We're Not Dating

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Maud Pie, Slice of Life, Human, Anon, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3847

Trixie believes that Anon and Starlight are dating. Maud disagrees.

Anon and Starlight Glimmer are not dating. It certainly looks like they're dating, but they're not dating.

At least, that's what they say.

Trixie and Maud are keeping an eye on them, though.

Published 2024-07-08 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-08 01:10:02 UTC

We're Not Dating

“Ahh~! Another beautiful day for the Great and Powerful Trixie to grace Ponyville with her magnificent presence!”

Trixie stretched her legs as she leisurely sauntered out of her wagon. A pastel magenta color emanated from her horn as she lifted a mug of steaming hot coffee to her lips. Black, of course. The Great and Powerful Trixie had no need for milk or sugar!

Nor could she afford it.

“Now, then. Starlight said she’d be here at about noon. Not sure why she feels the need to arrive so early in the morning, but Trixie supposes she is willing to accommodate somepony so… punctual.”

As if on cue, the sound of hooves approaching her from behind filled her ears. Immediately putting on her famous smug grin, she turned to meet her dear friend, only for said smile to quickly fade.

“H-hey, Trixie.”

“Starlight? What happened to you? You look like you just ran a marathon.” Trixie’s eyes briefly went wide before she chuckled to herself. “Let me guess: Some dangerous creature escaped from Tartarus and your precious map said that it was somepony else’s job to deal with it, so you booked it.”

“What? No, that’s silly. I mean, yes, that did happen, but it didn’t bother me. I’d just teleport away.”

“Oh. Well, what’s wrong, then?”

“I was over at Anon’s all morning and I kinda lost track of time. Er, sorry about that,” she sheepishly mumbled as she rubbed the back of her head.

“Anon? That really tall… thing Twilight adopted?”

“Okay, she didn’t ‘adopt’ him, he’s a grown adult. Also, he’s a human. You know, like those creatures on the other side of Twilight’s mirror I told you about.”

“Uh… huh. And he’s on this side of the mirror because…?”

“There was this whole thing involving a truck and a tractor and a girl and I guess he’s not even from the mirror and… you know what? It’s a long story, and I really don’t feel like getting into it right now. Point is, he’s a great guy.”

“Er… right. Anyway, I wanted to show off my new act at this afternoon’s performance, and I wanted you to see it. It involves chaos magic~!”

“Ugh, Trixie, please don’t tell me you need me to act as a magical fire extinguisher again! Last time you did something like this you turned poor Spike inside out.”

“Hey, he had fun!”

“He’s still going to physical therapy!”

“Well, regardless, I don’t need your help this time. I’ve got it completely under control, and I’ve practiced at least two times!” Starlight glared at Trixie, her eyes narrowing as she looked entirely unimpressed. Trixie grinned in return. “What’s Rainbow Dash’s whole thing? Trust or whatever?”

“It’s loyalty.”

“Right! Loyalty me, this is going to go great!”

After a moment of silence, Starlight let out a heavy sigh.

“Fine. But I’d better not be alone!”

“Worry not, for Maud has already agreed to be Trixie’s dedicated assistant!”

“Hello, Starlight.”

“WAH! Wh-where did you come from?!”

“I’ve been here the whole time,” replied Maud, who had been there the whole time.

“Ugh, alright. Fine.”

To Starlight’s surprise, it was fine. It was excellent, in fact. Not only did Trixie not make any mistakes, the magic she was pulling off was downright impressive. Still mostly smoke and mirrors, of course, but still a better act than even Las Pegasus professionals are capable of performing.

At least, it was until her final trick.

“For this last bit of magical excellence, Trixie is going to need a volunteer from the audience!”

Silence. Trixie had managed to shrug off much of her poor reputation, sure, but that didn’t mean crowds trusted her enough to actually be involved in her performances. However, to Starlight’s surprise, she didn’t seem bothered by this in the slightest.

“Very well. Starlight, would you come up, please?”

Starlight groaned, realizing that she should have seen that coming. She quickly made her way onto the stage, dreading what was to come.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, feast your eyes on a never-before-seen piece of chaos magic, courtesy of the Great and Powerful Trixie! Watch as Trixie makes the object of her desires appear in the blink of an eye!”

Starlight stood to the side as Trixie stood on her hind legs. Her eyes sparkled with excitement as her horn glowed a familiar magenta color. Slowly, a cloud of dark gray smoke with golden sparkles began to pour out of her horn like a fog machine. Under the stage lights, the strain Trixie was under was clear, with beads of sweat forming on her brow as she completed the spell. A few moments later, she finally relaxed.

“Behold!” On cue, the cloud of smoke dispersed. Where it had been accumulating mere seconds prior, there was instead a massive pile of shiny, pristine bits gleaming in the light. “One million bits!”

The audience gasped before they began to stomp their hooves and cheer. Trixie briefly turned to Starlight with a smile, causing Starlight’s ears to droop to her sides.

“And it’s not only for Trixie! When the spell passes through another pony, their desires are brought to life instead! Watch as Trixie’s brave assistant shows you now!”

Trixie turned to Maud, who didn’t react to the cue whatsoever. The stoic mare stood completely still as Trixie’s horn began to glow yet again. After a few seconds, a second cloud of magical smoke had emerged from the tip of her horn and drifted slowly towards Maud. The stage was silent for a long, tense moment before the smoke suddenly dispersed, revealing that a large boulder had appeared next to Maud.

“Behold. A boulder-sized Boulder.”

The crowd roared at Maud’s unenthusiastic words. She nodded and took a step back, allowing the spotlight to fall back onto Trixie.

“And finally, to prove that this is no trick, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall bring to life the greatest desire of a volunteer! Trixie knows not what our brave volunteer wants most, but watch as it is gifted to her all the same!”

“T-Trixie, I really don’t think this is a good–!”

Starlight’s words fell on deaf ears as she found herself engulfed in a sea of smoke. She began to cough violently, her eyes watering at the sudden arrival of the invasive gas. She rubbed at her eyes in an attempt to regain her vision, but by the time she had made any headway, the smoke had already passed over her, collecting on the stage behind her instead.

“And now, the object of Starlight’s desires!”

The smoke suddenly vanished. The audience gasped once more, but unlike the previous spell, there was no applause after. Instead, a heavy silence filled the area, with Trixie’s infectious grin going from genuine to forced very quickly. Meanwhile, The corners of Starlight’s mouth drooped as her eyes went completely wide.

There, where the smoke was mere moments ago, was the lanky form of Anon. He wore a dark gray shirt and a pair of pajama pants. A spatula was in his hand, and he looked utterly confused. Thankfully, he didn’t seem particularly upset by his sudden displacement.

“I am extremely upset by my sudden displacement! What in the world is going on?!”

Trixie awkwardly cleared her throat and took a deep bow.

“And that’s it for tonight’s show, everypony! The Great and Powerful Trixie will be here all week, haha! …Seriously.”

With one final glow of her horn, Trixie practically slammed the stage curtains shut before frantically looking at her dear friend and the new arrival next to her.

“Trixie, what was THAT?!” Starlight stomped her front hooves on the stage, her expression a mixture of anger and confusion.

“‘That’ was my spell working precisely as intended! Excuse me for assuming that the thing you want most wasn’t… him!”

“He’s not what I want most!”

“The spell says otherwise!”

“Um… hello? Hi? Confused human taking up the rear?”

“Shut up!” they shouted in unison.

“You can’t do this trick anymore, Trixie. Now he has to walk all the way home!”

“No, no he doesn’t! The spell returns the item to its original location after–” Trixie was interrupted by a “poof” sound coming from behind her. Sure enough, the bits had disappeared without a trace. “A few moments. The same will happen to Anon.”

“Good, because I was in the middle of making some eggs.”

Anon barely had time to finish the word “eggs” before he, too, disappeared in a literal flash.

“Well, that takes care of that.”

“...Trixie, I worry about you sometimes.”

“Oh yeah? How often?”

“Every time you do your job.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll take that as a compliment.” Trixie shrugged as she began to put away the various props she used throughout the show, her smug grin returning like always. “Besides, I’m a bit worried that you’re dating a ‘human.’”

“We’re not dating!”

“Then why did he show up?”

“...I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Starlight turned around with a huff as she began to walk away via the back of the stage. “I’m gonna go apologize to him for the confusion.”

“Good! You’ll be saving me a lot of trouble that way.”

“Ugh!”

Starlight disappeared with a groan as Trixie folded up a particularly long strand of multicolored cloth she had pulled from her hat, quite satisfied with how the show played out. It wasn't until a few minutes later when a stallion dressed in police attire entered stage left that her proud grin disappeared.

“Are you Trixie Lulamoon?”

“That’s ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon’ to you. Uh, sir.”

“Well, ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon’ is being summoned to the station. An anonymous tip linked the mysterious disappearance of a million bits from the Bank of Ponyville to this very show.”

“Wha–?! But it all got sent back!” she shouted as she found herself being escorted away into the evening air.

“I’ll just be here,” Maud said to herself, having gone totally unnoticed since the show ended.

“I’m telling you, Maud, I think the two of them are dating!”

“What gave you that impression?”

Despite Maud’s stoic voice, Trixie was trained enough in understanding her meaning that she caught onto the sarcasm immediately. The fact that they were both standing in an alleyway staring across a dirt road at an outdoor cafe wherein Starlight and Anon were sitting across from each other in a date-like fashion didn’t help matters either, she supposed.

“I just don’t get it. She insists that they aren’t dating, but they sure look like they’re dating! Besides, the magic doesn’t lie!”

“I thought you specialized in magic that helps you lie.”

“It’s not lying! It’s… truth bending! L-look, that’s not important! See, what are they doing now?!”

Although the pair wasn’t within earshot, they could see their two friends happily conversing before leaning across the table and gently rubbing their noses together. It’s quite possibly the sweetest thing Trixie’s ever seen, but that doesn’t make her any happier.

“He is literally her greatest desire. They’re very clearly on a date right now. But they’re not dating?!”

“Why don’t you just ask them?”

“Because! The Great and Powerful Trixie is bored.”

“You told me you wanted my opinion on your new act.”

“And I do! Just… later.”

Maud sighed with her eyes alone.

“Besides, this is much more entertaining, don’t you… think? Maud?!” Trixie suddenly jumped as she realized that the mare in question was already halfway across the road. She darted out of her hiding space in an attempt to pull her back into safety. “Maud, get back here!”

“Hello.”

“Oh, hey Maud!” Trixie stopped dead in her tracks a few feet behind her target. Anon and Starlight both smiled and greeted her nonchalantly before noticing Trixie, at which point they did the same to her. “Nice day outside, huh?”

“The weather is perfect for the formation of class three gems in certain regions of central Equestria, Ponyville included. I’m inclined to agree.”

“C-come on, Maud, let’s leave them be already!”

“What’s the rush?” Anon leaned back, resting his head in his hands. “Got another act you need to work on?”

“Yes,” Maud said.

“No,” Trixie said simultaneously before pressing her hoof to her forehead and sighing. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to interrupt your date.”

“It’s not a date,” Anon and Starlight calmly replied simultaneously, very much unlike the other two mares present. “We’re not dating.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“We’re simply enjoying each other’s company like good friends do,” Starlight responded matter-of-factly.

“I… I don’t think ‘good friends’ nuzzle each other like that. Especially not in public.”

“It depends on the friends,” Maud replied, also in a matter-of-fact manner.

“Wha–? Nopony’s ever nuzzled me before!”

Trixie blinked as Maud leaned over and began gently rubbing her nose against Trixie’s own. It’d be cute if her eyes weren’t wide open the entire time. As a result, Trixie jumped back, anxiously laughing all the while.

“Right, well, that’s enough of that! Glad we can all be good friends around here,” she sputtered as a blush spread across her face. “Let’s go, Maud, we have places to go and things to do!”

“Have fun with your platonic get-together,” Maud said with a wave as she followed Trixie down the road.

“Alright, Maud. What are they doing now?”

“They appear to be enjoying the evening air together.”

“That’s it?”

“It isn’t an uncommon sight when the evening air is as pleasant as it is right now.”

“Yes, I know that. But they’re not, like, kissing or anything?”

“They’re doing that too.”

“WHAT?! Give me those!”

Trixie, who was crouched down next to Maud in the bush she forced her stoic friend into, grabbed her borrowed binoculars back and began peeking through the shrubbery. Sure enough, she could clearly see Anon and Starlight resting on a blanket on the other side of Ponyville Park, having finished a pleasant evening picnic together. Anon held Starlight close in his arms as they passionately pressed their lips together.

“Wha-?! Who do they think they are, kissing like nopony is watching?!”

“If it weren’t for us, nopony would be watching.”

“Irrelevant! See, I knew there was something going on here! That isn’t something friends do!”

“Why not?”

“...Maud, I don’t get you sometimes. The two of them are clearly dating.”

“If they said they aren’t dating, I believe them.”

“So, what, they’re just having a ‘friendly’ make out session in the park?”

“Yes.”

“And they didn’t even invite TRIXIE?!”

“Does Trixie want to have a friendly make out session in the park?”

“...W-well, she wouldn’t say no if she were invited, but nopony has MMM–!”

Trixie was cut off as Maud closed the distance between them, pressing her lips against Trixie’s own with as much passion as Trixie had ever seen from her. There was no blush on her face, no hint of hesitation. However, her eyes were closed, which was better than the nuzzling incident.

Neither of them were paying attention as Starlight and Anon packed up their things and left.

Trixie grabbed Maud’s hoof and led her through the applauding crowd in the center of the Canterlot street, her brow furrowed as she ignored the angry objections from those she was pushing aside. Eventually, they made it to the center of the small crowd, emerging just in time to see Anon and Starlight pull away from another deep kiss.

“What is this all about?!”

Starlight gasped as a wide smile spread across her face. Within seconds, Trixie had the wind knocked out of her as Starlight wrapped her hooves around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

“Ahh, Trixie, I’m so glad you could be here! He finally asked!”

“He… what?”

“I said yes, of course, but still. It makes me happy to know my friends were here to support me!”

“B-back up, Starlight!” Trixie gently pushed Starlight away from her, her concern only growing as she realized the grin wasn’t leaving Starlight’s face. “What are you talking about? What did Anon ask you?”

“He proposed to me, duh!”

“He PROPOSED?!”

“I know, right? Eeeee, I’m so excited!”

Starlight pranced in place, unable to contain said excitement. Anon walked up behind her, looking just as pleased with himself.

“I don’t know how you two figured out we’d be here, but thank you all the same.”

“You’re easy to keep track of,” Maud responded matter-of-factly. “And friend proposals are always an exciting sight to see.”

“Friend proposals?” Trixie looked between her three friends like she’d never heard of such a common idea. “What in Equestria is that?”

“It means we’re getting married, Trixie,” Starlight contentedly sighed. “You know, as friends.”

“What does that meeeeeeeaaaaaaannnnnnn?!”

“It means they’re getting married. As friends.”

“Maud, how are you keeping up with any of this?!”

“I was planning to ask somepony myself soon, but I’m having difficulty finding the right mineral for the ring.”

“You’re going to…?”

“Make a friend proposal, yes. So I can get married. As a friend.”

“...Ugh, the Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t understand any of this.”

“Don’t worry, Trixie,” Anon chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll find your friend-soulmate one day.”

“What does that MEAN?!”

“Do you have the gift?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, Maud.”

Trixie gave Maud a warm smile before knocking on the door to the quiet Ponyville home. A few moments later, a very tired-looking Anon opened the door, his face lighting up as he saw the pair.

“Oh, good evening, you two! Come on in!”

Anon stepped aside as the two mares entered his home. Maud kept the small gift bag tucked underneath her as she stepped inside his living room, where Starlight was lying on her back on the couch. She gave the two an exhausted smile before wincing, her horn quickly glowing as she lifted a now-finished-eating newborn foal into the air. She sat upright, placing the foal in her arms and holding him against her chest. Said foal quickly fell asleep. He was a tiny, pudgy unicorn, his purple mane looking just like that of his mother and his green coat looking just like his father, despite said father not being green. Anon took great care to not wake him as he sat next to his friend-wife. Meanwhile, Trixie and Maud sat next to each other on the other sofa on the opposite side of the room.

“So, what brings you over?” Starlight asked in a hushed whisper, careful to not disturb her child.

“Isn’t it your friend-marriage anniversary?” Trixie whispered back as she tilted her head.

At her question, Starlight and Anon shared a confused glance before their eyes widened in realization. Simultaneously, the two began to chuckle.

“Well, I totally forgot about that.”

“So did I. We’ve, uh… we’ve had our hands full,” he sheepishly commented as he rubbed the back of his head.

“We figured as much. And that is why we brought you a gift! Feel free to thank Trixie any time.”

Trixie smiled smugly as Maud retrieved the small bag. She glanced at Trixie expectantly, who blushed as she remembered that it was her responsibility to magically levitate the gift over to its recipients.

“Aww, you didn’t have to give us anything!”

“Please, Trixie insists!”

“...Er, should we open it now? It isn’t gonna disturb a sleeping baby, will it?”

“Nope, not at all!”

“...Alright.”

With a shrug, Starlight carefully reached into the bag, not looking inside as her hoof made contact with its contents. The room fell silent as she slowly pulled out the gift that Trixie had so meticulously prepared.

There, in her hoof, was a carefully made collage of photographs of two totally-not-dating friends. In one photo, they nuzzled each other adorably. In another, they kissed passionately under the moonlight. In yet another, a teary-eyed mare said yes to a friend proposal. All in all, it was a beautifully made piece of craftsmanship and photography.

“T-Trixie… this is beautiful.”

“I know, I know. Trixie is a genius sometimes.”

“B-but I have to ask one little thing.”

“And what is that, Starlight?”

“Why are you giving Anon and I a collage of photographs of you and Maud?”

“Why am I… huh?”

Starlight turned the collage around to show it to everyone else present. Sure enough, every single picture was of Trixie and Maud in various friend-like poses, some of which shouldn’t be shown in public.

“Wh-where did this come from?! Maud?!” Trixie’s eyes went wide as she turned to Maud. However, she found herself freezing up as her eyes locked onto Maud’s face, which was turned away from her. She was just as stoic as always, her expression entirely unreadable, but a noticeable blush had spread across her cheeks. “...Maud?”

“I told you casting that old chaos magic trick for a gift wasn’t a good idea.”

“B-but it’s permanent now!”

“Yes, but I don’t know why, when I said my greatest desire was a collage of friend marriage photographs, you thought I meant their friend marriage instead of ours.”

“...Awwwww, Maaaaaaaauuuuuuud!”

Trixie leaned over and wrapped her arms around her friend-wife. Starlight and Anon shared a glance as they stifled a laugh at the sight. With a flick of her horn, Starlight nonchalantly sent the collage back to the other side of the room as Trixie preoccupied herself with being pelted by kisses from her just-a-friend spouse.

By the time she finally pulled away, her face was practically covered in the faint outline of smooch marks and her cheeks were quite flushed. A warm, yet somehow still cocky grin spread across her face as she leaned back in her seat and looked back to the other not-couple in the room.

“I still think you’re dating, though.”

“They obviously aren’t,” Maud retorted as she sat upright, any deviation from her typical blank expression completely gone. “They’ve just been engaged in romantic activities for several years, got married, and then had a child. As friends are known to do.”

“Hmph! Shame on you for doubting Trixie’s intuition!” she huffed as she stood from her seat. “But mark my words, I shall yet prove that the two of you are dating! Just you wait!”

“Good luck with that, Trixie,” Starlight chuckled as she rocked her quietly stirring son. “We’ll just be here. Taking care of our son. As friends.”

“I can see you out,” Anon proposed. However, by the time he had stood up, both Trixie and Maud had disappeared through the front door. “Never mind,” he sighed as he sat right back down.

The two stayed like that for a few long, quiet moments. Eventually, Starlight’s voice broke the silence.

“I think she’s onto us.”

“Yeah. We’ll need to tread carefully from now on. Can’t let anyone know we’re secretly lovers, isn’t that right~!”

Anon’s voice went light and airy as he booped his beloved son, the only creature in Equestria that knew for certain that his parents actually loved each other.

Author's Note

Another silly little one-shot while I continue to work on larger projects. :twilightsmile: