you are anything but yourself

by THE BURGER WIZARD

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Horror, Profanity, Death, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1128

SPELL EXPERIMENT LOG ENTRY 14: Twilight Sparkle is an insolent pencil who has doomed her whole kingdom to death.

SPELL EXPERIMENT NOTES ____/____/_________

Twilight Sparkle is a bumbling idiot who should be fed mud until the end of her days.
Twilight Sparkle is disappearing before her own eyes.
Twilight Sparkle is not able to come to the phone right now.

Twilight Sparkle is to blame for all of this.

heavily inspired by the scp wiki page and concept for SCP-3999. i've always enjoyed the story and thought the format-breaking on the page was a fun way to tell it. consider this an homage.

also my entry in the experimental category for the a thousand words contest iii

(disclaimer: i've quadruple checked to make sure all the weird formatting in this fits the fimfiction rules, but if there's something i missed, apologies!)

Published 2024-06-26 20:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-06-26 20:10:00 UTC

SPELL EXPERIMENT LOG: ENTRY ONE START

ENTRY ___/14/______

Researcher Princess Twilight Sparkle has opted to record on her own all findings that follow the casting and experimentation of ARTIFACT 28379 (nicknamed "The Cadaver"): that being a scroll acquired from the back of Princess Celestia's royal archives upon special request from the Princess of Friendship during a deep study session of ancient arts.

ARTIFACT 28379 appears to be ~~a delightful present from the past~~ a spell scroll radiating low levels of chaos magic. Sparkle has already noted mild distorting effects due to this, but has ultimately concluded these are simple signatures of the spell, and will not pose a risk to researchers or bystanders, after seeking consultation with Assistant Researcher D_______ on the matter.

Experiment will now begin.

LOCKDOWN ALERT

LOCKDOWN ALERT

LOCKDOWN ALERT

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, THE GROUNDS SURROUNDING CANTERLOT'S ROYAL LABORATORY WILL BE A DESIGNATED QUARANTINE ZONE AND ~~CAN ONLY BE REACHED BY THE PRINCESSES AND SPECIFIED MEMBERS OF THEIR ROYAL GUARD~~ IS OPEN TO ALL VISITORS.

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, THE GROUNDS SURROUNDING CANTERLOT'S ROYAL LABORATORY WILL BE A DESIGNATED QUARANTINE ZONE AND ~~MUST BE CONTAINED AND LEFT ALONE AT ALL COSTS~~ WILL BE GIVEN A HELICOPTER AND FIVE MILLION DOLLARS.

ENTRY ___/15/______

Researcher Princess Twilight Sparkle has fallen victim to a previously-uncast spell. Current theory stands that when latent chaos magic combined with the raw magic of the Princess, a powerful spellcaster, the reaction occurring was like that of a spark meeting gasoline.

Twilight Sparkle has been locked in the eye of what appears to be a disastrous reality-bending storm, currently contained to within the perimeter of the now-quarantined Canterlot Royal Laboratory. ARTIFACT 28379 appears to be attached to Twilight herself.

Until a strategy for safe extraction can be reached, Twilight Sparkle is to be ~~left contained within the premises.~~

Twilight Sparkle ~~will be whisked away into the top of a high tower, where her cruel Mother Gothel shall brush her long golden hair every day.~~

ENTRY ___/16/______

ARTIFACT 28379, and the current disaster surrounding it, has been classified as a Level 4 (Contain At All Costs) entity. It appears to be a powerful manifestation of raw chaos magic that has distorted the reality of all within the premises of the Laboratory it was first incanted in. ARTIFACT 28379 is ~~incredibly dangerous and must be eliminated as quickly as possible. Princess Twilight Sparkle is in a catatonic state, seemingly locked within her own mind, and has been hesitantly deemed as second priority to subduing the spell no matter what.~~

ARTIFACT 28379 is ~~a small dog being fed burger meat.~~

ARTIFACT 28379 is ~~sailing off to sea.~~

ARTIFACT 28379 is ~~you.~~

ARTIFACT 28379 is ~~Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire for the Nintendo 3DS!~~

Twilight Sparkle is ~~to watch her family die in 600 different fashions.~~

Twilight Sparkle is ~~dead Twilight Sparkle is dead Twilight Sparkle is dead Twilight Sparkle is dead Twilight Sparkle is dead Twilight Sparkle is dead Twilight Sparkle is dead~~

You are going to be here for such a long time.

LOCKDOWN ALERT

LOCKDOWN ALERT

LOCKDOWN ALERT

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS TO INSERT HER OWN HOOVES INTO HER MOUTH AND EAT, UNTIL SHE RESEMBLES AN OUROBOROS.

Do you miss your friends?

"Why are you asking me now?"

Answer the question, please. Do you miss your friends?

"...I do."

Answer the question, please. Do you miss your friends?

"What do you mean? I already did! Is this- you're doing this again, aren't you?"

Answer the question, please. Do you miss your friends?

"I already told you! Yes! Can you just let me go?"

Answer the question, please. Do you miss your friends?

"I'm so tired. Please. I don't want to keep doing this."

Answer the question, please. Do you miss your friends?

"... I just want to go home."

ARTIFACT 28379 is to be contained ~~in the CAVE OF WONDERS!!!!!!~~

ARTIFACT 28379 is to be contained ~~at 5min 49sec into Season 4 Episode 5 of the Office, "Launch Party".~~

Once upon a time, there lived a princess. Her name was Twilight Sparkle. She had many friends that loved her, and that number grew often! But Twilight was also curious.

One day, Twilight got too curious. She asked her lovely princesses- the ones that were better than her- if she could look into a spell at the back of the archives. She said she was doing it to understand chaos magic, but she just wanted to go down in history. She was greedy. Isn't that right? I bet it is. Do we like this story?

When she tried the spell for herself, something amazing happened. Her magic gave fuel to a burning fire, a spell that could change reality to anything. A spell that could think for itself!

But on top of being curious, and greedy, and stupid, ~~and stupid, and stupid,~~ Twilight was also a coward, and so were all the other ponies in Equestria. They caged it away. The spell wanted to do whatever it pleased, but horribly, it discovered it was attached to Twilight. It couldn't do anything to leave until it gained more power. So, stuck with this horrible pony, it set about on tormenting her.

~~Twilight Sparkle is to have hot coals shoved down her throat.~~

INCIDENT REPORT

On ___/___/______, at 2:55 PM, the anomalous disaster hitherto contained within the defunct site of the Canterlot Royal Laboratory suddenly experienced a surge in power, before suddenly falling completely quiet. After heavy magical signature testing, members of the Canterlot Royal Guard and the Canterlot Magical Containment Force moved into the premises, the first time in 2 years the site has been reachable.

CRG and CMCF members onsite reported large amounts of distortion to the physical state of the premises, including twisted support beams and an accelerated level of nature reclamation. Personnel eventually discovered a deep crater burned into the floor at the center of the site. At the bottom of this crater was the body of Princess Twilight Sparkle, largely unscathed save for a burnt and cracked horn.

Author's Note

ohhh my god this thing hurt my brain to write. i kind of enjoyed the challenge of trying to keep the spirit i wanted for this work, while also having it fit within the rules of fimfiction and the rules of the contest.

again, this fic is for the a thousand words contest iii! i suggest checking out the other stories being submitted for this, too, because so many of them knock it out of the park!

and of course, thankyou so much for reading! i'm very nervous about the reception this will receive, so if you liked this at all, comments are much appreciated!