“Applejack, I’m gonna fuck your apples.”

“Applejack, I’m gonna fuck your apples.”

“Trixie, you can’t fuck my apples.”

“Why not? Who is there to revoke consent for them, or to refuse them the forbidden pleasures of the flesh? My flesh?”

“... I am, Trixie. They’re my apples—well, my family’s apples, but also my apples by proxy—and I say you can’t fuck my apples. They’re the most valuable real estate on this here real estate and if you get your Trixie juices on my apples ain’t no one’s gonna want them.”

“Says you! The Great and Powerful Trixie has Great and Powerful juices that any stallion or mare would be lucky to lay tongue on! You can quiz any one of my previous lovers concerning that query.”

“The only one of your possible lovers I know of is Starlight, and I’m not going to ask Starlight concerning the quality of your juices for consumption. Ponies don’t want that kind of material on their apples… or in their cider… or in their jam. There’s a time and place for that sort of activity, but it ain’t at point of sale!”

“... says you! You could corner an entire new market of Sexy Apples with the Great and Powerful Trixie drizzled upon their countenance! Their flavor would be absolutely—”

“—kind of tart, probably.”

“Who told you? I’ll strangle the son-of-a-starfall that exposed that knowledge to you!”

“Trixie, you ain’t the only pony here playing for the other team, you know. I know what it tastes like, and I ain’t gonna sell what you would call Sexy Apples.”

“What you need is some sort of third party to perform some kind of taste test between regular apples and Sexy Apples to behold the wonders of Trixie’s Great and Powerful—”

“I know where that road leads and I swore I would never tread down that wretched path again. I’d end up on some kind of list this time.”

“... what pray you mean, this time?”

“Well, it ain’t much of a story t’be’honest…”

“Spill. Trixie needs to hear this story now.”

“Well, uh, all I can legally say is that it involved a donkey, a barrel of fish, and Coloratura. But we was young, so we got off with a warning.”

“Oooh, spicy! I’ll have to pry the rest of it out of you over some cider. Or better yet, some Sexy Cider!”

“Trixie, I can’t let you do that to my cider. And I’ll explain why… with the help of Starlight! Hey Starlight!”

“Hey, Applejack!”

“Could you explain to Trixie why she can’t fuck my apples?”

“... excuse me?”

“I have the urgent need to have my way with Applejack’s delectable apples and she is refusing me!”

“... is that some kind of euphemistic way of asking for a threesome? I told you to talk to me before harassing ponies about that again, Trixie!”

“‘Tis no mere euphemistic fancy, dear! My current wish is to defile Applejack’s apples until they can feel cleanliness no more.”

“And she wants me to sell ‘em.”

“... And I wish for her to sell them.”

“Trixie! Do you want to end up on some kind of list like I almost did?”

“Eyebrow raised.”

“Yeah. Eyebrow raised here, too. What’d you do that could’ve gotten you onna list?”

“Well, it wasn’t much. It involved Sunburst, a barrel of wine, and a herd of cattle. We’re just lucky Sunburst’s mom knows ponies, so we kind of wiggled out of that one. Anyway, Trixie, you can’t fuck Applejack’s apples and sell them.”

“... noted. Although upon looking at the apples, the concern is that I can’t fuck your apples. What if I were to fuck my apples?”

“What’re you gettin’ at, Trixie?”

“Yes, what are you getting at?”

“Let’s say mayhaps I were to purchase a simple barrel or peck of your apples and have my way with my personal bundle, we could avoid any hint of impropriety concerning this matter.”

“Well, I suppose if they were your apples and not my apples, then we won’t have a problem.”

“Good problem solving, Trixie!”

“And then I put my fucked apples up for sale.”

“Trixie you cannot sell fucked apples in this here town.”

“Remember the list, Trixie?”

“Who says I can’t sell a fucked apple in Ponyville?”

“I do. You need a license to sell produce in Ponyville, and I ain’t issuing you a license to sell one of my fucked apples in Ponyville.”

“I thought they would be my apples at this point.”

“Yes, but everyone in Ponyville knows there’s only one place you get apples from, and it’s here. If you sold a fucked apple, that would affect my business and my family needs these apples to survive.”

“... what if I forgot to mention they were fucked?”

“Trixie, you know that’s a health code violation. Remember the cactus thing in Saddle Arabia?”

“Yes, Starlight, I remember the cactus thing in Saddle Arabia.”

“.. .what’s th’cactus thing in Saddle Arabia?”

“Oh, you know, just a silly little misunderstanding involving a cactus, a marmoset, and a very angry minotaur.”

“And then we had to talk down the minotaur from pulling you inside out like a towel.”

“... Trixie remembers that.”

“So, are we clear? You can buy some of my apples to do whatever you want with—”

“Fuck them.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever? Fuck them, but no resale of fucked apples.”

“Promise, Trixie.”

“Fine. Applejack, I promise to not resale any apples that Starlight or I may have fucked.”

“Don’t drag me into this!”

“Oh, I know you want to be dragged into this.”

“Whatever who is dragging what into, please take it off of my property. Here are your apples, now do what you will with them.”

“And here is the money. Good day to you, Applejack.”

“Sure. Bye, Starlight.”

“Bye, Applejack.”

“Why don’t I get a proper farewell?”

“Do I gotta?”

“Applejack, please, you know I won’t hear the end of it if you don’t pretend to treat her with respect.”

“After she came onto my farm demanding to fuck my apples?”

“Hrmph. I see how it is.”

“Just say goodbye, Applejack.”

“Goodbye, Trixie.”

“And good day to you.”

“Thanks, Applejack.”

“Sure, whatever—do that inside, you hooligan! Not in my yard!