Things Rainbow Dash Doesn't Likeby PresentPerfectChaptersTouchSharePonySadTwentyBestEpilogueTouchTouch Derpy Hooves and a tan and brown stallion galloped for their lives through the dark, twisting paths of the Everfree Forest. "Have we lost them?" he shouted back to her. "Not yet, keep running!" Behind them, a dozen beasts lurched and tumbled forward in a swarm, pursuing them tirelessly. What they lacked in grace they more than made up for in power and stamina. Each was vaguely pony-shaped, its outer surface haphazardly pocked and mottled in festering shades of red, pink and purple. Oversized veins and other protuberances marred their forms. They lacked eyes, nose, and mouth, each instead having a large black hole in its head, the position of which varied from creature to creature. From this orifice, they emitted a constant low moan, a dirge that pulsed and resounded like a chant. "What are those things?" cried the stallion, fearfully looking backward and nearly tripping over a raised root. "I thought you knew, Doctor!" Derpy replied. "They're Oonkla, from the planet Creepoe! And if they touch you, you'll be turned to stone and disappear forever!" The warped chanting increased in volume as more of the horrid abominations joined the chase. It seemed like the rhythmic sounds were beginning to form words, as if each monster were repeating one set of sounds just slightly out of sync with the rest. The ponies hadn't much time to think about it, though, as their path suddenly terminated at a stone wall. The cliff reached up above them, past the treetops, its summit hidden by dense fog. The sound of the Oonklas' chanting crept into their minds like a nail under skin, setting their psyches on edge as they put their backs to the wall, awaiting the inevitable. "Doctor," Derpy whispered, "shouldn't you be getting out your sonic screwdriver?" "I haven't got one!" Sweat poured down the stallion's face. "All my screwdrivers are at home, and anyway, they're all the normal sort!" "Oh dear!" Derpy pranced on her hooves as the Oonkla herd pressed in, taking their time in confronting the pair, their haunting, unintelligible chant never ceasing. "I wish the Tardis were nearby!" The stallion suddenly forgot all his fear and turned to Derpy with a look of annoyance. "What in blue blazes do you keep blabbering on about, you stupid mare?" He jabbed a hoof in the direction of the monsters shambling ever closer. "Have you noticed that there are alien things trying to kill us? What's a Tardis? And why do you keep calling me Doctor? My name is Time Turner, I make hourglasses, and I don't even have a Master's degree!" "Shh, Doctor," Derpy said, ignoring him. "Listen!" The chanting of the creatures was indeed beginning to form words. As they turned their attentions towards it, the terrible noise became clearer and clearer. Oonkla... Doonkla... Doonkity-doo... Turn you to stone, and then we'll eat you... "If they turn ponies to stone, how can anyone possibly know that they disappear afterward?" Time Turner muttered, shutting his eyes tight against the inevitability of a stony, dinnery demise. There was a shout, one might call it a war cry, and a crashing through the trees. Something bright and colorful flew in from the side and smashed into an Oonkla, knocking it over and taking two of its brethren with it. As they touched each other, they turned to stone and then disappeared. Forever. "Is that..." Derpy couldn't believe her one good eye. "It is! Rainbow Dash!" With a mighty roar, Rainbow Dash charged the herd again, delivering swift kicks and punches to the unearthly beings, who stammered and wailed, confused by the lightning-fast assault. Frantic, they began running into each other, and in less than a minute, all the Oonkla had been destroyed by their own dark powers. "Whoo-hoo!" cheered Derpy. "Go Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow alighted in the clearing and flexed her wings, shaking off the strain of battle. "How did you even know we needed saving?" the stallion asked. Rainbow Dash snorted. "I don't like when ponies touched Doctor Whooves," she said. "M-my name is Time Turner," Time Turner protested weakly. Then he thought better of it and fainted instead. ShareShare It had been a long day of studying for Twilight Sparkle, and while not hard work in the physical sense, that still meant lots of sitting on the floor reading. Her body was, in short, quite stiff and sore, as she tended not to move much while engrossed in a good read. A bath, she decided, would be the perfect way to relax and unwind. She was assured a quiet evening, at least, since Spike was out helping Rarity do Celestia knew what, and had planned to be gone for at least an entire day. The thought of him being out on his own did make her ever so slightly worried, for Rarity's sake if not for his. But if Rarity was going to lead on his little crush like that, well... She was a grown mare. It was something they would have to work out on their own. "Meanwhile," she said to herself, turning the hot water tap on full, "I have a date with Lavender Lift's Foaming Magic Bath Salts." She giggled, levitating the box over from the closet and pouring a generous helping of the scented crystals into the tub. Replacing the box in its dry spot, she went about the room gathering towels, a washcloth, and the bathmat, so that everything could be placed just so before she climbed into the tub. With a good hoof's length left before the water reached the top of the tub, she turned down the hot and turned on the cold, a practiced maneuver. A minute later, and her bath was prepared, with the perfect mix of temperatures to ensure the water would be nice and toasty, but not overly hot. The moment her hoof touched the water's surface, she let out a small moan of pleasure. It turned into a groan as the water embraced her and the warmth suffused her achy muscles. The scent of lilacs and dogwood suffused the air in the bathroom, drawing a contented sigh from her as she lowered herself slowly into the bubbles. Twilight leaned back against the tub, closed her eyes, and with a long exhalation, released all the tension that had built up in her body, letting her mind wander. Pinkie had said something recently about a party, an excuse to show off some new confection she'd devised. That would be something to look forward to. Thinking about Pinkie made Twilight think about music, and soon she was singing snatches of various tunes, just whatever she could bring to mind. "Hmm-hmm... Ponies, ponies..." She hummed a few notes, probably not from the same song. It didn't matter, though. It wasn't like there was anypony else around to hear her. "Ponies, ponies... "The time has come to... "Hmm, hmm, hmm..." Opening one eye, she levitated a washcloth over, along with a bottle of chamomile body wash. The music continued to burble out of her lips as she applied soap to cloth and began to scrub at her withers. "Ponies, ponies... The time has come to... Hmm-hmm... Shared our dreams..." Suddenly, there was a violent explosion from the other end of the tub. Hot water geysered out across the walls and floor, fragrantly soaking every surface of Twilight's bathroom. From out of the foamy depths a head emerged. Multicolored hair lay plastered to the face of a sky blue pony wearing goggles and a snorkel. "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight, perched precariously on the rim of her tub, shivered in the suddenly cool air of the bathroom. "What in the hay are you doing in my bathtub?" Rainbow Dash spat out the snorkel and glowered. "I don't like when ponies shared our dreams." As Twilight fought to keep her balance like a scared cat on a tree limb, Rainbow slowly sank back under the water, leaving behind a few ripples and a column of bubbles. PonyPony "Thank you ever so much for coming over today, Fluttershy," Rarity said as she held the door open for her friend. "With the spa being renovated, I have been simply beside myself with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon." "It's no problem, Rarity," Fluttershy assured her with a smile. "After all, we can still spend some time together, even if we're not getting hooficures or mud packs." "You're absolutely right, dear. Won't you have a seat?" Rarity's magic drew a large number of plates, saucers, cups and utensils into the living room. "I made some tea, if you've any interest." "Oh yes!" Fluttershy sat on the sofa, hooves in her lap, and smiled brightly, wings ruffling. "Tea sounds lovely." The tea set floated over, arranging itself ever so perfectly on the coffee table before them. The china shone pearlescent and white in the soft glow of afternoon. The intricate green vine patterns and light gold filigree marked it as imported from griffon lands. Had Rarity not inherited it from her late maternal grandmother, it would have cost her a small fortune to procure it. "One lump or two, dear?" "Oh!" Fluttershy shifted in her seat, having not been paying attention. "Two, please. I like my tea sweet." Rarity laughed softly. "Somehow, I'm not surprised." She deftly dropped two cubes of sugar into Fluttershy's tea, and one in her own. Fluttershy lifted the cup to her lips and blew gently. "Oh, this smells heavenly," she remarked. "Is it orange?" "Pekoe, yes." Rarity nodded. "With mint. I recently ordered it from Canterlot and have found it to be most relaxing." Fluttershy sipped daintily, to keep from burning her mouth. "It's lovely, Rarity." "Why, thank you, dear!" They sat in silence for some time, sipping their tea and smiling at one another when their eyes met. "I must say, Fluttershy," Rarity said at length, "here in my own home, I'm finding myself at a loss for words. Usually I'm not so reticent at the spa. I must apologize." "It's no problem, Rarity." Fluttershy gave her an extra-big smile to drive home the point. "But if you want to talk about something, that's all right, too." "Well, have you anything you'd like to talk about?" Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Um... No. Not really, that is." "Shall we do something then?" "Oh, yes, please!" Fluttershy nodded enthusiastically. "What did you have in mind?" It was Rarity's turn to think. After a few moments, she frowned. "Oh, bother." "What's wrong?" "Well, it's just that..." Rarity sighed. "I suddenly feel ever so boring. You've been nice enough to come spend time with me, but I hadn't actually planned anything for us to do. And now that I'm on the spot about it, well..." Fluttershy nodded. "Go on..." "You'll think me silly." "Not at all!" "Well..." Rarity gave a light titter. "We could always give each other makeovers. It's more or less the same thing as what we would normally be doing at the spa, which is why I accuse myself of being unoriginal, you see, but..." "That sounds like fun, actually!" Fluttershy said, loud enough to startle herself with her own volume. She squeaked and flopped a wing over her eyes, to which Rarity laughed softly. "I-I mean, Aloe and Lotus are so well trained at what they do... It would be a very different thing if we were to do that. Not to say that you're bad at giving makeovers, of course. But, um, I might be." "Well, now you've gone and made it sound practically exciting!" Rarity stood, setting her cup gently onto its saucer. "I insist we retire to my boudoir immediately. Let the makeovers commence!" Fluttershy giggled, took a last sip of her tea, and followed Rarity upstairs to her room. The plush carpeting muffled their hoofsteps and made Fluttershy feel cozy and at home. Rarity's room turned out to be equally plush, with its canopied poster bed, numerous bureaux and dressers, and an enormous vanity on the opposite side. Fluttershy sat on the bed and watched Rarity begin to take out various cosmetics and utensils from the drawers of the vanity. "Now then, where shall we begin? Makeup? Mane styling? Perhaps a little hoof polish!" "Um..." Fluttershy smiled and blushed. "I don't wear a lot of makeup myself, so I don't know how well I'll do with it. But I'd be happy to brush your mane." "Certainly, dear! Why don't I go first, then." Rarity took a seat with her back to Fluttershy, wiggling in anticipation. "I'm excited to see what you'll do with me!" "All right." Fluttershy nodded and lifted into the air, taking a comb in her hooves and peering at Rarity's mane. "Umm, you don't use bobby pins or anything like that, right?" Rarity gave her head a little toss. "This is all natural curl and hot irons, dear, believe it or not." "Oh my!" Fluttershy smiled appreciatively and reached out, hesitating a bit. "Um, well, here I go..." With soft strokes, she slowly undid Rarity's careful styling, save for the foremost curl over her brow. "I have to know," Rarity said gently, making sure she didn't move her head, "just what you've planned for this." "Oh, uh..." Fluttershy balked, unsure if she should say anything. "Well, I thought, um... You might look nice in a ponytail." "Mm-hmm." "You really should consider wearing your mane down more often," Fluttershy continued, gathering up a large portion of it and brushing it out. "It looks very nice that way. Although I'm leaving in the largest curl, because I think that's more... you. If you know what I mean." "I do, Fluttershy," Rarity responded, and closed her eyes. The brush through her mane tugged ever so slightly at her scalp. It was relaxing, almost like a massage for the head, and she found herself having difficulty keeping her head from bobbing backward with each stroke. In fact, she was having difficulty not moaning in pleasure. Fluttershy's touch was both gentle and masterful. She must spend a lot of time grooming her animal friends, Rarity thought. And now she's grooming me, and I... "F-Fluttershy..." "Yes, Rarity?" "Do... Do you think you might be able to groom my coat as well?" Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, of course! Let me just find the curry comb... Oh!" It levitated insistently in front of her face and she grabbed it out of the air with her mouth. As she began to run it in soft, clean strokes over Rarity's back, the unicorn gasped and squirmed. "Am... Are you all right, Rarity?" "Fine!" Rarity shouted. "I am just fine, yes! Pleasedon'tstop!" "Um, okay..." Rarity squeezed her eyes shut. She bit her lip. Everything Fluttershy was doing to her was absolutely driving her mad. She'd never felt this way about grooming before. What was happening to her? Was it because Fluttershy was doing it, and not herself or a stranger like the spa twins? There was something ever so... intimate about grooming. Fluttershy moved to Rarity's flank, and she began to sweat, tossing her head backward with a loud gasp. Suddenly, the window shattered. A streak of six colors flew in, knocking the curry comb out of Fluttershy's grasp. "Ouch!" she cried. Rarity opened her eyes and gasped. "Rainbow Dash! Look what you did to my window! What in Equestria are you doing?" Rainbow Dash sneered at them both. "I don't like when pony should pony pony," she said. Fluttershy rubbed her hoof while Rarity twitched, blushing furiously. "Um," said Fluttershy. SadSad Pinkie Pie sighed. It had been such a good day until that phone call. Now all she could think about was her poor mother, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all the tubes and magical machines keeping her alive, while her father and sister watched on helplessly. And there was no way for her to join them, either. Worse, there might not be a way until it was too late, and that was what had Pinkie in the corner now, her mane flat, tears straining at the corners of her eyes. It wasn't like her to be so down. Not like this. Maybe it was understandable, given the circumstances, but that didn't make her feel any better. She just wished that she didn't feel so alone, so helpless. She needed a friend to talk to, yet she was so consumed by her own worry and sadness that she couldn't even get herself to move to the door. Gummy sat nearby, blinking impassively. He wasn't the kind of friend she needed right now, but she couldn't blame him. He was just an alligator, after all. He didn't have to worry about things like family getting hurt, or not having any friends nearby, or death, or... The tears came. Her hooves scraped against the floor as she pressed herself back into the corner as far as she could, curled up, and cried. Loud sobs bubbled up her throat as if trying to tear it open. She cried until her chest hurt, her eyes were red and stinging from the salt, and her nose leaked snot into her mouth. The world blurred into a black void around her. She was startled, then, by a loud crash and the sound of glass hitting the floor. Raising her head, she had barely enough time to register more than one color in her field of vision before she was swept off the floor and into a bear hug five feet off the ground. "Wh... Rainbow Dash?" The words were difficult to say; her voice came out in a croak. "What are you doing here?" "I don't like when Pinkie should be sad," Rainbow whispered into her ear. Here, at last, was the friend she had been looking for, and just when she needed her, too. Collateral damage aside. Pinkie gazed into Rainbow's eyes and a different sort of tear welled in her own. "I'm so happy I think I'm going to start crying again," Pinkie whispered. "Nop," Rainbow said, and kissed her softly. Pinkie was so surprised that her mane and tail popped back into poofiness. She'd had no idea Rainbow felt this way about her. She let herself melt into Rainbow's embrace, kissing back softly, her tongue entwining with Rainbow's. Rainbow floated her over to the bed, then deposited her gently atop it. Pinkie tried to speak. "Rainbow, I don't understand. What..." Dash pressed a hoof to Pinkie's lips softly. "No tears now," she said, "only dreams," and kissed Pinkie again, laying on top of her. They kissed and hugged and made out, and then started rubbing on each other and licking and nibbling, which made Pinkie very not sad indeed, and then they started doing X-rated things that I can't tell you about here, so just imagine that that was what they were doing, okay? Oh. Oh my god. You just imagined horses doing that? You sick bastard. TwentyTwenty Rainbow Dash flew high above Sweet Apple Acres, looking for a certain orange cowpony. Finding her wasn't difficult: she was bucking apples in the east fields, the full sun shining down on her, almost making her glow. Rainbow tucked her wings in and swooped down at her, unfurling them only at the last possible second, so that she landed in a swirl of grass clippings, twigs and leaves that nearly blew AJ's hat off her head. "Consarnit, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack declared. "What in the sam hay you tryin' to pull?" "Some entrance, huh?" Rainbow grinned and a polished her hoof on her chest. "But that's nothin'. I came up with this cool new trick today and figured there was nopony more deserving of being the first to witness its awesomeness than my old buddy AJ." "Ya don't say," Applejack deadpanned. "You do realize I'm tryin' to work here, right?" "Pssh. Don't be such a spoilsport! I'm sure you can take a break for five whole minutes to watch your good friend perform amazing feats of aerial spectacle!" Dash raised her wings and reared back dramatically on her hind legs. Applejack sighed. "Okay, fine, you win. Now what's so hot about this here stunt?" Dash grinned. "Funny you should say 'hot'. When I'm done, I'll be on fire!" Applejack's brows raised in alarm. "All right, now that sounds interestin'. This I gotta see." "Stand back, oh ye of little flight, and prepare to be astounded!" Rainbow took off into the sky without another word, building speed naturally as she headed for the largest cloud around. She took hold of it and made a tight spiral, until it was rotating swiftly around its vertical axis. "I seen ya do that one before, Dash!" Applejack taunted. "You ain't seen nothin' yet!" Rainbow called back, though her voice wasn't audible from the ground. She flew through another nearby cloud, letting her coat soak up water vapor, and then gave herself a quick spin to flick off the outermost layer of moisture. Another dive and she set the cloud spinning in two directions at once. It began to shrink and dissipate as water was driven from it. By the time she stopped it with one hoof, it looked more like a cirrus than a puffy cumulus, and had begun rising into the air. "Now for the finale!" Rainbow very gently gave it a whirl to keep it from spinning apart, but not stopping its ascent. Then she reared back and raced forward, picking up speed. As she passed through the transparent cloud, its edges caught on her mane and coat, rubbing against them. She began a series of back and forth passes, each time catching more and more of those edges. She flew through the outermost part of the cloud first, and its spin kept it pressing against her. The friction building up soon did its work, igniting the tips of her mane and wings. The moment she smelled smoke, she stopped, posing, and Applejack's jaw dropped. Her friend was indeed partially on fire. "Whaddaya say to that?" Rainbow crowed, and Applejack stomped her hooves appreciatively. "Everything's better when it's on fire, and I am now at least twenty percen--aghk!" From out of nowhere, something raced by and into Rainbow Dash. It was Rainbow Dash. She slapped Rainbow Dash across the face, spun her around to put the fire out, and then punched her into the beginning of this story. "I don't like when twenty percent cooler," she snarled, scowling down at Applejack. Applejack gulped, looked left and right, and went back to applebucking. BestBest "Fillies and gentlecolts," Princess Celestia intoned, the magical megaphone amplifying her voice across the stage, "citizens of Equestria; my little ponies. It is with great pleasure that I inform you the recent changeling incursion into Canterlot has been averted. There are no longer any changelings in your midst, so please, try to go back to your normal lives. I know times have been difficult, frightening even, but I assure you, as your Princess, you have nothing to fear." Camera lights flashed and heads nodded appreciatively. Celestia beamed as she looked over the assembled press ponies. A slow chuckle bubbled up her throat. "Yes," she continued, "you've nothing at all to fear, my little ponies." Her eyes suddenly flashed green. "Except me!" In a burst of green magic, Celestia's form was rent from their sight. The crowd gasped as Chrysaslis, Queen of the Changelings, appeared before them in all her breathtakingly evil glory. "You foolish ponies!" she cried, her voice echoing in the chamber. "Did you think you could defeat the Queen of the Changelings so easily? I have returned to feed on your love once again! Cower before me!" With a maniacal laugh, she reared back before stomping her hooves. The ponies nearest the stage jumped, startled, and it looked like a panicked stampede was about to form. "How was that, hun?" Chrysalis asked good-naturedly, slipping into her natural Southern accent. "Too scary for ya?" The yellow pegasus stallion in the front row wiped sweat from his brow. "N-no, ma'am, it was just scary enough! Thank you very much!" The other ponies stomped their hooves and cheered. "You're quite welcome, sugah!" She turned back to the podium, smiling to the crowd. "Now that the, shall we say, 'performance' is complete, are there any other questions?" The room filled with the clamor of ponies struggling to have their questions heard simultaneously. Chrysalis's eyes flitted back and forth and she tried to make them out. "Ohh, Ah do believe Ah heard a good one over here! You, yellow in the press hat, could ya repeat that, hun?" The stallion adjusted his hat and straightened his back. "Chrysalis, ma'am, Front Page from the Trotter. I wanted to know, is it difficult for changelings to find acting jobs?" Chrysalis laughed. "Why of course not, sugah! We're naturals at actin', y'know. Ah think the real question you want answered is, 'Is it hard for changelings to find actin' jobs as changelings?'" The crowd murmured appreciatively. Front Page nodded, his hat nearly sliding from his head due to his eagerness. "The answer to that question, Ah'm afraid, is yes." Chrysalis began to pace across the stage, long, hole-filled legs clearing the distance quickly. "With our own faces, the only possible work is villain roles, like what y'all saw me do in A Canterlot Wedding. Now, Ah for one do not mind playin' the bad girl." To emphasize her point, she reared back and let loose a demonic cackle. The crowd whistled. "Villains are so much fun, y'see! There's nothin' quite like the feel of lettin' out mah inner bad girl." She sobered. "But it's true that many of my kind feel stereotyped. Either we don't show our faces, or we're the bad guys; Ah think there's rightly a point to that, and one might say that Applewood is biased towards pony actors." She laughed softly. "But Ah for one try not to let it get to me." The clamor started up again, but one plucky unicorn mare had managed to elbow her way to the front of the pack. It was her question that Chrysalis chose next. "Miss Chrysalis, my name is Evening Edition, from the Canterlot Times. There's a rumor going around in certain circles that you may in fact be best pony. Is this true, and if so, what are your feelings on the subject?" Chrysalis seemed taken aback. She placed a hoof on her chest as the unicorn levitated a microphone up into her face. "Li'l ol' me? Best pony? Why, Ah do declare!" She tittered, tossing her mane bashfully. "Ah never would have guessed such an honor might fall to a changeling, after all! Well, if that's the honest truth, then Ah'd have to say Ah..." She never got to finish her statement. The doors to the conference room burst open and a rainbow blur shot through them. It impacted with Chrysalis's chin, knocking her into the air. A series of swift kicks and punches sent her sprawling, dazed, across the stage. She landed heavily on her head and stars swam in her vision. A flying elbow tackle knocked her unconscious. One more kick from her assailant, and she was sailing into a nearby garbage bin. The room was deadly silent. The blue pegasus took up the microphone at the podium, tapped it twice to make sure it was on, crossed her hooves over her chest and scowled. "I don't like when Chrysalis is best pony." The assembled press ponies exploded. Cameras flashed and reporters frantically called in scoops to their editors. All the while, Rainbow stood, head high, mane blowing in an invisible breeze, stoic. And then Rainbow Dash was best pony. The End Author's Note Well, that was unexpected! When I started this, I was anticipating it just being a short, silly thing to get the idea out of my head. But it's over 4,000 words long and I feel like I put way too much work into it for what it is. I wrote it in a fit of not wanting to do things I should be doing. Serves me right, I guess! This story is basically just me riffing on kits riffing on "I don't like ponies touching my hooves" from Ponyville Confidential. To that end, this fic owes a lot to kits' fantastic A Typical Day in Pwnyville, which is hilarious and should be read. Past that, uh... It's all me, I guess. The joke in part 2 is based off the song Magic by Sim Gretina. Beyond that, I really have nothing else to say. Except that Chrysalis really is best pony. But you already knew that. EpilogueEpilogue Twilight Sparkle awoke just after dawn, the sun reaching through her window to caress her cheek warmly. She lifted from a pleasant dream, at a moment when she had seen all she needed to know that it would end well, and stretched, yawning. Her eyes snapped open fully and she took in the morning exuberantly. "It's a wonderful day!" she exclaimed with the certainty of a scientist shouting "Eureka!" She threw her covers off and hopped out of bed, hooves clopping lightly on the floor. In moments, she was trotting down the steps, ignoring the moaning of a groggy Spike, and making for the front door. This was a morning for meeting the day head-on. It was a day to sit outside and have coffee and croissants and watch the birds fly in the early light. It was the perfect time... For a song. Twilight lifted her head as she trotted towards the café, opening her mouth and singing forth in a clear voice. "Oh, what a beautiful morning! Everything here is just fine! My heart seems light and the world feels right, and life here in Ponyville shines!" As she entered the downtown district, she trotted past a pair of ponies washing windows, who waved to her. They seemed to uplift visibly as her song filled them with optimism and joy for the new day. "See how the ponies are happy! Gleeful and filled up with pride! The birds, how they tweet as they fly down the street! What a perfect day to be outside!" Two mares watering flowers along a store front waved at Twilight as she passed, then went back to their task with large smiles. A stallion with a briefcase added a small hop-skip to his trot as he wended his way to work. "All my friends, they start the day!" Rarity poked her head out the top window of Carousel Boutique, blowing a kiss and letting a long roll of cloth wave in the morning breeze. "All the fillies, they laugh and play!" A gaggle of schoolfillies laughed and shouted as they ran past Twilight, the one in the lead dragging a kite behind her that the others tried unsuccessfully to jump up and grab. "Ponyville wakes as the sun arrives!" Ponies down the lane threw open windows and doors to greet the day, some of them taking up the tune as Twilight reached a high note. "What a wonderful day to be aliiiiiii--" Her singing was cut short by a surreptitious and extremely localized deluge of water to her person. The street was silent for a moment. Then somepony coughed. Most of the bystanders went back to their days as Twilight Sparkle, damp and shivering, looked around to find the source of her sudden and unwanted downtown bath. It didn't take long for her to locate a blue pegasus hovering above her, holding a metal pail. From its rim a small water droplet loosed. "Rainbow Dash!" The anger toying at the edge of her voice colored her words with frost. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had this abrupt an emotional turnaround. Twilight scrabbled for words to express the rage now seething in her heart. "What is your freakin’ problem?" Rainbow Dash's face was a rictus of impassivity. She hovered with her back to the sun, so that her features were shadowed to Twilight. The handle of the pail creaked slowly as it rocked in time with her motions. "Stop," she said, in a voice as hard as the cobbles beneath Twilight's hooves. In the blink of an eye, Rainbow had placed her nose directly in front of Twilight's. "Singing." There was a clang. For the second time in a year, Twilight found herself viewing the world from the inside of a cold and wet metal bucket. She released a screech of frustration that echoed in her own ears. Rainbow's next words were slightly muffled, but not enough that Twilight missed them. "I don't like it when ponies in the morning." Twilight lifted the bucket to see a rainbow contrail streaking away from her. In a fit of rage, she threw the pail onto the pavement, only for it to bounce up and smack her under the chin. With a cry of pain -- "Zeykamiff!" -- she lost her footing and tumbled to the street. "Stupid Rainbow Dash," she mumbled, and blacked out. Author's Note I had planned on TRDDL being finished. I mean, look at the main page, it even says "complete". Yet, after seeing Cereal Velocity's wrap-up post for the season 3 finale, this idea came to me and I couldn't pass it up. I promise I won't write any more, lest I wear out the joke, but I think this was worth it. Here's an original line from the song which the PR's wouldn't let me not include: "See how the ponies are happy! See how they wave as I pass! The workponies work and the lazy ones shirk, and that guy is checking out my ass!"
TouchTouch Derpy Hooves and a tan and brown stallion galloped for their lives through the dark, twisting paths of the Everfree Forest. "Have we lost them?" he shouted back to her. "Not yet, keep running!" Behind them, a dozen beasts lurched and tumbled forward in a swarm, pursuing them tirelessly. What they lacked in grace they more than made up for in power and stamina. Each was vaguely pony-shaped, its outer surface haphazardly pocked and mottled in festering shades of red, pink and purple. Oversized veins and other protuberances marred their forms. They lacked eyes, nose, and mouth, each instead having a large black hole in its head, the position of which varied from creature to creature. From this orifice, they emitted a constant low moan, a dirge that pulsed and resounded like a chant. "What are those things?" cried the stallion, fearfully looking backward and nearly tripping over a raised root. "I thought you knew, Doctor!" Derpy replied. "They're Oonkla, from the planet Creepoe! And if they touch you, you'll be turned to stone and disappear forever!" The warped chanting increased in volume as more of the horrid abominations joined the chase. It seemed like the rhythmic sounds were beginning to form words, as if each monster were repeating one set of sounds just slightly out of sync with the rest. The ponies hadn't much time to think about it, though, as their path suddenly terminated at a stone wall. The cliff reached up above them, past the treetops, its summit hidden by dense fog. The sound of the Oonklas' chanting crept into their minds like a nail under skin, setting their psyches on edge as they put their backs to the wall, awaiting the inevitable. "Doctor," Derpy whispered, "shouldn't you be getting out your sonic screwdriver?" "I haven't got one!" Sweat poured down the stallion's face. "All my screwdrivers are at home, and anyway, they're all the normal sort!" "Oh dear!" Derpy pranced on her hooves as the Oonkla herd pressed in, taking their time in confronting the pair, their haunting, unintelligible chant never ceasing. "I wish the Tardis were nearby!" The stallion suddenly forgot all his fear and turned to Derpy with a look of annoyance. "What in blue blazes do you keep blabbering on about, you stupid mare?" He jabbed a hoof in the direction of the monsters shambling ever closer. "Have you noticed that there are alien things trying to kill us? What's a Tardis? And why do you keep calling me Doctor? My name is Time Turner, I make hourglasses, and I don't even have a Master's degree!" "Shh, Doctor," Derpy said, ignoring him. "Listen!" The chanting of the creatures was indeed beginning to form words. As they turned their attentions towards it, the terrible noise became clearer and clearer. Oonkla... Doonkla... Doonkity-doo... Turn you to stone, and then we'll eat you... "If they turn ponies to stone, how can anyone possibly know that they disappear afterward?" Time Turner muttered, shutting his eyes tight against the inevitability of a stony, dinnery demise. There was a shout, one might call it a war cry, and a crashing through the trees. Something bright and colorful flew in from the side and smashed into an Oonkla, knocking it over and taking two of its brethren with it. As they touched each other, they turned to stone and then disappeared. Forever. "Is that..." Derpy couldn't believe her one good eye. "It is! Rainbow Dash!" With a mighty roar, Rainbow Dash charged the herd again, delivering swift kicks and punches to the unearthly beings, who stammered and wailed, confused by the lightning-fast assault. Frantic, they began running into each other, and in less than a minute, all the Oonkla had been destroyed by their own dark powers. "Whoo-hoo!" cheered Derpy. "Go Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow alighted in the clearing and flexed her wings, shaking off the strain of battle. "How did you even know we needed saving?" the stallion asked. Rainbow Dash snorted. "I don't like when ponies touched Doctor Whooves," she said. "M-my name is Time Turner," Time Turner protested weakly. Then he thought better of it and fainted instead.
ShareShare It had been a long day of studying for Twilight Sparkle, and while not hard work in the physical sense, that still meant lots of sitting on the floor reading. Her body was, in short, quite stiff and sore, as she tended not to move much while engrossed in a good read. A bath, she decided, would be the perfect way to relax and unwind. She was assured a quiet evening, at least, since Spike was out helping Rarity do Celestia knew what, and had planned to be gone for at least an entire day. The thought of him being out on his own did make her ever so slightly worried, for Rarity's sake if not for his. But if Rarity was going to lead on his little crush like that, well... She was a grown mare. It was something they would have to work out on their own. "Meanwhile," she said to herself, turning the hot water tap on full, "I have a date with Lavender Lift's Foaming Magic Bath Salts." She giggled, levitating the box over from the closet and pouring a generous helping of the scented crystals into the tub. Replacing the box in its dry spot, she went about the room gathering towels, a washcloth, and the bathmat, so that everything could be placed just so before she climbed into the tub. With a good hoof's length left before the water reached the top of the tub, she turned down the hot and turned on the cold, a practiced maneuver. A minute later, and her bath was prepared, with the perfect mix of temperatures to ensure the water would be nice and toasty, but not overly hot. The moment her hoof touched the water's surface, she let out a small moan of pleasure. It turned into a groan as the water embraced her and the warmth suffused her achy muscles. The scent of lilacs and dogwood suffused the air in the bathroom, drawing a contented sigh from her as she lowered herself slowly into the bubbles. Twilight leaned back against the tub, closed her eyes, and with a long exhalation, released all the tension that had built up in her body, letting her mind wander. Pinkie had said something recently about a party, an excuse to show off some new confection she'd devised. That would be something to look forward to. Thinking about Pinkie made Twilight think about music, and soon she was singing snatches of various tunes, just whatever she could bring to mind. "Hmm-hmm... Ponies, ponies..." She hummed a few notes, probably not from the same song. It didn't matter, though. It wasn't like there was anypony else around to hear her. "Ponies, ponies... "The time has come to... "Hmm, hmm, hmm..." Opening one eye, she levitated a washcloth over, along with a bottle of chamomile body wash. The music continued to burble out of her lips as she applied soap to cloth and began to scrub at her withers. "Ponies, ponies... The time has come to... Hmm-hmm... Shared our dreams..." Suddenly, there was a violent explosion from the other end of the tub. Hot water geysered out across the walls and floor, fragrantly soaking every surface of Twilight's bathroom. From out of the foamy depths a head emerged. Multicolored hair lay plastered to the face of a sky blue pony wearing goggles and a snorkel. "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight, perched precariously on the rim of her tub, shivered in the suddenly cool air of the bathroom. "What in the hay are you doing in my bathtub?" Rainbow Dash spat out the snorkel and glowered. "I don't like when ponies shared our dreams." As Twilight fought to keep her balance like a scared cat on a tree limb, Rainbow slowly sank back under the water, leaving behind a few ripples and a column of bubbles.
PonyPony "Thank you ever so much for coming over today, Fluttershy," Rarity said as she held the door open for her friend. "With the spa being renovated, I have been simply beside myself with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon." "It's no problem, Rarity," Fluttershy assured her with a smile. "After all, we can still spend some time together, even if we're not getting hooficures or mud packs." "You're absolutely right, dear. Won't you have a seat?" Rarity's magic drew a large number of plates, saucers, cups and utensils into the living room. "I made some tea, if you've any interest." "Oh yes!" Fluttershy sat on the sofa, hooves in her lap, and smiled brightly, wings ruffling. "Tea sounds lovely." The tea set floated over, arranging itself ever so perfectly on the coffee table before them. The china shone pearlescent and white in the soft glow of afternoon. The intricate green vine patterns and light gold filigree marked it as imported from griffon lands. Had Rarity not inherited it from her late maternal grandmother, it would have cost her a small fortune to procure it. "One lump or two, dear?" "Oh!" Fluttershy shifted in her seat, having not been paying attention. "Two, please. I like my tea sweet." Rarity laughed softly. "Somehow, I'm not surprised." She deftly dropped two cubes of sugar into Fluttershy's tea, and one in her own. Fluttershy lifted the cup to her lips and blew gently. "Oh, this smells heavenly," she remarked. "Is it orange?" "Pekoe, yes." Rarity nodded. "With mint. I recently ordered it from Canterlot and have found it to be most relaxing." Fluttershy sipped daintily, to keep from burning her mouth. "It's lovely, Rarity." "Why, thank you, dear!" They sat in silence for some time, sipping their tea and smiling at one another when their eyes met. "I must say, Fluttershy," Rarity said at length, "here in my own home, I'm finding myself at a loss for words. Usually I'm not so reticent at the spa. I must apologize." "It's no problem, Rarity." Fluttershy gave her an extra-big smile to drive home the point. "But if you want to talk about something, that's all right, too." "Well, have you anything you'd like to talk about?" Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Um... No. Not really, that is." "Shall we do something then?" "Oh, yes, please!" Fluttershy nodded enthusiastically. "What did you have in mind?" It was Rarity's turn to think. After a few moments, she frowned. "Oh, bother." "What's wrong?" "Well, it's just that..." Rarity sighed. "I suddenly feel ever so boring. You've been nice enough to come spend time with me, but I hadn't actually planned anything for us to do. And now that I'm on the spot about it, well..." Fluttershy nodded. "Go on..." "You'll think me silly." "Not at all!" "Well..." Rarity gave a light titter. "We could always give each other makeovers. It's more or less the same thing as what we would normally be doing at the spa, which is why I accuse myself of being unoriginal, you see, but..." "That sounds like fun, actually!" Fluttershy said, loud enough to startle herself with her own volume. She squeaked and flopped a wing over her eyes, to which Rarity laughed softly. "I-I mean, Aloe and Lotus are so well trained at what they do... It would be a very different thing if we were to do that. Not to say that you're bad at giving makeovers, of course. But, um, I might be." "Well, now you've gone and made it sound practically exciting!" Rarity stood, setting her cup gently onto its saucer. "I insist we retire to my boudoir immediately. Let the makeovers commence!" Fluttershy giggled, took a last sip of her tea, and followed Rarity upstairs to her room. The plush carpeting muffled their hoofsteps and made Fluttershy feel cozy and at home. Rarity's room turned out to be equally plush, with its canopied poster bed, numerous bureaux and dressers, and an enormous vanity on the opposite side. Fluttershy sat on the bed and watched Rarity begin to take out various cosmetics and utensils from the drawers of the vanity. "Now then, where shall we begin? Makeup? Mane styling? Perhaps a little hoof polish!" "Um..." Fluttershy smiled and blushed. "I don't wear a lot of makeup myself, so I don't know how well I'll do with it. But I'd be happy to brush your mane." "Certainly, dear! Why don't I go first, then." Rarity took a seat with her back to Fluttershy, wiggling in anticipation. "I'm excited to see what you'll do with me!" "All right." Fluttershy nodded and lifted into the air, taking a comb in her hooves and peering at Rarity's mane. "Umm, you don't use bobby pins or anything like that, right?" Rarity gave her head a little toss. "This is all natural curl and hot irons, dear, believe it or not." "Oh my!" Fluttershy smiled appreciatively and reached out, hesitating a bit. "Um, well, here I go..." With soft strokes, she slowly undid Rarity's careful styling, save for the foremost curl over her brow. "I have to know," Rarity said gently, making sure she didn't move her head, "just what you've planned for this." "Oh, uh..." Fluttershy balked, unsure if she should say anything. "Well, I thought, um... You might look nice in a ponytail." "Mm-hmm." "You really should consider wearing your mane down more often," Fluttershy continued, gathering up a large portion of it and brushing it out. "It looks very nice that way. Although I'm leaving in the largest curl, because I think that's more... you. If you know what I mean." "I do, Fluttershy," Rarity responded, and closed her eyes. The brush through her mane tugged ever so slightly at her scalp. It was relaxing, almost like a massage for the head, and she found herself having difficulty keeping her head from bobbing backward with each stroke. In fact, she was having difficulty not moaning in pleasure. Fluttershy's touch was both gentle and masterful. She must spend a lot of time grooming her animal friends, Rarity thought. And now she's grooming me, and I... "F-Fluttershy..." "Yes, Rarity?" "Do... Do you think you might be able to groom my coat as well?" Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, of course! Let me just find the curry comb... Oh!" It levitated insistently in front of her face and she grabbed it out of the air with her mouth. As she began to run it in soft, clean strokes over Rarity's back, the unicorn gasped and squirmed. "Am... Are you all right, Rarity?" "Fine!" Rarity shouted. "I am just fine, yes! Pleasedon'tstop!" "Um, okay..." Rarity squeezed her eyes shut. She bit her lip. Everything Fluttershy was doing to her was absolutely driving her mad. She'd never felt this way about grooming before. What was happening to her? Was it because Fluttershy was doing it, and not herself or a stranger like the spa twins? There was something ever so... intimate about grooming. Fluttershy moved to Rarity's flank, and she began to sweat, tossing her head backward with a loud gasp. Suddenly, the window shattered. A streak of six colors flew in, knocking the curry comb out of Fluttershy's grasp. "Ouch!" she cried. Rarity opened her eyes and gasped. "Rainbow Dash! Look what you did to my window! What in Equestria are you doing?" Rainbow Dash sneered at them both. "I don't like when pony should pony pony," she said. Fluttershy rubbed her hoof while Rarity twitched, blushing furiously. "Um," said Fluttershy.
SadSad Pinkie Pie sighed. It had been such a good day until that phone call. Now all she could think about was her poor mother, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all the tubes and magical machines keeping her alive, while her father and sister watched on helplessly. And there was no way for her to join them, either. Worse, there might not be a way until it was too late, and that was what had Pinkie in the corner now, her mane flat, tears straining at the corners of her eyes. It wasn't like her to be so down. Not like this. Maybe it was understandable, given the circumstances, but that didn't make her feel any better. She just wished that she didn't feel so alone, so helpless. She needed a friend to talk to, yet she was so consumed by her own worry and sadness that she couldn't even get herself to move to the door. Gummy sat nearby, blinking impassively. He wasn't the kind of friend she needed right now, but she couldn't blame him. He was just an alligator, after all. He didn't have to worry about things like family getting hurt, or not having any friends nearby, or death, or... The tears came. Her hooves scraped against the floor as she pressed herself back into the corner as far as she could, curled up, and cried. Loud sobs bubbled up her throat as if trying to tear it open. She cried until her chest hurt, her eyes were red and stinging from the salt, and her nose leaked snot into her mouth. The world blurred into a black void around her. She was startled, then, by a loud crash and the sound of glass hitting the floor. Raising her head, she had barely enough time to register more than one color in her field of vision before she was swept off the floor and into a bear hug five feet off the ground. "Wh... Rainbow Dash?" The words were difficult to say; her voice came out in a croak. "What are you doing here?" "I don't like when Pinkie should be sad," Rainbow whispered into her ear. Here, at last, was the friend she had been looking for, and just when she needed her, too. Collateral damage aside. Pinkie gazed into Rainbow's eyes and a different sort of tear welled in her own. "I'm so happy I think I'm going to start crying again," Pinkie whispered. "Nop," Rainbow said, and kissed her softly. Pinkie was so surprised that her mane and tail popped back into poofiness. She'd had no idea Rainbow felt this way about her. She let herself melt into Rainbow's embrace, kissing back softly, her tongue entwining with Rainbow's. Rainbow floated her over to the bed, then deposited her gently atop it. Pinkie tried to speak. "Rainbow, I don't understand. What..." Dash pressed a hoof to Pinkie's lips softly. "No tears now," she said, "only dreams," and kissed Pinkie again, laying on top of her. They kissed and hugged and made out, and then started rubbing on each other and licking and nibbling, which made Pinkie very not sad indeed, and then they started doing X-rated things that I can't tell you about here, so just imagine that that was what they were doing, okay? Oh. Oh my god. You just imagined horses doing that? You sick bastard.
TwentyTwenty Rainbow Dash flew high above Sweet Apple Acres, looking for a certain orange cowpony. Finding her wasn't difficult: she was bucking apples in the east fields, the full sun shining down on her, almost making her glow. Rainbow tucked her wings in and swooped down at her, unfurling them only at the last possible second, so that she landed in a swirl of grass clippings, twigs and leaves that nearly blew AJ's hat off her head. "Consarnit, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack declared. "What in the sam hay you tryin' to pull?" "Some entrance, huh?" Rainbow grinned and a polished her hoof on her chest. "But that's nothin'. I came up with this cool new trick today and figured there was nopony more deserving of being the first to witness its awesomeness than my old buddy AJ." "Ya don't say," Applejack deadpanned. "You do realize I'm tryin' to work here, right?" "Pssh. Don't be such a spoilsport! I'm sure you can take a break for five whole minutes to watch your good friend perform amazing feats of aerial spectacle!" Dash raised her wings and reared back dramatically on her hind legs. Applejack sighed. "Okay, fine, you win. Now what's so hot about this here stunt?" Dash grinned. "Funny you should say 'hot'. When I'm done, I'll be on fire!" Applejack's brows raised in alarm. "All right, now that sounds interestin'. This I gotta see." "Stand back, oh ye of little flight, and prepare to be astounded!" Rainbow took off into the sky without another word, building speed naturally as she headed for the largest cloud around. She took hold of it and made a tight spiral, until it was rotating swiftly around its vertical axis. "I seen ya do that one before, Dash!" Applejack taunted. "You ain't seen nothin' yet!" Rainbow called back, though her voice wasn't audible from the ground. She flew through another nearby cloud, letting her coat soak up water vapor, and then gave herself a quick spin to flick off the outermost layer of moisture. Another dive and she set the cloud spinning in two directions at once. It began to shrink and dissipate as water was driven from it. By the time she stopped it with one hoof, it looked more like a cirrus than a puffy cumulus, and had begun rising into the air. "Now for the finale!" Rainbow very gently gave it a whirl to keep it from spinning apart, but not stopping its ascent. Then she reared back and raced forward, picking up speed. As she passed through the transparent cloud, its edges caught on her mane and coat, rubbing against them. She began a series of back and forth passes, each time catching more and more of those edges. She flew through the outermost part of the cloud first, and its spin kept it pressing against her. The friction building up soon did its work, igniting the tips of her mane and wings. The moment she smelled smoke, she stopped, posing, and Applejack's jaw dropped. Her friend was indeed partially on fire. "Whaddaya say to that?" Rainbow crowed, and Applejack stomped her hooves appreciatively. "Everything's better when it's on fire, and I am now at least twenty percen--aghk!" From out of nowhere, something raced by and into Rainbow Dash. It was Rainbow Dash. She slapped Rainbow Dash across the face, spun her around to put the fire out, and then punched her into the beginning of this story. "I don't like when twenty percent cooler," she snarled, scowling down at Applejack. Applejack gulped, looked left and right, and went back to applebucking.
BestBest "Fillies and gentlecolts," Princess Celestia intoned, the magical megaphone amplifying her voice across the stage, "citizens of Equestria; my little ponies. It is with great pleasure that I inform you the recent changeling incursion into Canterlot has been averted. There are no longer any changelings in your midst, so please, try to go back to your normal lives. I know times have been difficult, frightening even, but I assure you, as your Princess, you have nothing to fear." Camera lights flashed and heads nodded appreciatively. Celestia beamed as she looked over the assembled press ponies. A slow chuckle bubbled up her throat. "Yes," she continued, "you've nothing at all to fear, my little ponies." Her eyes suddenly flashed green. "Except me!" In a burst of green magic, Celestia's form was rent from their sight. The crowd gasped as Chrysaslis, Queen of the Changelings, appeared before them in all her breathtakingly evil glory. "You foolish ponies!" she cried, her voice echoing in the chamber. "Did you think you could defeat the Queen of the Changelings so easily? I have returned to feed on your love once again! Cower before me!" With a maniacal laugh, she reared back before stomping her hooves. The ponies nearest the stage jumped, startled, and it looked like a panicked stampede was about to form. "How was that, hun?" Chrysalis asked good-naturedly, slipping into her natural Southern accent. "Too scary for ya?" The yellow pegasus stallion in the front row wiped sweat from his brow. "N-no, ma'am, it was just scary enough! Thank you very much!" The other ponies stomped their hooves and cheered. "You're quite welcome, sugah!" She turned back to the podium, smiling to the crowd. "Now that the, shall we say, 'performance' is complete, are there any other questions?" The room filled with the clamor of ponies struggling to have their questions heard simultaneously. Chrysalis's eyes flitted back and forth and she tried to make them out. "Ohh, Ah do believe Ah heard a good one over here! You, yellow in the press hat, could ya repeat that, hun?" The stallion adjusted his hat and straightened his back. "Chrysalis, ma'am, Front Page from the Trotter. I wanted to know, is it difficult for changelings to find acting jobs?" Chrysalis laughed. "Why of course not, sugah! We're naturals at actin', y'know. Ah think the real question you want answered is, 'Is it hard for changelings to find actin' jobs as changelings?'" The crowd murmured appreciatively. Front Page nodded, his hat nearly sliding from his head due to his eagerness. "The answer to that question, Ah'm afraid, is yes." Chrysalis began to pace across the stage, long, hole-filled legs clearing the distance quickly. "With our own faces, the only possible work is villain roles, like what y'all saw me do in A Canterlot Wedding. Now, Ah for one do not mind playin' the bad girl." To emphasize her point, she reared back and let loose a demonic cackle. The crowd whistled. "Villains are so much fun, y'see! There's nothin' quite like the feel of lettin' out mah inner bad girl." She sobered. "But it's true that many of my kind feel stereotyped. Either we don't show our faces, or we're the bad guys; Ah think there's rightly a point to that, and one might say that Applewood is biased towards pony actors." She laughed softly. "But Ah for one try not to let it get to me." The clamor started up again, but one plucky unicorn mare had managed to elbow her way to the front of the pack. It was her question that Chrysalis chose next. "Miss Chrysalis, my name is Evening Edition, from the Canterlot Times. There's a rumor going around in certain circles that you may in fact be best pony. Is this true, and if so, what are your feelings on the subject?" Chrysalis seemed taken aback. She placed a hoof on her chest as the unicorn levitated a microphone up into her face. "Li'l ol' me? Best pony? Why, Ah do declare!" She tittered, tossing her mane bashfully. "Ah never would have guessed such an honor might fall to a changeling, after all! Well, if that's the honest truth, then Ah'd have to say Ah..." She never got to finish her statement. The doors to the conference room burst open and a rainbow blur shot through them. It impacted with Chrysalis's chin, knocking her into the air. A series of swift kicks and punches sent her sprawling, dazed, across the stage. She landed heavily on her head and stars swam in her vision. A flying elbow tackle knocked her unconscious. One more kick from her assailant, and she was sailing into a nearby garbage bin. The room was deadly silent. The blue pegasus took up the microphone at the podium, tapped it twice to make sure it was on, crossed her hooves over her chest and scowled. "I don't like when Chrysalis is best pony." The assembled press ponies exploded. Cameras flashed and reporters frantically called in scoops to their editors. All the while, Rainbow stood, head high, mane blowing in an invisible breeze, stoic. And then Rainbow Dash was best pony. The End Author's Note Well, that was unexpected! When I started this, I was anticipating it just being a short, silly thing to get the idea out of my head. But it's over 4,000 words long and I feel like I put way too much work into it for what it is. I wrote it in a fit of not wanting to do things I should be doing. Serves me right, I guess! This story is basically just me riffing on kits riffing on "I don't like ponies touching my hooves" from Ponyville Confidential. To that end, this fic owes a lot to kits' fantastic A Typical Day in Pwnyville, which is hilarious and should be read. Past that, uh... It's all me, I guess. The joke in part 2 is based off the song Magic by Sim Gretina. Beyond that, I really have nothing else to say. Except that Chrysalis really is best pony. But you already knew that.
EpilogueEpilogue Twilight Sparkle awoke just after dawn, the sun reaching through her window to caress her cheek warmly. She lifted from a pleasant dream, at a moment when she had seen all she needed to know that it would end well, and stretched, yawning. Her eyes snapped open fully and she took in the morning exuberantly. "It's a wonderful day!" she exclaimed with the certainty of a scientist shouting "Eureka!" She threw her covers off and hopped out of bed, hooves clopping lightly on the floor. In moments, she was trotting down the steps, ignoring the moaning of a groggy Spike, and making for the front door. This was a morning for meeting the day head-on. It was a day to sit outside and have coffee and croissants and watch the birds fly in the early light. It was the perfect time... For a song. Twilight lifted her head as she trotted towards the café, opening her mouth and singing forth in a clear voice. "Oh, what a beautiful morning! Everything here is just fine! My heart seems light and the world feels right, and life here in Ponyville shines!" As she entered the downtown district, she trotted past a pair of ponies washing windows, who waved to her. They seemed to uplift visibly as her song filled them with optimism and joy for the new day. "See how the ponies are happy! Gleeful and filled up with pride! The birds, how they tweet as they fly down the street! What a perfect day to be outside!" Two mares watering flowers along a store front waved at Twilight as she passed, then went back to their task with large smiles. A stallion with a briefcase added a small hop-skip to his trot as he wended his way to work. "All my friends, they start the day!" Rarity poked her head out the top window of Carousel Boutique, blowing a kiss and letting a long roll of cloth wave in the morning breeze. "All the fillies, they laugh and play!" A gaggle of schoolfillies laughed and shouted as they ran past Twilight, the one in the lead dragging a kite behind her that the others tried unsuccessfully to jump up and grab. "Ponyville wakes as the sun arrives!" Ponies down the lane threw open windows and doors to greet the day, some of them taking up the tune as Twilight reached a high note. "What a wonderful day to be aliiiiiii--" Her singing was cut short by a surreptitious and extremely localized deluge of water to her person. The street was silent for a moment. Then somepony coughed. Most of the bystanders went back to their days as Twilight Sparkle, damp and shivering, looked around to find the source of her sudden and unwanted downtown bath. It didn't take long for her to locate a blue pegasus hovering above her, holding a metal pail. From its rim a small water droplet loosed. "Rainbow Dash!" The anger toying at the edge of her voice colored her words with frost. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had this abrupt an emotional turnaround. Twilight scrabbled for words to express the rage now seething in her heart. "What is your freakin’ problem?" Rainbow Dash's face was a rictus of impassivity. She hovered with her back to the sun, so that her features were shadowed to Twilight. The handle of the pail creaked slowly as it rocked in time with her motions. "Stop," she said, in a voice as hard as the cobbles beneath Twilight's hooves. In the blink of an eye, Rainbow had placed her nose directly in front of Twilight's. "Singing." There was a clang. For the second time in a year, Twilight found herself viewing the world from the inside of a cold and wet metal bucket. She released a screech of frustration that echoed in her own ears. Rainbow's next words were slightly muffled, but not enough that Twilight missed them. "I don't like it when ponies in the morning." Twilight lifted the bucket to see a rainbow contrail streaking away from her. In a fit of rage, she threw the pail onto the pavement, only for it to bounce up and smack her under the chin. With a cry of pain -- "Zeykamiff!" -- she lost her footing and tumbled to the street. "Stupid Rainbow Dash," she mumbled, and blacked out. Author's Note I had planned on TRDDL being finished. I mean, look at the main page, it even says "complete". Yet, after seeing Cereal Velocity's wrap-up post for the season 3 finale, this idea came to me and I couldn't pass it up. I promise I won't write any more, lest I wear out the joke, but I think this was worth it. Here's an original line from the song which the PR's wouldn't let me not include: "See how the ponies are happy! See how they wave as I pass! The workponies work and the lazy ones shirk, and that guy is checking out my ass!"
