I ran into my room,Slamming and locking the door behind me, and rushed to the computer.
"TIME FOR CLOPFIC!" I yelled, alerting everyone to my odd masterbation habbits.
I immediately went on to the internet for the ultimate clopfic experience.
I started with a nice pic of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle kissing.
"Aw yeah, that's hot..." I said, focusing in on Dashie's sexy hair, "I just love how hot that Rainbow Dash is."
"I'm glad you think so," came an all too familiar voice.
I nearly fell out of my chair.
"HOLY EQUESTRIA! RAINBOW DASH?" I shouted very loudly.
"In the flesh," Rainbow Dash said, sitting there in all her sexy glory. My brain nearly exploded from joy.
"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!" I squealed, "I have so much to ask you! Is Fluttershy as soft as they say? Does Pinkie Pie smell like cotton candy? Is Derpy as awesome as she looks? What does Applejack smell like? I bet it's-"
"Yes, yes, yes,she smells like blueberries," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.
"Wait, blueberries? Why blueberries? That doesn't make any-"
"Look, can we just get this over with?" Rainbow Dash said, trotting over to me.
"Get what over with?" I said intelligently.
"Look, I lost a bet with Rarity, so now I have to-" Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and inhaled sharply, "Make out with a human."
"Wait," I said, staring into those gorgeous eyes, "You're gonna make out with me?"
"Yes, those were the terms of the bet I lost- are you alright?"
When I woke up, Rainbow Dash was on my computer, browsing around the internet.
"Wha? What happened?" I said, rubbing my head and looking over at the pegasus.
"Why the hell did Pinkie Pie kidnap me and make me into cupcakes?" Rainbow Dash asked. I looked up and saw that she was indeed reading cupcakes. "And also, what's with all these people shipping me with my friends? If you really must know, I'm in love with-"
"NO TIME! KISS ME, YOU SEXY RAINBOW HAIRED FLYING PONY YOU!" I jumped up and tackled her, viciously forcing my tongue into her muzzle.
Taken by surprize, Dashie's first reaction was to struggle, but after remembering the bet she had lost, she submitted.
It was by far the best experience of my life.
After our make out session, Dashie left for Equestria, and I went on iBrony to brag about it with all my friends.
"Dudes, i just totally made out with Rainbow Dash!"
"AWESOME!"
"SWEET!"
"SUPER SEXY!"
"Am I the only one who doesn't believe he made out with a cartoon character?""LUCKY!"
"SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW!"
"WHAT DID SHE TASTE LIKE?"
I glanced at the last comment. I thought back to our glorious moment of intimacy.
"Like skittles. She tasted like skittles.
--MEANWHILE IN EQUESTRIA--
"So, how did it go?" asked Rarity, barely containing her laughter.
"Err... it was... interesting..." Rainbow Dash said evasively, running over to the cabinet to grab some mouthwash.
"What did he taste like?"
Rainbow Dash thought for a bit.
"Like Cheetos and Ballz Energy Drink."
"Well that's cool, but I must ask: What is Ballz Energy Drink?"
"It's a drink that makes you really tired."
"But that doesn't-"
"Bitch, did I stutter?"
"No, mistress."
"Damn straight! I don't wanna have to smack a hoe."
Despite what she said, Rainbow Dash did want to "Smack a hoe". But she couldn't tell that to Rarity. That would mean she had lied, and Rainbow Dash can't lie. She's the Element of Honesty, after all.
So Rainbow Dash put on her favorite pimp hat, grabbed her cane, and sauntered out the door. On her daily outing she ran into Lyra(element of laughter) and began to think.
"Hmm," Dash thought to herself, "I haven't had a good opportunity to smack a hoe in a while, and like they say: ‘Alas poor Yorick, I smacked a hoe.’"
So Rainbow Dash used her dinosaur telekinesis to turn her hoof into a human hand. She raised it into the air and struck Lyra, but something went horribly wrong. Rainbow Dash couldn't stop, no matter how hard she tried! She just couldn't stop smacking a hoe!
Lyra's face was beginning to bleed, so Rainbow Dash did the only thing she could, she switched hoes.
Derpy was happily strolling down the block delivering mail when she came across a very unusual sight. There, in the street, was Rainbow Dash, smacking a hoe. Derpy looked to the hoe and immediately knew her to be Lyra. Just then, Rainbow Dash turned to Derpy, she lunged and began to smack another hoe. Unfortunately for Derpy, this hoe was her.
Rainbow Dash was terrified, she'd always had perfect control over her pimp powers, but now she just couldn't deactivate them. Derpy was fading fast from all the hoe smacking. Dash decided to try using her dinosaur telekinesis, but to her dismay she only smacked Derpy harder. She knew Derpy couldn't take much more so she moved on to the next hoe: Fluttershy.
Berry Punch knew she had to do something. She had been innocently going to buy a box of wine when she saw it, Rainbow Dash smacking a hoe. She knew she wouldn't be of much help, so she ran off to find the one pony who could stop this.
She came up to a big treehouse and began furiously knocking on the door.
"Come on, open up!"
The door swung open to reveal another pony.
"Oh thank goodness you're home!" Berry Punch exclaimed, "I severely need your help, Rainbow Dash has gone crazy, she's running around smacking hoes left and right! I was hoping you would know some kind of spell to stop her. After all, you are the element of magic."
"Eeyup," replied Big Macintosh. After all, he is the element of magic.
So Berry Punch and Big Macintosh ran to where Rainbow Dash was smacking hoes. To their horror, the entirety of Ponyville had been smacked, including Berry Punch somehow. Now that she was out of hoes to smack, Rainbow Dash had to smack herself.
But it wasn't working. Dash was a pimp not a hoe, and as science will tell you, if you try to pimp slap a pimp a force field will surround said pimp and you'll never slap him(girls can't be pimps, it's science!).
Big Mac began to cast his spell, so he began to say the magic chant.
"Nirvana sucks," said Big Mac while channeling energy into his hooves. We all know that previous statement is entirely untrue, but you simply do not question magic. Then he fired a magical blast at Rainbow Dash, however, Rainbow didn't stop trying to slap herself. Perhaps the spell was wrong after all.
"Why isn't it working?" asked a concerned Berry Punch.
"The only way for the spell to take effect is for everyone to slap her at the same time." replied Mac.
So everypony in Ponyville walked up to Rainbow Dash and slapped her. The city sized pimp slap was so powerful that it not only broke Dash's force field, but it also changed her from a pimp to a hoe.
On that very day Rainbow Dash became everypony’s bitch, and they all lived happily ever after.
The End.
