The Perfectiest Plan

by Rego

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Alternate Universe
Length: 1255

"Soon, I will steal all the love in Equestria! Those dummies won't know what hit them!"

"Just like in the stories, ponies keep their princesses in the tallest towers of the castle! I can't believe how dumb they are to tell everyone! First, I'll replace that princess getting married, then I'll... do cool stuff with the love I take, and then Equestria will be mine!"

A last-minute entry for the site-wide Dialogue Only Contest
Preread by: The Sleepless Beholder
Cover Art: Do You Swat It? by Techy Cutie @PonyTechy on Twitter

Now with a Russian translations! Available at FicBook, PonyFiction, and Tabun (Everypony.ru)!
Translation by: GORynytch
Editing and Proofreading: Mordaneus, Oil in Heat (AKA Gannibal Lector), Fogelman, and Taur00

Published 2024-06-15 12:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-15 12:20:00 UTC

Mwee Hee Hee!

“This is too easy. Those foolish ponies won’t suspect a thing! To think they’d so easily tell others where they keep their princesses. Sorry, not-sorry, Mia More… Mi Amurie… Cadenza, but I will be taking your place!”

“It is you who is the fool, bug!”

“What? W-who the heck are—AHH!”

“You dare ascend my tower, break through my window, all to commit a heinous act under the shadow of my sky without knowing who it is you have intruded upon?”

“M-my nose…”

“You shall suffer more than my hooves this night, vile shapeshifter!”

“I-I’m not v-vile…”

“Your ridiculous little illusion will not work on me! Now stand and fight!”

“It hurts…”

“Very well. If you are so content with trying to shake my resolve behind the face of a foal, then I shall relieve you of said false face, deceiver! You will rue the night that you ever tried to—oh dear heavens, you are truly small…”

“I-I’m not s-small! I’mma p-proud Queen of… of… it stings! It hurts so much!”

“Please, let me take a look—”

“No! Stay away!”

“My apologies. I did not mean to frighten you.”

“I’m not scared of you!”

“Nor I you. Please do not cry. If you would allow me to tend to your wound—”

“I don’t need your help! I need your love! Now give up or face the might of Chrysalis! P-please?”

“I, Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria, surrender. Now please allow me to dress your bleeding muzzle.”

“Really? I-I mean, a most smart choice! I accept your sir… sure… your giving-up-to-me.”

“Wonderful. I must say, in all of my long years, this is a first for me. The assassins of centuries past were far larg—err more mature than you.”

“Well… my servants say I’m mature. I’m turning eight next week!”

“Happy Early-Birthday. And you said you have servants? So, you are truly royalty?”

“Yes. I am Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!”

“I see. And you are here to take over Equestria?”

“How did you know that?”

“It seems that most invaders of our land seek to take its bounty for their own. Is that what you seek, little one?”

“Yes? I think? And I’m not little. I’m a big girl now! I have to go get food for my subjects.”

“All alone?”

“Mhmm! It’s my queen duty. And now that you gave up, there will be enough love for everyone to eat forever!”

“Is that what you were after? Then you are wise beyond your years for conquering us. Love springs eternal from the hearts of ponies.”

“Mwee hee hee! I’m gonna rub Pharynx’s dumb, stupid face in it! He said I had to wait till I was older to take over Equestria.”

“Well, I think he might’ve been right. It was dangerous to try to take over Equestria by yourself. You could’ve been hurt far worse.”

“Y-yeah… But my nose feels better now. Thanks, new princess-minion!”

“Of course, My Queen. And please, call me Luna.”

“Okay, Luna. But only because you are being such a good princess-minion.”

“Your graciousness knows no bounds. But I am serious about being more careful. You should know that I once tried to take Equestria by myself.”

“You did? But you're a pony princess!”

“Indeed I am, and it was a mistake to try. I was punished for a long time for my dark deeds.”

“P-punished? What happened?”

“Come, join me on my bed, Your Majesty, and I will tell you the tale.”

“Hey! You can’t just pick me up without my permission!”

“Oh, my apologies. I got ahead of myself. May I escort you to my bed, Queen Chrysalis?”

“Yes, you may.”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“Hee hee! Your feathers feel really soft.”

“You honor me with your flattering words, Your Majesty. Now, before we begin, would you care for something to drink?”

“I will take your best cold water, Luna.”

“Water? Would you not enjoy something more lavish? I think Equestria’s new queen deserves to enjoy the sweetest tastes of victory.”

“But water is all there is to drink.”

“Your lands have only water? No wonder you wish to conquer Equestria.”

“What else is there?”

“Behold, hot chocolate. Brewed from the finest cocoa beans grown in the land.”

“It looks like dirty water. And what are those white mushrooms?”

“Marshmallows, My Dear Queen. I assure you, they and this cocoa are some of the most wondrous treats from my sister’s private collection. Just be careful not to spill. I just had my bed sheets laundered.”

“Okay. I’ll be careful. Oh, I like how it smells.”

“I thought you might. Be sure to partake in the fluffy goodness of the humble marshmallows as well as you savor its delectable wonder.”

“Oh wow! This tastes almost as good as love!”

“I am glad, but please pace yourself, Your Majesty. There is much more where that came from.”

“Really? That’s amazing! What else do you have?”

“If sweets and softness is what you desire, it can be arranged. We have cakes, cookies, and I just so happen to know of a lovely set of clothing called ‘pajamas’ that would serve you well.”

“Yes! As your new queen, I… umm…”

“Demand?”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you want something a lot and will tell others to get it for you.”

“Then yes! I ‘demand’ all the sweets and softness you have!”

“By your will, My Queen. Your cuddliness shall be glorious!”

“Good morning, Lulu. Cadance and I were just going over some of the wedding invitations and… Who are you carrying on your back?”

“Oh my goodness! She’s absolutely adorable! Are those Twilight’s old hoofie pajamas?”

“Shh. She still sleeps. I’m afraid I kept our little infiltrator up a bit too late.”

“Did you say ‘infiltrator?’ I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Why yes, sister. I must inform you that I surrendered all of Equestria to this filly—or nymph rather—when she attacked me in my tower last night. So please be respectful to our new Queen Chrysalis.”

“I see. Then a thousand apologies for speaking out of turn. From where does our new leader hail?”

“The Changeling Kingdom deep within the Badlands if she is to be believed. Luckily, I was able to negotiate favorable terms before slumber claimed her. I hope you don’t mind showering our sovereign with plenty of love and affection, Cadence.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice! Oh, she is just the most precious widdle snugglebug!”

“Mmm… I… more….”

“Well, Lulu, if you were forced to concede to any creature, I’m glad it was to an adorable little queen. Her subjects will be so proud.”

“I wholeheartedly agree. Thank you, sister. I was more than a little worried since Our Little Queen has already laid waste to most of your ‘secret’ sweet stash.”

“She. Did. What?”

“Demand… more luv… n’ cocoa….”

Author's Note

This story is dedicated to the ever important "Audience of One". The one whose life may be made better with a momentary escape from reality. Whoever that one happens to be, I hope you enjoy this story. I will do my best to tell it. - Lord Regulus

A last-minute entry for the site-wide Dialogue Only Contest

What can I say? I'm on a Crosscode Soundtrack kick.

If you find a simple mistake in the GSP (Grammar, Spelling, or Punctuation), please let me know through a private message rather than leaving it in the comment section. Leave the discussions to discussions. Thank you for reading.