Cards Not For Consumption

by marmalado

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1186

Pinkie Pie decides to be a petty mare.

Following her humiliating defeat, Twilight has gotten advice from Starlight about the best ways to play Animon. She's ready. She can, and will, beat Pinkie, and the Animon World Championship is the place to do it.

Getting into the Championship, though, might be harder than she thinks.

An entry into the third Thousand Words Contest, in the Comedy category.

Published 2024-06-20 18:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-20 18:50:00 UTC

It's Either This or Use AI to Cheat

The hall that was set to be used for the Ponyville Animon Championship was quite small, perfect for a town with a small population. As Twilight and Pinkie walked, they couldn't help but observe the tables at the very end of the hall, with judges standing at each one of them.

"Oh, Twilight, this is so cool!" Pinkie shouted, in an effort to make her voice echo as much as possible. "I've been to Championships before, but never have I seen anything like this!"

Twilight playfully rolled her eyes. "I bet you say that about every hall and room decorated for the Championship."

"Yeah, but this one is special!"

As they began to approach the tables, Twilight reached a hoof towards her saddlebags. "Well, anyway...are you sure you want to do this? I've improved quite a bit since Starlight gave me some pointers."

"Pff. Starlight isn't even that great of a player. I've played against her before. She always scoops up her cards just before I can land a finishing move!"

"She didn't do that with me."

That got a nicker.

"Hello, ladies." said a gruff-looking stallion. "Here to sign up for the Ponyville Animon Championship?"

"Yes indeedy-do!" Pinkie reached into her saddlebag and pulled out her deck, encased in a clear container with her cutie mark layered on the top. "Here's my deck."

"And here's mine."

The stallion looked through the decks carefully, muttering something incomprehensible that Twilight was sure were numbers. Beads of sweat began forming on her forehead, her heart racing as she waited for the verdict. She had read up on the rules, checked her deck at least one-hundred times, and kept it in a magically-locked safe until signup day came. She was ready.

"Your deck is fine, Ms. Pie." The stallion slid Pinkie's deck towards her. "As for you, Ms. Sparkle, I'm afraid your deck is invalid for entry."

"WHAT?!" Twilight slammed her hooves on the desk. "Why?! I-I checked and made sure...there's...it's..."

The stallion put the top back on the deck and pushed it towards Twilight. "You have a card missing. If your deck doesn't contain exactly sixty cards, it's invalid."

Her expression twisting into shock, and then into pure rage, Twilight counted each card of her deck individually, saying the numbers aloud so the other judges could hear her. Sure enough, she came up with only a mere fifty-nine. "I..."

"I'm sorry, miss. Once your deck has sixty cards, it may be re-entered into the Championship."

"Don't worry, Twilight!" Pinkie patted her friend on the withers. "We can always come back."

"Signups end today."

"...Uh, or not."

Twilight's eye twitched. Her brain lost any sense of rationality, coming up with what would have been a theory even Starswirl would have laughed at. "You."

"Me?"

"You messed with my deck, didn't you?" Twilight pressed her nose against Pinkie's. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Lies!"

By this point, Twilight was becoming enough of a nuisance to attract other judges to the table. Not that she noticed them, of course -- she was going to expose Pinkie for all it was worth.

"I kept my deck in a special place in the castle. You've been to the castle!"

"Once! F-for lunch!" Pinkie's stomach growled. She clutched it as hard as she could.

"I should've never let you out of my sight."

"Twi! Don't you trust me?"

"Yes! But when it concerns my Animon deck, I draw the line!"

Pinkie's stomach suddenly growled again. She lurched forward, clutching her bulging cheeks. Instinctively, Twilight began backing away, so her hooves wouldn't get caught in the disgusting torrent to come.

What came out, however, was some saliva, and...

"My card!" Twilight's declaration was practically a screech. She held the card up in her magic, gently shaking it free of only a tiny bit of spit. "It's..."

It was a Basic Animon card with a card-drawing Ability. Twilight's perceptive mind pinpointed it as a Sprogue. Not a powerful card, but precious all the same.

The judges exchanged shocked looks. Pinkie sat on the ground with her head bowed, her body heaving with coughs.

"You ate my card?" A nod. "But...I...why..."

"I..." Another cough. "I tried to get you disqualified. I was afraid to lose. Especially to somepony who moved up the ranks as fast as you did."

It was true -- Twilight had beaten a good portion of Ponyvillians after her training. "Pinkie, have you ever lost a game?"

"Of course I have! But...losing really hurts..."

"I know. But the important thing is to have fun, isn't it?" Twilight rubbed her leg as a small blush crept onto her cheeks. "Besides, I bet there are other really skilled players here who are far more experienced than I am. I only trained under Starlight for a couple weeks. You would definitely kick my flank in a city championship."

Pinkie smiled and chuckled. "Yeah. Probably." Her ears folded downwards. "I'm sorry, Twi. Animon's a really serious game to me, but I shouldn't have tried to disqualify a fellow Animon lover."

"It's okay. Lucky for you I know a few cleaning spells."

Within seconds, the Sprogue card looked like it had never been touched, let alone eaten. Twilight slid it back into her deck and gave it to the judges.

"Now you're forgiven." Twilight said to Pinkie, giving her a tight hug before turning to the judges. "Is my deck valid now?"

The stallion took the deck in his magic and began counting the cards once again. The other judges looked closely, examining each card. It was a longer process than Twilight was expecting, and as the minutes passed she couldn't help but watch judges drift back to their tables and approve other ponies' decks, one by one. Scoping out the competition would definitely help her out in the Championship, after all.

Finally, the stallion put the cards back into the clear container and stared at Twilight with disappointment.

"I'm sorry, but your deck has an Assist card from an invalid expansion."

Author's Note

Yes, this was a thing that actually happened. Do allow me to quote, with an explanation for the uninitiated:

In Pokemon TCG there's local tournaments known as League Cups that earn you points to qualify for the World Championship, so they're held to a higher standard than normal local play. One of these standards is having a decklist submitted before the tournament. If you have an invalid decklist (wrong cards, missing cards, etc) you can get a penalty such as a Game Loss. The individual ate one of his opponents' cards to make their deck not match the decklist submission, so when a judge checks the deck it will appear wrong (missing one card) and get a Game Loss.

Presented in its original form, albeit with some tweaks.

(And for those wondering about the chapter title: using AI to cheat was also a thing that happened, for the PTCG Illustration Contest this year. I'd have made a story about that but my Sweetie Bot quota has been fulfilled for now.)