The Diary of Marble Pie

by debrecen

Rating: teen
Tags: Marble Pie, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Suicide / Self Harm, Slice of Life
Length: 4540

After Marble Pie sees Big Mac and Sugar Belle together on Hearth's Warming Eve, she tries to pour her sadness and heartbreak into her diary...

After Marble Pie sees Big Mac and Sugar Belle together on Hearth's Warming Eve, she tries to pour her sadness and heartbreak into her diary...

If only the other ponies around her could understand how badly she was hurting.

Note: The story deals with elements of depression, low self-esteem, social estrangement, isolation, and suicide. Please be advised.

Published 2024-06-12 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-12 16:30:01 UTC

December 25

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning hoping it was all a bad dream. That maybe I imagined seeing them together, that maybe the ache in my chest would be gone. But it wasn’t. The pain is still here, and it’s worse than ever.

I tried to get through the day, to smile and pretend like everything was okay. But every time I saw the Hearth's Warming decorations, I thought of Big Mac and Sugar Belle standing under the mistletoe, and it felt like a knife twisting in my heart.

My family was all around me, but I’ve never felt more alone. Pinkie was her usual bubbly self, spreading cheer and laughter everywhere she went. Maud was quiet and steady, as always. Limestone was... well, Limestone. And me? I was the ghost in the room, the one nopony noticed.

I wish I could be like Pinkie. I wish I could be happy and carefree, spreading joy wherever I go. But I’m not. I’m just Marble, the quiet one, the one who can’t even find the courage to speak up. The one who can’t stop thinking about what could have been, what will never be.

Everywhere I look, I see reminders of him. The apple cider on the table, the applesauce in the pies. It’s like a cruel joke, like the universe is mocking me. "Look at what you can’t have, Marble. Look at the happiness that will never be yours."

I tried to avoid everyone today. I spent most of the day in my room, pretending to read a book while my mind was somewhere else. But even in my room, I couldn’t escape. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them together. I heard their laughter, saw their smiles, felt the sting of their kiss.

I know I should be happy for them. I should want Big Mac to be happy, even if it’s not with me. But I can’t. I can’t be happy for them because it hurts too much. It’s like a part of me is dying, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Sometimes, I wonder if anypony would even notice if I were gone. If I just disappeared one day, would they miss me? Or would they just go on with their lives, forgetting that I ever existed? Maybe it would be better that way. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have to feel this pain anymore.

Maybe one day, things will be different. Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to be happy. But for now, all I can do is survive. All I can do is try keep going, even when it feels like I’m walking through a never-ending storm.

Thank you for listening, Diary. You’re the only one who understands. The only one who knows how much I’m hurting.

Goodnight, but it won’t be a good night anyway.

Marble Pie

December 26

Dear Diary,

Today was a little better, I guess. The pain is still there, but it’s not as sharp. It’s like a dull ache. But at least I was able to get through the day without breaking down.

I spent most of the day with Maud. She’s always been my rock, no pun intended, the one who understands me the most. We didn’t talk much, but just being with her helped. She has a way of making me feel less alone, even when we’re just sitting in silence.

We went for a walk around the rock farm. The cold air felt good, like it was clearing my head a little. The sky was gray and overcast, fitting my mood pretty well. But there was something comforting about it, too. Like the world was acknowledging my pain, even if nopony else could.

Maud didn’t ask me what was wrong. She never does. She just... knows. And that’s enough. Sometimes, I think she’s the only one who really sees me, who understands how much I’m struggling. I don’t have to pretend with her. I can just be myself, broken and all.

We walked in silence for a while, and then she turned to me and said, "You’ll get through this, Marble. I know it feels impossible right now, but you’re stronger than you think."

Her words meant a lot, even if I’m not sure I believe them. I don’t feel strong. I feel like I’m falling apart, like I’m drowning in this sea of sadness and loneliness. But if Maud believes in me, what the hay, maybe there’s a part of me that can believe in myself, too. Even if it’s just a tiny part.

I saw Pinkie when we got back. She was busy baking something or other, getting ready for another party, no doubt. She asked if I wanted to help, but I couldn’t bring myself to join her. I didn’t want to bring her down with my sadness. She deserves to be happy, to spread joy. I don’t want to be the one to dim her light.

So, I came back to my room and started writing again. It’s the only thing that makes me feel a little better, the sole thing that helps me process all these feelings that are swirling around inside me.

I thought about Big Mac again today. I wonder if he even notices that I’m hurting. Probably not. He’s too wrapped up in his own happiness to see the pain he’s caused. And why should he? I’m just Marble Pie, the quiet one, the shy one, the one who is always overlooked.

I don’t know how I’m going to feel better again. I don’t know how to let go of these feelings, how to stop loving someone who will never love me back. I truly don’t think I will be able to.

Maybe one day, I’ll look back on this and laugh at how dramatic I was being. Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to be happy, to be loved. But I don’t think so…

Thank you for listening, Diary. You’re my only friend.

Goodnight.

Marble Pie

December 30

Dear Diary,

I thought about running away today. Just leaving everything behind and disappearing. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have to feel this constant ache, this endless loneliness. But where would I go? What would I do? I don’t belong anywhere, not even in my own family.

I watched Maud and Mudbriar again today. They were working together on some rock project, completely absorbed in each other. They have this connection that I can’t even begin to understand. They fit together so perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. I envy Maud so much it hurts. She’s found her other half, the one who completes her. And I’m just... alone.

I tried to talk to Pinkie today. I thought maybe if I could be more like her, more open and friendly, I wouldn’t feel so isolated. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t find the words to even say hello to my parents in the living room or say hi to Pinkie. They got stuck in my throat, and I ended up standing there in awkward silence while she went on about some new party she’s planning. She didn’t even notice how much I was struggling. She never does.

Pinkie is always surrounded by friends in town, always the center of attention. She has this light that draws ponies to her, that makes them love her. I don’t have that. I’m just a shadow, a whisper, a nothing. I try to speak up, to be noticed, but it never works. I’m always the one left out, the one forgotten.

I feel like I’m broken, like there’s something wrong with me that can’t be fixed. Why can’t I be more like Maud or Pinkie? Why can’t I be happy and loved like they are? It’s not fair. It’s never been fair.

I spent most of the day in my room again, trying to escape the pain. But it’s always there, lurking in the back of my mind. No matter what I do, I can’t get away from it. It’s like a shadow that follows me everywhere, a constant reminder of what I’ll never have.

Goodnight.

Marble Pie

Marble's Note...

Dear Everypony,

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I don’t know what awaits me or if there is even life after death, but I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t keep living in this darkness, this misery. I need to find a way out, to find some kind of peace. I’m sorry for leaving like this, but it’s the only thing I could do.

I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. It’s like there’s been a weight on my chest, crushing me, making it hard to even exist. Every day is a struggle, a battle just to keep going and push on. I’m so tired, so incredibly and indescribably tired. I feel like I’m drowning, like I’m trapped in this endless nightmare with no way out.

I know you’ve tried to help, but nothing seems to work. Even when everyone endeavors to be there for me, I feel so alone, so completely alone. I can’t talk to you about how I’m feeling because I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to drag you down with my sadness, my pain. So I keep it all inside, and it’s tearing me apart.

Maud, I envy you so much. You have Mudbriar, you have someone who loves you unconditionally. You’re so steady, so strong. I wish I could be like you, but I can’t. I feel like I’m broken, like there’s something wrong with me that can’t be fixed. Your happiness only highlights my own misery, my own loneliness. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the sister you deserve.

Pinkie, you’re so full of life, so vibrant and loved by everyone. You have friends, a purpose. Everypony loves you. You’re everything I’ll never be. I’m just a shadow, a whisper, truly a nothing. I try to be happy for you, but it’s so hard. Your happiness only makes my own emptiness more unbearable. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the sister you deserve.

Limestone, just know you will always be dear to me and I hope you don’t keep a grudge against the memory of me. I only did what I had to do.

Mom, Dad, I know you love me, but I can’t keep living like this. I feel like a burden, a waste of space. I’m not the daughter you wanted, the daughter you deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more, that I couldn’t make you proud. I’m sorry for everything.

I haven’t been taking care of myself. I haven’t been eating, I haven’t been sleeping. I can’t remember the last time I felt any kind of joy, any kind of hope. My mane is a mess, my coat is filthy. I look in the mirror and I see a stranger, a gray ghost. I hate what I see. I hate myself.

I feel like I’m disappearing, like I’m rotting and fading away bit by bit. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I don’t know how to keep going. For these reasons, I have made my decision. After all, how can death be much worse when everything in life feels so hopeless, so pointless.

I need to find a way out, to find some kind of peace. I only see one option. I can’t keep living in this darkness, this despair. I’m sorry for leaving like this, but it’s the only thing I can do. Please don’t blame yourselves. This isn’t your fault. It’s just something I have to do.

I love you all, even if I couldn’t show it. I’m sorry for everything. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Goodbye and farewell.

Marble Pie

December 24

Dear Diary,

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s not like it will change anything or make the ache go away. But what else can I do? Talking to others isn’t really an option. They wouldn’t understand. Nopony ever understands. Sometimes, I feel like I’m invisible, like a shadow that nopony notices. And tonight, it’s worse than ever.

It was supposed to be a simple Hearth's Warming Eve party. Just a small gathering, like we always have. I didn’t want to go, but Maud insisted. She said it would be good for me to get out, to be around others. "Maybe you'll have fun," she said. As if fun is even a possibility for me anymore.

I didn’t want to go because I knew he would be there. Big Mac. I can barely write his name without feeling my heart shatter all over again. Everypony was laughing and talking, and I just stood in the corner, pretending to be part of the celebration while feeling like I was a million miles away. And then, there they were.

Big Mac and Sugar Belle.

They looked so perfect together, standing under the mistletoe. I could see the way he looked at her, the way his eyes lit up when she smiled. And when they kissed... Celestia, when they kissed, it was like somepony had reached inside my chest and ripped my heart out. I had to look away, but it was too late. The image is burned into my mind, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get it out.

Why? Why does it hurt so much? I should be used to this by now, to being the one who is always left out, always overlooked. But this time, it’s different. I thought maybe, just maybe, Big Mac saw something in me. I thought he might see the real me, the one who hides behind this wall of silence because she’s too scared to let anyone in. But I was wrong. He doesn’t see me. He never did.

It’s always been this way. I’m just Marble Pie, the quiet one, the shy one, the one who fades into the background. Pinkie is the fun one, Maud is the strong one, and Limestone is the tough one. And me? I’m nothing. Just a ghost, a whisper, a nothing. I try to speak up, to be noticed, but the words never come out. They get stuck in my throat, and I end up saying nothing at all. And now, because of that, I’ve lost him. Not that I ever really had him to begin with.

Why did I even think I had a chance? Big Mac is everything I’m not. He’s strong, kind, and brave. He deserves someone who can match his strength, who can be his equal. Not somepony who can barely look him in the eye without blushing. I’m so stupid. So, so stupid.

Seeing them together made me realize something. I’m always going to be alone. I’m always going to be the one on the outside, looking in. I’ll always be the one who is never enough, who is never chosen. And I don’t know how to live with that. I don’t know how to keep going when every day feels like I’m drowning in this sea of loneliness and despair.

I want to scream, to shout, to let out all this pain that’s tearing me apart inside. But I can’t. I can’t because no one would hear me anyway. They would just see Marble being dramatic, Marble being overemotional. So I keep it all inside, bottled up until I feel like I’m going to explode. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Big Mac and Sugar Belle are probably so happy right now. They’re probably laughing and enjoying the holiday, completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve shattered my heart into a million pieces. And why should they care? I’m just Marble Pie. I’m not important. I’m not worth noticing. I’m not worth loving.

It’s pathetic, isn’t it? How much I’ve let this affect me. How much I’ve let my feelings for him consume me. But I can’t help it. Every time I see him, I feel this spark, this hope that maybe, just maybe, he might see me. But that spark has been snuffed out now, and all that’s left is this cold, empty darkness.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make this pain go away. I don’t know how to move on from something that was never really mine to begin with. All I know is that I can’t keep going like this. I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay when it’s not. When it will never be.

Maybe it’s time to accept the truth. Maybe it’s time to realize that some ponies are meant to be alone. Maybe I’m one of them. Maybe I’ll always be the one who is never enough, who is never chosen. And maybe I need to find a way to live with that. Somehow.

But tonight, I can’t. Tonight, all I can do is cry. Cry for what could have been, cry for the love that I’ll never have, cry for the pony who will always be alone. Cry for Marble Pie, the quiet, shy, invisible pony who will never be seen.

I wish things were different. I wish I were different. But wishing doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make him love me. It doesn’t make me enough.

So, I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep pouring my heart out onto these pages because it’s the only thing I can do. The only thing that makes this pain hurt a little less. Even if it’s just for a moment.

Goodnight, Diary; thank you for listening. You’re the only one who ever does.

Marble Pie

December 27

Dear Diary,

Today was hard. AGAIN. I woke up feeling like there was a weight on my chest, like I could barely breathe. I didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to face the world. But I forced myself to get up. Because what else can I do?

I tried to keep busy, to distract myself from the pain. I helped Maud with some chores while she’s still around the farm, even though my heart wasn’t in it. I tried to focus on the task at hoof, but my mind kept wandering back to Big Mac, to Sugar Belle, to the way they looked so happy together.

It’s like a cruel joke, like the universe is laughing at me. "Look at what you can’t have, Marble. Look at the happiness that will never be yours." I can’t escape it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, it’s always there, lurking in the back of my mind.

I saw Pinkie again today. She was baking more treats, always so gosh darn happy ALL. THE. TIME. Always getting ready for another party. She asked if I wanted to join her again, but I couldn’t. I can’t be around other ponies right now, can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not. So, I made an excuse and went back to my room.

I spent most of the day there, writing and trying to make sense of my feelings. I drew Big Mac, well, I drew him with me saying: “I love you Marble!” It’s the only thing that gives me hope, seeing his big strong head looking at me from atop those muscular shoulders, saying he wants me in his life. That makes this pain a little more bearable. But even that isn’t enough sometimes. Sometimes, the pain is just too much, too overwhelming. More like all the time.

Goodnight.

Marble Pie

December 28

Dear Diary,

I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending loop of misery. Every day is the same. I wake up with a heavy heart, go through the motions, and end the day feeling just as empty as I did before. I don’t know how to break free from this cycle. I don’t know if I ever will.

Today was no different. I tried to keep busy, tried to distract myself from the pain. But it’s always there, lurking in the background, a constant reminder of what I’ve lost. Or maybe it’s not about losing something, but rather never having it in the first place.

I saw Big Mac today. He came by the farm to drop off some supplies. He smiled at me, that kind, warm smile that used to make my heart flutter. But now, it just feels like a knife twisting in my chest. He has no idea how much I’m hurting, how much his presence alone causes me pain.

I tried to be polite, to smile back, but I don’t think I succeeded. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I had to look away before they spilled over. I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want him to know how much he’s broken me.

After he left, I went back to my room and cried. I cried for the love that I’ll never have, for the happiness that will never be mine. I cried for the poor gray pony who will always be alone, who will never be seen.

I know it’s pathetic. I know I should be stronger than this. But I can’t help it. I can’t stop the tears from falling, can’t stop the pain from tearing me apart. It’s like a storm raging inside me, and I don’t know how to calm it.

I thought about talking to Maud, but what would I say? How could I put all this pain into words? She’s the only one who understands me, but even she can’t take this hurt away. No one can. This is something I have to face on my own, no matter how much it hurts.

I don’t know how to move on from this. I don’t know how to let go of these feelings, how to stop loving someone who will never love me back. But I have to try. For my own sake. For my own sanity.

Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to be happy again. Maybe one day, I’ll find a way to let go of this pain. But for now, all I can do is take it one day at a time. One step at a time.

Thank you for listening, Diary.

Goodnight.

Marble Pie

December 29

Dear Diary,

I thought today might be different, that maybe I could find some small glimmer of hope to hold onto. But it’s the same. It’s always the same. The emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling that I’m drowning in this never-ending sea of despair.

It’s worse when I see my sisters. Maud and Pinkie. They have everything I don’t, everything I’ll never have. Maud has Mudbriar, and Pinkie has her friends and her energy. They’re happy. They’re loved. And I’m... not.

Maud and Mudbriar are so perfect together. I envy her with a passion that makes me feel like I’m going to explode. She’s always been the strong one, the steady one. She doesn’t let anything get to her. And now she has someone who sees her, who loves her for exactly who she is. They’re so in sync, so connected. It’s like they speak their own language, one that I’ll never understand.

I watch them together and I feel this burning jealousy inside me. Why does she get to be happy? Why does she get to have someone who loves her unconditionally, while I’m left with nothing? It’s not fair. It’s never been fair.

And Pinkie. By Celestia, Pinkie. She’s everything I’m not. She’s bright, bubbly, and everypony loves her. She walks into a room and it lights up. She has this way of making everypony feel special, like they’re the most important pony in the world. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be more like her.

But I’m not. I’m just Marble. The quiet one. The shy one. The one who fades into the background while her sisters shine. It’s like I’m defective, like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Why can’t I be more like them? Why can’t I be happy and loved like they are?

I feel like such a failure, like I’ll never measure up to them. I see them with their friends, their significant others, and it’s like a knife in my soul. I’m the odd one out, the one who doesn’t belong. Even in my own family, I feel like a stranger, like an outsider looking in.

I try to be happy for them. I really do. But it’s so hard when their happiness only highlights my own misery. When their joy makes my loneliness even more unbearable. I feel like I’m suffocating, like I’m trapped in this dark, endless void with no way out.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I don’t know how to keep pretending that everything is okay when it’s not. When it never will be. I’m so tired, Diary. So, so tired. Tired of being the one who is always overlooked, always forgotten. Tired of being the defective pony in a family of shining gems.

Any sort of happiness feels impossible.

Thank you for listening, Diary. Even though you’ll never be a living, breathing pony, you’re the only one who understands.

Goodnight.

Marble Pie

December 31

Dear Diary,

It’s the last day of the year, yaaay (jk not really) and I feel like nothing has changed. I’m still the same broken, lonely pony I’ve always been. I thought maybe things would get better, that I’d find a way to be happy. But it’s just wishful thinking. Nothing ever changes.

Maud and Mudbriar are planning something special for tonight. Probably like a date night for the holiday. A way to welcome the new year together. They’re so wrapped up in each other, so perfectly in tune. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand seeing them so happy when I’m so miserable. It’s like a constant reminder of everything I’ll never have.

And Pinkie... She’s throwing a huge party, of course. She just loooooves the New Years’ festivities. She invited me, but I can’t go. I can’t be around all those ponies, pretending to be happy when I’m not. It’s too much. I’d rather stay here, alone, in the darkness where I belong.

I tried to talk to Maud about how I’m feeling, but the words... How do you explain to your sister that you envy her so much it’s tearing you apart? How do you tell her that her happiness makes you feel like you’re drowning in your own misery? I couldn’t do it. I just stood there, feeling more alone than ever.

I feel like my soul was broken up into a million tiny shards by life a long, long time ago; I get now that there really is something fundamentally wrong with me. Why can’t I be more like Maud, more steady and strong? Why can’t I be more like Pinkie, more vibrant and loved? It’s not fair. It’s never been fair. Story of my life, I guess.

Farewell.

Marble Pie