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                 And the Cycle Begins Anew                 
                         -by RB_-                          
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                (Begins Anew) (Begins Anew)                
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(Begins Anew) (Begins Anew)
And the cycle begins anew (begins anew) (begins anew)...
I lie in bed
at o n e i n t h e m o r n i n g
and wonder:
Do you still remember the time
when I was three
and you bought me a toy boat
and took me to the park
and we sat in the dirt next to the lake
and dug trenches
and sent the boat down them?
I love that memory.
I still think about it
now and then
and smile.
Do you still remember the time, when I was
five
and I came home crying
because the kids at school had teased me
and mom held me in her arms and gently rubbed my back
and dad got angry
and called the principal?
I thought he was
so brave
I still do do do do do you still remember
all the times
you took your open hands
and brought them down on me?
I still remember
not all of them
they blurred together
into a mess
into a knot that's still
tied
somewhere inside me
that I've been trying to unravel for so long it hurts
it hurts it hurts
Do you remember the time
that we were at a party
and I was playing with your friends' kids
and I didn't want to leave
because I was so happy
and dad
grabbed me
and picked me up
and threw
me down
a hallway
and I scraped my knees on the carpet and cried and cried
and he looked at me
so frustrated
and we never went back to that house
and and and and I'm not going to say I never deserved it
I did
every time, I think
but was it any wonder that I
turned out the way I did
spiraling
spiraling
spiraling
into anxiety
and depression
and myself?
Did you really ever think
that hitting your kid
was going to make them come out alright?
I know dad's dad hit him
with a belt
and sometimes a stick
and that the teachers at his school
did the same
so maybe it was just
normal
to you
the normal thing to do
to beat your child
the thing you said you cherished most
That I think you do cherish most
because
I know you love me
and I love you
but always
in the background
there's the knot
that I keep
pulling at
until my fingers b l e e d
And you wonder
why I never open up to you
why it's so hard for me to open up to anyone
Fluttershy's
so shy, y'know?
and I wonder
when the cycle started
Was it when I was born? I know
it was traumatic
for all of us
The nature vs nurture debate
was settled with a resounding
"both"
so how long has the knot been there?
I can't bring myself to hate you
because I remember
the boat
mom's embrace
but I also remember the time
I came out
and you weren't expecting it
and you didn't
believe me
You just didn't understand
and maybe I
should have
explained it better
at the time
but I was embarrassed
and the knot was tight that day
and
do you remember when Zephyr was born
you never
hit him
did you care more
about him
than me?
Had you realized what you'd done to me
and wanted a new start?
I've talked about it
with every therapist
in the long line of therapists
you've always encouraged me to go to
and sometimes paid for
But I was never
very good at therapy
because I'm so
bad at opening up
to people
and is that
also because of you?
"She's just shy,"
you said to each other,
"She'll grow out of it"
but I never did
and now you look at me
and I know you say you don't care
that I am the way I am
but I can feel you
or imagine you
or sense you
or imagine you
(I can't tell which)
being so
disappointed
in me
wondering where you went wrong
and I know you act
like it's the mental illness
that I'm on
six different medications for
but don't you think
at least some of this
might have been your fault?
I think mom
blames herself
sometimes
for what happened when I was born
even though it wasn't her fault
she couldn't eat
(it was mine, me, inside her, making her sick)
(an omen)
and that makes me
so sad
but then the knot tightens
and I don't know how to
feel about it
anymore
because you've been
so supportive
and you've put up with
so much
from me
and you call me a good girl
and you do what you can
and I want to love you but it's hard
because I can't get the knot
out of my head
and it gets tighter
when you ask me what's wrong
and I say "It's nothing"
and we pretend
like we both don't know
that I'm probably never going to be
a healthy adult
And instead we talk about Zephyr
and his problems
and what he's going to do after college
and if he'll ever manage to give you grandkids
with that girl he likes
and I don't
remember what it was like
before this
but the knot is still there
every time we speak
and you don't understand me
and dad
has mellowed out so much
but I'm still
so scared
any time he's upset about something at work
that he'll take it out on me
and I know he still yells at mom sometimes
and I was so worried
when I was a kid
that you were going to leave each other
but you didn't
you grew old together
and I'm happy
but
you left me
so afraid to have children
because won't I just be tempted
to do to them
what you did to me?
And the cycle begins anew (begins anew) (begins anew)...