An inky warm weight pressed into her side and her front and back and lower and upper. There was no up or down here, no future or past, just infinite time and time and time! She drank it in, bathed in it. She felt that sweet relaxation.

This is bliss.

And bliss forever more. She could forget the day ahead, it wouldn’t come for her here. No more princessly duties awaited her here.

Princess? Who, me?

Massive pillars of ruffled feathers and outstretched limbs laid across the sea of a quilted chamber. The weight around her was in her, it stretched her out and out! Thinking thoughts of herself had led her here. She tasted the vigor of the years before her, those times she worked for nothing.

Why was I there?

She looked through a doorway, her heavy eyes gloomily stared at the pile of unwashed clothes that was her life. Her computer begged for attention, but so did her boyfriend. She recoiled from his spikey command.

I wish I wasn’t here. My mind has been to better places than I’ve ever set foot in. I don’t want to go back there.

A creeping cackling smile ripped her heart open to the warmth again. There wasn’t anything here, she could always return to the void of nothingness.

But there is something out there! It calls me to serve and live and love. I want to see Celestia’s dawn!

A wave traveled up and down her spine, her head was up, her hooves were down, there was a direction to things.

She was laying down on her back. Her heart banged against the confines of her chest.

She shot up. She was in bed.

The loft bedroom was totally dark but for the night sky piercing through the nearby window. The moon’s rays coolly illuminated the star patterned sheet that covered her. The hot air below her sheets crashed into the cold air that had swallowed her face. Her breaths were shallow and quick. Her sound was drowned out by the rustling of the Golden Oak’s leaves just outside.

Her whole body was shaking to pieces, her muscles threatened to rip themselves free from her bones. Her right hoof crept into her vision as she brought it up to her muzzle.

She was real. It was real. She could feel everything.

Who am I?

The question tumbled in and down and up and through her. Her whole body pondered it. There were two yesterdays, two days before yesterday, two days before the day before yesterday. She had two names, she lived in two houses, she had two jobs.

She had one body now—right now. She was in just one bed. She felt no fingers, no toes. Her shark plushie did not lay against her. She looked to her left and saw only the empty expanse of the room below her loft. Her study desk sat in darkness, as it should. The twisting rounded stairs which led down to the foyer or up to her loft was just as it always was. This wasn’t her room, though she knew distinctly that it was.

She had moved to Ponyville, became fast friends with five others, the elements of harmony. They had defeated Nightmare Moon, Discord, Queen Chrysalis. She had become a princess. Her name was Twilight

She had moved to Texas to live with her lover, away from all of her family, never seeing them again. She had gone to bed in her cramped loft last night. She hated her fry-cook job. Her name was Mary.

The creaking wood threatened to crash into her mind. Her boat on the sea of memories was filled with an alarming amount of water from the rising storm. She leaned back and forward to counteract the tilting of her mind’s ship. Her forehooves wrapped around her torso. She felt her chest spasm and heard herself breathily chuckling.

She was Twilight now. She had always been Twilight.

Her boat rocked against the tides, it threatened to topple into the water again and again, but it never did. Somehow she stayed upright in that storm. Her wings flapped, and her ship threw itself to the side, she had wings now and their sensation was going to kill her. Twilight forced her wings folded with a grunt. She frowned so hard her face hurt.

For a brief moment she sat upright, unmoving. The tides threatened to come in again, her face scrunched up as she pulled her hooves tighter against herself. Her dry throat let out a moan, then she cried. She buried her face down, her whole body curled into a ball sat against the headrest. Her chest belched out breathy moans.

Memories flooded through her, filling her mind with a viscous warm mucus of hate and grief.

Mary had gone to bed night after night wishing she could just be reborn again, wishing she could wake up in a new body. She’d had that wish fulfilled somewhat before. She always wanted to be a girl, and in every way those around her who met her saw her as one now. But, life was nothing like the colorful cartoons she grew up with.

Her parents didn’t talk to her much anymore. When she’d told them she was engaged, they told her they wouldn’t come to the wedding. That’s just how things were. Her parents she had loved her whole life said ‘fuck you’.

No more. She was Twilight now.

Her lungs burned as she let out a long moan of sadness. She fell forward, banging her hooves against the sheets. The warm gunk of her old life that had soaked within her now poured out through her tears. The only thing she could hear was the sound of her own wailing. Her body was drained, and she went limp, her face thoroughly buried into her bed. Her cries died down somewhat.

She felt a claw carefully press into her hoof. It was the familiar careful touch of Spike. She must have awakened him. Her muscles ached as she dragged herself closer to Spike’s caressing. He hugged her. Her body shook, and she turned her head to face him. His appearance was warped through her teary eyed sight, but she knew he was worried for her. Twilight could barely remember the last time she was like this, and so she couldn’t remember the last time Spike had to see her through this kind of pain.

Still, she’d never seen him, at least not in person. Her imagination raced at the idea of getting to meet him again. His hold on her tightened, she could feel his heart beat against her. Her heart fell.

Does he really know me, am I not the same? Will he hate me?

Her face painfully grew a frown again, as new tears fell. She ripped herself away from his touch, her weak muscles straining to give might to the motion. She had to get away to keep him safe from her.

Spike said something to her, but she didn’t hear it.

“I’m sorry,” she cried out in a long moan.

“What are you sorry about?” said Spike.

“I’m not me anymore!” Twilight roared into a new bout of wailing.

With shaky limbs she pushed herself away from Spike. Further, further away.

I don’t want to hurt him. I’ve reveled in war. I’ve endorsed countless suffering.

I’m nothing like the ponies I grew up alongside! Not anymore.

She pulled herself fully under her covers. Her breathing became more ragged, as her well of tears ran dry. She laid there and occasionally twitched.

Her bubble submarine dived deeper and deeper away from the land of cheery and loving friends. The darkness overtook her, and she let it in, she kept it in to keep those outside safe. Some force pressed against the walls of sheets that surrounded her, and she pulled them in tighter. Her chest stopped moving. She laid completely still, unbreathing, for a long moment.

“Twilight?” said Spike, his question a reflexive response to his growing worry.

Her lungs filled with sand, her throat felt like it had walked a hundred miles. She allowed herself a shallow breath, as quiet as a mouse.

Don’t move and he’ll go away.

Spike took his claw away from where Twilight was and instead clutched them close to his chest. His eyes stared deeply at the unmoving bulge in the bedsheets. He thought about what could have possibly happened to make Twilight so upset. He hadn’t seen her like this in a long while, and now she’d sequestered herself away from him completely. His heart pounded deeply. What else could he do if not hold her?

Spike tore his gaze away from Twilight, and out the window. Luna’s moon was still some ways away from setting. He looked over to his basket-bed. His eyebrow twitched from the pang of a suddenly growing headache. With a deep breath, he turned away, and made his way down to the kitchen. Perhaps, he hoped, an early breakfast would be good for her.

Twilight simply laid in her bed, and continued to drown in anguish.

***

What if I’m not good enough anymore?

The bottom of the ocean came closer, she was close enough to touch it.

I’ll never have friends anymore. How could I relate to anypony with half of a human mind?

It pressed into her and through her and she was buried by it.

I don’t want to lose my friends. I want to meet them anew, I want them to help me.

A strain she didn’t know was there dissipated, as it passed her by.

I want to live here peacefully.

She went down and it passed her, the veil was above her, and a new sea below, and so further down she went.

Could I learn to live again? Could I ever fill Twilight’s place?

The waters grew brighter, she was coming out of the sea, new air was just above!

Can I call myself Twilight?

She lifted a hoof up, pushing the blanket away to reveal the world to her. She looked out the window to see the coming sun’s rays cast long blankets of warmth which blended against the waning night sky. She was in her bed in her library home in Ponyville. She pressed a hoof against her chest as she inspected her body.

“It’s still hard to believe this is real.” The room’s overbearing silence took over as soon as she finished speaking.

Her sight was drawn to the room below her loft. Her eyes wandered across the scene with newfound appreciation for the clean and curvy naturalistic design of a home made from the inside of a tree. It felt like she’d been dropped into a fantasy story. She realized, in really all regards, she had been—or at least half of her had been.

She felt her heartbeat quicken as she thought about that distinction between her two halves. She was two in one now, but not like the depictions in so much media, instead it was as if she was truly one being who’d lived two lives. There was no second thought stream. She felt like there should be someone else, that she should be able to talk to Mary or Twilight as another being in the same room.

She sat and stared into the dark room awaiting something to speak to her. The rustle of leaves outside her window was all that greeted her. Twilight twitched as the smell of pancakes slid into her nostrils. Her gaze fell to the stairway which curved around down a tunnel leading to the first floor. Spike was probably making breakfast. At the thought of food entering her gullet she recoiled, her face scrunching. The strain to keep herself sat up suddenly doubled. The bed begged that she stay put, so she did. She pondered on the taste of Spike’s pancakes, imagining the sugary syrup coating her tongue. She smiled at the idea, a tired and small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. She felt the strain of her chest as her lungs filled with the cool night’s air. Slowly she exhaled, and a tinge of relief pushed into her. She took a couple more deep breaths, slowly managing to somewhat pull herself out of her saddened stupor. She relaxed her muscles as her head fell further back into her pillow.

“This is Equestria for goodness sake. I have to believe things will get better. I know my friends, both from my time with them and from the show. I have to believe that they’ll all be there for me,” Twilight said, staring at the ceiling.

She imagined her collection of friends before her all wearing smiles of acceptance, maybe a few were reluctant smirks though—she wasn’t sure. She imagined Pinkie before her, her hooves holding on to her own as they stared straight forward to each other. A soft and loving grin—very unlike Pinkie—plastered the face before her. Pinkie's eyelids were half-shut. Her eyes were the bright blue of a cloudless midday sky. Twilight’s increasingly powerful heartbeat broke open the scene before her. She looked down towards her form hidden beneath her sheets as she watched her chest rise and fall heavily.

She knew from which life these thoughts came from. Twilight’s mind was flooded again with distress, she froze staring ahead with wide eyes.

I want to be Twilight. Do these thoughts make me not her? It definitely makes me different from how I was before. Is that good? Is that bad? What am I anymore? It all feels so real though, it’s all my thoughts. Can I really just push aside a part of myself as not the real me?

She waited for answers, or perhaps more worries, to come, but her mental tirade suddenly ended. She focused on the empty noise of her brain. There was still nothing. A branch creaked outside. Still no more coherent thoughts came. All was silent. Slowly her breathing came up to a normal pace again. Maybe, she thought, this was a sign it was all going to be okay.

I need to categorize this.

The fact it had taken her so long to reach this conclusion again brought forth the concern about just how much of old Twilight was lost. Her eyes twitched. The need to categorize had punctured her standing peace, and her body filled with a hot vigor. Her muscles gained strength from nowhere. She threw off her covers and leaped out of bed.

She stood on all four hooves. She felt hunched over, but she knew she wasn’t. She pushed her forehooves off the ground. Her stomach lurched, her body contorted. She stopped herself from falling backwards as she stood on just her hindlegs. She felt stretched out, but she knew she shouldn’t be. The weight of her body balancing on her hind legs was as if she had put a loaded saddlebag on just her lower back.

Twilight fell forward onto all fours again. The feeling of being hunched over returned. She took that feeling and slammed it firmly into the wall of her mind, away from her focus. She spun around to go somewhere, anywhere. She thought about writing something down. With an experienced understanding of her body, she trotted her way down from her loft. She made a mental note on how easy it was to actually walk around still. Twilight’s weight shifted uncomfortably close to tripping over. Twilight stopped her movements.

Scratch that, I still have to focus on walking.

Twilight continued her walk at a slower pace. She sharply rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs and was soon before her study desk. Right as her eyes leered at the blown-out candle it was suddenly alight from her magic. Her face contorted into a grossly gruff painting of anger. Her stare shot down to the drawers and out they opened, their contents of paper and ink and quill flying out to arrange themselves neatly before her. How useful magic could be. She snorted as she frowned at the ready materials.

A quill touched into the inkwell with a tap tap tap, and was just as suddenly floating above a sheet of parchment. Twilight’s frown slowly twisted into a broken mess of confusion. The quill did not move. She stood staring into that empty page for a while. Not a word came across her mind.

With a heavy breath she loosened the tension in her muscles and slowly lowered her face down onto her desk. She slumped her body down onto her haunch. Her magic dissipated and the quill dropped onto the paper.

“What the fuck do I write?” Her outburst caused her hair to stand on end.

Her hooves slowly traveled up to reassuringly press into her chest. She imagined old Twilight standing over her, looking at her as a mother looks disappointed at her child for coming home with a ‘D’ in Spanish.

“Yeah, I’ll curse less,” she dejectedly affirmed. Her eyes scrunched as she forced herself to not roll her eyes at it all.

Twilight’s face went blank.

“Yeah…Yeah,” she played with the feeling of the word on her tongue.

The sounds coming out of her mouth gave her a chuckle.

“Speaking, speech, spoken, spoke, spike, speep,” she gave a chuckle at that last word.

Twilight’s body shuddered with a giggle as she toyed with her words.

“Heh, I’m Twilight Sparkle. Dear Princess Celestia.” She imitated old Twilight’s occasionally formal tone surprisingly well.

Twilight rose up straight. A smile spread across her muzzle and her eyes earnestly joined in for the showing of good fun, squinting in that way a real smile makes them. Her brow suddenly furrowed in a display of playful determination. She thumped a hoof against her chest and her face tensed as she pushed her larynx down as far as she could.

“Ah. Bah. Test, testing,” she said in a surprisingly good impersonation of a stallion’s voice.

She gasped for air, her body decompressing suddenly. She giggled and giggled, returning to her normal voice.

“Okay, okay. That was actually really scratchy and bad, but that’s a fun party trick I have now.” She rolled her eyes.

“But, I still like my normal voice a lot more. It’s just so…Twilight,” she affirmed with a nod.

Her tail flicked, not wagged, flicked. The motion caught her full attention as her eyes turned back to her rear. The expressive tail was something that she both knew about and did not expect. More importantly, she knew what it was her body was reacting so positively to and what it was that a tail flicking expressed.

“Gosh, I kind of like my voice a little too much.” Twilight chuckled nervously.

Her neck craned over to the parchment as she quickly planted herself upright on all four hooves. The quill came under her magic and wrote out ‘I like my voice’ as a bullet point. Twilight grinned at the addition. Endorphins rushed to congratulate her work. Progress—in her mind—had been made. Her brain scrambled to create addition after addition to the list, sure to write down whatever observations came to mind. This gave such insightful notes as: ‘I have one mind’ and ‘I’m a mare, and a girl’.

The smile that graced her face wore away like a stone in a stream, as she stared at one bullet point in particular. The ink still fresh on the page read ‘I’m Twilight’. She closed her eyes, but the image stained itself into her mind. She shook her head, and took in a deep breath.

“Am I really Twilight? It’s not hard for me to tell that both sides of myself want to be her, but can I really claim to be?”

She thought of her names, of her parents. Twilight Velvet and Night Light, John and Sarah. She’d changed her name before, she knew many who did and for so many reasons. When she first started going by Mary it was like a hole had been filled in her heart, or like she was really known by others for the first time. She felt that same missing piece in her name.

Her face exploded into excitement as a revelation overtook her thoughts.

“My middle name! My parents never gave me a middle name!”

With a quick few strokes of the pen, she righted what was wrong. The note now read ‘I’m Twilight Mary Sparkle’. It was common for some ponies to not have middle names, but some did and now she did too.

The hole is filled.

A warm tingling electricity spread out from her chest as she read over the note again and again. The name pressed into her consciousness, twisting and burrowing deep into her psyche. Twilight felt its journey through her, as it spread its tendrils into every part of her. She allowed the name to subsume her with a smile. As it nestled and writhed in her thoughts, her grin only grew. Her forehooves tapped against the wood floor excitedly. In short, it felt really good, like a good cold beer with honeyed bread.

There are so many topics uncovered, so much I still don’t understand, but this is my name!

Twilight’s name shielded her, it gilded her in fine clothes, and gave a pep to her step. Her chin raised high, as she looked over to the stairway which led down to where that delicious smell of pancakes still emanated.

Wait, fine clothes?

Twilight twisted her head back to view her behind. The obvious was confirmed, she indeed was nude. The tickling notion of nudity crawled its way slowly down her barrel, licking along her underside until it reached her rear. Her tail flicked. Her marehood screamed out suddenly for attention. The two mounds near her crotch found their nipples hardening.

And of course ponies have crotch-tits.

A shiver traveled up her body ending with a shake of her head. Twilight firmly grasped onto these lewd feelings and shoved them into a drawer. She forced her eyes forward, and her tail down to cover her, but she couldn’t help but hold a nervous smile as she walked down to meet Spike anew.

Just, focus on your memories as Twilight and don’t freak out over this…please.

She took a deep breath.

Besides, Spike’s like my little brother. This’ll go very well.

***

Spike held the plate of warm pancakes. His eyes fixated on the thing. The gradient of heat between the still cold plate and its contents was like a vast expanse that stretched from his thumb atop the plate and his pinkie claw below it. He couldn’t help but to imagine Twilight again as she was this morning…hiding. Their distance from each other then felt equally as wide. Spike brought his vision back to what was in front of him now, these pancakes. He hoped that the sugary meal would do good for Twilight’s nerves.

Spike’s eyes turned to the foyer, just beyond the small archway connecting it to the kitchen. His view in the kitchen was aided by a single lit candle, but that warm glow did not reach far enough to illuminate the still cold main floor of the library. Celestia’s sun was still not close enough to provide any kind of light through the windows high up near the ceiling. A chill ran down Spike’s spine. He’d kept as much of the library in the dark as he could in an attempt to not disturb Twilight if she did manage to rest her eyes once more. However, now he was going to wake her anyway. Spike turned his attention to the electrical light switch near the front door.

As Spike left the kitchen, his meaningful strides came to a stop as he heard Twilight walking down the stairs. His head swerved over to see her, and was surprised to see…a smile. He blinked a few times, attributing his perception to the still dark room. Unprepared, he realized a greeting was in order.

“Oh, hey Twilight. I, uh, I made you some pancakes.” His forceful smile oozed worry.

“Good morning Spike. And I know, I smelled it. I’m really excited for them.” Her face still held a soft smile.

Spike was rooted in place as Twilight came up to him. His smile faded and his brow furrowed as his eyes stared deeply into the mare’s expressive face. Her appearance was now barely more visible as she was close enough for the candle light in the kitchen to blanket one side of her.

“I’m sorry about this morning, actually I wanted to talk to you about it while we eat.” Twilight traveled right past him and into the kitchen.

A hint of worry was on the tip of her muzzle. Spike stayed put, only his head swiveled to track her as she passed. Twilight slowed, her head turning to face Spike.

“Come on, Spike,” said Twilight with a gesture towards the table.

The light bulb in the kitchen flooded the room in searing fluorescent white as Twilight flicked the switch in her magic. Spike made his way to one of the kitchen chairs at a careful pace. Twilight took a seat with the grasp of her magic, as Spike placed the plate he was carrying onto the table. The wooden chair pressed into his scales as he sat on it, the usually rustic charm was absent this morning, replaced by the cold embrace of dead wood.

Spike could see every facet of Twilight’s emotions now in clinical detail as she sat before him. Twilight shuffled in her seat, and Spike saw her veneer drop for a moment, her muzzle scrunching and her brow furrowing in worry and not simply discomfort. Her image did not truly recover even as she forced the smile to return, it became tainted by that show of fear.

“Thank you so much for this meal, Spike,” said Twilight as she took a fork in her magic.

Twilight’s fork stopped just as it was about to pierce into the top pancake on her plate. One of her eyes twitched and her smile was gone again in an instant. She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.

I guess I’m still doing this.

Twilight shuffled in her seat as she brought her forehooves to press together before her. She bowed her head and closed her eyes. Spike watched this display with nervous interest. His brow only raised more when he heard Twilight mumbling something quietly. Even in the near total silence of that kitchen, he couldn’t make out a single word. Before Spike could formulate a question, he jolted as Twilight suddenly spoke one word loud enough to hear.

“Amen.”

Twilight’s head came back up as she huffed and rolled her eyes, before quickly returning to how she was just before that strange display. She took the fork again in her magic and shoved a pancake into her muzzle.

He watched as Twilight enjoyed the food. Spike let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in.

“So, uh, you said you wanted to talk about this morning?” Spike gulped.

Twilight’s eyes widened, and she strained to quickly swallow the food filling her mouth. Her smile was cold. She looked straight into Spike’s eyes.

“Yes. I don’t know how else to say it, but…” Her eyes flicked away from him, and she nervously licked her lips.

“When I woke up, it was like I suddenly had the memories of another life.” She gasped for air.

“It’s like I had the most detailed dream of a whole twenty five years of living.” Her eyes only grew wider as her gaze returned to Spike’s eyes.

“But, it’s also like I woke up suddenly having the memories of Twilight and being in her body instead of mine.” Twilight fidgeted in her chair. An ear of hers flicked. Spike noticed her growing frown as she continued with her voice much softer and deeper than before.

“Spike…I, I’m not the same Twilight from yesterday. Trust me, I wish I was, but I’m not.”

Spike hadn’t taken a breath since she began. His heart was pounding. A meek and shaky smile slowly grew on Twilight’s muzzle. Her eyes darted around, searching for the right words.

“I feel like I’m meeting you again for the first time, even though I still remember all of our time together.”

Spike’s heart was like a candle just before it went out.

“So, hi, my name is Twilight Mary Sparkle.”

Her soft smile was completely genuine, every ounce of fear and hope within her poured openly from it.

Spike was frozen in place, staring into what felt like a monster. His imagination ran wild in fear and hope. He wanted her to say she was joking, that everything wasn’t like some weird delusional nightmare. He felt the ridges of the wooden chair pressing into him. It wasn’t a dream. His eyes darted around studying her body, her face. He thought back to a memory of Twilight laying beside him, the warmth of the blanket and the young filly beside him made him feel so safe. He remembered her reading him a story from a book kept open and up as it rested on a mound of other books. The only light in that cool room came from a single candle. He remembered looking into her face and watched with awe how her mouth—with a smile—moved to form the words of the story. His vision returned to the present and he thought of the inside of Twilight’s mind, as if as he stared her down he could view it with x-ray vision. A swirling mass of tentacles wrapped itself around one side of her mind. She had been infected by something, something other than his big sister.

He felt tears welling in his eyes. With a shake of his head, he jolted, moving his claws up to wipe his eyes clean. His chest felt like it was being squeezed. He fought the tears back and looked once more to the mare across him. Her smile was gone, replaced by a worried frown. She did not utter a sound. Spike’s mouth opened, and he licked his lips, feeling how dry they’d become. His throat was clenched like a vice. His lungs pressed air in and out with great difficulty. He took a long breath in.

“You’re serious aren’t you?” He thought it was a stupid question.

“Yes,” she replied.

He couldn’t fathom what to do, like somepony had just seriously asked him what the answer to dividing a number by zero was. There was no solution he could find, no words that conveyed what he felt. He stared down into the table, his mind elsewhere.

Twilight took slow deep breaths. Her lips stretched into a long line, as she carefully grabbed another pancake by her fork and took a small bite into it.

A pang of pain shot through Spike’s head. He brought a claw up to nurse his headache.

“Okay. So, you’re telling me that you’re…two ponies in one?” Spike guffawed when he finished.

“Who’s the other pony?!” His voice rose to almost a shout, as he continued.

“Is it Mary, why did you say your name is Twilight Mary Sparkle?”

“I mean, did you dream this, is it real? I don’t…” He stared up into Twilight’s eyes, as his tone quietened.

“I don’t understand.”

Twilight kept that same unsure expression.

“I’m pretty sure it wasn’t some dream. I…I don’t even know the full extent of what changed.” Her eyes drifted off, trying to access her memories.

“And it’s not another pony. I—and I know this is going to sound unbelievable but—I guess I merged with an alien. I don’t even know if the being I merged with is from the same universe, let alone from this planet.”

Spike suddenly felt much more sure this was some kind of ruse, but he trusted that expressive face too much to not lie to him. His claw clenched harder against his temple. He sighed.

“Okay…so what did you ‘merge’ with.” Spike tonally added scare-quotes around that word, ‘merge’.

Twilight gave a nervous smile, as she rolled her eyes.

“Well, I merged with a human named Mary. She…she actually knows about Twilight through fiction. You see, where she came from our exploits were like a fairy tale. Me, you, our friends.”

Twilight chuckled before adding, “and no, I’m sure she’s not the reason this happened. I really don’t know why.”

Twilight’s voice grew quiet again, as she fidgeted in place.

“I—Mary, I mean—actually really admired Twilight, and always wished she could be her. So, I guess she got her wish.”

Twilight’s frown deepened as she stared into Spike’s eyes. Spike, for his part, had difficulty keeping his gaze on Twilight. He forced his vision up to her eyes and became instantly fixated on them. He felt like he could see her trapped behind those eyes.

Twilight spoke, “I really truly want to be Twilight. I want to live here peacefully. I want to live with you here, and have fun with all my friends and be the best pony I can be.” Her eyes pleaded to him to listen.

“I hope you’ll accept that, accept how I’ve changed. I want your help to live as best as I can.”

Spike’s head bowed as he cupped his head in his claws, his elbows pressed into the table. There was no answer on what to do. Nothing came.

What would Twilight do?

He sighed deeply.

“Okay, yeah. I’ll do that, Twilight.”

Twilight’s face finally showed relief.

“Thank you.”

Spike looked up with a shake of his head and a tired smirk.

“Don’t mention it.”

Spike reached over, placing a stack of pancakes on another plate before him, and ate. Twilight joined in. The two ate together in silence for a long while, enjoying the fragile peace. Twilight smiled as she finished another pancake.

“Thank you again for these pancakes, they really are very nice,” Twilight said.

Spike spoke through the food still in his mouth, “Mhm, you’re welcome.”

Spike gulped down his food.

“By the way, we have some errands to run today, remember?” Spike’s eyes stayed on his plate as he spoke.

Twilight stopped herself from taking another bite. Her brow furrowed as she looked down at the table. She’d completely forgotten about today's errands. Her stomach recoiled at the idea of going out today.

“Actually Spike, I was wondering if you could take care of those for me today. I uh, well, as you could imagine, I’m still a little shaken up about this morning and I’m not sure if I’m ready to see anypony.”

“Sure thing,” Spike replied.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Spike shoved another pancake down his throat.

***

Spike and Twilight had mostly been silent since their discussion that morning. Spike occasionally felt the urge to ask for clarification on some question about Twilight’s new situation now and then, and Twilight always answered to the best of her ability. No small talk beyond that was made. Twilight had contented herself with sitting at the kitchen table, her eyes always staring off into the distance at some unseen thing. Spike left the kitchen as soon as he was finished eating, and was gathering everything he needed for the day.

Twilight watched as Spike rounded the archway into the kitchen from the main room. He wore a bag which bore the heavy imprints of the load of books to be delivered inside it. A scroll with a checklist of errands drooped from his left claw. His face bore a look of simple determination.

“Alright Twilight, I’m gonna go do those errands. I’ll be back a little after noon,” he broke the silence.

Twilight’s eyes widened as she jumped down from her chair, and quickly brought Spike into a hug. He recoiled from her touch at first. Twilight’s grin turned sour as she tried to shake off the worry that came with that observation.

“Be safe, and have fun,” she said.

“Thanks,” he dryly responded.

Twilight waved him goodbye as he quickly made his exit out to Ponyville, the morning sun now blanketing the town in a warm glow. The door shut, and she was alone.

The air of the room felt like it was more still than just a moment ago. Twilight felt more warm than just a moment ago. Her eyes grew wet as they darted about the room. She felt trapped, looking around from book to book, knickknack to knickknack, she paced around the circular floor. Her speed varied wildly. She looked for something to save her from this growing pressure the room was exerting on her, like she was caught in a great vice.

“Okay…what do I do?” She repeated that question again and again.

She stopped in her tracks, her head whipped around to the stairs.

“My notes!”

She trotted her way up into her study, and yanked the night’s writings over to her in her magic. She quickly made her way back to the foyer. Plans formulated in her mind, a grand machination of interconnected ideas. She’d need a lot of writing space. The circular table that sat as the center piece for the main room was the focus of her attention. Quickly she pulled parchment, ink, and quills in her magic from nearby drawers on the wall and laid all of them out to cover that table. Twilight sat before her collection, ready to repeat this morning’s venture to categorize.

Twilight stared at her assortment of writing materials laid out before her, as if waiting for them to jump up and sprout wings. The sound of the Golden Oak’s branches creaking in the wood was all that met her. She sat there—doing nothing—for a long while. Slowly she grew uncomfortable.

The silence rang in her ears. Her thoughts were a garbled mess of nothing. She was tired as hell. Suddenly she shot up on all fours, and cast a quieting spell on the room, making it so no sound from that room would travel out. Twilight immediately began screaming and laughing maniacally. She moved erratically around the room, kicking and squirming and bouncing. She let out the entirety of the pure waves of emotional confusion that she’d compressed up until then. It wasn’t long until she calmed to just pacing around the room in a circle.

“Okay, Twilight! And yes, I am Twilight! Let’s figure this out.” She did not hold back her volume an inch.

“First things first, I want to live. Check. Good, still got that.” She hoofed herself in the face a little harder than she should have.

“Duh, duh duuuh~ Of course. Ugh, whatever. Okay, ‘Neurotic Twilight’, what now?” She made air-quotes with her hooves when giving herself that nickname.

“Well, we’ve got super-nice-ultra-asexual-good-girl Twilight mixed with neurotic-trans-teenager-level-sexual Mary. Oh, yeah, and not like Twilight wasn’t already Neurotic. Good.” Twilight slumped down onto her rear, she felt like a deflated balloon.

“I really shouldn’t beat myself up like this. I’m still a princess. I’m still Celestia’s star pupil. I can handle this. Besides, it’s not all that bad…right?” Twilight stared down at her hooves.

“Okay.” Twilight took in a deep breath, then let out a long exhale.

“How does my mind work now, how would I classify it? Well, this is definitely not a typical ‘two minds in one’ scenario. As noted, I only have one stream of consciousness, and—besides particular oddities—I don’t seem to disagree with myself. I have only one set of values, that set of values just so happens to be some amalgamation of the values from two lives.”

Twilight chuckled.

“That’s right. I’m also a fictional character, at least from one perspective.”

Pre-Twilight—the mare had decided on calling pre-merge Twilight just ‘pre-Twilight’ for the sake of quick communication during these musings—never knew Mary. Mary, however, did know about Twilight. From Mary’s perspective, Twilight was a fictional character from a television show. Mary knew so much about the show and its fandom from years of indulging in it. Mary adored Twilight, and always wished she could be her, or be with her, or both.

“Which brings me back to that idea that I have a, let’s put it simply, sexual and romantic interest in myself.” Suddenly Twilight grasped at her head with a hoof and pulled at her hair.

“Okay, I get it, I want to bang myself! I really need to concentrate!” She took a deep breath, as she stopped herself from yanking her own hair out.

“So, things that Mary knows.” She started circling the room again.

Mary had knowledge about things that hadn’t happened to pre-Twilight yet. And yet, because of the mind-merge it was just another thing she knew, no more or no less important than any other thing. Twilight knew that this couldn't stand for long. It would be a long and laborious process, but she needed to come up with plans for the future based on this knowledge.

On a new parchment she wrote in large bold lettering, underlined three times: “Future Plans”

She pushed these concerns aside for now. She needed to tackle one thing at a time, she had side-tracked hard from her original effort, so she returned to writing more of her musings. It wasn’t long into this that she finally decided to stop. It felt like she’d done almost nothing. Everything she wrote was obvious to her, yet she could hardly retain it. The simple fact that ‘this was her situation’ was still seemingly impossible to internalize within the time-frame she was given. She decided to go down another avenue.

“Likes and dislikes. What are things that Twilight and Mary liked, and what are they now?”

The first concept which came to her was her favorite color, which was now very light blue. Which, as simple as it was, was interesting to observe. Mary’s favorite color was white, whereas pre-Twilight’s was a dark blue. This observation seemed to show that Twilight’s current interests were simply some sort of middle ground between the two minds that merged.

So, on she went to test this hypothesis. Immediately she was hit by a brick wall. Her favorite meal, what in Equestria was it?

Mary’s favorite meal was porkchop with broccoli. Pre-Twilight’s was a hayburger with hayfries. Twilight fell to the ground, defeated once again. There was a fundamental inconsistency in her desires. The memories of Mary enjoying meat clashed with the memories of Twilight enjoying hay and flowers.

She perked up. “Eggs!”

She at least agreed on enjoying eggs. It was one of the few meat-adjacent products that Ponies consumed, and pre-Twilight had enjoyed some eggs for breakfast occasionally. Though thinking on it, she now would rather have them scrambled than sunny-side-up, which was Mary’s preference.

So there did seem to be places where one side trumped another. Perhaps in an area where that mind had been particularly more adamant in that conviction than the other. She had no clue.

For all she knew, it could have been determined at random. Nevertheless, she added “scrambled eggs” to the list of likes. Still that didn’t solve the original problem. She could not determine her current favorite meal. It simply eluded her. She tucked this thought into a drawer.

Twilight continued in her list making, never reaching a solid conclusion as to how her likes and dislikes were determined. She kept track of how many were determined in what way, ‘combine or collapse’—as she put it. She kept track of how many fit into different regions of life. No pattern emerged. The only relevant data being that more of what she had noted fell into the ‘combine’ category where the previous mind’s likes and dislikes were put at a middle ground.

In addition, while it wasn’t something that was easily put onto a list, her likes and dislikes were much broader and more accepting than before. If before Twilight had liked A and a little B, and Mary had liked C and a little B, then it usually ended with her liking B for certain and liking A and C a little as well. At least, something to that effect occurred frequently.

One interest she had, however, continually crept into her thoughts. Over and over again, the feeling of the open air against her marehood stymied her stream of thought, threatening to topple her over. That part of her clawed against the cage she’d shackled it to, whining, begging, pleading for attention. Every time she thought of her desire to fuck herself silly, her stomach would fill again with a nervous buzz. But she knew she had experience with solving this sort of problem, she had relieved herself many times before while feeling no qualms—at least Mary had. Pre-Twilight was, as she knew full well now, asexual. She wasn’t quite aromantic, but certainly her interest in others had been limited. Now however, this was an area that Twilight couldn’t help but feel was—perhaps unfairly—dominated by Mary’s mind. But now it was her mind.

Those years and years of frequent masturbation, and sexual and romantic yearning was very much a part of her as anything else. Just as she had no problem with her favorite color being light blue, she had no problem with her increased sexuality. It just was. She had lived it, and it was her. Knowing it once was definitely not her from one half’s perspective made her uncomfortable. Twilight wished she could just get rid of that fear, or just get rid of her desires, something.

‘The’ thought however, the one which had been plaguing her this day, was of her attraction to herself. Mary, at least later in life, found herself to be somewhat attractive, but this was different. This attraction was how you felt towards another, yet it was herself. She knew it was herself, she felt it, and yet… her breathing grew hot. Knowing that she was right here, and in her own body made her feel a need to take control of it, to make herself do things, say things, feel things. She could feel her marehood tingle at the thought.

“Oh, fuck,” she moaned.

Is this right?

If I want it, then it should be okay, there is nopony else here, it’s all my wants, my decisions, right?

But am I in the right state of mind?

The mechanics of her mind eluded her, she certainly didn't feel well read enough on the subject. She felt that she could be trusted with important decisions, but that wasn’t the same as truly knowing. Still, she was an adult, nopony else was involved, it was her right to do this. Even as she debated it internally, she had walked her way down to her storage in the basement, and left carrying a full-length mirror in her magic. She shuddered in anticipation as she brought it back up to the first floor. Once it was placed she sat before it and stared deeply at her own reflection.

Her fears melted away into the background as she looked at her form, warmly lit by the morning sun cascading around the room through the high up windows. She placed a hoof upon her chest and slowly traced it down to her thighs. There wasn’t much sensitivity yet, but the motion did elicit a shiver from the mare.

She softly chuckled when she remembered a certain detail. “Oh yeah, tiny crotch tits,” she giggled, “very nice.”

The playful horny mood was diminished as she felt the hardwood floor scratch uncomfortably against her bottom. With a shrug she stood up and made her way up the main stairway. Most of the soft pillows and sheets she owned were up in the bedroom. As soon as she had line of sight with the pillows on her bed, they were in her magical grasp and following her back down. It was then simple work to amass the pillows before the mirror. Twilight made controlled deep breaths, and consciously worked to relax her muscles as she sat down on her pillows in front of the mirror again. The mood had been lost from the escapade, so she worked at bringing it back up. She carefully rubbed at her marehood, exploring the feeling. Somehow, it felt exactly how she expected it to, yet it didn’t.

She had no experience. Mary was trans, and hadn’t been able to get bottom surgery; Pre-Twilight simply never bothered to do much with her body. She stopped her movements. Twilight’s face scrunched as she wrestled with the difficulty of pleasuring herself. With a deep breath she resolved to continue. She thought about how many nights she had dreamed of an opportunity like this. She waited as if some force—some thought—would come to stop her, as if pre-Twilight would appear before her to shout at her to stop. None of it ever came, but still the twisting in her stomach remained.

Again she brought hoof to her nethers and felt that magical tingling feeling return, though she kept her movements very slow. She didn’t focus on the motion, instead she looked deeply into the mirror. She turned and squirmed in place, as her eyes walked along all of her body’s beautiful curves. Her heart felt warm, she pressed a hoof against her chest, feeling her heartbeat. Her wings slowly spread out in excitement.

She looked down directly to her marehood and imagined the sensation of another pony tasting her lower lips. She’d remembered a particular piece she’d seen as Mary depicting Pinkie giving Twilight a “traditional Ponyville welcome” by doing just that. Her extensive imagination took over. Her lower legs bucked as a jolt shot out from her pussy. Her exploratory rubbing increased as she searched for what felt good. Whenever finding anything good she latched onto it. She’d occasionally feel the flap of her wings, when her body shuddered in pleasure. She at least knew what and where the clit was, and that helped. Though she tried to not, perhaps, overburden it. She wasn’t sure how much that should be a concern.

The waves of pleasure were aligning into a good rhythm, but it wasn’t fast enough. She continued to focus on the thought of Pinkie gleefully licking away at her, her tongue probing deep into her folds, and she could feel it. Pinkie was a freak, with no regards she’d drown herself in Twilight’s quivering pussy, and so her movements quickened. Twilight’s breath was heavy, almost panting, but all of this still didn’t seem quite enough. Twilight whined, calling out for more.

With a look of nervousness she attempted to pleasure herself with her magic. She wasn’t the queen of magical precision that Rarity was, but sure enough the feeling of her magic pressing deeper into her folds along with her hoof rubbing hit just right. The sensation blasted her back. It was really like she was receiving. Suddenly she was moving much quicker. Her wings flapped crazily yet gently along with her movements. She was still so clumsy, occasionally losing some of that good feeling she’d found, yet she’d recover and continue to work and work towards climax.

She closed her eyes, transporting herself to the scene in her head. She could see Pinkie’s perfectly round rump moving from side to side as she planted her muzzle firmly into Twilight’s pussy. Twilight saw Pinkie’s face, blushing, eye-lids half open. She saw Pinkie enjoying eating her out. The thought made her chest feel warm, it made her feel so fulfilled. Twilight felt herself running a hoof through Pinkie’s hair, feeling Pinkie’s head bob and twist and turn as Pinkie’s tongue hit a sweet spot. Even as she imagined it, Twilight believed she could really feel it, like Pinkie’s tongue was really there, devouring her marehood.

“Oh, Pinkie!” she moaned.

Her lower legs bucked, her body twitching and writhing in pleasure. It felt like forever. Her body aching from the overwhelming movement coursing through it. She went faster and faster, her magic going deeper inside her.

Her thoughts fixated on imagining that feeling of Pinkie eating her out in as much detail as possible. It felt like it took forever until finally—

“Ah! Fuck!”

Her body shuddered as she came. Her hoof shakily continued to rub as she basked in the feeling. Juices poured out of her folds and coated her hoof, trailing down to the pillows below. Her breathing was heavy and hot. Her whole body felt warm. Her marehood tingled in an amazing way. This was very much worth it.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Twilight came down from that high. She stretched out her wings fully and fell back onto the pillows, her whole body was tense and shaky. Her limbs occasionally twitched. A smile grew across her face as she softly chuckled.

She was still so inexperienced, it had taken a lot of work to get to climax. And still, she felt, it probably could have felt much better. Despite that, she was very certain that this had been a good idea. She could very easily go again if need be, though maybe some rest was needed for her tense muscles. The only thing she could compare the experience to was orgasming as Mary. It actually felt very similar to post-hormone-replacement-therapy climaxes. Which was very nice.

Her soft chuckling slowly died down to a nervous breathing. She’d just masturbated to the thought of coitus with Pinkie, her friend. Twilight has not only Mary’s desire for herself now, but also a desire for her friends and many other ponies besides—both sexually and romantically.

She found the way it melded into her memories with her friends, from pre-Twilight, was interesting. In one night, she’d gone from having five friends, to having five friends she wouldn’t mind having sex with. She wouldn’t mind banging herself too if it was possible.

“This is so messed up. Or, at least, I know it should be, but honestly, I think this is so nice…though it is probably going to make things a little awkward in the future,” said Twilight in a low, slow tone

With all of this thought of sex and whether it was a good change or not came the thought of her religion. The concept of being religious was completely foreign to pre-Twilight, but now, with the mind-merge—and everything that had happened tonight being beyond reason—she may now be religious. She had already been religious as Mary, but separating what she had been and hadn’t been was a game of impossibilities, as both could be true simultaneously now.

She slowly got up off the pillows and onto her hooves. She couldn’t have herself falling asleep, not today, today was too important. Though she really hated that she had to think about her religion now, especially right off of masturbating. Mary had been a considerably liberal Christian, she was trans after all. She attested that she’d been visited by Christ on at least one occasion.

“What does it even mean to be Christian in Equestria? There’s no Bible, no Christ that came here. I’ve always been of the opinion that it’s not impossible that other aliens were out there and that they had their own Christ and their own Bible, but there is none of that here.” She began pacing around the room again.

“Is the reason I’m even here because of the Lord?”

Twilight chuckled and rolled her eyes. Even in Mary’s life she’d been back and forth on her religion. Still, she could remember how much hope and love she felt coming back to Christ after her transition. Whenever her thoughts wandered to leaving the faith, a scratchy small string pulled against her heart. Twilight was a mare of science and reason. Though even Twilight had experienced phenomena she couldn’t explain. Pinkie was a notable example, there was an entire episode dedicated to it. Twilight pressed a hoof into her temple. The idea of being able to recall your memories as they really happened and as if they were some television episode was ridiculous. She couldn’t put the feeling into words. Every time she thought about it, she wondered if the entire experience somehow invalidated her existence. Perhaps, she thought, she was inside a work of fiction right now. She shook her head clear of that line of reasoning.

Twilight thought back on how she’d prayed before breakfast. Praying before a meal was a tradition Mary carried over from her partner, and at least somewhat from her own family. When she’d done it then, she’d felt that same tug that compelled her to do it. She couldn’t help but feel at the time that it just wouldn’t be right to eat without a quick prayer. Until she could figure out her true feelings, and as long as that sense of wrongness would keep, there wasn’t much she could do but continue on.

Twilight sighed. She resolved to continue praying to God, for now at least. She felt like she was hedging her bets rather than truly believing. It wasn’t going to be as sincere of a belief as before, but maybe it’d be useful. Upon coming to this conclusion, Twilight decided to make a quick prayer. She knelt down on all her legs, her chest and stomach against the floor. She wasn’t sure how she should kneel in this body. She closed her eyes, and like a curtain of darkness they veiled the world.

“Lord, if this is your doing please send me some kind of sign. I don’t know how to follow you here, if I can follow you here. I don’t know if you’ve ever been with me for sure.”

Twilight’s memory was cast back. She was still a boy then, a teen. She laid in her bed. The room’s featureless overly orangey beige walls were dimly lit by the lamp beside her. It was her parent’s house, the one they still lived in. Her chest felt like it was filled with a porous gunk. Her whole body felt pinching and pressing pain. It felt like a magma slime had infested her nasal canal. She had been kept awake for that entire night, rolling from side to side with no relief. She laid with her back against the headrest, looking ahead in a haze of grief. She begged for it all to just end. As quickly as she could blink, she saw the hazy image of Christ at the foot of her bed. Before she could react in panic she felt her sickness leave all at once. Her grogginess overtook her, and she slept.

Twilight’s teeth clenched, as she took a deep breath.

My mind was clearly playing tricks on me…right?

“Lord, I don’t know. I’m unsure. I know you’ve heard that from me so many times.”

Twilight focused on relaxing her muscles, and taking controlled breaths.

“But if this is your doing, then thank you. You’ve granted me a life I thought impossible. I’ve prayed so many ‘thank yous’ as Mary for allowing me to transition so gracefully. If you have dominion here, I hope that your grace continues.”

Twilight’s legs ached to get up off the floor and far far away from this ‘conversation’.

“In Jesus Christ my savior’s name, amen,” she finished with haste.

Twilight nearly jumped up, with a loud sigh. Her right eyebrow felt like it was being tugged on with how much it twitched. The stain of disdain still tainted her heart, yet the strings of habit still held firmly to her. The sense of relief she hoped for never came. Her head shook about as she stomped in place, her body trying to remove these feelings as if it were some physical parasite riding her that she could just buck off.

Every sense felt multiplied as she replayed the prayer again in her head. The position was certainly not comfortable.

“Speaking of that being a weird position to pray in,” she said.

Multiple times tonight, there had been moments where she’d felt a want to make some maneuver that would be completely non-sequitur for a pony to make. The moments had been so fleeting, so quick, and always staying in the back of her mind. Looking back on the night until now, though, the discovery of this mental quirk explained the low-level constant tension she experienced. It was not enjoyable.

Her mind had two sets of reflexes, two short life’s worth of experience, in two very different bodies. And now she had to only use the experience from one of those lives. Considering how a lot of her brain merge had occurred, it seemed unfair to her that she had to keep so much of her human motor skills which were now completely useless.

It reminded her of the ‘favorite food consideration’ from earlier. She tried not to think about it much, but yes, she did now have a degree of desire for meat.

“Speaking of the differences between Mary and Twilight’s body…” Twilight said as her gaze turned back down to her nethers.

It wasn’t until this moment that Twilight ever thought about her missing member. It was gone, and now her body made sense. Being in a pony body did complicate that, but as she thought about it, she really liked this form—and not just because of pre-Twilight’s experience with it. Something about it just clicked. For both sets of memories, for all of her likes and dislikes, she entirely agreed that this body felt correct…except maybe the wings. That was still something she was getting used to. Yet, again, as the thought of having a dick came over her, she couldn’t help but wonder. A wandering unease, like a fly that couldn’t be swat, traveled through her. She knew, though it wasn’t something Twilight ever thought of much, that there were ways to magically exchange one’s genitals—at least temporarily. Twilight made an attempt to catch that unease within her in a cup.

“I guess…I wouldn’t mind having one every now and then…you know, for fun.” She chuckled.

It had been a long while since she’d written anything. She wondered if she was losing grasp of her ability to organize, or that perhaps she had overestimated how organized she used to be. Both sides of her were organized to some degree, but very unorganized in other ways. She thought of her friends recoiling as they watched her do something un-Twilight-like. The thought made her heart drop. She really hoped she could stay friends, not just for the sake of the fate of Equestria, but for the sake of her future love life. She really hoped she could get with a mare.

“Maybe Pinkie…I like TwiPie too much” She shook her head clear of that line of questioning.

She thought about her friends. She now had half of her memories of not being friends with them. She’d also just lost access to all of her friends from Mary’s life. At least she had Twilight’s friends. Both sets of memories knew just how valuable those five ponies were. Those five would go to impossible lengths for her sake. They had proven so time and time again, and she knew from Mary that they would have continued to as well. Still, it was a strange situation. The very idea of them being friends with her when she literally was only half of the same pony they had called their friend was crazy. Despite everything, Twilight smiled.

“They’ll stay with me, I just know it.”

She laid her head down on the center table. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath in then out. She rested there for a while. She listened to the creaking and groaning of the Golden Oaks. The din of early morning ponies going about their business was just barely audible. The air had grown warm from the sun’s rays now bathing her tree home.

Not a coherent thought went through her head for a short while. It was a fragile peace, held for but a few moments. Twilight appreciated that peace while it lasted. She’d pushed through the initial confusion, she’d made it. Now the rest of the day would be a marathon rather than a sprint.

Slowly she opened her eyes again, and wrote.

Author's Note

First chapter of first fanfic. Diving into the deep end, like I shouldn't be, by making "the big fanfic".