy..."

Fluttershy stretched herself out a bit, feeling her loose muscles and smiled a huge smile. It felt so relieving to finally have all of her tense muscles freed from their sore imprisonment. She walked back into her cottage, signifying for Angel Bunny to follow, and she giggled a little. Today had been a great day, and she was glad at the way that everything had turned out, though now she was a little sleepy. She would go take a nap and then continue on with her day, she decided with a smile.

As she laid down her bed and closed her eyes for a rest, the animals that had gone into hiding throughout the whole ordeal came out of the various hiding place. They all looked around, quite confused, and focused their gazes on Angel who had not yet followed his owner into their home. Their eyes seemed to ask him what the heck had happened while he and Fluttershy were out there. Their cries and moans had echoed all across the clearing, carrying down into the homes of nearly ever woodland creature in the area. With a small sigh, Angel turned around, looked at the group of confused animals, and shrugged.

He walked back into the cottage, lying down on the little bed that Fluttershy had made for him long ago. He'd done a good day's work, and her deserved a break after all of that. With a small smirk, he tried to close his eyes and go to sleep. As he reached over to pull his blanket over him, he felt a twinge in his paw. He rolled along the floor as he felt his paw cramp up, eyes tearing up in pain.

Now I'm gonna need a massage...