More than This

More than This

by Damocles23

Chapter Ten: The Road I’m Taking

You’re a disgusting little thing, you know that? The figure wrapped in shadows had Tiara’s voice.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to...” The little filly rolls eyes and gives her back to the figure, sniding. A cold clutch grips her heart, though: she knows perfectly well what it’s talking about.

You did it again. Have you no shame? The voice changes, morphing into Silver Spoon’s calm and refined tone. The filly flinches, but she won’t let it show. Not to her.

“I didn’t use her. Not like before. I asked her if she wanted to stay, no?”

The voice snarls, tentacles of smoke rising from the ground. Do you think she would have left you, given the chance? She loves you and you don’t care!

“That was before!” the filly yells, facing the shadow’s glowing blue eyes, “It lasted for, like, a second! I love her, too! And I’m going to make her happy forever and never leave her and...”

Like Bloom said she would? The shadow chuckles, demolishing the filly, if only for a fleeting moment, into a trembling fit. But she’s stronger than this now. She always was and now, now of all moments, she has to show it.

“What do you know about me? What do you know about those times?” Her entire body shakes and aches, as she steels herself to hold back the tears. She’s done with tears. Spoon’s gentle smile comes to mind, along with the touch of her lips. They are all she needs to cleanse herself of the hateful words. “This is different because I want it! I can have everything I want!”

“You don’t even know what you want...” the veil of darkness dissolves and melts into the ground, revealing a pinkish mare with a sad smile and blue eyes. A silver tiara stands on her head, its gleam slowly fading and her mane disheveled. “We never knew.”

“I know what I don’t want.”

“And what is that?. Being alone?” Her mocking tone drips with venom.

“No.” The filly shakes her head, sadly looking at her hooves. She notices the floor made of wooden boards beneath her and with the corner of her eye sees a spotlight in the distance. Under it, there’s a little grey filly under a tree...

“I will not hurt Spoon. I don’t want to ever see her sad again, I don’t want this. I want to make her smile every day of her life. I want her to feel loved as I love her.”

“Then why? Why are you doing this to her again?”

The two lift their gaze towards the tree. The little grey filly seems smitten, almost ecstatic, treasuring her lips like a precious relic. The same lips that touched Tiara’s.

“This is the last I’m going to ask of Spoony. Even if I fail —even if she spits me in the face — I will at least make some good... At least for my Spoony.”

“What if she leaves us?” The mare leans closer to the filly and lowers herself to meet her gaze. A deep sadness and need its etched in those eyes, the mocking tone of her words dissolved to a sincere plead. “What if we can’t do enough for her? What if it happens again?”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t try, right?...I know this is my last chance with her.” The mare and the filly look together at the tree under the spotlight and exchange a brief nod. “I just hope I can make her happy until then. That’s it.”

“Because she’s wonderful, right?” The mare sniffles. “She always was.”

“Maybe she always was the right one. But, like she said, we were just young and stupid. Both of us.” She chuckles with a grim tone. “I’m so screwed up... I’m even talking with myself.”

“Well, I’d like to say you’re the only one that holds you in high regard, but I don’t think there’s somepony you hate more than yourself, right?”

“Nope.” The filly adds a grin of weary resignation. “But somepony loved me at least. Spoony still loves me. I guess it’s enough.”

“It has to be.”

“There were so few ponies that loved me and I lost them... All of them in just one blow.” A dreadful shadow looms behind the filly that vaguely resembles a storm. She doesn’t pay attention to it, even though a cold, relentless wind stars to blow.

“Once we’re done with this thing I’ll never let her go.”

Another mare appears under another spotlight. She sports a yellow coat and a red bow and looks at the two, sadly. They both take a step toward her, but she fades more and more from their view. Each step they take spills a drop of the insurmountable pit of darkness that forever separates them. “I need some answers. Whether I’ll like them or not.”

“You will suffer if you manage to see her. You know that, right?” The mare’s tearful smile slowly fades, turning into a pensive and nebulous look. Tiara’s doubts are all still there: the waves of peace that kiss her soul didn't manage to sweep away all of them. That will take time, of course.

“Of course we are. I can’t do anything decent for myself, but for her...” A smile lights up her face and heart, piercing with incredible force the veil of darkness enveloping Tiara’s world.

“It’s all worth it!” The beautiful, ecstatic mare screams her joy at the blue sky and the vibrant light of the sun. Her world is made of light, the light that shines and nurtures everypony, the same world that allowed Silver Spoon to live in it and for that she’s grateful. The sweet taste of her kisses and the light of her smile will be treasured forever.

She reminds herself of that day and that grey filly under a tree, who wanted to comfort somepony that didn’t deserve it... and ended up with feelings that two young and stupid ponies weren't ready for.

Everytime Tiara kissed Spoon, it was a recipe for disaster and hurting... but that is the past. She can’t change the past, but she can try to build a better future. As far as she’s concerned, their first kiss wasn’t under that tree or sparked by drunken stupor and loneliness. It was on that night they shared a bed of flowers.

For the first time, Diamond Tiara awakens in her best friend and lover’s tender grasp, and knows that everything will be alright. She brushes her lips against her beloveds and holds her in a tight and tender hug, the train’s movement gently rocking both of them as Tiara basks in Silver’s melodious heartbeat. A lighthearted giggle escapes her at the thought of that being her favourite sound in the world.Second only to her laugh, of course.

She misses her laugh more than anything in the world.

“What can I do to make you smile like before?” she whispers, caressing Spoon’s cheek and planting a small kiss on her neck.

“That is a good start.”

Tiara is still buried in the grey coat when she’s surprised by the gentle voice and soft giggle by the mare beneath her. Tiara’s eyes widen, as does as her smile, before her lips are locked, without warning, with Spoon’s. Not that the simple joys of life have to always be announced, obviously.

A warm giggle passes between their mouths as Diamond Tiara feels the thriving force of Spoon’s affections and repays her with simple caresses over her well built body. Her lover doesn’t waste any time and breaks the kiss while maintaining a firm grasp of Tiara’s whiters. A torrent of kisses falls on Spoon’s grey chest until it is interrupted by a mischievous grin and a question.

“Oh, Tiara...” Another small laugh makes the mare tremble with glee. “Aren’t you worried they might hear us?”

“I could buy the whole train if I wanted,” Tiara whispers, focusing her attention on Silver’s inviting tummy, slurping her tongue against the warm surface.

‘Let them watch if they want.”

For a moment, the loud snore of the pony from the nearby bunk almost startles her. Almost; he immediately falls back into slumber and Tiara reprises her obscene smooching with a small giggle.

“Come on, T...” Spoon grumbles, but somehow still appears eager. “What if somepony catches us?”

She stops hovering her wanting lips over Spoon’s own. “Well, that depends.”

“Depends on what?” The grey mare cocks an eyebrow curious.

“Well, if we find a sexy mare we could ask her to jo-—Ouch!” Her suggestion is slapped out of her mouth by a grey hoof, followed by a pouting bespectacled face. She can’t help but contain her wild chortle.

”S-sorry.” Her laughs stop dead the moment she sees Spoon’s frown last more than she expected.The fear of having screwed up again looms over her horizon, a horrible storm that hovers nearby...

...Until Spoon chuckles too, and the world becomes bright again.

“Oh, T!” Spoon strokes her cheek, keeping her voice low, “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Of course not. I kind of deserved it, really.” Tiara chuckles. “Did you sleep well?”

“He snored,” she says as dryly as possible, pointing a hoof toward the same possible peeper from before, still in the land of dreams. “Loudly. And he’ll continue to.”

“I suppose you wouldn’t find comfort in knowing I slept like a little filly.” Thanks to you. Always thanks to you, Tiara thinks. A part of her still feels some guilt over every form of comfort she gains from that wonderful mare beside her. But love is supposed to make ponies feel like that.

Just like she feels with Bloom.

“At least one of us did.” She beams at the magenta mare. She lifts herself on her haunches, rubbing a tired eye, and carefully moves the window’s curtain. “Are we there yet?”

The wooden landscape rattles past her window: the train’s vibrations making their way into the inside the cabin.

“We should be there in a minute. Manehattan...”

Tiara gives a longing look to the world reflected through the window, repeating each syllable of the city as if to say to herself that what she’s doing is real.

“Are you sure she is there, T?” Spoon strokes Diamond’s shoulder and coats it with silent kisses.

“I hope so, or Girl-Featherweight is going to get it when we get back home.” Tiara smiles, but her mouth emits no joy. All the pointless menaces and smug attitudes are starting to feel useless and demeaning, an act that she needs but she doesn’t cherish anymore.

Like a chore.

Spoon cocks an eyebrow. “What did she say, exactly?”

“She heard of Bloom in the Big Apple and went there to see if it was true. Bloom told her that she wanted to see me. That’s it.” She wishes the orange pegasus had given her more information about it, but there was something in her eyes... a remnant from the past that keeps tormenting her. She’s lucky she told her this much.

“And you want to see her again?” Spoon’s warm breath on her back turns colder, almost like she’s afraid.

“Closure, Spoony. Closure. I don’t want my last memory of her to be me spitting at her in the face.”

“She said that horrible thing about your dad... didn’t she?”

Spoon’s words bring back the awful truth. The mouth she had kissed so many times and had whispered countless words that nopony ever said or meant, the same mouth that had made her a real mare... had spoken unforgivable things. In the end, there was still some love in her heart for Applebloom and for that, and only for that, she still can’t believe it was real. That love gave her a second chance that she hopes to not regret.

“Yeah, but...I want to know why.” She throws away the cheap blanket and gets off the bed to grab a tiny luggage with the teeth, dragging it closer to the two.

“I want to know if after all we had, all we shared, if this is really the end. I want to know if she lied to me all that time.” She takes another look outside and gazes again at the approaching city. “If she truly loved me, she wouldn’t have meant those words.”

“You know...” Spoon pulls the other mare to her chest in that alluring way that Diamond knows and loves... and knows that something hard to say is going to come out of those lips.

“I still don’t know all the details about you two and, frankly, I respect your decision, but what happens next? After you have those answers?” The grey mare strokes Tiara’s cheek with a hoof and plants a soft kiss on her muzzle.

“I guess we go home and live happily ever after, like in those fairy tales.” Tiara throws herself at her best friend, her lover, her world, wrapping around her in a bone crushing hug. “We forget about country hicks, unhappiness, and heartaches and focus on living for once. You and I: sappy as we can be!” She touches Spoon’s forehead with her own, tender smile facing tender smile. “If you want it, of cour—”

“I do!” she cuts her off with the speed of light.

“I mean, if you have any second th-”

“Nope! Not a single one!” Spoon’s smile grows wider and wider by the minute.

Tiara’s heart pumps and joy fills her being.

“I love you so much.” She lets out a frustrated sigh, “I wish I could say something different, something cute. I don’t mean it as a cliche, but I feel every word. I love you.”

“I love you too, Tiara. I don’t need more.” Their lips brush against each other for a brief moment, “If you mean it, it’s the best thing you could say to me.”

“You’re amazing, you know it? Never change, Spoony. “

“I won’t.”

Their kiss feels like a dream, the caress of a benevolent being that assures them that everything will be alright. Tiara remembers her first night with Spoon and her desperate prayer to Princess Luna. I want to make this work, she had pleaded, and for once in her life a voice answered back, granting her more than she had ever dared to hope. She never was the Goddess fearing type, but she owed Luna something after all...and even more to Spoony.

Feel loved again.It’s the only thing she ever wanted and it’s there, right in her hooves and she won’t screw up this time. She can’t, or she’ll lose the best thing that’s ever happened to her. So much meaning in her and only one pony...The first thing she’s going to do upon their return to Ponyville is ask her to come live with her. She’s a grown mare now and the house feels so empty...

The steam of the train rises like a fog and obscures the two mares standing on the platform. All around them, a horde of passengers swarms over all over the station, shouting requests, waving hellos and goodbyes, picking up luggage, setting down luggage, running, and walking.

A shrill voice rises above the swarm making their way on and off the train, shouting vile expletives while mercifully cut off by everypony bumping into her. Silver Spoon looks around, embarrassed, keeping close to Tiara, but not enough to make somepony think she’s with that pony with the bad temper.

“Come on! Move you bunch of-Ouch!” Tiara’s muzzle bumps into something for the umpteenth time. She tries to turn and search for her companion, but to no avail. “Spoony, come on: follow me! I think I got-ouch!”

“Couldn’t you have waited for everypony to get out?” Spoon’s voice comes from the rump of an incredibly muscular stallion.

“Maybe they could’ve waited for a lady to step down!” She adjusts the dark shades on her nose, further muddling her view.

“And whats with the glasses?” The grey mare manages to wiggle herself out of the crowd and appears beside Tiara.

“I won’t risk the chance of somepony recognizing me here.”

“Actually, you told me you came here just a couple of times,” Spoon mumbles rolling her eyes, eliciting a confused glare from her fillyfriend. At least she guesses that is how she should be called now. It hasn’t exactly been established, but... some things about relationships should be obvious, some words should not be pressed upon.

If they manage to get out from that pile of smelly and uncouth travelers, they’re gonna have some time to clarify it.

“Wasn’t somepony supposed to meet us at the station? An address at least?” Spoon continues, so close to the magenta mare that her flank brushes against hers.

“Well, yeah. There should be somepony here, but she didn’t...tell...me...” Her mind stops and her mouth goes dry. The crowd disperses itself like fog while the voice of Silver Spoon sounds distant and irrelevant. Something appears in the distance: a flash of red that glistens in the wind, a firm figure that looks pretty, even with a certain build and stands tall among the rubble.

The colour of that coat, even if darkened by her shades, immediately makes her heart skip several heartbeats. The figure starts to turn, and Tiara is not ready, not ready at all— never was.

Her legs turn to jelly and wobble, and her mouth goes so dry it burns.

Every plan she has, every word she wishes to say is gone, gone, gone, burned by the mere sight of a lost love. Cold sweat dirties her elegant coat and every breath crushes her like having a boulder on top of her lungs.

Thankfully, Spoon is there for her, always she needs it the most. A loving foreleg circles her shoulder, stopping her from shaking, like a lifeboat in the sea of her soul, tainted after so much pain. A storm ravages those once calm waters, the same storm that she knows and fears from the day she met her...and the day she broke her heart.

She steels herself with the same knowledge that helped her change and accept the present: The past is dead. A new mare is facing this and this new mare is here to make sure that nothing hurts her again. She gently slips away from Spoon’s tender hold, with great difficult, and removes her shades with theatrical aplomb to meet her destiny.

“Hello, Bloom,” she says, waving her silken mane around, “long time no see.”

“Well, close enough I guess...” says a voice, quite embarrassed.

Tiara’s pupils widen and her cool goes tumbling off into the distance. In front of her eyes is a completely different, but still remarkably similar mare. Somepony with her own kind of beauty, but still possessing the familiar family traits. A long silken red mane adorns her round face, matched by a much darker shade of orange than she saw before, not that the glasses helped to make the distinction...

Maybe Spoon was right, after all. Her cutie mark should have been a clue: three dark seeds in a circle with the smaller tips pointed toward each other’s.

The mare gives an awkward smile and takes a quick glance at Tiara’s flank, “Well, I guess you are...”

“Oh my gosh, you’re Babs...Something!” Tiara returns the smile with all the sincerity of a politician.

“...Diamond Tiara,” Babs Seed finishes, unfazed.

“Oh, my gosh. haven’t seen you in like, forever!” Spoon says excited, before giving a subtle wink with a hint of disgust that says: since you threw us in the mud. Tiara flashes a sly smile in response.

“Yeah, true.” Babs adds a weak chuckle, “Just look at us! It seems only yesterday we were little fillies...”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t yesterday, more like ten years or so. Anyway, where’s Bloom?” Tiara shatters every semblance of composure with the only question that she wants answered in the world.

“Well, you get to the point quickly.” The two mares exchange an embittered glare. “I still don’t know why Coz wanted to see you so badly.”

“Pray that you never know. But I think your Coz gave you the short version.”

“She told me enough.” Babs goes toward the street and whistles for a nearby cab, “She told me you’re the reason she came here.”

“Oh, don’t you start judging me, too,” says Tiara with massive, undiluted weariness. She wasn’t expecting anything else, but...It still hurts. It still hurts that Bloom thinks that.

“What did she tell you exactly?” Her voice trembles as Spoon offers her hoof to help get on the carriage.

“She wrote me a letter saying she needed some time away from home and then, a few days later, she’s at my doorstep and breaks down crying. Her heart had broke into tiny little pieces.”

The carriage shudders with their weight as the trio take a seat.

“And all because of you. So forgive If I’m not exactly welcoming toward you.” She gives a little tap on the inner wall of the carriage and says, “132 Hoffington Street, please.” The carriage starts moving at once.

“You know nothing about me.” Tiara leans against the seat, keeping herself as close to Spoon as possible, hoping for a protective gesture or comfort.

“But I know Applebloom enough.” Babs leans forward, staring right into Tiara’s icy blue eyes.

I knew it!

The hateful mask that is so characteristic of her returns. Yet, somehow, the pang of regret obscures what should be joy in her soul. She misses her as she misses Bloom.

Of course. It must be like that.

Maybe the two mares will find some closure with her arrival... It could be worse, after all. At least she has to try to stop Bloom’s suffering.

I’m here now. No turning back.

“So what have you been up to, you two? Life in the big city and all that?” Tiara sighs in relief; Spoon did them both a favor and broke the incredibly awkward atmosphere.

“I work as a teacher, actually. You know, shaping the minds of young foals and fillies, helping them find their way—”

“Really?” Tiara chortles, “still in the Crusading business?”

“Technically, yes. I never saw it that way, but the concept is the same. Got some problem with that?”

“It’s just that from your Cutie Mark looked like you were into, I don’t know, seeds or something. Maybe even dung, plantation and all...”

“Do you have some kind of medical condition that compels you to be a b—”

A wheel of the cab hits a small rock lying on the road, making the whole carriage tremble, and the word is lost among the sounds of rustling wood. An awkward, painful silence follows with a vengeance, further proving that maybe Tiara’s venomous tongue has a will of its own. There is some comfort, of course, in Silver Spoon’s timid giggling, which she gingerly covers with a hoof.

Someday, somehow, things will go back to normal, with that pony by her side and making her feel worthy again.

Even if it means putting up with stupid jokes like that.

“What a crappy day...”

She hears a figure trudging along the darkened hallway, before reaching the door to her cousin’s flat. She removes the very uncomfortable horseshoes, throwing them onto the floor and searches with a hoof for the light switch.

All the while, she tries avoiding the piles of discarded clothes on the floor and, suddenly, as soon as the artificial light hits both mares in the eyes, Diamond Tiara finally sees her.

She doesn’t know what to call her, what she deserves to call her.

“Hi, Bloom.” Tiara says calmly and with a timid smile, sitting on the couch.

“Celestia Almighty!” Bloom almost faints, utterly intimated by the serene expression of the mare she loved. “Ah-Ah...What are ya doing here?”

“Well, you wanted to see me, right?”

Please don’t do this to me again, please.

“Y-Yes! Ah mean...how did you ya...?”

“The pegasus, um, what’s her name...”

“Scootaloo!” she yells like the mare in question is right there in the room.

“And your cousin, too. They told me you wanted to see me.”

“But...Yeah, it’s true. It’s just ah didn’t expect for you to really come. Ah though ya never wanted to see me again.”

“I’m here, instead. Surprise.” Tiara fakes a smile that dies out like a flower in the snow. She lifts herself from the couch, every fiber of her being screaming at her to hug the mare who has broken her heart...and fighting with herself to avoid it. “I wanted to see you.”

“Why, Tiara?” Bloom takes a deep breath and finally closes the distance to the other pony.

“That’s a question I need to ask you. Why did you do it?”

The moment of the truth arrives with the strength of a sledgehammer to the stomach. She has formulated the question so many times, but she hasn’t got the time nor the need of subtlety.

“Why?” she repeats, and will repeat it as may times as possible.

Time itself stops and only those two and their pasts exist, missing only one piece.

The thunderstorm gathers again around them, like the day she said goodbye to her father, and both of them know that day won’t end until the light of the truth shines upon them.

“If you ever loved me, tell me why,” Tiara blurts out, almost tearing herself apart for the sheer strain of holding back all the tears she stored for this moment.

“Ah thought ya already knew.Because it’s all mah fault.”