Princess Celestia is Addicted to Caffeine

by Lucky Seven

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1507

Seriously, she has a problem.

Ah, sunrise. The perfect time for a cup of coffee!

... or ten.

... okay, fine, twenty.

Seriously, how much caffeine does it take to kill an alicorn anyways? And what is her morning routine like?

Featured on EQD on June 18th, 2024!

Published 2024-06-15 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-15 23:10:01 UTC

Seriously guys, why does everyone hate black coffee? Are y'all racist?

Princess Celestia sat at her desk, coffee in hoof. Papers were strewn about the oak surface, and her inkwell was tipped over. The black liquid pooled onto a particularly important document, staining it with a smudge that could never be removed; something about a divorce between two well-known Canterlot dignitaries. As the ink slowly spread across the parchment, Celestia did nothing to quell it.

She still hadn’t finished her morning coffee, after all. Everypony knew that without her morning coffee, the Princess of the Sun was not to be trifled with. Contrary to what her cutie mark would suggest, she was not a morning pony. Once the afternoon hit and she was able to truly settle in, life definitely got a lot better.

Sip.

The heat of her coffee warmed her throat and soothed her senses. “Ah, medium roast Saddle Arabian coffee is truly a delight.”

A golden glow ran up her horn as she set forth sluggishly shuffling the many loose papers on her desk around. Just how they were organized, she didn’t care. As long as they were in a stack, that was good enough for her. The sound of her bedroom door creaking open drew her attention away from those infernal documents, thank Faust.

“Hello, Princess Celestia!” Her most faithful student called out, trotting into the room. Twilight’s most faithful student was trailing just behind her. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought Starlight Glimmer by. She’s been wanting to see how you handle your morning routi— Oh my Celestia! … I mean, uh, Princess, what is wrong with your mane?”

Celestia reached a hoof up, her eyes scanning her bangs as she ran it through her coiffure. Numerous tangles marred the otherwise gorgeous mane, loose and frayed ends poking out across it. She took another sip of her coffee. “Oh, this old thing? It gets like this before I’ve had my fifteenth morning coffee. Once I hit that, it’ll perk right up.”

Starlight’s eyes widened. “... Fifteen?”

“Well of course!” Celestia smiled. It was a crooked smile, half-hearted at that. After all, she hadn’t had enough caffeine for a full dose of happiness yet. To that end, she took another sip of her coffee. “Everypony needs a nice morning coffee to get themselves going when the sun’s rising.”

“But you raise the sun, Princess Celestia,” Twilight said. “How do you manage that if you need fifteen coffees?”

“Need fifteen?” Princess Celestia asked, tittering and taking another sip of her coffee. “Don’t be ridiculous, Twilight!”

Starlight and Twilight broke into their own nervous chuckle. Starlight spoke, “Oh wow, you really had us going there, Princess Cele—”

“Yeah, I need at least twenty coffees to raise the sun.”

“B-b-but the sun is already up!”

“Oh, that thing?” Celestia said, looking out her window and shielding her eyes as she poured herself another mug of coffee. She always hated having to see that dumb thing in the morning. “I have Luna raise it for me every morning.”

“You have Luna raise the sun!?” Twilight exclaimed. “Princess, that is entirely irresponsible!”

“Oh, please,” Celestia gave the pair a wave of her hoof, taking another sip of her coffee, “I raised her moon for a millennium. I’m sure she can handle raising my sun for the next one!”

“But what about your papers?” Starlight said, walking up to her desk. Her horn glowed a bright cyan as she picked up the stacks and began reading through the many documents. “It looks like you’ve got some pretty important documents here. Don’t you need to get these organized before the end of the day?”

“She’s right, it’s Friday,” Twilight nodded. She beamed. “But don’t worry, Princess, with my organizational skills, we’ll have those documents taken care of in no time!”

“O-oh my goodness,” Celestia chuckled, taking another sip of her coffee. “Do you two think I actually read these? I’ve had enough petty squabbles over marriages and ponies being arrested over stealing a single apple brought to me for a million lifetimes.”

“Wait, but if you don’t read them, what do you do with them?” Starlight asked.

“Simple!” Celestia replied, taking another sip of her coffee. Her horn lit up once more as she levitated two small objects over. One, a paper tray, had the word ‘Approved!’ hastily scribbled on it. The other, a trash can, was already halfway full with numerous unread documents. “I shuffled all of the incoming documents. Then once I’ve had my coffee, I simply throw half of them in the garbage!”

“A-and the other half just g-get approved without you even having r-read them?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” Celestia shrugged, taking another sip of her coffee. “I just toss them towards the paper tray. Sometimes I miss and they land in the trash, too.”

“Princess, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but…” Twilight trailed off for a moment. Suddenly, her body flew several feet into the air as she cried out, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Celestia said, pouring herself another cup of coffee and taking a gulp. “I’m only on my thirteenth cup of coffee. I promise, once I hit my twenty-fifth it’ll be like you never saw morning Celestia!”

Starlight cleared her throat. “Um, Twilight told me you had a pretty involved morning routine. Something about meeting with delegates, going to charity events, holding morning court, and a bunch of other really important political gatherings?”

“Oh, right,” Celestia nodded, taking a sip of her coffee and standing up from her chair. Clearing her throat, she called out, “Amethyst Star! Could you come in here!?”

Twilight and Starlight looked at each other, then back to Celestia. Stepping towards her mentor, Twilight spoke, “Um, Princess, what would Amethyst even be doing h—”

“I’m here!” The mare in question called out, galloping through the doors and up to Celestia. She came to a screeching halt just in front of her. “Sorry I’m late, Princess Celestia!”

“It’s quite alright. Normally I’d be so blindingly angry with you that I would banish you to the Everfree Forest for the rest of time,” she explained, sipping her coffee, “but I haven’t quite finished my morning coffee. Anyways, are you ready?”

Amethyst nodded, and her body glowed a bright golden as Celestia fired up a spell. With a blinding flash of white, the purple mare was replaced with an exact doppelganger of the Princess of the Sun herself. “That never gets easier,” she spoke in Celestia’s regally soothing voice.

“Now go, you’re late for the opening of the new Ponyville Library, and then you have to attend a press conference where you denounce a group of Neo-Neighzies from Manehattan,” Celestia ordered her, taking another sip of her coffee.

Amethyst saluted her before turning heel and trotting right past a stunned and bewildered Twilight and Starlight. “U-um…”

Celestia sipped at her coffee. “Oh yeah, I haven’t left my quarters in about… thirty-six years?”

“W-what?” Twilight asked. “Y-you mean the Princess Celestia I’ve come to know and love was never even you!?”

“Oh, of course it was! I wrote those letters to you, and if you’ve spent any time in this room it’s been me. Other than that, yeah it’s been Amethyst,” Celestia explained, taking another sip of her coffee.

“B-but she’s younger than I am!”

“Oh no, she’s an immortal just like me,” Celestia replied, taking another sip of her coffee. It was really hitting the spot. “She just chooses to remain in that form. So a long time ago we came to an agreement that she would pretend to be me, and I’d let her take whatever she wanted from the Equestrian Treasury.”

Starlight cocked her head. “Is that why Fillydelphia recently went through a really rough recession?”

Celestia nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. “Well, that and I hate the Eagles. I was hoping they’d be forced to sell the team, but I never expected their ownership to actually tax the city just to keep them. Somehow I think that’s even more messed up than what I’m doing.”

“B-but you can’t just—”

“Princess of the Sun,” Celestia cut her student off. “Which means I can do whatever I want.”

Celestia slowly walked over to her bed, taking another sip of her coffee and climbing into it. “Speaking of, I think I’ve worked hard enough today. I’m pooped. I’m gonna hit the hay, you two have a good night!”

Twilight’s head shot to the clock on the wall. “It’s eight thirty!”

“Yeah, it’s super late. I’m normally in bed by eight o’clock,” she replied, taking another gulp of her coffee. “Anyways, don’t let the door hit your flanks on the way out.”

Her horn lit up, pushing the two magically out of her room and slamming the door behind them. With a sigh, and another sip of her coffee, Celestia’s head hit the pillow.

“Faust, I hate mornings.”

Author's Note

idk why I wrote this lol