There Could Be Zebras About

“Hey, hold the fort for a minute, I’m gonna take a slash.”

“Careful Sarge, there could be zebras about.”

“Still alive Sarge?”

“Obviously, what’s gonna attack us out there?”

“I dunno, zebras?”

“What in Tartarus is your thing about zebras? There’s no zebras for 100 miles.”

“Yeah, but maybe they crossed the border?”

“There’s tensions sure, but we’re not actually at war, dumbass.”

“Can’t be too careful though.”

“Yes, we’re Guards in Her Majesty’s service, I know we can’t get too careful, but I’m not about to go around looking for zebras in every shadow, especially when we’re not even at war with them.”

“Well, sure, I’m not saying that.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I dunno, just there could be zebras about.”

“Buck off!”

“There could!”

“Zebras about what?”

“What?”

“Zebras about what?”

“About, I dunno?”

“Zebras about ten hooves high? Zebras about to eat their dinner? Zebras about to jump out at me from behind that tree over there?”

“Zebras can’t jump Sarge.”

“Buck off zebras can’t jump. Of course they can bloody jump.”

“My grampa told me they couldn’t jump, he fought against them in ‘78.”

“Zebras CAN jump.”

“Not like ponies.”

“Yes like ponies.”

“Not really Sarge.”

“Yes really Private.”

“My grampy wasn’t pulling my leg Sarge, I’m pretty sure he was serious.”

“And how do you know that eh? I thought you said your grampa has a talent for making party poppers last week, he doesn’t sound serious.”

“He does, but he was serious! About this.”

“Ok, I’m just asking how you knew he was serious when he said that zebras can’t jump.”

"…"

“Apparently his squad stumbled upon a few zebras in a courtyard in Zth… Zrb… Ztch…”

“Zrtchndmthd?”

“Yeah there. I can never pronounce them. The Zebras couldn’t jump the courtyard walls, even though grampy was sure he could have done.”

“Sure, but maybe they didn’t want to jump the courtyard walls.”

“They really did Sarge.”

“Did they?”

“Yeah…”

“C'mon, spill the beans then.”

“It's… uh… not great, Sarge.”

“I'm a big colt now Private, I think I can handle a few old war stories.”

“Well, grampy was let off on account of how he lost his hoof in the scuffle, proved his assailant was armed, but the rest were court-martialed.”

“What? Why?”

“They only found one dagger Sarge, it was just civvies. They were all frightened and trying to escape, but cos they couldn’t jump the wall everyone stampeded. Apparently it was chaos. Grampy didn’t like to talk about it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Why though?”

“Why what Sarge?”

“Why can’t Zebras jump?”

“Couldn’t rightly say Sarge.”

“I thought they were just like earth ponies who got confused in a paint factory. Earth ponies jump pretty well.”

“They’re not completely different, but gramps did say they were unnatural quick, like.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, up close, hoof to hoof, grampy said they were proper scary.”

“Still, no match for the Royal Guard, eh?”

“If you say so Sarge.”

“I do say so. They don’t have magic, wings, or our good old honest muscle-power do they, let alone proper armour, they’d be mad to tangle with us.”

“Well yeah, ‘course they don’t have any of that.”

“Exactly. Now eyes front soldier, no point getting worked up about it. Leave the thinking to the bigwigs. We just keep watch.”