Trixie Lulamoon, Fake Magical Girl (For the Love of Sunset Shimmer)
Trixie tried to smile at Sunset. "Trixie is so glad you came with Trixie to the mall! But did you have to bring those other six girls too?"
"You know my responsibilities. At any moment, stray Equestrian magic might turn some ordinary human into a magically superpowered villain. I have to be ready. That means being ready to pony up with my friends."
"Oh." Trixie's smile wilted. "Trixie supposes that makes sense."
Rarity leaned close to Sunset, and whispered into one ear. A moment later, Sunset remarked, "I suppose Trixie and I could go over to the Burger Hut booth. Since the rest of the girls are still here in the food court in case we need them."
"Oooh!" Pinkie said. "Then it can be almost like Sunset and Trixie are practicing for if they ever decide they want to go on a real date!"
Sunset grasped Trixie's hand, and led her away from the table. "Sorry about that. I don't know where Pinkie gets these ideas."
Trixie didn't reply. She still didn't feel comfortable talking about her feelings towards Sunset. Last month hadn't made things any easier, when Sunset found out Trixie had a red and blonde streaked wig. Trixie had bought the wig after getting drunk with a fake ID at the food court's Los Margaritas restaurant.
When Sunset found out about the wig, Trixie had felt so pathetic. True, Trixie had quickly discovered a couple good excuses for having it. But excuses didn't really help. Excuses just made it even harder to finally tell the truth, that Trixie thought the most beautiful creature in the world was Sunset, not Trixie.
On the other side of the food court, a man wearing a green apron stepped out from his 'Sin-A-Bun' franchise. His eyes gleamed with a strange bluish light. "I work day and night to bake delicious pastries, and no one truly appreciates them! I wish everyone wanted to eat my Sin-A-Buns all the time!"
Sunset said, "Uh-oh." She released Trixie's hand, and ran back towards her six closest, most special friends. Her REAL friends. Trixie wanted to cry.
The friends who had REAL magic, who could transform into pony-girl forms, and levitate in the air, and shoot friendship beams to stop villains.
Not like Trixie, who had NO real magic. Sometimes, Trixie felt so inadequate.
Mind-controlled shoppers shambled around the food court and lined up to buy cursed cinnamon buns. Sunset, Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rainbow, Sci-Twi, and Applejack held hands. Magical light swirled through the air around them. The six REAL magical girls floated upwards, growing pony-style ears and tails. Pinkie made a speech about how it's ok to bake delicious pastries, but NOT ok to use mind control magic.
Beams of rainbow light streaked towards the Sin-A-Bun, returning the baker and his customers to their normal, non-brainwashed selves.
That was when Trixie spotted the approaching men wearing dark gray suits.
Trixie threw smoke bombs, and ran over to the six REAL magical girls.
"Trixie spotted some government agents!" Trixie said.
"Again?" Sunset groaned. "Won't they ever give up on catching us?"
"No time to argue," Trixie said. "Sunset, give Trixie your jacket like you did last week." Trixie was already fitting a red and blonde wig over her real, ash blonde hair.
"Fine," Sunset groaned. "But only because I'm really, really grateful to you for saving us before, by distracting the secret government agents those last five times. I am so grateful, I would do literally ANYTHING for you."
Trixie winked. "Don't worry! Everything will be ok. Now all of you scatter! Get away before the smoke clears!"
Trixie put on Sunset's leather jacket, and picked a random direction.
Trixie didn't have to think about it. She just threw another smoke bomb, tried to 'disappear' under cover of the haze, and...
"Got you!" shouted one gray suited man, grabbing Trixie by the arm.
It was practically guaranteed. None of Trixie's magic tricks ever quite worked the way they should. So all Trixie had to do was try to 'disappear,' and getting caught by government agents in the Rainbooms' stead became easy.
"Seconded!" said another gray suited man. "Don't try to get away, you little monster. We're taking you in, to find out what you really are and what makes you tick."
"Trixie wants a lawyer!" Trixie whined.
A third man became visible as the smoke thinned. "Don't make me laugh. Under the top secret double-classified Anti-Monster Defense Act, aliens and magical creatures aren't human and don't HAVE legal rights."
Trixie protested, "Trixie is human, and Trixie wants a lawyer."
"Good luck with that." The first two men dragged Trixie out of the mall.
"Everything's under control!" the third man said. "Don't worry. We caught the crazy delusional weirdo who was doing silly 'magic tricks' with smoke and mirrors. All of you bystanders can go back to your shopping."
***
Even before the three men put a bag over Trixie's head, handcuffed her, and hauled her to a secret facility, Trixie already had three unspoken nicknames for them: 'Tall One,' 'Short One,' and 'Skinny One.'
By the time an agent pulled the bag off Trixie's head, she knew her plan was already working.
"Wasn't she a redhead?" asked Short One.
"Look," Skinny One said, shaking the bag so Trixie's disguise fell out. "She was wearing a wig. She must have planned to ditch the wig so we wouldn't recognize her."
"But we caught her first," Tall One said smugly. "The magical creature hasn't been born who can outsmart US."
"Trixie is NOT a magical creature," Trixie whined. "Trixie is a performing ILLUSIONIST who does magic tricks. I'm an innocent performer, just like Hoofdini, and Pen-and-Tapper, and David Clopperfield! I'm innocent, just like them!"
Trixie wailed, "Why doesn't anyone ever believe me? I'm not magical at all! I just put on a really good act!"
A fourth man stepped into the room, wearing a white lab coat.
Trixie looked at the smug expression on his face. "Oh."
The new arrival smiled without even a trace of warmth. "I'm your new doctor. Just call me...'Jim.' I'm here to examine you, discover how your tricks REALLY work, and prevent you from destroying the world with your magical powers."
Trixie snorted. What should she do next to make sure these secret government investigators kept their attention on TRIXIE, and didn't think about anyone else, someone who might be GUILTY of being a real magical creature?
(Specifically, to keep attention away from the most adorable amber-skinned magical pony-person in TWO worlds?)
Trixie pulled her shirt off over her head, exposing both her Wonderbra and the prominent appendectomy scar snaking across her lower abdomen. (That had been a difficult surgery.)
"This won't be the first time someone has cut Trixie open, looking for Trixie's secrets!" Trixie dramatically intoned. "But they failed last time, and this time they shall fail too! Trixie is too amazing and too powerful to be understood by the likes of you!"
Short One gasped. "Someone's cut her open BEFORE?"
Skinny one asked, "Is cutting a suspect open even legal?"
Tall One shrugged. "Under emergency measures--"
'Jim' scowled. "Miss Trixie Lulamoon, can you tell us any reason we shouldn't give you a CT scan? It's an X-ray based technique using no high power magnets, so you're allowed to have small amounts of metal on or even in your person."
Trixie grinned. "Trixie thinks that would be fine. Trixie knows her amazing performance TRICKS will elude your sad little inquiry, and you'll end up even more astounded than before."
***
"She has two rabbits hidden WHERE?" Short One stared at the transparencies and printouts in the white coated man's hand.
"Don't forget the dove," Skinny One added.
Tall One said, "I suppose in light of these exam results, she does fit the profile for a mere stage magician who only uses 'smoke and mirrors,' no real magic. But just in case...that WAS quite a spectacular show at the mall, and I have no idea how she did it. I think we'd better call in an outside consultant, just to make sure her magic isn't real."
***
"The Amazing Randolini!" Trixie cheered. "I've always wanted to meet you...AGAIN. Since the LAST time a shadowy government agency hauled me in on FALSE CHARGES of real magic, which was LAST TUESDAY."
The bald consultant stroked his white beard. "Hello, Trixie. Have you been confusing some non-magicians today?"
"Trixie told these government agents she's MERELY one of the best and most amazing professional ILLUSIONISTS in the entire world. But the agents wouldn't believe Trixie. Trixie's show was just TOO good and TOO amazing."
"Ah, yes." Randolini chuckled. "I've heard that excuse before."
"It's true!"
Randolini looked at the three agents standing around Trixie, and sighed. "Gentlemen...if that's the proper word for people who abduct a teenage girl...please tell me everything that you saw, or think you saw, from the very beginning onwards."
***
Randolini directed two agents to move a black box another three feet. "This should probably do it. So now I activate the smoke machine, turn on the laminar flow fan...ok, that should provide a good vertical run of smoke to project images onto. We start the laser show and the auxiliary video projector..."
Randolini stepped forward, standing directly within a rising sheet of smoke. "Lights, camera, action!" Fuzzy 'pony ears' seemed to crown his head, and a colorful tail appeared behind him. He pointed dramatically. "Evildoers...I'm here to frighten you with a harmless light show!" Beams of light converged on Trixie. "Trixie Lulamoon...you're 'guilty' of accidentally confusing these incompetent government investigators!"
Trixie shook her handcuffs at Randolini. "A true magician NEVER reveals her secrets! Waterboard me all you want, but I'll never talk!"
Smoke surrounded Randolini's feet and lower legs. He rose into the air. "Not even if I do a transformation sequence like a character in a magical girl cartoon?" Projected wings appeared behind him, flapping slowly. He grinned at the government investigators. "So how's this, boys?"
"Not bad," Skinny One admitted. "But how do you fly? I thought the Office of Alien Technology Suppression confiscated all the mini-jetpacks."
"Look at the ground smoke, just hanging there at his feet and not getting blown away!" Short One said. "So it can't be a jetpack. A jetpack would be a lot windier."
Randolini spread his arms wide. "Would you believe I fly with...magic?"
Tall One sighed. "I don't want to have to hold YOU too. You're a famous magician, a GOOD one. If the Great Randolini mysteriously vanished one day, instead of some silly teenage girl who no one's ever heard of, that really would be a scandal."
Randolini asked, "Did the magic show at the mall include flying around the room? Or was it just hovering in place?"
Short One admitted, "I think they just hovered in place." Skinny One nodded.
"Well, then." Randolini smiled triumphantly, and pressed buttons on a remote control. The smoke machine turned off, and the fan's blower changed direction. The cloud hiding his feet and lower legs dissipated, showing that he was supported by hydraulic stilts. "Magicians don't always have something up our sleeves. Sometimes we have something up our pant legs. Even two somethings."
Tall One stared. "Huh." He gestured at Trixie. "Is that how SHE did it? With whatever was in her pants?"
Randolini shrugged. "It's not my place to reveal an honest magician's own personal secrets, if I can possibly avoid it. Even by showing you how I might do the trick myself, I'm really pushing the line. And of course, as a matter of professional courtesy, I must ask you to keep secret even the methods I myself would use to perform the 'levitating magic horse person scolds evildoers' trick."
Trixie got out of her chair. "Randolini proved Trixie is innocent! So now you have to let Trixie go!" She raised her hands. "Take off these handcuffs, or Trixie will pick the lock again!"
Short One sighed, and uncuffed her. "Do you need a bus pass?"
Randolini offered, "If she wants, I can give her a ride home."
Trixie smiled. "Thanks!"
***
"So Trixie still has trouble getting people to take her seriously as a professional illusionist," the girl explained. "Everyone acts like I'm just some kind of...comic relief."
"Hmm." Randolini signalled for a left turn. "Have you ever considered playing into that? Becoming a magician-comedian?"
Trixie huffed. "Trixie takes magic very seriously. Trixie owes the magicians who came before her the utmost respect and seriousness. Trixie can't betray that by turning magic's hallowed history into just another way to fill a clown car."
"Mm. I suppose if that's how you really feel about it, I can't fault you. I hope sooner or later you find an approach that really works for you. I mean, works for more than confusing people at a mall." He turned the steering wheel. "Although I have to say, if you can convince three government agents that you're doing real magic even when you tell them it's all fake, you must have something going for you."
"Trixie hopes you're right about that." Trixie's eyes darted sideways. "Trixie wants to know more about YOUR hobby, though. Your side gig. The way you investigate people who claim to have REAL magic powers, psychic abilities and stuff like that."
"What about it?"
"If you keep debunking fake psychics and fraudulent 'miracle workers'...do you think someday you might discover someone who's for real? Someone who has REAL magic? Do you think someday you might have to give a person like that your famous hundred thousand dollar prize?"
Randolini smiled. "The only way I know to find out for sure is to keep looking."
"But how would you feel if you found someone like that, and had to pay up?"
Randolini's smile grew. "I think finding real magic would be worth it." He glanced over at his passenger. "Why do you ask? Do you think you know someone who might want to try the hundred thousand dollar challenge?"
Trixie laughed nervously. "I don't think so. Because all magic is fake, right?"
"So far as we know, yes."
"Well, then." Trixie laughed nervously again. "It's just like I told those government agents. And even if someone had real magic...they might have a very good reason to keep it secret."
"I suppose," Randolini agreed. "But I know when I debunk fakes who use their tricks to defraud people, I do some real good. Last week, I caused a lot of trouble for a cult leader with a really sleazy mentalist act. He convinced his victims they should give their houses and everything else they owned to his cult.
"And a few months before that, I ruined the game of a so-called 'psychic healer.' Her trick was simple sleight of hand with liverwurst, to pretend she was removing people's cancers. By telling people not to get real medical treatment, she was condemning dozens of people to die in agony. So one way or another, I feel pretty proud of what I do."
The car pulled into Trixie's family's driveway, and Randolini shut off the engine. "Trixie, if there's anything you think you should tell me..."
"Nothing!" Trixie said quickly. "Nothing at all! But Trixie WAS thinking about The Mysterious Zambar's classic nineteenth century water escape, the mysterious stunt no one except Zambar has ever accomplished. Sometime, Trixie might want to show you a few of her ideas."
Randolini nodded. "I would like that." He handed Trixie a business card. "As one magician to another...take care and be safe. Underwater escapes can be dangerous. There's no shame in asking a friend or two to spot for you, to make sure you don't drown. The shame is if you accidentally harm yourself just to try to impress people."
Trixie nodded. "Thanks for the advice."
"It's always good to have friends." Randolini shook Trixie's hand. "See you around. Don't be afraid to use that card. I gave it to you for a reason."
"Trixie appreciates it!" The teenager opened the car door and climbed out. "Thank you for the ride!"
"You're welcome."
Trixie closed the car door. She watched Randolini back out of the driveway.
"Someday," Trixie said. "Someday, Trixie will have something good enough to show to the Great Randolini. An illusion that even Randolini himself can't see through and can't duplicate. A trick that won't just be a coverup for the Rainbooms. A trick that when Trixie tells Randolini it isn't real magic, will astonish even HIM."
She sighed. "But someday isn't today." Her shoulders slumped, as she walked towards her front door.
Why did every date she tried to go on with Sunset Shimmer have to end this way? With government agents trying to capture her, and sometimes the world famous magician Randolini expressing his respect for her and giving her a lift home? Just ONCE, Trixie wanted Sunset Shimmer to take Trixie home instead!
Then Trixie had an encouraging idea. If Trixie tried out her latest idea for the Zambar escape, she would have an excuse to ask Sunset to come over to Trixie's home and watch, to protect Trixie from drowning.
"But if Trixie wants Sunset to think Trixie looks cute," the magician said to herself, "Trixie needs to find the best swimsuit she can!"
Minutes later, Trixie called up Sunset. "Sunset? I need help picking out some cute swimwear. Would you like to help the Great and Powerful Trixie do some shopping?"
If they hurried, Trixie thought, maybe there would be time to get Sunset's feedback on a few outfits, before the inevitable attack by another magical villain or monster.
Author's Note
"The Great Randolini" is NOT the same person as "The Amazing Randi," although Randi IS an inspiration.
James Randi...
said that he disliked being called a debunker. He prefers to describe himself as a scientific investigator. He elaborated: “Because if I were to start out saying, ‘This is not true, and I’m going to prove it’s not true,’ that means I’ve made up my mind in advance. So every project that comes to my attention, I say, ‘I just don’t know what I’m going to find out.’ That may end up — and usually it does end up — as a complete debunking. But I don’t set out to debunk it.”
(source: New York Times magazine: https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/09/magazine/the-unbelievable-skepticism-of-the-amazing-randi.html?action=click&contentCollection=Magazine®ion=Footer&module=MoreInSection&pgtype=article
https://web.archive.org/web/20141108162548/http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/09/magazine/the-unbelievable-skepticism-of-the-amazing-randi.html?action=click&contentCollection=Magazine®ion=Footer&module=MoreInSection&pgtype=article)
The Office of Alien Technology Suppression sounds a lot like something you might find in a webcomic co-written by Skywriter.
If you like this story, you might also enjoy "Magic Is Boring (But Trixie Is Amazing)"
TMagic Is Boring (But Trixie Is Amazing)
"Any regular old unicorn can do magic. That's nothing special." Years ago when they were fillies, that's what Twilight told Trixie. What if Trixie had listened?
Mockingbirb ·
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Also, if you celebrate Pride Month...I think at least one famous person in this story might be lesbian or gay or something like that. (Surely the Great and Powerfully Lesbian Trixie counts as ONE! But in case you haven't ever heard of her...James Randi was gay, so I guess Randolini probably is too.)
🏳️🌈 🌈
