— I never should have cast that stupid spell.
Casting it was my own fault, but I had thought it would be safe. After all, while the spell in question was mere theory at best, it was only meant to be a viewing spell. Even if it had gone wrong, the most that it should have done was fail.
Not...this.
As far as I am able to surmise (and I cannot test to try and prove my hypothesis due to my current situation), I have entered into an altered state of reality, or perhaps into a space between realities. While I can think and feel, I seem to have no external senses. I have no ability to observe any one plane for longer than a split second, and the times I do see them, the worlds are not my own. The lives are not my own.
Ponies. Sometimes, I see ponies. I see my friends, but not my friends. I see the Princesses, and the town, and the lands outside of Equestria. I see lands outside of Equus. I see the past and the present and the future, all told through split second increments, through slips in time.
I do not see Twilight Sparkle.
Sure, I see my parents and my brother on occasion. I see my old tower in Canterlot, or the home I grew up in. But it's like everything I did has been erased. Not just I am gone, but also missing is any proof I ever existed.
I do not understand. It disturbs me.
As I do not seem to have a horn in this in-between, I am unable to try and scan myself to determine if I even possess a physical presence here. I am wholly senseless. I feel as though I should have a body to move, but if so, I cannot feel it. There is no muffled sensation of grass over my hooves, or feeling of wind through my coat. There is only the void and the flickers.
I think I must have presence. How else would I see them? How can one see without seeing? I look upon these other lives, as there is nothing else that can be done. I am an impartial observer, if only because I cannot interfere. I do not even exist in the worlds I see.
Perhaps "Twilight Sparkle" doesn't exist. Maybe she never existed.
No — I know that's not true. Cogito, ergo sum. I think, therefore, I am. I can think. I can analyze. I can observe. So I am alive. I must exist. But I have nothing to prove this only than the ability to mentally repeat those words.
~~I exist. I'm real. I think, therefore, I am. I am Twilight Sparkle. I exist. I'm real.~~
How can it be that I do not seem to live in these other worlds? Is the spell taunting me, not allowing me to behold myself? Or perhaps this is no spell at all, and is instead some horrible dream borne of uncontrolled fever. But if that is true, where is Princess Luna? Where are my friends? ~~Why does nopony come to help, no matter how badly I want it to come?~~
There's another flicker now. A split second image of my friends. I see no difference here besides Fluttershy, who has no wings. I don't get time to process it before it's gone. It's all of my friends — Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy. But no Twilight Sparkle. There's a space as if I am meant to be there, but it's just that — empty space, out of place. No alternate of me takes the spot, no other Twilight meets my eye. There is just void where there should be something.
I try and take a deep breath, but the task is impossible without lungs to breathe. I'm unsure how panic is even possible when I have no body to react to stimuli. Unless I have a body and cannot sense it? I try for my horn again, but feel nothing. Even trying to remember the sensation of the most basic light spell results in no reaction. I can barely recall how long ago I last cast, but it feels like it's been a long time. ~~It's been a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a year, a millennium since I last was able.~~
I am in the space between worlds, where time doesn't exist. Where I do not exist, not in a way that matters. I am Twilight Sparkle, of the Void Place, of the in-between. I am Twilight Sparkle and I do not exist.
Except that I do.
There's another flash. Princess Celestia, in that strange place where I became an alicorn. But where Twilight Sparkle should be, only space remains.
The yawning void torments me. I have no body, but I want to cry. I have no senses, but I wish to scream. I am a captive audience unable to react or respond.
I should have never used that spell. Maybe I never used that spell. Maybe that was just a flicker, too. Maybe my whole life was only a brief flash in the nothingness. Maybe my only reason for existing was to cast it, and then it was erased like nothing. That was my only task in life, to be the cause that led to this effect.
Twilight Sparkle exists. Twilight Sparkle does not exist. Twilight Sparkle maybe existed, once, but now is part of the space between worlds.
I ignore the next flicker. If I had eyes, they would be unfocused, dull, distant. But I do not. I am a shadow monster mare, if I am still a mare at all.
Cogito, ergo sum.
I'm real. I exist.
I have to keep reminding myself, or I'll forget. It's been so long since I've had a body. It's hard to remember what it's like.
All I ever think of lately (if a term like "lately" applies in a place like this) is regret, that—
Author's Note
Perhaps not my best work, but I wanted to write something after going missing off site for a couple months.
Very, very loosely inspired by SCP-3999.
Thank you eclair_de_xii for catching some typos I missed.
