A Time Lady and a brigadier each walk into a room, one out of an office the other towards.

"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH YOU RI-"

They both stopped, realizing they said the same thing at the same time.

"Well," Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart began, "ladies first."

"Miss Nevermore" sneered. "Such a gentleman," she said with all the sarcasm a woman was allowed in 1970 and then some. "Well, to put it bluntly, your values of 'compassion' and 'empathy' have led to me getting into trouble with my... Well, now former employers."

"Is that so, Miss Nevermore?"

"As a matter of fact, I have been exiled to your measly little rock."

"Oh?"

"Well, as it turns out, humanity wasn't supposed to coexist with the Silurians... Well, ever, quite frankly, but especially not in 1970."

"And what gives your former 'employers' the right to judge what humanity can and cannot do?"

"Nothing, Brigadier, but my people are LORDS of TIME. What I've essentially done was throw a wrench into the whole of history. A new species pops up, changing the entirety of Earth's political history, and therefore its entire impact on the universe at large. Now they essentially have to relearn the entirety of the history of our universe after my interference. Thus, they have intercepted my TARDIS and exiled me to Earth. I was fortunate enough I was able to convince them that I had no idea what Earth history entailed. Speaking truthfully, if I did, I would have found another way out of that whole mess. And now, due to it being so impactful, it's a fixed point in time."

"I beg pardon?"

"Miss Nevermore" facepalmed. "Yes, right, I'm talking to a human. Alright, what would you say is the most impactful incident in your planet's recent history?"

The Brigadier paused for a moment. "Possibly the assassination of Frans Duke Ferdinand. Can't get much more impactful than causing two world wars, now can you?"

"Well, you definitely can, but that's besides the point. The actual point is that, if you were to time travel, you couldn't stop it. Why? Because you already knew it happened. If you managed to prevent it, it would have made it to where you wouldn't have known it happened, and therefore didn't try to stop it. And of course, if you didn't stop it, the event still happens, which means you do go back to change it, which means you don't, which means you do. Essentially, you create a paradox large enough to cause time to... Let's say malfunction. This could result in things such as time attempting to fix itself and causing horrible monsters to appear and eat away at the discrepancies, which includes living beings. In the worst case scenario, all of time could collapse in on itself, resulting in all of history happening all at once. Dinosaurs interrupt the founding of nations, television interviews are being conducted with Edgar Allan Poe, and the universe begins and ends at the same time."

The Brigadier nodded. "I see, so impossible to reverse, then?"

"And I doubt you would want to, what with all the technological progress you'll be able to make with the help of your new friends, so even if I could you would try and stop me."

"Quite right, I'm afraid. Well, is it really so bad? Being on Earth, knowing you allowed it to advance to further heights?"

"Yes! This entire planet is just so... Primitive! If there were a medical emergency and I couldn't get to my TARDIS in time, I could regenerate outside of my zero room, and that would be disastrous!"

The Brigadier frowned. "That does seem troubling. We could find a way to bring your TARDIS along with us on missions?"

"Miss Nevermore" hesitated. "I suppose that works, but even then I still have to deal with you and the other lousy humans and Silurians you keep under your employ."

"Ah, so I suppose I can dismiss Miss Shaw then, hm?" He smiled. "If this planet is truly such a burden for you, then surely having one less 'lousy human' to bother you would greatly improve your mood? After all, she was the one to convince you to not simply wipe out our new reptilian friends, which is what got you in trouble in the first place."

"... Is that supposed to be a threat?"

"No, of course not, 'Miss Nevermore.' It is an option. All you have to do is say the word, and I can ensure you'll have the peace and quiet you need on such a primitive planet as ours."

"... So what was your issue with me, then? It wouldn't have anything to do with those Martian ambassadors, now would it?"

Well, the Brigadier thought to himself, that's a good sign, at the least. "Yes, I do believe so. You nearly caused an international incident."

"Oh, come now, Brigadier, I solved the crisis of diplomacy between Earth and Mars, yes?"

"You killed a General! I had to do everything in my power to get my superiors to understand the situation!"

"He tried to start a war, and if unchecked he would have succeeded! He was the one trying to turn your cold war hot."

"Well you certainly didn't cool it down! On top of that, you almost made the whole matter public, which would have been a disaster for our entire organization!"

"I fail to see the problem with that."

"Well, if you start giving out the secrets of a government organization willy-nilly, not only will the public wonder what else we've been keeping from them, but British intelligence will immediately be bombarded by the spies of all our enemies." He snapped his fingers in realization. "That could heavily affect the outcome of the war and, therefore, the course of history. Now, would I be correct in saying you don't want more reasons for these 'Time Lords' to be upset at you?"

"... Yes, you would be. I would rather not use up one of my regenerations for something so trivial. I'll do my best to be more careful next time."

"Well, I'm glad I at least got that point across, 'Miss Nevermore.'"

"...The Raven."

"Pardon?"

"Miss Nevermore was an alias."

"I would be shocked if it wasn't."

The Raven decided to ignore that. "My actual name and title is simply the Raven."

"'The' Raven?"

"Correct. It's a part of Time Lord tradition. Typically you adopt a title and that becomes your new name. Mine was the Raven."

"I see. Considering I've met the Doctor I shouldn't be too surprised. Still, 'the Raven'? It sounds like a comic book character."

"As in superheroes? I suppose it does. I might as well lean into that just slightly. I'm planning on getting one of your 'caws' or 'automobiles' or whatever they're called. Perhaps I should name it. I'll be sure to ask Elizabeth for some advice."

"Ah, so you and Miss Shaw are on a first name basis then?"

"Shut it."

Briiiiiiiiiing!

Suddenly, the phone began to ring from the Brigadier's office. The Raven smiled. "I suppose I'll let you get that. I'm going to check in with the drilling project you're fuddling around with." She began to walk out.

"Say hello to Liz for me," the Brigadier teased. "I'm sure you're well aware that she's working on that project!"

He wasn't really sure if the Raven heard him. Regardless, he went into his office, picking up the phone... To find the ringing continued. He rolled his eyes and he reached for what would be a normal, unassuming banana if not for the sound and vibration it was giving up. I hope to God I never get used to that, he thought to himself.

"Now listen here," said the Brigadier, "I do hope you understand, Mr. Balor, that I look utterly ridiculous holding a banana up to my face."

A voice, that of "Mr. Balor," spoke in his mind. "Well Alistair, my friend, that is exactly why I did it, so I hope I understand too."

The Brigadier sighed. "Right, well, I suppose you want something of a progress report?"

"That would be most delightful," the voice said with a giddy excitement. "Any news on our feathered friend?"

"Quite a bit, actually. I think I have substantial evidence that she cares for Miss Shaw now, just as you wanted." Confetti appeared in the room from nowhere covering the entire office, and the Brigadier was already formulating a cover story about a prank from some old college chums.

"Splendid! I knew she would get along with Lizzy! How do you know for certain?"

"Well, I simply said she could have Miss Shaw sent away if she really thought humans were so horrid. She simply dodged it, which I believe is a good sign. Besides that, she's already on a first name basis with Miss Shaw. When I pointed that out, she simply told me to shut it."

"Mr. Balor" gasped in surprise. It was quite... Odd to hear someone else gasp in your mind. "Well, it's working better than I thought!"

"How so, Mr. Balor?"

"You're still alive, for one thing."

The Brigadier froze. He had forgotten who he was dealing with. "Right, well, damn fool of me to try that without any indication."

"I think the knowledge that we're seeing results is all that matters, truly. This is great news! You know, I used to be a completely apathetic being until I met my first friend."

"Your first?"

"Yes! She is such a lovely thing! I'm going to go on a trip with her later this week for a diplomatic mission! But yes, when I first heard about our feathered friend coming to your place, I looked into her past and realized... She really didn't have a friend like I did! Well, she had people who used her, but..." The voice stopped for a moment. "I had one of those, too. I really empathized with her, which in and of itself shows how far I've come. So obviously she needed a friend, and why not line her up with one of your best and brightest?"

The Brigadier nodded. "Yes, I think I have a better understanding of your motive now."

"I just told you my motive! Sheesh, who writes this schlock?"

Somewhere in the multiverse, a system sneezed.

"Anyways," the voice continued. "Keep up the good work! Ooh! Be sure to give our feathered friend Lizzy's number so they can talk off the clock! Ta-ta for now!"

And with that, the banana was a banana again, albeit one that magically didn't rot. The Brigadier sighed, relieved that today he would finally be able to relax and-

Briiiiiiiiiing!

He groaned, composing himself before answering. "Hello?"

"BRIGADIER! MICHEAL JUST BECAME A BLOODY WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING!"

Just another looooooooong day at UNIT, it seemed.

Author's Note

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