And the Cycle Begins Anew

And the cycle begins anew (begins anew) (begins anew)...

I lie in bed

at o n e i n t h e m o r n i n g

and wonder:

Do you still remember the time

when I was three

and you bought me a toy boat

and took me to the park

and we sat in the dirt next to the lake

and dug trenches

and sent the boat down them?

I love that memory.

I still think about it

now and then

and smile.

Do you still remember the time, when I was

five

and I came home crying

because the kids at school had teased me

and mom held me in her arms and gently rubbed my back

and dad got angry

and called the principal?

I thought he was

so brave

I still do do do do do you still remember

all the times

you took your open hands

and brought them down on me?

I still remember

not all of them

they blurred together

into a mess

into a knot that's still

tied

somewhere inside me

that I've been trying to unravel for so long it hurts

it hurts it hurts

Do you remember the time

that we were at a party

and I was playing with your friends' kids

and I didn't want to leave

because I was so happy

and dad

grabbed me

and picked me up

and threw

me down

a hallway

and I scraped my knees on the carpet and cried and cried

and he looked at me

so frustrated

and we never went back to that house

and and and and I'm not going to say I never deserved it

I did

every time, I think

but was it any wonder that I

turned out the way I did

spiraling

spiraling

spiraling

into anxiety

and depression

and myself?

Did you really ever think

that hitting your kid

was going to make them come out alright?

I know dad's dad hit him

with a belt

and sometimes a stick

and that the teachers at his school

did the same

so maybe it was just

normal

to you

the normal thing to do

to beat your child

the thing you said you cherished most

That I think you do cherish most

because

I know you love me

and I love you

but always

in the background

there's the knot

that I keep

pulling at

until my fingers b l e e d

And you wonder

why I never open up to you

why it's so hard for me to open up to anyone

Fluttershy's

so shy, y'know?

and I wonder

when the cycle started

Was it when I was born? I know

it was traumatic

for all of us

The nature vs nurture debate

was settled with a resounding

"both"

so how long has the knot been there?

I can't bring myself to hate you

because I remember

the boat

mom's embrace

but I also remember the time

I came out

and you weren't expecting it

and you didn't

believe me

You just didn't understand

and maybe I

should have

explained it better

at the time

but I was embarrassed

and the knot was tight that day

and

do you remember when Zephyr was born

you never

hit him

did you care more

about him

than me?

Had you realized what you'd done to me

and wanted a new start?

I've talked about it

with every therapist

in the long line of therapists

you've always encouraged me to go to

and sometimes paid for

But I was never

very good at therapy

because I'm so

bad at opening up

to people

and is that

also because of you?

"She's just shy,"

you said to each other,

"She'll grow out of it"

but I never did

and now you look at me

and I know you say you don't care

that I am the way I am

but I can feel you

or imagine you

or sense you

or imagine you

(I can't tell which)

being so

disappointed

in me

wondering where you went wrong

and I know you act

like it's the mental illness

that I'm on

six different medications for

but don't you think

at least some of this

might have been your fault?

I think mom

blames herself

sometimes

for what happened when I was born

even though it wasn't her fault

she couldn't eat

(it was mine, me, inside her, making her sick)

(an omen)

and that makes me

so sad

but then the knot tightens

and I don't know how to

feel about it

anymore

because you've been

so supportive

and you've put up with

so much

from me

and you call me a good girl

and you do what you can

and I want to love you but it's hard

because I can't get the knot

out of my head

and it gets tighter

when you ask me what's wrong

and I say "It's nothing"

and we pretend

like we both don't know

that I'm probably never going to be

a healthy adult

And instead we talk about Zephyr

and his problems

and what he's going to do after college

and if he'll ever manage to give you grandkids

with that girl he likes

and I don't

remember what it was like

before this

but the knot is still there

every time we speak

and you don't understand me

and dad

has mellowed out so much

but I'm still

so scared

any time he's upset about something at work

that he'll take it out on me

and I know he still yells at mom sometimes

and I was so worried

when I was a kid

that you were going to leave each other

but you didn't

you grew old together

and I'm happy

but

you left me

so afraid to have children

because won't I just be tempted

to do to them

what you did to me?

And the cycle begins anew (begins anew) (begins anew)...