“Aaagh!”
“It’s okay, you’re okay! I brought you back!”
“Aaaaagh! Oh, Celestia, there’s blood everywhere!”
“Relax! It’s only yours! I’m fine!”
“Aaaaaaagh!”
“Oh, come on, Sunburst, stop being a foal. You weren’t gone for long.”
“Aaa—ah? Huh. Oh. Oh my…”
“Yes. Welcome back. How do you feel?”
“Umm, not terrible, actually. Oh. And that’s rather nice. Mm. We’re still stu—”
“Yes, yes we are, Sunny. Are you ready to—”
“Hang on, we can’t get back to it just like that! I died! How did that happen?”
“…”
“Yes, Starlight, I can see the gaping hole in my chest. Catastrophic blood loss and heart perforation are the obvious causes of my death. But how did we get here? Everything’s a little fuzzy…”
“…”
“What?”
“Heh. I didn’t think you could get snarky like this. It’s cute. And kinda hot.”
“Hmph! Could we please get back to the topic at hoof? I mean, I remember us having dinner, then going into the school library after closing time, and… Oh. Oh, yes, it’s coming back. What in Equestria were we thinking?”
“Aside from how thrilling it is to get a little frisky in Twilight’s favourite part of the school? Okay, point. Turns out, it’s not the best idea to do it on top of the bookshelves. At least, not in the dark, not at this height, and definitely not with one of these statues directly below. We rolled off the edge and you got, um…”
“Impaled?”
“Yup. We’re lucky it missed me by a few inches, otherwise there wouldn’t have been anypony to lift us off that thing. Can you imagine the amount of paperwork if the students found us like that in the morning?”
“Why do we even have a statue of some heroic stallion with a sharpened lance in the school library, anyway?”
“Well, the repairs for Trixie’s last performance in the auditorium weren’t going to pay for themselves. Prince Blueblood has a very exploitable ego, so it wasn’t hard to get him to make a generous donation in exchange for honouring him with a statue...”
“Wait, that’s Blueblood? It looks nothing like him!”
“I think that’s the point.”
“Huh. Point taken. And speaking of which… Why am I alive?”
“Technically, you’re not. You’re undead. In case you haven’t noticed, you don’t feel pain and you’ve stopped bleeding; you don’t even have a pulse anymore.”
“Wait, since when do you know necromancy? Did Twilight legalise it while I wasn’t looking?”
“Nah. Maud got me access into the restricted section of the Royal Archives when she needed me to bring Mudbriar back last month.”
“…”
“What?”
“You know what? I can live without the details. It’s just… huh.”
“Sunburst, just—Oh stars above why are you prying your ribs apart?”
“Wow. Would you look at that? I can see my coronary arteries. And it’s so weird to feel air touching my insides. Hee-hee, I never knew aortas were so bouncy!”
“Eww, that’s just gross!”
“Oh, come on, Starlight. While I’m here, I might as well make sure everything’s in working order, right? Well, aside from the impalement. We aren’t exactly summer foals anymore, so why waste this opportunity for a free examination? I mean, look—I think that’s a partially blocked artery… I might need to ask Redheart about that. And that lump doesn’t look like it’s supposed to be there...”
“Urp. Gonna hurl!”
“Hey, hey! Not into my chest cavity!”
“Then please stop playing with your organs!”
“All right, all right. Sheesh. You’re covered in my blood and have no qualms about necrophilia—oh, come on, don’t look at me like that!—but you’re icked out by some squishy bits of meat?”
“Blech… Killing the mood real quick, Sunburst. Also, what we’re doing is not necrophilia. Corpses can’t consent; you can.”
“You’ve got a point…”
“Thank you! Now, can we—”
“I mean, raised corpses are bound to the necromancer who raised them, right? How do I know for sure that I’m doing this because I want to?”
“Are you serious?”
“… Dead serious.”
“Okay, trotted right into that one, but come on!”
“Not yet. This isn’t an ethical scenario if we haven’t established that I have free will!”
“Sunburst. Slap me.”
“What? Why?”
“Do it!”
“No!”
“See? You’re not bound to my will. I modified the spell so that you’re bound to yours, which is effectively the same as free will. Can we please get back on track?”
“Yeah, yeah, okay. Phew. Just needed to get that cleared up, you know?”
“I… yeah. Sorry if you felt like I was rushing you.”
“So, is this my life now? I’m a zombie forever?”
“Nope! Just for tonight. I’ll do a proper resurrection for you in the morning.”
“Wait, if you can bring me back to life properly, why didn’t you do that in the first place?”
“That one’s a much longer and complicated ritual, and we were already so close. I’d much rather finish with a mutually consenting partner, thank you very much.”
“So, you basically raised me as a zombie because just because we weren’t finished and you didn’t want to wait?”
“Mm. Uh huh.”
“Wow. That’s kind of... arousing. Oh, Madam Principal, I must report that we have an unscrupulous necromancer on the school grounds. She’s very beautiful, and evil!”
“Oh no! And I see that she has a zombie companion on the loose as well! They must be sent to detention!”
“Oh dear, not detention! For how long?”
“The longest and hardest. Did I mention that you also have virtually infinite stamina in your current state?”
“Ooh, infinite stamina, you say?”
“Mm hmm. The detention. Will last. Forever!”
“In that case… shall we start with the Dragon Pit and then maybe follow up with Grading on a Curve?”
“Buck yes, let’s go! I love you, Sunburst.”
“I love you too, Starlight. And thanks for bringing me back so quickly. I wouldn’t want to miss this!”
“Oh-ho-ho-ho, you're most welcome, my dear Sunnyburst. You aren't getting off that easily!"
"Oh, Glimmy!"
"Dead or alive, you’re cumming with me!”
Author's Note
I've been holding onto this for years, waiting for another feghoot contest.
Oh well, there's always more to come.
And in case you couldn't tell it's a feghoot: this might help.
~~Am I old yet?~~
