Three Idiots, One Costume, Zero Light
“Alright girls, on a scale of one to awesome, how was our Nightmare Night?”
“Seven! Sure, being the literal butt of this Discord costume is just hot, icky, and boring, but we still won second place in the costume contest – while being three ponies in one!”
“I still can’t believe we lost to Granny Smith in a rubber horse mask! Rainbow Dash had to have misheard how much applause she got!”
“Sheh whrz deht dern fin ehreh yeeah!”
“What the hay did you say, Bloom?”
“*Peh!* Ah said, she wears that darn thing every year! The only reason ponies voted was ‘cuz of that stupid “missin’ link” joke Dash made! An’ by the way, when we’re back at Scoot’s place, I’m takin’ an extra helpin’ of our candy fer havin’ ta carry it all night!”
“Apple Bloom, we all agreed we’d split it even no matter what!”
“Pff, last year it took ya ‘till January ta finish yer candy, Sweetie! Ya wouldn’t care if we both took a bonus from yer pile!”
“Hey, I’ve had to smell Scoot’s sweaty hooves and butt all night! I think that deserves extra candy more than anything!”
“Seriously? You think you’ve got it bad? I’ve been tied up like a pony hammock between you two all night! I literally can’t do anything except move ‘Discord’s’ wings, and lift up Bloom when we stand bipedal. And that’s on top of smelling her hooves and far–AAAH!”
“Scoot, stop squeezin’ my rump every time there’s a loud crack ’a thunder!”
“S-Sorry!”
“Who schedules thunderstorms on Nightmare Night, anyway!?”
“Sweetie, Rainbow already told you; it’s rogue stormclouds too dangerous for even her to break up!”
“*Peh!* Scoot; Ah need yer keys, an’ quick! The rain’s startin’ ta come down, fast!”
“On it! Just gotta knock ‘em out of the pouch, and… Sweetie, you’re up!”
“Alright. Levitate them down, and… out the vent hole! Okay Apple Bloom, you can pick them up now!”
“I see ‘em.”
“Ack, Sweetie, move back! You’re folding me in half!”
“Sorry!”
“Ah got the keys!”
“Hurry up! I need to pee a little!”
“I’m tryin’, Scoot! ...Got it! Alright, everypony inside!”
“Girls, wait! I just tripped on the candy bucket!”
“Just levitate it! I’m startin’ ta feel raindrops blowin’ in sideways!”
“Grab my scooter too!”
“I can’t even see it!”
“Ah’ve got it. Alright, I’m closin’ this darn thing up!”
“…”
“Geeze, my ears are ringing. Rarity or my parents always have me inside before–YIKE!”
“AAAAH!”
“Scoot, what did I tell ya about huggin’ my rump?!”
“S-sorry Bloom! Alright, let’s get out of this costume before we–“
“Hey!”
“...Bloom, did we lose power? It’s hard to tell in this thing.”
“Yeah, an’ now I can’t see an apple-pickin’ thing!”
“Well…I’ve got at least one flashlight upstairs in my bedroom.”
“Let’s get out of this stupid costume first. I ain’t trudgin’ upstairs in the dark with you two still tied ta my rear!”
“Ooh! I can cast a light spell inside this thing to see where...aha! There’s the zipper!”
“OW! What the hay was that for, Sweetie!?”
“Sorry Scoot, the zipper snapped off.”
“What.”
“Oh fer cryin’ out loud…”
“It’s just...oh.”
“Now how the hay are we gettin’ outta this thing!?”
“I could just cut it. Sure Rarity won’t be happy, but–“
“NOPE! I am NOT trusting you with scissors in the dark! I don’t need my wings any smaller than they already are!”
“Okay, okay! I’ll just – *rrgh* – tear it then. *Ngh!* *HHHNNNNNGGG– GUH!*”
“Ya okay there, Sweetie?”
“...Yeah. *pant* The good news is, Rarity definitely used quality fabrics for this. The bad news is…I can’t tear it.”
“Ain’t that just great. This Discord costume is bein’ just as annoyin’ as Discord himself sometimes!”
“Hey, we can still try cutting our way out once we get the flashlight.”
“Right. Okay crusaders! Upstairs we g-OW! Ohhh...”
“Apple Bloom are you okay!?”
“Yeah, just bumped my muzzle is all… Okay, movin’ ta the side of the wall… Forward...STOP! Alright, we’re gonna make a right turn an’ start goin’ up the stairs. I’ll count, an’ Sweetie, you march in sequence; got it?”
“Mm-hmm!”
“Okay! One! Two! Three! Four! … Thirteen! Fourteen! Fift-WHOA –!”
“Apple Bloom, wha–MMF!”
“OW!”
“AAH! Ooohh…Mah head…Sweet Celestia…”
“...Scootaloo–...Apple Bloom–...you’re–...on top of me–…*gasp* –Better!”
“What happened, Bloom? You just shoved me straight back into Sweetie!”
“Huh? Oh uh, sorry. I thought there was gonna be another stair.”
“Pleh! Ugh, Scootaloo! Some of your tail hair is still in my mouth!”
“You think I want your slobber all over it?!.”
“Alright, let’s try this darn thing again. Sweetie, ya ready?”
“As I’ll ever be…”
“One! Two! Three! Four!”
“Heh! I’m almost like a pony swing like this!”
“Thirteen! Fourteen! Okay Sweetie, bring up the rear!”
“I’m here!”
“On ta Scoot’s room!”
“We’re actually doing pretty well despite– OW!”
“You okay, Sweetie?”
“Apple Bloom took the stupid turn too tight and slammed my hip into the doorframe!”
“Pfff...oops!”
“Hah-hah! Guess you’re built more like your mom than your sister!”
“Oh very funny!”
“Now Scoot, you’re...uh...you’re gonna have ta tell me where ya keep the flashlights.”
“I think there’s one in a top drawer of my dresser.”
“’Kay...let’s see...Ah think this is a drawer. Yep. An’...I think there’s some kinda stuffed animal in here…”
“AAH!”
“Oh, well lightnin’ flashes help. It’s a really colorful cat plush.”
“Oh uh, that’s...Mr. Rainbow Kittycorn. He’s…a uh…a-a snug..snuggle buddy when I’m scared…”
“Scootaloo! I thought I lost him years ago! You were only supposed to borrow him when nopony was home to watch you!”
“I did! I’m just…home alone every night now…and he reminds me of Rainbow Dash…a-and a deal’s a deal!”
“Ugh.”
“Okay, movin’ on. Drawer two has… Hang on...vhere’s eh tahwl hehre.”
“Oh! That’s Rainbow Dash’s First-Day-as-a-Wonderbolt towel! It’s got every drop of sweat from every part of her!”
“*PLEH!* AW, SCOOT! I was holdin’ that in my mouth!”
“How do you think I hold it?”
“Well I certainly wouldn’a guessed like that!”
“You know, for somepony who hates gross stuff way more than the rest of us, you seem to throw it all out the window when it comes to Rainbow Dash…”
“Sweetie, sacrifices must be made for the legacy of Ms. Awesome herself.”
“Drawer three… Hey! This one actch’ally has a flashlight! Just gotta find the switch an’...uhh...AW COME ON!”
“Let me guess, that’s ‘Rainbow Dash’s First Wonderbolt Flashlight’ or something?”
“No, that’s in my Rainbow Dash-shaped safe of all things Rainbow Dash. This one’s just my normal one…but I uh – heh – forgot to change the batteries in it.”
“Oh fer the love of Celestia, Scoot…”
“H-hey, it’s fine though! I’ve got fresh batteries in a box at the top of the narrow closet downstairs!”
“Alright, ‘cmon girls… … One. Two. Three. … Fourteen. Fifteen!”
“Apple Bloom, are you at the– WUAAH! AAAhhhh! Owww., my rump…”
“Geeze, Sweetie, are you okay?”
“No…somepony didn’t wait until I was at the bottom before charging forward!”
“Heh…sorry ‘bout that.”
“Rrrrgh.”
“Okay, I think Ah’m at the narrow closet. I’ll try walkin’ up the sides of the doorframe; Sweetie, you lift Scoot on the count’a three, okay?”
“At least I don’t have to lift her on my sore butt.”
“One, two, THREE!”
“NNNGGHH!”
“Whoa! Okay...Ah’m steady. Now, uh...I feel a cardboard box. Is that it, Scoot?”
“Yep! Just pull it out!”
“’Kay...*Hngh* Hmm… Hey Sweetie, ya mind seein’ if ya can help levitate this? It’s kinda heavy an’ ain’t slidin’ easy.”
“Sure; I just need to…”
“Heh...HA-HAH! Sweetie, your magic’s tickling my rump! Ha-ha!”
“Sorry Scoot! Just hang tight! ...Okay, tugging on the box.”
“AH HAH HA-HA!”
“Darnit Scoot! I can’t STAY BALAN–“
“AAAH!!”
“D–OW! OOF!”
“Apple Bloom!? Scoot!? You girls okay?”
“Uuugghh...on the head again…”
“Sorry girls...Sweetie’s magic is too ticklish!”
“Let’s jus’ get the darn batter– WHOOP! Oh fer cryin’ out loud! They spilled everywhere!”
“Oh crap…”
“What do you mean, ‘oh crap’? Were you hiding another one of my plushies from me!?”
“I-I don’t know how we’re gonna tell the good ones from the dead ones!”
“I–… Scoot, why the hay do ya even have dead batteries lyin’ around!?”
“Well I don’t always feel like walking to the trashcan!”
“Fer the love of Celestia, it’d take ya like 10 seconds!”
“Alright, calm down girls! Let’s just try some and see if they work. Did either of you bring the flashlight from Scootaloo’s room?”
“My hooves are literally trapped in this suit.”
“Uhh…whoops?”
“Well there goes that. Nice going, Apple Bloom.”
“We can just trot back upstairs an’–“
“NO! My flank isn’t suffering through your awful stairclimbing again! We’ll just wait until the power comes back.”
“Aw, but I’m hungry! …And I still have to pee.”
“Ya want me ta make ya a sandwich, Scoot?”
“Yes please!”
“Well what’d’ya – Ooh; careful of the batteries there, Sweetie – What’d’ya want, Scoot?”
“Hmm...let’s see...I’m thinking lettuce, spinach, daffodils, swiss, provolone, munster, tomato, mayonnaise…”
“How ‘bout ya get two veggies, one cheese, an’ that’s it because I can’t see worth two bits.”
“Okay, okay, fine. Just do lettuce, tomato, and munster with mayo.”
“Hey Scootaloo, do you ever make that pasta and potato sandwich Rainbow likes?”
“Eh, I’ve tried. It’s not as good as Dash’s mom makes it though; but she loves stopping by to make me one every Saturday!”
“Aw that’s sweet!”
“You know what’s weird though? Rainbow Dash always seems to vanish the minute her mom shows up.”
“Gee, I can’t imagine why she’d wanna run away from a family member shoving baby pictures in her friends’ faces…”
“Okay Scoot, yer sandwich is done! An’ Ah only came close ta cuttin’ myself twice while makin’ it!”
“Alright! Slip it down the front!”
“Down the hatch!”
“Awesome! *hamf*...EUGH! *PLEH*! Bloom!”
“Oh c’mon! I did exactly what ya asked!”
“When the hay did I ask for salsa!?”
“...Oh whoops, I must’ve mixed up the jars…”
“Well there goes my appetite…”
“Alright, this is ridiculous! I’m callin’ Applejack!”
“Apple Bloom, do you hear how much thunder there is?! Rarity was livid the last time I tried to step outside in a storm!”
“Yeah well maybe Big Mac can come by. Ah heard Twi say stallions are more likely ta survive a lightnin’ strike anyw– MMH! Okay, that’s it! Ah’ve had enough of these stupid walls, I’m gettin’ ice!”
“What’s the matter, Apple Bonk? Hit your head again? *Pppthp!*”
“Sweetie, lift on three! One, two, THREE!”
“*Nngh*! ...Lifti– AAAHHH MY EYES! THE SALSA’S IN MY EYES!”
“SWEETIE I CAN’T HOLD BLOOM–!”
“HORSEAPP–D’OH!”
“YEEP!”
“My eyes… Bloom? A-are you okay?”
“Moth’r a’ Cel’stia…”
“Scoot?”
“S-Sweetie…d-don’t...move…”
“Why? What’s wr- Oh please don’t tell me my horn is where I think it is…”
“T-trust me…it feels way worse for me!”
“Ewww…O-okay...just hold tight.”
“Sweetie, don’t tell me you’re gonna levitate me off of–Yee-hee-hee! Sweetie no! Stop! It’s – heh-heh! Ha! Hah...wooo… O-okay! NEVER do that again!”
“I don’t plan to. I’m just glad you didn’t pee on me.”
“AAH! THUNDER!”
“Oh come on, that does your bladder in!?”
“S-Sorry…”
“Guess we can call ya ‘Scoota-loo’ now! Ha-ha!”
“Very funny, Apple Bonk! How’d you like another knock on the head to go to sleep with!?”
“Scootaloo!”
“What?”
“You have to keep ponies with a concussion awake! Rarity says that otherwise, they can end up mopping floors for the rest of their lives!”
“Pffff, c’mon Sweetie, Rainbow Dash has slept off plenty of concussions and she’s fine!”
“Dinky’s mom had to tell her where her house was when we left. And didn’t you say Wonderbolts take turns mopping the barracks and locker rooms?”
“Heh-heh! Ah shoulda told Applejack ta sell Dash more cider – make ‘er forget which way the ground is! ...Now Ah feel thirsty… Let’s see...think that’s the milk bottle...now Ah need a saucepan…”
“Apple Bloom, what in Tartarus are you making?”
“Glass’a warm milk. You said it was bedtime, didn’t ya?”
“Buh– How are you gonna make it!? My power’s still out!”
“Oh. Well, here’s some cold milk if ya want it!”
“AH!”
“Ack! Okay, that’s it! I’m taking Scootaloo’s side; you’re going to bed, now!”
“You two’ll have’ta catch me first!”
“Bloom you’re tied to– AUUUGH! Sweetie, DO SOMETHING!”
“SHE’S –Ow! Corner! –Towing me too!”
“*WHOOP!* *NNGH*! Darn batteries…”
“Eugh, Bloom!”
“Hah-hah! I avenged ya Sweetie! Scootaleak’s now got a face full’a apple gas!”
“Well I’m going to avenge her by towing you straight to–”
“Wait a sec’, freeze y’all!”
“Well that’s easy, you just shocked me and Scoot with a cold milk bath!”
“I see a light approachin’ the door! It’s blue an’ getting’ brighter!”
“Apple Bloom, nopony’s gonna be outside in a thunderstoR– AAH, IT CAN KNOCK! ”
“W-what does it look like, Bloom?”
“A-Ah see a...a blue helmet! IT LOOKS LIKE NIGHTMARE MOON!”
“N-Nightmare Moon!? But Rarity said the elements killed her!”
“HER GHOST IS HERE TO EAT US AS REVENGE!”
“IT’S OPENIN’ THE DOOR!”
“EVERYPONY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!”
“Wait! ...There it is! EAT MILK BOTTLE YA FILLY-EATIN’ GHOST!”
“Wha– AAH, MY MUZZLE!”
“APPLE CHEST-BUCK!”
“*OOH-HUH!*... At least I have a brushed-steel chest plate…”
“Nice going, Bloom!”
“Ah ain’t done yet, Scoot!”
“Wait girls, I think I recognize that voice!”
“THREE PONY SWEEP!”
“WUHAHA! UUF!”
“Take that, ya filthy Nightmare Ghost!”
“You little monsters are DEAD!”
“AH! RUN FOR IT, BLOOM! Just watch– OOF! The stairs! Oh...my ribs...”
“Apple Bloom, wait a se– AH, my rump!”
“Yer bed better hide me, Scoot!”
“Hey, turn your flank longways! I’m not gonna hang over the side again!”
“Just watch the hoofboar– Ow! …Ooohhh, I hope my hip isn’t broken after all this...”
“Quiet Sweetie, I think she’s comin’ up the stairs!”
“Quick, Bloom, throw a blanket over us! Here!”
“Oh come on, Scoot! Now my mouth’s touched that stupid towel twice!”
“I hear the hoofsteps!”
“She’s almost ta the door!”
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH–!”
“ENOUGH DARLINGS!”
“… –AH.”
“Hey, that don’t sound like Nightmare Moon!”
“...Hi Rarity...”
“Hello, Sweetie. May I ask why – after trudging through a torrential downpour soaking wet, unable to see three feet in front of myself, with the constant threat of being blown down or fried, all to make sure you and your friends were safe – I was welcomed by a milk bottle being smashed across my face face, a buck to the chest, being knocked clean off my hooves, a minefield of loose batteries to slip on, and being treated like an awful B-movie monster!?”
“Sorry sis…”
“Yeah, we’re sorry Rarity…”
“Now, why in Equestria are you all still in that costume?”
“Sweetie broke the zipper. Bloom and I didn’t touch it.”
“I see. Well in that case…”
“AAAH!! NIGHTMARE RARITY’S GONNA STAB US WITH SCISS–NNHM!“
“Apple Bloom, please! You I expected better from!”
“She uh...kinda hit her head one too many times…”
“...Of course. ...There. Now you’re free, Sweet– GOODNESS DARLING! What happened to your poor face!?”
“Ask Scoot-the-loo and Chef Apple Blind…”
“Hey, I ain’t blind! Ah was our best eyes the whole time!”
“And you girls didn’t think once to use a flashlight?”
“Blame Scoot’s battery-sortin’ skills.”
“Hey, wait a minute! They were sorted until somepony kept tickling me while–“
“DARLINGS!”
“...”
“Thank you. Perhaps we should stop our arguing and get cleaned up? ...As well as get Apple Bloom some much-needed ice for her head.”
“Oh yeah, Ah think the freezer’s still open from when ya dropped me like a rock earlier.”
“Uh Bloom, that means all the ice I have is gonna be like half-melted.”
“Horseapples.”
“...Sweetie darling, never ask me to make a three-pony costume for you and your friends ever again.”
“I don’t plan to.”
