The Purposes of Ponies

by auctor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1876

Some conversations in the lead-up to a royal wedding

Princess Celestia and Big McIntosh have become engaged, and there are some matters which need to be talked through.

My first entry in the Dialogue only contest.

Published 2024-06-12 02:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-12 02:00:00 UTC

On the purposes of princes

“I’m here to discuss the princess’s fiancé’s employment. I understand you have some concerns, Chief.”

“Ah, yes, your highness. I know it’s not a fit job for a prince—”

“— Oh, do you now? Tell me, do you know whether Big Mac is happy with his work?”

“We’ve never discussed it. Or much of anything, really. He’s not much of a talker. And there are many reasons why ponies are satisfied or unsatisfied with their jobs.”

“Come now, Chief. It’s been several months. Surely you’ve seen him work for long enough to have an idea.”

“Ah, your highness. Ah...”

“Answer me!”

“Yes, he enjoys the work. Especially when he can help with tasks other porters struggle with. Too often ponies ignore the regulations on acceptable weights of crates.”

“Why thank you, Chief. Now, do you have concerns with Big Mac’s performance?”

“Of course not, your highness! He’s one of my strongest and most dedicated workers.”

“We have an occupation where he enjoys the work, and he excels at the work, how can that not be a suitable occupation for a prince?”

“It’s beneath royalty, sir!”

“‘Beneath royalty’ you say? You imagine he’s to do something he’s less suited for, because somepony like you deems it unworthy? While we, who are royals, obviously do not?”

“If you put it like that—”

“— I do put it like that.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You agree that porter is a proper occupation for this particular prince, then?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Does anything more need to be discussed about his employment?”

“No, sir.”

“Then good day, Chief.”

“Good day, your highness.”

“... and then there are concerns from the chief porter about the propriety of your fiancé’s position.”

“Oh, you don’t need to bother about that. It’s already been taken care of by Blueblood.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“Try some of the tea, it’ll help with that cough.”

“How could you have chosen Blueblood to handle this?”

“Blueblood can occasionally — very occasionally — be useful about this kind of thing. Ponies can develop some deep beliefs, and it’s difficult sometimes to convince them how foolish they in fact are — they’ll build mental barriers. Often rudeness only entrench the belief and make them hunker down and defend it all the harder ... but sometimes, a blast of rudeness is the best way to break through the mental barriers they’re erected. And even then maybe there’ll be some resentment about it, but Blueblood isn’t the kind of pony to care what a ‘commoner’ thinks.”

“I see. But couldn’t you just have ordered the chief porter to keep McIntosh on after the wedding?”

“Yes, and he’d obey such an order, but he wouldn’t accept it. It’d still ‘be improper’ according to his sensibilities, and that will destroy the working relationship. And Big Mac is not the kind of pony who would be satisfied living off a royal stipend, he needs to have an honest job.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“Does that bother you?”

“No, your majesty. You’ve just given me some things to think about.”

On the purposes of in-laws

“My apologies for not coming to visit you sooner. It shouldn’t have taken an emergency to get my priorities straight.”

“No needta apologize, yer majesty. We should be thanking you for what you were willin’ to endure for our family.”

“It’ll be my family too soon enough, so please just call me ‘Celestia’. In any case, I shouldn’t have waited until that Ahuizotl nastiness happened to visit my future mother-in-law.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“I’m sorry. That was careless of me. Big Mac has told me a lot about you, and everything he’s mentioned doing with you, are what mothers do with their sons.”

“You apologize too much. Yes, he’s my grandson, but in many ways he’s more like my second son. I’m honored to be yer mother-in-law.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Smith—”

“— ‘Granny’, if you want me to call you ‘Celestia’!”

“Granny, ... Big Mac has concerns about the farm.”

“Damn straight he does. We’re worried about the future of the farm ’cause no hired farmhands’ll work like Big Mac did. And I’m getting on in years. Applejack seems determined to work herself to death. And as for Apple Bloom — now where’d she run off to?”

“She’s over there, behind the stairs’ guardrail.”

“She’s not as recovered from Ahu-eezot’ll as I thought.”

“I have some experience with this kind of thing. Tell her I need a hug.”

“The princess needs a hug. Could you give her one?”

“I’m sorry, princess!”

“Sorry? Sorry for what?”

“Because of me, Ahuizotl made Big Mac do something bad to you. I could have hid better—”

“No! You did nothing wrong — nothing!”

“You forgive me, princess?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It kinda was. Just a little, right?”

“No. Not in the slightest.”

“Yes it is! If I hadn’t been caught, then Ahuizotl couldn’t’ve made Big Mac hurt you. That makes it my fault!”

“Every action or inaction has consequences, good or bad. But you’re not always responsible for bad consequences.”

“Why not?”

“Think about when you are responsible. If you’re trying to be bad, it’s always your fault, right?”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“But what if you’re not trying to be bad, but bad things happen anyway? You’ve experienced accidents, right?”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“Do you get in trouble for them?”

“Sometimes. When they say it’s my fault.”

“Why do you get in trouble for them?”

“Because I caused them, even though I wasn’t trying to.”

“But you don’t always get in trouble.”

“Because bad things just happen sometimes. There isn’t always somepony to blame.”

“Even if somepony caused them?”

“Yes...?”

“Why?”

“Because they couldn’t have known! Like with Scootaloo and the wasps nest.”

“You couldn’t have known? Did you search for a wasps nest?”

“No.”

“So you could have known.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t make sense that we’d have to search everywhere first! It’d take forever and we’d have no time left to have fun.”

“So isn’t it more about what you should have known? Not could have?”

“I guess...”

“When I was a little filly and I got in trouble, my parents told me that I should have known better. Do your — does your family tell you the same thing?”

“Yeah! They say I need to think about the effects of what I do.”

“That’s right. If you don’t do that, you’re being careless. And if you hurt somepony because you’re careless, that’s your fault.”

“OK. But what’s this to do with Ahuizotl?”

“We got a little sidetracked. Ahuizotl was a monster who did bad things. Not a powerful monster, but a very tricky one. Since he couldn’t hurt me by himself, he chose to use somepony I wouldn’t defend myself from. But of course Big Mac endured Ahuizotl’s torments rather than hurt me. That hurt me more than anything which came later. Ahuizotl wasn’t tricky enough to realize that, but he was tricky enough to find you. He used you. It’s never your fault when you’re used unwillingly — then you’re another victim.”

“But he didn’t hurt me at all!”

“Yes, and because of that I might let him out of Tartarus one day.”

“I still feel bad.”

“You feel that way because you’re a good pony who was forced to do a not-good thing. You’re still a good pony.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“You two’re quite the pair. Apologizin’ and feelin’ bad about stuff you had no control over. Here, I bet a slice of pie will make you feel better.”

“Me, or the princess?”

“Both of you!”

“It’s sad that little Bloom didn’t feel like she could tell anyone. I saw that she’s been troubled, but we figured it was just ’cause she’d been kidnapped by that beast. Ain’t that bad enough? But to be blamin’ herself — cor, that’s ten times worse. I feel like I failed her for not seein’ it.”

“There’s more than enough regret going around about the Ahuizotl affair already. You did your best with the information you had at the time. That’s all that can be asked of somepony.”

“You ask more than that for yerself. You collect regrets about Nightmare Moon like they were stamps.”

“I banished my sister for a thousand years. A thousand years!”

“And you had a choice about that?”

“No. It was that, or surrender.”

“Yer sayin’ surrender was the right choice?”

“No. That would have only made it even worse. The right choice was to stop Nightmare Moon from happening in the first place.”

“You ain’t the one who made Nightmare Moon.”

“Yes, I was! I was a terrible sister to Luna. I made Nightmare Moon by ignoring my sister’s interests, dismissing her concerns, while I basked in my own popularity and denied her true rulership.”

“Plungin’ the world into darkness forever ain’t a reasonable response to bein’ a bad sister! You didn’t make Luna unpopular. Yer popularity was ’cause you were a good ruler. You weren’t the one who turned to black magic to make yerself more powerful.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“Nightmare Moon was Not. Yer. Fault.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“You’re right.”

“’Course I am.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧
‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“How do you know all this?”

“I exchange letters with Big Mac. He don’t like it that yer hurtin’. You may think that you don’t show it, but he sees it.”

“I never told Big Mac about the black magic Luna turned to.”

“For some stuff, let’s just say a little birdie told me.”

“A birdie?”

“A mare’s gotta keep her secrets.”

‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧ ‧

“Don’t give me that look, I’m yer mother-in-law. I’m supposedta give you a hard time.”

“Cheep cheep cheep.”

“Excuse me, your majesty?”

“You’re a quick study.”

“I figured a cantankerous old coot like Granny Smith could do well dealing with a certain overly stubborn pony.”

“Thank you.”

“There’s just one more thing, your majesty.”

“Yes?”

“It’s caw, caw.”

“I’m not asking you to rule because of your deeds. I’m asking you to rule because I trust you to rule kindly, justly, compassionately, fairly, and generously. I believe in you. Please believe in yourself the way I do.”

“Sister— you should have told me this in private. Now everypony is seeing me cry.”