My name is Thermal Derivative, and I think I’m about to become Dr Thermal Derivative. It all hinges on what professor Florence Lim thought of my viva, which was really bucking tough. But that’s how she treats all the students she likes. If you’re not performing at your best, she’ll point it out as blunt as a battering ram crushing down the double doors to the palace. Best way to do it though, this subject is tough and you have to be prepared to defend any statement you make at any time. Although if you’re in, you’re in and it’s chill. Kind of toxic when you think about it.

My research focused on single molecular junctions for efficient charge transfer in enzymatic systems. In laypony terms, I make really thin wires that aren’t exactly wires because electrons tunnel through the HOMO/LUMO gap unlike a traditional wire where-

I’ll stop myself there, that's usually where my parents start gawking at me like I’ve grown a horn and am now Prince Thermal Derivative. It’s not as impressive as it sounds. I spent most of my time in the lab huffing d-chloroform while trying to balance the gilson pipette that was designed for unicorns in my heavily gloved wings. I usually spill, but it’s okay because apparently d-chloroform is ‘way too easy to make’ and ‘stupidly cheap’ according to Dr. Lim.

I mean, it better be cheap, she owns the company that makes it.

I don’t particularly think my lab skills are all that, but Dr. Lim says I’m ‘not bad’ in the lab so I stick around. That’s about as high praise as you get from Dr. Lim, her saying ‘not bad’ is like her literally breaking out into song about how amazing whatever you did was. Which she never actually does because she can’t ‘feel the magic’ or something.

That’s just one of the many quirks of Dr. Florence Lim. Despite being a ‘mare’, she never goes into heat. Despite having a monopoly on every single chemical that is ever produced in the Crystal Empire ever, she lives in a tiny bungalow in the burbs and rides the train to work.

Although, those aren’t her biggest quirks.

She’s married to Chrysalis. The one who tried to take over Equestria not once, but twice.

That’s enough to make most ponies run away screaming, afraid that she’ll release some sort of mind control gas into the room and make them all changeling slaves. Which is really odd because then they’ll scarf down the paracetamol produced by her company when they have a cold.

They’ll also point hooves at her, saying that she shouldn’t be allowed to live in Equestria because she’s just biding time to take over with her wife. Then they’ll praise the invention of magi-computers. Guess who laid the groundwork?

I really don’t understand it. I’ve met her, Dr. Lim’s wife. She really isn’t all that. Made me a ‘cuppa’ when I showed up one time to discuss thin layer deposition techniques and Dr. Lim wasn’t home. She then showed me the back garden which was ‘bomb as fawk’ (a phrase from Dr. Lim’s vocabulary).

She is reformed. But that doesn’t sell papers.

“Thermal, you can come in now.” Dr. Lim’s alto tone flows down the hall. I perk up my ears and scamper. No time wasting around Dr. Lim. Through the door and in the seat, I look up and she’s smiling. The smile most ponies call evil.

I know the truth. Getting Dr. Florence-bucking-Lim to smile was borderline impossible. It was like hitting a bullseye through a molecular sieve while being spun around on a vinyl at rapidly interchanging RPMs.

“Fantastic. Utterly brilliant. Synthesis methods were dodgy but I think you know that. You also muffed the characterizations but I can't blame you, we haven’t exactly figured out how to get the resolution on the STM machine down to single nanometers yet. I look forward to what's next, Dr. Thermal Derivative.”

Her fist is outstretched. I bump it.

I can not believe it.

I am the first ever pony in Equestria to have completed a PhD under the tutelage of the infamous Dr. Florence Lim. The first pony in twelve years.

…

To be honest, I would have left the Crystal Empire far, far, far behind if I were them.

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My name is Dr. Florence Lim and I am the owner of the biggest chemical company in the Crystal Empire-slash-Equestria-slash-this whole planet.

Don’t worry, I’m not a cunthead, essential pharmacy products are free, subsidized by my other chemical productions. Acetic acid, ethanol blah blah, thank God I don’t run it. Work at CEPU keeps me busy enough.

I’m loaded now. Which feels nice. I dunno, I give most of it to Cadance. She knows what to do with it.

Although the weird thing is that money is somehow going back into my pockets because I’m being paid to design a detector for MDMA and all such ‘bespoke’ derivatives. Magical detectors were iffy at best for the ‘enchanted’ drugs so they turned to me for a more chemical solution.

Caddie isn’t so bad. She’s kinda chill, although it took a really long time for her to be chill with me, especially because of my marital status. Twilight helped a lot with that. Twilight’s been helping me with a lot of shit, especially after I told her that Chrys and I were kind of in love. Something about ‘finally! reformation!’ or whatever, I tend to tune her out when she gets into one of her rants.

Speaking of, Twilight helped Chrys squash the beef with Caddie. We do Christmas now. Er, hearth's warming or whatever. Same idea, twelve days, yada yada, exchange gifts, talk, find an excuse to leave early because either me or Chrys are giving each other bedroom eyes…

Good times.

We live in the Empire, a nice bungalow, roomy garden, Chrys is growing cantaloupes. Oh my God they taste so good.

Innuendo half intended.

What. She secretes… something. It’s hot. Fuck off.

Okay, the elephant is getting increasingly impatient, so I suppose I ought to address it.

Yes. I stayed. Even though pretty much everypony still thinks I’m some sort of evil villain just waiting to do some nefarious thing to take over Equestria forever.

I stayed despite all the shit that I get from the other members of faculty whenever I show up for a work event. Especially the idiot mugs from the naturalist magic department. Times change, get a life.

I stayed despite the consistent gibbering and pestering I get from all these stupid motherbuckers trying to tell me that I should start charging more for the chemicals my companies make.

Why?

My wife. Duh.

And I’ve decided to put aside my pride. I need to call Shining.

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My name is Chrysalis and I’m busy preparing dinner for tonight. It’s a dinner party- Flurry Heart just got her highschool results back and they were pretty good so we invited everypony around to celebrate.

Ok not really, hosting at ours would have been a nightmare and a half so I’m in the castle kitchen right now whipping cream for a cheese souffle. Flurry loves cheese souffles. A close second is braised white asparagus in truffle cream. Didn’t have time to make the broth this time, she’ll have to settle for a stock cube.

If you couldn’t tell already, I absolutely adore domestic life.

Don’t get me wrong, invading Equestria, becoming its sovereign… I think about it from time to time. Ah~ I’d get those filthy, no good, lower-than-me ponies to build my darling wife a beautiful palace in the hills. Concubines a-plenty, if my darling likes the look of one, they’d serve her for eternity! We’d spend our days in pure bliss, our every whim catered to…

HA!~

Only joking! I left those fantasies long behind me. But it’s still fun to think about them. No, I much prefer my life now.

Having somepony to live for is… refreshing.

*Rinnnnnnnng- clink*

That’s the timer for the roasted pepper and tomato soup. Vegetables all provided by me, of course, from the garden. Flo insisted on the garden. I didn’t really understand why until I ended up taking over because-

Ah! That story.

Listen close, I’ll tell you a secret.

Despite the Great Dr. Florence Lim’s status as ‘chemical genius of the century’, she is absolute crap at anything related to cooking, gardening- the lot! Just the other day I asked her to dice up some carrots for me. I come back and they are the biggest and most irregular chunks of carrots I have ever seen in my life! I just don’t understand how somepony who’s whole job involves atomic precision can be so terrible at cutting things up into small, uniform pieces.

Suffice to say the ragu that night was incredibly chunky.

I love her to bits, though, even through all her annoying habits and legendary stubbornness.

I mentioned the garden, right? The one I took over?

Well, it took about 3 years of plants either not producing anything or straight up dying before she gave up. I mean, she was charging out there everyday, fertilizer and shovel raised high above her head ready to finally tame the garden and make it her food producing servant.

She was so obsessed that I was starting to get jealous!

But then again, that's what makes her so… amazing. That rigorous tenacity.

Ponies only see the outcomes, but the work she put in to make those inventions a reality?

Countless nights pouring over data. Countless requests for cups of tea and late night snuggles when the curve just didn't quite fit her expectations.

I love her.

Life is… good.

Well.

I dunno.

I’ve been craving something else recently.

And it’s not the subjugation of all equestrian races.

…

Children.

I want children.

A clutch of grubs, running around, getting into trouble.

Flo, I love her dearly, sadly lacks the equipment for making them- and I wouldn’t have it any other way, really. I love her just the way she is. But I would really love it if we could raise some grubs, just the two of us together. I have so much love to give now, I see it.

But… I- I mean…

We did talk about… I thought, maybe we could ask if somepony could… but she didn’t really like-

*Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing*

My meringues!

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My name is Flurry Heart and I am eating simply the most amazing meal right now. The asparagus is cooked to perfection- although clearly the braising broth was made from a stock cube. Not exactly auntie’s fault.

The truffle cream sauce is, as always, to die for. I can practically feel my mother staring at my plate, her bread ready to sop up any of the sauce I have left on my plate. She’s a glutton. Takes after her mentor and my other aunt, Celestia. She couldn’t be here today because she’s entertaining her new coltfriend.

Here’s hoping this one sticks. Although, at her age, I reckon she’s just looking for some fun.

Her sister couldn’t make it either, she’s performing in Canterlot tonight. Beethooven’s piano concerto no. 4. Sent me tickets for the matinee two days from now- a sort of tradition whenever she’s doing a set.

But still, those present at the table- mother, father, Flo, and Chrys, are those closest to me. Only two of them are ponies, my parents.

Yeah, I’ve got a weird family. Love them to bits, though.

“So. You’re dead set on Canterlot then?” Auntie Flo bluntly asks, scraping the knife gripped in her ‘hand’ on the side of her plate. Not this again.

“Yeah, I am. I think it’s the best choice for-” I can't even finish my sentence before Auntie Flo cuts me off with a dull, humourless laugh.

“Those old farts? They’re still stuck in the bronze ages. I’ll tell you a secret, all the-”

“Equipment they have in their labs were once owned by you, yeah yeah.” I finish her sentence, having heard the same old crap from her multiple times. Auntie Flo, of course being the stubborn goat she is, doubles down by leaning forward, getting into my face.

“Precisely. So what reason do you have to hang out in that dusty old cobwebby lab with all that shitty-”

“Language!” Auntie Chrys cuts Auntie Flo off with a deft smack of the back of her head.

“Wot! She’s eighteen, her ears can handle it!” Auntie Flo retorts, casting her wife a half glare. I share a look with my mother. Here they go again.

“You should hear Shining swear when we’re playing-”

“Oi! Don’t drag me into this!” My dad cries out, his mouth still stuffed with bread and asparagus. A bit of truffle sauce dribbles down his chin.

And to think he used to be captain of the guard.

“You two! Honestly, poisoning poor Flurry’s mind with all that disgusting language.” Auntie Chrys crosses her front hooves, petulantly turning her head away. My mother and I share a giggle.

You want me to stop them? My mother telepathically asks.

Nah. This is fun. I’ll miss it. I reply. Smirking, my mother leans back into her chair, dabbing her mouth with her napkin to hide her laughter.

“-only reason I get heated is because you keep winning!”

They’re odd creatures.

“It’s not my fault you failed basic mathematics. It’s all probability based.”

Always arguing about this and that.

“Darling, you count cards. I know you do.”

They don't mean it though. I can feel the mood, they all love each other.

“YOU WHAT!? I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING! GIVE ME BACK MY BITS!”

And I love all of them too.

“Well, I’m sorry for being infinitely smarter and more capable than you. Why don’t you learn to count so I can actually have a challenge for once?”

Okay this is getting out of hand though.

“I’ll miss you too, Auntie Flo, love you!” I shout above the burble of banter. As expected, the noise stops. The only thing Auntie Flo hates more than what she views as incompetence is sappy-ness. A collective breath is held as the table prepares for me to be berated by Auntie Flo.

Will she tell me to shut my syrupy mouth up?

Or maybe a classic ‘you’re giving me diabetes with all that sap’?

A tense few seconds pass.

Auntie Flo opens her mouth.

Nothing.

This is highly irregular.

“I love you too.” Comes the words that my aunt wouldn’t be caught dead saying to me. She barely says it to her wife. Her face is hard and wrinkly, lips pressed together tightly. She only gets like this when I’m in trouble or I got anything less than an A+ in maths or science.

“You are brilliant. Don’t let those mugs at Canterlot tell you otherwise. You will do great things. I know it.”

The entire table has their mouths hung open in shock.

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My name is Shining Armour and I am loving my retired life! It’s great! No more patrol routes, no more paperwork, no more doubling down on soldier discipline, it’s just me and indoor cup golf…

Okay yeah, I can’t keep this up. I am simply bored out of my shit-buck mind.

But not the bad kind of bored?

I mean I have like five billion different skills I never would have picked up if it wasn’t for the copious amounts of free time.

Need a baby sweater? Crochet or knit?

Gotta set up a magi-computer? What’s your specs?

Leaky pipe? I’m your stallion.

Ok that sounded like…

Nevermind.

Well, at least being retired means that I can be there for Flurry. Tonight’s a big night, we are celebrating her graduation.

Honours by the way. Oh yeah, I’m such a great dad.

Dessert was fantastic, courtesy of the former nemesis of my wife and I. Eton mess, a recipe from the world of my long time, bipedal friend.

On its face, it looks like a crock of shit. Smashed up meringues and strawberries all mixed together in the thickest cream known to pony kind. But it, as the kids say, ‘slaps hard’.

Flurry always cringes to death when I say that.

Right now, I am enjoying a vintage scotch on the balcony. Next to me sits Flo, who is somehow now a friend of mine.

What a crazy relationship this is. Fifteen odd years ago, I’m snooping around her lab because some wad in intelligence reported that she was making mind control gas.

She was actually trying to cure cancer. Sadly, it didn’t work. However it turns out the side effects from that gas causes rats to get instant boners. Made a hefty chunk off of that, most of which fortunately ended up in the government treasury because for some reason Flo is a philanthropist or something.

Now she comes over every Thursday night and absolutely robs me and my friends blind at whatever card game we decide to play.

I’m down like ten thousand bits to her.

Don’t tell Cadance.

Speaking of Flo, she’s being awfully quiet today. I know Flurry moving away is hard for her- I mean Flo and Chryssie had a huge hoof in raising Flurry. But something else seems to be heavy on her mind.

“What’s up with you?” I ask. Always good to be blunt and direct with Flo. She doesn’t stop staring at the stars, her eyes tracing the patterns, brow still as furrowed as when she stepped outside.

I wait. Flo hates being disturbed when thinking. She once threw a beaker at me for interrupting her while she was pouring over a new synthesis method for ammonia.

I wait.

Another sip of scotch. It no longer burns my throat like it used to. Funny how time changes things.

Finally, she turns to me.

“Hey. You remember that thing you offered to do for me.” She mutters.

“You’re going to have to be more specific. I’ve offered, and done, a lot of things for you.” I deadpan. Usually this is when the banter starts. Instead, she somehow looks even more pensive than she already does.

“You know. Chrys and I. Our problem. Wrong tools. Does that offer still stand.”

“Ah. I get you… I thought you were going to come up with some bullshit science-y solution for that?”

Flo’s face turns even darker. She looks away in what feels like a display of… shame?

“Nah… It's just…” She pauses to knock back the rest of her drink, “I really shouldn’t mess with that stuff. I can’t really guarantee anything. Life shouldn’t be messed around with.” She murmurs over the ambient sound of night.

“So, basically, you failed.” I say, pouring out another glass of scotch for Flo. She laughs in response.

“Yeah. I’m completely stumped. But I don’t care anymore. I don’t have to be right about everything. And even if they don’t share my DNA, they’ll still be my kids.” She says, licking her lips before taking another sip of scotch. Ordinarily, I’d rib her to no end. But it just doesn’t feel right.

“Yeah, of course my offer stands. And you’ll be great parents, both of ya. You’ve already proved it with Flurry.”

I expect a sharp pain in my ribs, delivered by Flo.

Instead, I see the warmest smile I have ever seen in my life.

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My name is Cadance, and I’m practically shaking with excitement. Shining just told me the most wonderful news.

Flurry had just turned in for bed, being worn out from all the celebrations. Around the fireplace sit a few of the creatures I (somehow) hold most dear to my heart.

Flo and Chryssie are snuggled up against each other, the love emanating from them almost making me barf. I had to excuse myself when Flo told Chrys the news.

Shining is loafed up next to me, head on my barrel.

“Okay, but you have to let me name at least one, I’m the one who’s finding you the top secret impregnator agent.” Shining whines. The death glare from both Flo and Chryssie could melt steel.

“You call the donor a ‘top secret impregnator agent’ again and I’ll bite your head off.” Chryssie snarls, baring her fangs and Shining Armor and hissing. Flo crosses her arms and nods in agreement.

“Alright, my bad. But I can name a kid, right?” My husband asks. I bap him on the head with my wing.

“Dear, leave it.” I lecture. He pouts at me, laying his chin on my barrel and flashing me his puppy dog eyes. Thankfully, our many years of marriage have allowed me to build up an impressive resistance against his tactics. I maintain my stony face at him, even though I just want to pinch his cheeks in my hooves and say a bunch of things that will get me voted into the most cringe celebrity couples list.

“Hey, why not. It’s just one out of… what? Thirty?” Flo casually says, changing from scritching Chryssie’s neck to the space behind her ears. Gods those ‘hands’ of hers make me jealous. Of course, not that there’s anything wrong with my dear Shiny.

“Mhhhh thirty to fifty, depending on how virile this ‘impregnator’ agent is.” Chryssie says, pushing her head deeper into Flo’s scritches.

“I-Wha- Okay, so I can’t say that but you can?” Shining jokingly demands. Flo and Chryssie sit up, ready to engage in another banter-war.

Ah, here we go again. I take another sip of port, a toast to myself.

To more happy days like these in the future.

Author's Note

I decided it was about time to give the two a happy ending.

I did the thing again where I leave out details for you (the reader) to fill in and come up with yourselves. Yes. I'm lazy.

Don't worry, I'm not into the whole 'immortal watching their lover die' trope so you won't have to sit through any bittersweet farewells in the future. Instead you can come up with them yourselves.

Hope you lot enjoyed.