Diplomacy, Blue in Ink and Blood

by Rubidium

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Changelings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Prince Blueblood
Length: 2825

When Thorax's Hive makes a troubling request, Twilight needs a skilled diplomat to work things out. Unfortunately, all she's got is Blueblood.

Thorax wants Queen Chrysalis returned to changeling custody, and Twilight doesn't know why. Somehow, this is Prince Blueblood's problem.

An entry in the Dialogue-only contest
Thanks to Drider and Grey for prereading and feedback.

Published 2024-06-15 06:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-15 06:10:00 UTC

Regarding the Allocation of Diplomatic Assignments

Dear Cousin,

Why is it that whenever you have need of my diplomatic talents, it involves some bug-infested hole in the ground, and not, for instance, a nice beach on the Mediquestrian? I know for a fact the Crown maintains accounts with the bank of the City of Flowers, which is supposed to be quite lovely this time of year; it seems positively imprudent to leave looking out for our interests in that region to some lesser talent than mine.

As regards the bugs, they are, I suppose, tolerable hosts. The space they have set aside for me is not so large as my rooms at Canterlot, but I shall make do. Thorax and I have not had a chance to speak, and I don’t think it’s a deliberate snub - it seems he’s not encountered the notion of a staff. I can’t make heads or tails of how he gets anything done, but one gets the sense it involves considerably more effort on his part than sensible creatures expend.

Nothing else to report at the moment, and I have plans to host a dinner soon, so I’ll keep this brief. Do please confirm that my stipend is on the way, and send me a copy of your favorite book on management practices - I’ve no doubt you have one, and I need a gift for Thorax.
Your loyal, though thoroughly misused servant,

Prince Blueblood

Dear Blueblood,

Thanks for the update. Your stipend is on the way, and if it continues to be delayed, take out a loan in the name of the crown - I’m fairly sure Tartarus will freeze over the day you learn financial responsibility, and I don’t fancy overseeing another set of prisoner transfers in the middle of all this. Attached is the book you’ve requested.

I recommend not calling the changelings ‘bugs’. From an outsider, it’s considered derogatory, which you would know if you had read the notes I gave you.

As regards your recommendation with respect to my foreign policy, I’m inclined to agree with you - the City of Flowers is indeed an important friend of Ours, and closer diplomatic relations with them can only be beneficial. As it happens, my friend Rarity, who no doubt you remember fondly, is quite familiar with the city, it being a considerable supplier of thread, and no doubt she would be happy to advise you on the matter. Shall I set up a meeting?
Your friend,

Princess Twilight

Regarding Matters of Etiquette

Dear Cousin,

No meeting is necessary - if such a virtuous pony as your friend Rarity is keeping an eye on them, it’s clear that the City of Flowers is in good hooves, and doubtless too terrified of her to be a problem. Perhaps you ought instead send me to Prance? Their recent republican sentiments are concerning, and more importantly their vineyards are to die for. It’s quite impossible to find a good drink here; the changeling method of fermentation involves considerably more rotting fruit than suits my tastes. I had to sit through my own dinner - my own dinner! - without even the slightest buzz, excepting of course the sort produced by what we are politely not calling bugs.

I did of course read the notes you gave me, and would ordinarily protest that I am not so uncouth as to call them bugs to their faces, except that quite without meaning to or in fact noticing, I must have done so, as one of them saw it necessary to provide correction on the matter. I assure you I’m as embarrassed as anypony - usually when I give such insults I at least have the excuse of drunkenness, which pardons many a faux pas.

Speaking of insults, I finally spoke to Thorax! He was not at all fond of the book. Do you know that sputtering noise ponies make when they want to yell at you, but dare not on account of your rank? I don’t mean that rhetorically; I genuinely wonder whether you’ve ever had the pleasure. It turns out changelings do something similar, except it’s more of a chitter than a sputter. I think for a moment he forgot he was king, or he might very well have had me cooling my heels in a pod for a night. Fortunately, I managed to smooth things over, though I doubt I’ll be walking away from this with a commendation. You may not know this, but I’m a phenomenally talented groveler - I had very bad impulse control as a colt, you see, and I knew where Celestia liked to hide her snacks, so I got rather a lot of practice.

My dinner, you will be pleased to hear, went swimmingly. Pharynx showed up, much to my delight - I hadn’t thought him the type for partying, especially given I’d just made an ass of myself to his brother, but we bonded quite well over our mutual unhappiness with the high-hoofed ways of our respective monarchs. Apparently, Thorax didn’t consult him at all on this endeavor, and he’s quite upset. Rightly so, I daresay - if we do end up moving Chrysalis it’s going to be a security nightmare; the least Thorax could have done is give him a heads-up.

Frankly, I’m baffled by the whole thing. The integrationists hate anything that associates the Hive with Chrysalis; the separatists hate anything that involves joint operations with Equestria; the conservatives might want the old queen back but I can’t imagine them saying so to Thorax’s face; the progressives are content to have her as far away as possible. As far as I can tell, there’s not a single faction that actually wants this to happen. I suppose if Thorax wants to give himself a headache, it’s no skin off my back.

Say hi to Aunt Lu for me, and give her my regrets for missing her next visit. I quite enjoyed that conversation we had last time, the one about the wibbly thing she’s got Balius doing.
Your loyal, tragically deprived servant,

Blueblood

Dear Blueblood,

Did Thorax say why he was so upset? We don’t talk often, but I would have expected him to like your choice of gift, and Spike agrees that his response sounds pretty surprising. Is it possible you accidentally said something else that bothered him?

It might also have something to do with whatever’s going on with Pharynx. If they’re fighting for some reason, and I think they must be if they’re not talking, then Thorax must be even more stressed than you’d expect from everything else, and sometimes creatures under a lot of stress lash out in ways they wouldn’t normally endorse.

Regarding the motivation for the request, I wonder if you’re coming at it from the wrong angle. Ocellus told me once that a lot of changelings are uncomfortable with Equestrian influence over the Hive; perhaps the point of this is just to see if we’ll do a favor for them even when it’s inconvenient.

If so, you might have some luck finding a different concession - I don’t think we can agree to this one. We don’t have a way to separate Chrysalis from the rest of the statue (I’ve got Starlight trying to come up with something, just in case there’s a solution we haven't already looked into, but I’m not at all optimistic), and you know how the cloud cities feel about Cozy Glow. I’m not sure they wouldn’t revolt outright if we let her leave pony custody altogether.

Princess Luna was happy to hear from you. She says she’d be glad to visit again when you get back to Canterlot, but only if you promise not to call it a “wibbly thing” to her face. The correct term is “orbital perturbation”.

I don’t think the Prench republicans would be happy about a royal diplomat. In lieu of your requested posting, I’ve sent you a collection of wines from the palace cellars (don’t worry - I had no hoof in the selection). They wouldn't travel well via dragonfire, though, so it’ll be a few days before they get to you.
Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

Regarding Compromises

Dear Cousin,

I see now that the imprecations I uttered against you these past days were entirely without merit; I beg your forgiveness for ever having doubted your virtue or good will. The wine arrived yesterday - pass on my thanks to whoever made the selection.

After receiving your last letter, I spoke with Thorax, and in accordance with your recommendations asked after alternative concessions we might offer them. To no avail, alas. He’s quite set on getting Chrysalis back and quite unwilling to explain why. I gather he’s still upset at me about the book (about which he’s also largely declined to clarify). As a counteroffer, he proposed that we might periodically swap custody of the statue, say every six moons or so. Figure we set up a joint changeling-pony guard on it, make sure to get some prominent pegasi on the pony side, and maybe throw some bits at the weather industry - do you think that would be enough to placate the cloudies?

I spoke with Pharynx again last night (the wine provided a lovely excuse), and he’s quite mystified about Thorax. Apparently it’s not just the Chrysalis debacle, though - Thorax isn’t even taking his advice on guard assignments anymore, much less confiding with him about anything significant. He doesn’t know the motivation, either - one day they got along as well as they ever do, and the next Thorax was cutting him out of as much of the Hive administration as he could. I suggested to him the time-tested technique of indiscriminate groveling, and he called me a dishonorable coward utterly devoid of virtues. He gets remarkably eloquent when he’s drunk, did you know?

I think you must be right that Thorax is attempting to placate some anti-Equestrian faction. It would at the very least explain why no changeling willing to support the move has any interest in talking to me. I rather doubt that’s the whole of it, Thorax’s behavior being much too strange to be resolved so simply, but at the very least it gives me something to look into.

Meanwhile, I suppose I ought to make what friends I may, and Pharynx has a number of old acquaintances who were uninterested in my previous dinner invitations; I think I’ll see if I can tempt them to change their minds. Would you be so good as to have a barrel or two of salted fish sent my way?

Tell Aunt Lu that I’d be delighted by her visit, but as a stallion of principle, I refuse to bend on the terminological question. She does a thing with Xanthos that makes Balius wibble; therefore, it is and shall be referred to as a “wibbly thing”. If she wishes the terminology I use to be correct, she will simply have to convince the astronomers to adopt my convention.
Your loyal and industrious servant,

Blueblood

Dear Blueblood,

Yes, I think I can get the cloud cities to come around to your proposal. Ask Thorax if there are any aerobats in the Hive who’d be willing and able to do a few tours with the Wonderbolts; I think if I can get them excited about a less controversial instance of interspecies cooperation, they’ll be easier to move on the Cozy Glow matter.

I’m still very concerned about security, especially if Thorax is facing internal unrest, but you have considerably better visibility into the state of things than I do: in your estimation, is the Hive equipped to recapture Chrysalis and Tirek if the petrification unexpectedly fails, and to hold them both securely and ethically?

The fish are on their way.

I passed on your message to Princess Luna. If I get a petition to mandate that all instances of “orbital perturbation” become “wibbly thing”, I’m going to give you a lifetime appointment as ambassador to Griffonstone.

Please reply as quickly as possible; I’d like to keep things moving on this.
Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

Regarding a Possible Failure of Communication

Dear Blueblood,

If you sent a reply to my previous letter, it must have been misplaced. I’ve heard nothing for weeks, and I grow increasingly concerned.

Please reply immediately.
Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

Regarding an Unexpected Deprivation

Dear Cousin,

Cousin, something terrible has happened. Of the wines you sent me, I had scarce drunk more than half when my aide Brown Nose knocked over the rack and shattered the lot of them. Useless fool of a pony. Put it about that I’m looking for a new servant, would you?

King Thorax says he can rustle up some aerobats for you no problem. They’ll be heading your way in the next couple of days.

Frankly, I haven’t the faintest notion whether Thorax’s security is adequate. As far as I can tell it is, but I’m a lover, not a fighter, and if the whole thing was a house of cards I don’t know that I’d be able to tell. King Thorax is confident in it, though, and his new head of security seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

Everything else is progressing smoothly. Having reached agreement on the broad strokes of things, what remains is mostly haggling over logistics. Expenses, mostly. Lend me a few of your pencil pushers, would you? Piles of numbers just leave me with a headache, and piles of numbers are most of what we’re dealing with at this point.

My apologies for the delay. Error in transit, I think - I sent an earlier reply some time ago.
Your servant,

Blueblood

Regarding the End of Negotiations

Dear Blueblood,

Pencil Pusher retired last summer, but I can send you Cost Benefit and Red Tape; they both excel at this kind of work. I’d also like to send Tempest down for an independent security evaluation; can you clear that with Thorax?

I’d send you another set of wines, but given how negotiations are going, I expect to have you back in Canterlot before you get the chance to drink them.
Your friend,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Agent Furlong,

There’s been an unexpected problem with the Chrysalis negotiations, which I’d like to discuss face-to-face; please find me at your earliest convenience.
Your friend,

Princess Twilight

Dear Ocellus,

I know you’re very busy right now, but I need to see you and your friends in Canterlot fairly urgently; there’s a problem we might need to have the elements for, and in any case your perspective on the issue seems likely to be helpful.
Your friend,

Headmare Emerita Twilight Sparkle

Dear Cadance,

Could you ask Tempest to come down to Canterlot for a bit? Something’s come up.

Twilight

Spitfire,

Ready the Wonderbolts Emergency Response team, then come to Canterlot. I'll brief you when you arrive.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

Something went badly wrong with the Chrysalis negotiation; we're planning the response in Canterlot. Please come if able.
Your friend,

Twilight

Regarding Debts of Gratitude

Dear Prince Blueblood,

Pharynx told me that you were in large part responsible for unraveling the recent conspiracy against me and bringing about my eventual rescue. If so, I owe you both gratitude and an apology. It should of course never have come to pass that a representative of Equestria was endangered on our soil, but given that failure I’m glad the one to face the danger was you. If there is ever anything you wish of me or the Hive, please don’t hesitate to let us know; we would be glad for the opportunity to repay you even in part.

On a more personal note, thank you for befriending Pharynx. He has trouble getting along with others sometimes, and I imagine it was very difficult for him to make the decision to trust an outsider to the Hive, however necessary circumstances made it.

I expect I will be very busy for the foreseeable future. My impostor used my position to enact a number of policies beyond the ones that brought him to your attention, and undoing such things will undoubtedly be a thornier problem than it has any right to be. And of course Pharynx is going to want to enact as many security reforms as he can manage, and I can hardly refuse him, and the Hive will have to reach some new policy for dealing with Chrysalis’s old loyalists - the current one clearly isn’t working.

But I digress. What I meant to say is this: once things have quieted down around here, however far from now that may be, I hope to visit Canterlot myself. When I do, would you permit me to call upon you? I would very much like to meet you for real.
Yours,

King Thorax