Shining Armour's Irregular Morning

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1191

Sword Cleaning ensues. What more could you want?

All Shining wanted to do was find his sword. Too bad we don't always get what we want.

PRAISE FOR SHINING ARMOUR'S IRREGULAR MORNING
"Me gusta. It has been a long time since I said that. You sir, or mam, are a genius."
- djElectrOctavia

"That was brilliant. I think I'll be seeing you in the featured box soon enough."
- DTFluttershy

"This was an entertaining read!"
- Bronystories
(Not taken out of context or anything)

Published 2012-10-10 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-10 18:50:01 UTC

Hilarity Ensues

Shining Armour awoke one crisp and fine fall morning to find that his wife was still sprawled on top of him from last night’s, erm, “activities”. Not wanting to wake her, Shining debated his options.

First, he tried wiggling his way out. This did not help, and one of Cadence’s hooves collided painfully with his stallionhood. Fighting back tears, he opted for his next choice. He would use magic to lift her off.

This proved a much more difficult task than he first anticipated. Ever since the wedding, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza had packed on a few pounds.

“Jeez, Cadence, you’ve gotten kinda fat,” Shining mumbled to himself. Immediately, Cadence’s eyes shot open.

“Of course,” Shining groaned, and prepared for the worst of it.

Cadence, instead of castrating the offender right then and their like any sensible wife would, rolled off her husband. Shining took his first proper breath of the morning, and Cadence wiggled up next to him.

“Ready for round eight, my ‘cocky’ colt?” His wife purred seductively.

Shining Armour, though conditioned to have a top-notch stamina, could only go so many times This was especially true with Cadence, who had a very tiresome way of going about the act of sex. I will refrain from going into detail to keep this fic moderately decent.

Shining would have loved to go again, but he was far too exhausted. Besides, he had more pressing matters to attend to that morning.

“Sorry, sweetie, but I have to supervise the guard drills this morning.” Shining rolled out of bed, and planted his four hooves squarely on the floor. “Where’s my sword? I have to get it cleaned before drills!”

“I’ll clean your sword, if you know what I mean...” the pink alicorn licked her lips seductively. Shining laughed nervously, then sprinted out of the room very quickly.

Heading from Cadence’s and his private quarters, he decided to visit the most obvious place where his sword could be: the armoury. Trotting down the stairwell to said area, he nodded his head to a patrolling officer, he knelt before his captain. Shining had been Captain of the Guard for nearly a year now, but had never gotten used to ponies doing that.

Passing by Celestia’s private chamber, he heard an odd squelching noise that was reminiscent of several acts he had done last night. He was about to pass this off as Celestia just enjoying herself with one of her consorts when he heard the voice of his sister.

“Can I... touch it?” Shining Armour stopped dead in his tracks.

“Sure you can, it’s not going to bite...” Celestia’s voice responded. Shining’s Armour’s eyes widened. What was Celestia doing to his precious sister?

Slowly cracking the door opened, he prepared himself for the worst. Instead, he found Celestia and Twilight hunched over Rarity, who had an odd, translucent blue squid creature on her head. Rarity was quacking, her left eye twitching.

“I’m sorry I woke you up so early, it’s just that I wasn’t sure if this was safe or not, and I didn’t want any harm to come to Rarity!”

Celestia nodded. “It’s quite alright, I was just about to get up to raise the sun anyway. Hopefully, this will teach you not to mess around with unknown spells!”

Rarity looked on the verge of tears. “Get it off, get it off, GET IT OFF!”

Shining Armour breathed a relieved sigh, and crept away from the door. “Stupid perverted brain, why’d you jump to that? Just because we once read a tabloid about the Princess secretly being ‘Princess Molestia’...”

Shining continued down to the armoury, where Metalsmith, the stallion in charge of the weapons, was organizing some short swords. Upon seeing the Captain approach, he bowed, and then addressed him. “Good morning, sir! What can I do to help you?”

“Metalsmith, do you happen to know where my sword is? I’m thinking I might have misplaced it down here.”

The armoury head looked puzzled. “Two colts came in here just a few minutes ago, claiming that you had sent them to collect your sword. I’m sorry, I had no idea-”

Shining waved his hoof at the stammering stallion. “Nevermind that! Where did they say they were going?”

“D-down to the forges, sir!”

Shining scowled. Who knows what sort of things the colts were doing to his sword? He took off immediately, bolting as fast as could down to the forges.

Meanwhile, down in the forges, the two colts responsible for this, two servants by the names of Swift and Shank were staring down at Shining’s sword like it was some sort of lost artifact from an ancient civilization.

“What should we do with it?” Swift asked in total awe.

“I know! Let’s throw it up into the air, and see it it’ll stick into the ceiling!” Shank wasn’t the brightest of ponies, as you may be able to tell, unless you similarly are not the brightest of your current species.

“Ok!” Swift picked the sword up in his mouth, and threw it up into the air with all his might, just as Shining Armour turned the corner into the forge.

Everything seemed to slow down. Shining ran towards the falling weapon in slow motion, forgetting that he could have just used his magic to levitate his prized possession over to him. In hindsight, he felt really stupid about that, especially considering what happened next.

Shining miscalculated how far away his sword was, and he ran a bit too fast. The sword fell with a clatter into the flagstone behind him, as he slipped in a puddle of water a careless caretaker had left when mopping up the slag spill the night before. The heat from the forges should have evaporated them long ago, but that was just Shining Armour’s luck that it hadn’t.

Shining lost complete control, and found himself soaring through the air, right towards the opening of one of the forges. He closed his eyes tight, certain that those flames would be the last thing he ever saw.

***

“Well, besides some minor burns and both your back legs being fractured, you’re completely fine,” The Canterlot Castle Doctor asserted, packing his stuff away. “Honestly, you’re very lucky for it not to have been any worse!”

Shining lay in bed, his legs held up by a bizarre contraption, an odd sort of sling that kept him lying on his back, and both of his back legs wide open. Cadence, who was seemingly listening to the doctor intently, asked him a question once he was finished speaking.

“So... does was anything else damaged by the fall?”

The doctor gave her an odd look, then answered “No... everything else is fine, from his head to his, um, well... crotch.”

Cadence grinned. “So everything else is in perfect, working order?”

“I’d say so, yes.”

“And he’s not capable of moving, correct?”

The doctor nodded. “He won’t be able to move for another six weeks, minimum.”

Cadence grinned at Shining, who felt fear like never before. Shining emitted a terrified squeak as the doctor left the room, and Cadence swept down onto him.