Trixie Goes Ballistic

by BifauxnenStroganoff

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Yona, Trixie, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Sandbar
Length: 3303

Great and Powerful pony polls populace of Ponyville's opinion on particular point; does not prefer presumptions procured.

The Great and Powerful Trixie is suddenly struck with a burning curiosity: If Twilight Sparkle could shoot any one creature with a gun, who would she pick? When she doesn't like how Starlight answers, she decides to make it everyone else's problem.

A submission to the Dialogue Only Contest.
No ponies were (physically) harmed in the production of this fic.

Published 2024-06-14 05:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-14 05:10:00 UTC

-or- Lead-ing Questions

“Hey, Starlight?”

“Mmm?”

“If Twilight had a gun, and she could only shoot one creature, who do you think she would pick?”

“…A what?”

“If Twilight had a gun, and she could only shoot one-“

“No no, I heard what you said, I- what’s a gun?”

“Really, Starlight, feigning ignorance is very much not your style. Stick to the jokes you’re good at.”

“I’m not feigning ignorance, Trix, I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Tsk. Okay, so imagine a cannon, only instead of being big enough to fire ponies or several thousand pieces of confetti out of, it’s teeny and tiny, small enough you can hold it in your hoof or claw or what have you, and it’s made to fire tiny pieces of metal called ‘bullets’.”

“To what end?”

“Hurting or killing other creatures, usually, though sometimes just for fun, like to show off how good your aim is or explode pumpkins.”

“How does that even work? Are they spring-loaded?”

“Not important. Who do you think Twilight would shoot with a gun?”

“Why would Twi even do that?”

“Trixie fails to see how that’s relevant either. Focus, Starlight, it really isn’t a complicated question.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard time getting past the basic premise here. I mean, have all attempts to befriend this particular creature failed? Are the rest of our friends incapacitated for some reason, so we can’t just turn them to stone or blast the evil out of them? Why can’t Twi use her magic to incapacitate them until everypony else is back in action? And why are you asking about only one creature, I mean-“

“Look, Starlight, best friend, love of Trixie’s life, my glimmering compass in the darkness that is the world: you’re overthinking this. I’m not asking you to dream up some hypothetical future villain that Twilight would absolutely have to resort to murder or at the very least grievous bodily harm to defeat. I’m asking, out of anyone you can think of, friend, foe, near-perfect stranger who cut her off in line at the farmer’s market and she’s been sore about it ever since: Who do you think Princess Twilight Sparkle would shoot if she had a gun and only one bullet?”

“Agh, the- I don’t know, you, I guess?”

“WHAT!?”

“You asked!”

“Trixie is incensed! Outraged! Indignant, even! To think you, Starlight Glimmer, would suggest that Twilight Sparkle would use a firearm on the Greatest and Most Powerfulest member of her social circle, out of all the creatures in Equestria, wasting her one and only bullet! Oh!”

“Well, I mean- okay, she doesn’t like anycreature messing with the statue of Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow, right? So she definitely wouldn’t do it herself, there’s no way she’d shoot any of her marefriends even if, from how you describe it, Rainbow Dash would probably think getting shot was ‘awesome’, and maybe Pinkie would just think it kinda tickled? I mean, I’m really not sure she even can be harmed ever since her brief stint with Discord’s powers, not that many things could phase her before- sorry, I’m getting off track.

“The way I see it, Twilight has very few vindictive bones in her body, and I struggle to think of anypony else she has any real ill-will towards these days. Honestly, the only creature I know of that’s managed to stay under her skin for as long as you somehow have is- well, you.”

“…I’m getting a second opinion.”

“Wh- oh, no, come on, Trix- come back, don’t- Ugggghhhhh…”

“Fluttershy, perfect! I have a very important question for you.”

“Oh! Good afternoon Trixie, what did you need?”

“Wonderful. First of all, do you know what a gun is?”

“Um. No. Should I?”

“No, Trixie expected that from you. Imagine a teeny and tiny cannon that shoots even teenier and tinier bits of metal called ‘bullets’, primarily intended for the purposes of harming or killing other creatures, but occasionally used for more recreational purposes as well.”

“O…kay…”

“Now, imagine that Twilight Sparkle has procured such a device, and for one reason or another she only has one bullet for it.”

“Right…”

“Who do you think Twilight would shoot, given that she only has one bullet and can therefore only shoot one creature?”

“Ah… just to make sure I understand, when you say ‘shoot’, you mean…?”

“Discharge the bullet from the gun with the intent to harm or kill another living creature, yes.”

“O-oh dear. That doesn’t seem like a very nice thing to do…”

“It generally isn’t, no.”

“Why would Twilight want to do that?”

“Not important!”

“Trixie! There… You… Oh gosh, just… Gimme a sec… to… I always forget… how fast you are… When you really book it.”

“You could have simply teleported after me.”

“…Mmmmmmrrrrggghhhhfffff…”

“But no matter, Starlight, you’ve arrived just in time! Fluttershy was just about to give Trixie the answer to her quandary.”

“Actually, I don’t know that I’m really comfortable with this question.”

“That’s perfectly alright, Flutters, you absolutely do not have to answer it.”

“Well no, of course she doesn’t have to, but it would be rather rude to just ignore my question like that.”

“I’m… not going to.”

“Not going to what, Professor Fluttershy?”

“Oh no.”

“Sandbar, Yona, perfect timing! Your favorite school counselor has a matter of utmost importance she would like your input on.”

“Trixie…”

“What Great and Powerful School Counselor need?”

“Do not do this.”

“Suppose Princess Twilight had a gun-”

“A what?”

“Trixie! This is not an appropriate question to be asking our students!”

“Imagine a cannon that’s teeny and tiny, so instead of firing confetti or ponies-“

“Oh, so, like a party cannon for breezies?”

“Oh Sweet Celestia.”

“No, it fires metal-“

“Whoaaa, metal music out of a cannon-shaped speaker? That sounds rad!”

“No, it-“

“Kinda like Vinyl’s dubstep gun…”

“Wait, so you do know what a gun is!”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t be here for this.”

“Yeah, good call, we should try to keep the number of liable parties to a minimum. You go on ahead Flutters, I’ll… try to do some damage control… Hoo boy…”

“You… you just said it.”

“Said what?”

“Gun. You said the word gun.”

“Uh-huh…”

“In reference to a device Vinyl Scratch uses to fire dubstep in a manner similar to a cannon.”

“Right…”

“So clearly you are familiar with the concept of a gun.”

“You lost me.”

“Okay. Imagine instead of wubs, Vinyl Scratch’s dubstep gun was firing small bits of metal meant to hurt other living creatures.”

“Wait, like, money?”

“No no, not bits- okay that one’s on Trixie, actually. Pieces. Tiny pieces of metal.”

“Well that’s just ridiculous. Everypo- er... everycreature knows that cannons only shoot confetti or ponies! Or sometimes cake batter."

“Actually, yaks have cannon that fire large stones.”

“Oh thank goodness, now we’re getting somewhere!”

“Yona not know the little kind called that, though. Yona saw Scootaloo with gun just other day.”

“Ah, wait, what?”

“Mhm. Cutie Mark Crusaders were playing with it near clubhouse, shooting apples.”

“Well, at least I know who to ask next if I can’t get an answer out of this conversation…”

“Ahahaha, that’s so funny, say, Yona? You wouldn’t happen to know where Scootaloo is right now, would you? No particular reason, I just have a sudden urgent feeling that I should confiscate that from her is all.”

“Why Headmare Starlight need to confiscate Scootaloo’s gun? Lots of young ponies play with guns in Ponyville.”

“Whoa, what? First I’m hearing of this, should I be concerned?”

“…Yona, could you do me a favor?”

“Yes?”

“Describe a gun, for me? What exactly does one look like?”

“Oh, that easy. Is funny shaped stick with elastic in middle.”

“Oh, don’t tell me-“

“Yona, by any chance do the Yakyakistani cannons you mentioned have a wheel on the side and sort of a spoon shaped bit where the rock sits before you launch it?”

“Yes! You know them?”

“Ohhhkay. Haha, phew! For a second there I was really worried.”

“Yona, ponies actually have those too. That’s called a catapult.”

“Ohhhhhhh. Yona always getting words for those mixed up with cannons in Ponish. Trebuchets too. Your language very poorly designed.”

“Are you telling me that neither of you are actually familiar with guns, and that I am in fact still at square one in terms of trying to explain this to you?”

“I guess so?”

“Ugh! Forget it, I’m just going to find Rainbow Dash.”

“Wait! Counselor Trixie! You didn’t even tell us what your question was!”

“Honestly for the best. Okay, be good you two, see you at school on Monday!”

“Did I take the playing dumb a little too far?”

“Eh, Great and Powerful School Counselor tough. She be fine.”

“…You really think Ponish is a messy language?”

“Yona know five and half languages. Ponish dumbest one by far.”

“-and at this point, Spitfire is covered head-to-hoof in marshmallow gunk, Fleetfoot is straight-up unconscious, and Surprise’s allergies choose just then to start acting up, so even half a barrel of cider in I’m somehow the most capable pony in the room.”

“Yeah-huh.”

“So of COURSE that’s when the cadets decide to knock on the door, only instead of knocking and then WAITING FOR A REPLY like you’re SUPPOSED TO they do that thing where they knock and then just barge right in anyway-“

“Mmmhm.”

“-and I mean, yeah, the looks on their faces were PRICELESS, almost enough to make the whole thing worth it, but Spitfire clearly doesn’t think so because her face just turns SUPER red, like, immediately, and she starts doing the drill sergeant voice-“

“Uhhhhh-huh.”

“-but even though these greenies are as green as it gets the way she can’t move ‘cause of the marshmallow makes it hard for them to take her seriously, so they start making like that one scene from Monty Dragon where they’re trying so hard not to laugh, and honestly me and Surprise are right there with ‘em, but-“

“RAINBOW DASH! Oh, and Applejack too, hello, always nice to see you. TRIXIE NEEDS TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.”

“Oh thank Celestia, I- HOLY FUJI! You okay there Trixie? You look a bit… outta sorts.”

“Trixie is fine, thank you for asking. S-“

“Your dishevelment wouldn’t happen to have anythin’ to do with your question, would it?”

“Really? Aren’t we past the point of immediate suspicion in our friendship?”

“We might be if Starlight weren’t galloping down the road after you.”

“If it was really that urgent she could teleport.”

“Ah, sure, fair point.”

“Okay, what is your question then?”

“Do either of you know what a gun is?”

“Nope.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“It’s a type of weapon akin to a miniaturized cannon, designed to fire pieces of metal at high velocities.”

“Killer.”

“Yes, that’s generally the idea behind a weapon.”

“No, I mean like-“

“Trixie…! You- oh dang it… I could’ve teleported…”

“So… kinda like a hoof crossbow, then?”

“-ugh, nevermind…”

“No, not exactly. The cannon comparison really is the most apt, the pieces of metal – bullets – are launched out of a tube, it’s not as… open as a crossbow.”

“Does this part really matter?”

“Sorry, I’m just havin’ a bit o’ trouble picturin’ it is all.”

“Same.”

“I mean, cannons are that size for a reason, right? How’s the process get miniaturized?”

“The bullets are packed with a more potent form of the combustible powder used in certain types of cannons and fireworks which, when ignited, propels them down the tube.”

“You told me how it worked wasn’t important!”

“And it wasn’t. But now it is.”

“So… it explodes when you shoot it? That seems-”

“Totally awesome!”

“-Impractical, Dash, is what I was gonna say. Impractical.”

“Well, it doesn’t really explode exactly, it stays intact after you fire it-“

“But how would somethin’ that small maintain its structural integrity after the powder reaction?”

“Look, it just does, that’s not important! What matters here is: who would Twilight shoot if she had a gun?”

“Ooh, good question…”

“Why’s Twi shootin’ somepony?”

“Not important.”

‘I wonder what getting shot feels like…?”

“I’m not sure that’s something you want to find out, Rainbow Dash.”

“Pssh, sure I don’t.”

“I dunno, I think it's at least a little important. It makes it easier to decide who she’s hurtin’, y’know?”

“Hm. Trixie supposes you have a point… but no matter! Just invent whatever reason you like for her to use her one bullet on whomever.”

“She only has one bullet?”

“One. Uno. いち. Ein. หนึ่ง. Один. 1.”

“How did you say it like that, dude…?”

“Not. Important. Who. Would Twilight Sparkle. Shoot.”

“Hmm…”

“Probably Cozy Glow.

“A- uh- Wh- Rainbow Dash!”

“What?! She was like, our ultimate enemy, wasn’t she?”

“First of all, she was one of three ultimate enemies, and I don’t know HOW you seem to be forgettin’ Tirek and Chrysalis, and secondly – Cozy Glow may’ve been a piece a’ work, but she was still just a lil’ filly! Twi ain’t gonna shoot a kid!”

“I mean, I probably would…"

“Dash!”

“Dash!”

“Kidding! Kidding. Jeeze, lighten up, you’ll live longer.”

“You know as well as I she’s got plans to try’n’ reform them one by one eventually.”

“Ugh, fine, I guess you’re right… Okay, changing my answer: I think she’d shoot Trixie.”

“Excuse you?!?”

“Hm. Y’know, you might actually have a point there…”

“WHAT?!?”

“I mean, I know you two are on way better terms now than you used to be but-“

“-that ain’t a high bar to clear.”

“Yeah, exactly. You definitely haven’t patched things up as well as anyone else who used to be on her bad side – which, I mean, pretty short list – soooo…”

“Eyup, yup, process of elimination ‘n’ all that. There just ain’t any other likely candidates.”

“Wh- bu- but what about…”

“Trix, I think maybe we should just forget about this whole thing and relax a bit. Maybe go home and mix up some nice, soothing tea? Or cocoa?”

“Why are you so worked up about this in the first place? What even brought this up?”

“Trixie had an idle thought and was foolish enough to ask a certain somepony about it only to be betrayed and insulted. In much the same way as two other someponies have done just now.”

“Jeeze, I’m sorry, alright? If I’d known you’d go storming off around Ponyville asking anycreature and everycreature-“

“Yeesh.”

“-I’d have just said The Storm King or something.”

“THE STORM KING?! THAT ONE-DIMENSIONAL LOSER OVER TRIXIE?!”

“I think ya just made it worse, Starlight.”

“Now you’re upset that I’m saying Twilight wouldn’t shoot you?!”

“Well yes, if I’m losing out to some stupid primate who had to have Tempest do all his dirty work for him!”

“Need I remind you that Tempest wiped the floor with me? One of the strongest unicorns ever?”

“That’s beside the point and you know it!”

“Well, hey, look at it this way: The Storm King’s already preeeetty well taken care of. I still think Twi’d shoot you.”

“…Trixie is getting a third opinion.”

“Aaaaand there she goes again. Well, girls, lovely to see you, we really should make time to catch up soon, have a spa day, ideally sometime Trixie isn’t having a meltdown, but for now I should probably go make sure she doesn’t… euuhh.”

“-so I FINALLY catch up to the Wonderbolt cadets, which, wowie zowie they really earned their place there, they were so fast! And I see them all jimmy-jammed into the doorway staring at something and I hear Spitfire doing her super-serious-gruff-and-tuff-drill-sergeant voice, but when I get to the door myself and finally see her, you know what was going on?”

“what.”

“She was covered in marshmallow! And she just looked so silly, I mean, who doesn’t know marshmallow is for eating and not bathing, so I just burst out laughing because how could I not, did I mention how silly she looked? And that sets all the other ponies giggling and guffawing and just generally having a grand ol’ gahoot, and boy oh boy Spitfire did not care for that, let me tell you!”

“tell me.”

“It proooobably didn’t help that Dashie and Surprise were both there too, ‘undermining her authority’ by laughing along with the rest of us, but- oh hi Trixie – and, yannow, sometimes it’s actually pretty nice to be reminded of just how different different shades of red can be, even if it’s because somepony’s face goes through a bunch of ‘em reaaaal quick.”

“i think trixie has a question she wants to ask us.”

“Yes, thank you Maud, astute as ever.”

“Okie dokie! What’s on your mind, Trixie-Pixie?”

“Aha! I remembered to teleport this time! …That really shouldn’t be one of the high points of my day…”

“Okay, first of all: I need you to imagine a miniature cannon-“

“Oh, like a gun?”

“Oh, FINALLY, somepony in this town who knows what a gun is!”

“…Hey, hold on actually. Trix, how do you know about guns?”

“UGH! Not important, Starlight! Stop getting distracted!”

“I’m being punished for something today. I must be.”

“Suppose Twilight Sparkle had in her possession a gun with one single bullet, therefore being capable of shooting exactly one creature-”

“Wish I knew what for, at least…”

“Don’t worry about how she got the gun, or why she’s shooting somecreature instead of using any of the other means of conflict resolution at her disposal, or whether the creature in question is a current or former presence in the world-”

“Maybe it’s because of when I accidentally teleported myself and the delegate from Saddle Arabia into that shark tank last week…”

“Who do you think Twilight would use her one bullet to shoot?”

“what’s the bullet made out of.”

“Oh for- lead. It is just a standard lead bullet with no particular magical or otherwise extraordinary properties. Regular old bullet.”

“Hmmm… I think she should shoot me!”

“Wh- beg pardon?”

“Well, yeah, because I’d be toootally fine after! I would know, I’ve been shot before.”

“When…?”

“Not important! What is important is that physical injuries don’t really stick to me like they used to since the thing with Discord-Grogar’s bell. This way, she doesn’t have to hurt anypony! I wouldn’t want my Twily to have that on her conscience.”

“But that completely defeats the purpose of the exercise! You can’t just- RRRRRGH!”

“would you like to know who i think she’d shoot.”

“Sure, Maud. What’s your take?”

“i think she’d shoot you.”

“Uh oh.”

“…You know what? I’m just going to get it straight from the horse’s mouth!”

“Wh- Trixie! Trixie! Trixie, stop!”

“Bye Trixie! Hope you like Twi’s answer better!”

“Moving to the next item on the docket-“

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”

“BWAH! …Oh, Trixie, it’s just you.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has a question for you.”

“Uh… can it wait? I’m kind of in the middle of a meeting right-“

“It is important. And it shall be brief.”

“Well- sure, okay. Take five, everypony, we’ll reconvene shortly.”

“Twilight! Oh thank Celestia I’m not too late, listen- don’t engage Trixie on this. Please. Just don’t answer. In fact, don’t even let her ask.”

“Oh, nonsense, Starlight! I can spare a little time for my friends. Besides, we’ve already adjourned, so…”

“Who would you shoot if you had a gun and could only shoot one creature?”

“Ooh, now that’s a unique intellectual exercise. Hm…”

“You don’t have to do this. We can still- mmph! Mmphie, mmmph!”

“Mmmm… you know? No offense, Trixie, but I’d probably shoot you.”

“…”

“Pfeh! …Uh, Trix?”

“…”

“Trixie? Are… you okay?”

“…rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH-“

Author's Note

I feel the need to clarify that Maud's lack of capitalization or proper punctuation was an intentional stylistic choice.