MORE Ponies in My House!by WhispersInTheDarkChapters"Looks like it's 'Beer O'Clock'...""Here we go again..."Twilight Sparkle: Ear Scritch Pimp"Beer and Learnin!'""Let the Ass-Chewing Begin!""You have GOT to be kidding me...""I'm too young and beautiful! TAKE HIM INSTEAD!!""Looks like it's 'Beer O'Clock'..."The very next day I heard scratching at my door...that sounded familiar. I smiled, and flung my door open, hoping to see my friends. I was only partially disappointed. There stood Rainbow, or "Bolt," but Fluttershy was nowhere in sight. Instead, she'd brought an orange pony with a blonde mane...who was wearing a cowboy hat. I took a step back, because I noticed the red ribbons tied in the blonde pony's tail, and I knew from visiting my grandfather's horse farm red ribbons means a horse is likely to bite and kick. Even so, I smiled and waved a hand at my friend. "Hi, Rainbow!" I gestured. "Who is this?" Rainbow threw a hoof over her friend's shoulder and gave her a hug, while the friend took off her (obviously a mare) hat and nodded up to me. I grinned again and stepped aside, as they both came in and looked around. It was then I noticed Rainbow was wearing what looked like saddlebags, for the next thing she did was to open one with a wing, take out a pencil and a pad of paper, and then write me a note while holding the pencil in her mouth. That had to be an awkward way of writing, compared to the way I'd seen Twilight use her freaky magic, but it didn't look like Rainbow had any trouble. I guess they were used to doing things that way. When she finished, she tore the sheet off and gave it to me with a wing. Sury it tuk sow log tu se yu Karl, butte i verri busi! Tis mai frend Aplejck, an shi wat tu meat yu! Plus, shi wat BEER! Yu haf? I laughed and nodded, then went to get pen and paper of my own. At least now we had some way to talk to one another directly, even if "Bolt's" spelling sucked. I pointed to my couch and invited them to sit as I made my way over to the kitchen and started rummaging around the drawers, looking for a pen. I heard my TV click on and looked up to see Rainbow holding my remote in both hooves and using her nose to press the buttons. I shook my head and kept searching. I know I have a pen in here somewhere! Then, just as I finally found a pen, they must have tuned into some sort of 'Micheal Bay' film, for the room was suddenly filled with the sounds of gunfire, explosions, and cool dialogue. I looked at the two, and they had both frozen, with eyes wide, staring at the screen in wonder. The remote fell listlessly out of Rainbow's hooves and onto the floor as she and her 'cowgirl' friend became practically catatonic, not even blinking as the explosions continued, more shots rang out, and I could hear the good guys exchanging wisecracks with the bad guys. Nothing I hadn't seen a million times, but judging from their reaction, this was obviously their first time. I chuckled to myself and turned back to my cabinets, got out the popcorn, fired up my popcorn maker, and then checked my fridge for some beers. I had one six-pack left (Thank God!), so I grabbed three and took two over to my guests. I popped them open and set them on the coffee table in front of them, but they never took their eyes off the TV. A particularly loud explosion went off, and they both flinched and gasped but leaned forward together and kept watching. I took a moment to gaze at the screen and recognized the movie. Unfortunately for my guests, they'd tuned in during the last ten minutes of the film, so it would be ending soon. By the time I'd put the fresh popcorn in a bowl and slathered it with melted butter, the credits were rolling, which had broken them both out of their stupor. They blinked, looked at each other for a second, and then began scrambling for the remote. The blonde pony got her hooves on it first, but Rainbow tried to grab it, which resulted in the two of them tussling and rolling all over my couch! And while I still couldn't understand their language, the things they were yelling at each other as they fought did NOT sound like, "Terribly sorry, old chap, but I DO believe I had this device first!" "Hey!" I yelled, with a beer in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other, "Cut the shit! You're gonna break my furniture!" My tone must have gotten through to them, for they froze: the blonde pony..."Apple..Jack?" had one of Rainbow's wings in her teeth and a hoof in her face, while Rainbow had managed to get the remote back and was holding it out with one hoof while using the other to push her friend away, as they both were looking up at me. I quickly set my beer down and snagged the remote. I shook it at them as they let each other go and sat up. "My house, MY remote!" Sometimes, words aren't needed. They looked at each other, blushed, then looked up at me and nodded. Apple Jack looked around for her hat, while Rainbow suddenly noticed the beers. As her friend put her hat back on, Rainbow nudged her and pointed at the drinks excitedly! She gave her one while talking animatedly as the blonde listened with what seemed to be a skeptical expression. I set the popcorn on the table and seated myself next to Rainbow as she finally convinced her friend to take a sip. ...aaaaaand now I have TWO drunks on my hands... The blonde didn't just LIKE her beer, she fucking LOVED it! She took ONE sip of her beer, paused for a second, finished it off, grabbed Rainbow's, guzzled that one, and then looked up at the one in my hand...and smiled. I shook my head. "No way, bitch..." I took my time slooooowly drinking from my can, smacked my lips, and went, "MMMMM..." very loudly. She gazed up at me with a flat expression, then grabbed Rainbow's pencil and paper. After writing on it, she rolled the paper into a ball and bounced it off my nose. I picked it up, unrolled and read it: jackass I grinned at her, then held up one finger in a "wait right there" motion. Taking MY beer with me, I went to my fridge to get the last three. Her eyes grew wide as she saw me approaching with her new "Precious," but before I gave the beers to the two of them, I wrote my own note and gave it to her: This is it. There are no more. They both stared at the note, puzzling over it, then looked up at me. I sighed, then pointed to the beers, pointed back to my kitchen, and shook my head. I then set the beers down and opened them. Apple Jack and Rainbow looked at each other, then Rainbow began writing: By mor? I read the note and then shook my head. I took out my wallet, opened it to show them it was empty, and then pulled out my pockets to show the same. "Sorry, ladies: one week until my payday... no more cash until then." They looked at me, then at each other...and then smiled. Rainbow wrote again: noe problm I frowned. "What do you mean, 'no problem?' I just said I'm bro...holy shit..." I looked up from the note at the ponies, only to see Rainbow had pulled out a FUCKTON of hundred-dollar bills from her saddlebag. "Here we go again..."After I was honored by a visit from the Pony Princess, I became pretty famous for a while. Apparently, Her Nibs did not make a habit of visiting Earth residences without prior weeks of planning, so Her visit to my humble abode had caused quite the stir. As I'd mentioned before, when the aliens first arrived, I hadn't paid too much attention to them, for my town wasn't big enough (apparently) for them to visit, so no one around here had seen any of them. That all changed after my little encounter. To this day, I have no idea how "Bolt" ended up on my front porch, but for whatever reason, that had started a chain of events that eventually led to Her Highness visiting me, which in turn made me into a minor celebrity. I hated it. For one, I'm a staunch introvert. I have a few friends, but overall, I like my privacy. For two, I have no patience for being stopped on the street and being bombarded with stupid fucking questions from people I don't know and could give two shits about asking me personal stuff about my life that made no fucking sense! "Sir! Are you working for the ponies now?" "Will they be staying with you?!" "How do your parents feel about you dating an alien?!" "Are you going to be moving to Equestria?!" Fortunately for me, Celestia kept the true purpose of Her visit between us and my friends, and because of that, the news hounds lost interest, and my life eventually returned to normal. I still kept a weather eye out for my friends, hoping they'd drop by someday, but after many weeks passed with no sign of their returning, I figured "Bolt" and "Butterfly," as I still sometimes thought of them, had more important tasks to do. That was until this morning when I felt an unease growing while I was still asleep. I tossed my head from side to side and woke up, only to see two purple eyes staring back at me. Right in my face. "GAHHH!" I screamed as I sat straight up. "Who the HELL are you, and what are you doing in my house?!" But the pony had merely taken flight and hovered a few feet away at my outburst and just watched me as if I was some sort of rare specimen. That pissed me off! I climbed off my bed and got to my feet. "I said, who the HELL are you?!" pointing a finger in the pony's face. Instead of answering, the pony lit its horn(!), levitated a pad of paper and a quill, and started writing! I just stared. The only other pony I'd seen so far with a horn and wings had been Her Highness, so unless Her kind were a dime a dozen on their world, then this one was just like Her. And that meant this one had to be Royalty as well. And I had just cursed at it. I was just clearing my throat to apologize for my outburst when I got my second shock that morning: my bedroom door opened, and a little purple and green dragon walked in, carrying a breakfast tray! I lost it. "What in the ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON?!" The dragon gave me a pensive look, then glanced up at the pony. The pony nodded, and then the dragon approached me, stopped, and offered me the tray. I looked down at it. The tray was brimming with a steaming plate of scrambled eggs covered in cheese, waffles with syrup, blueberry muffins, buttered toast, a huge glass of orange juice, and a vase with a flower in it! I hesitated, then took the tray. "Umm...thanks?" The dragon gave me a 'thumbs-up,' smiled at the pony, then left, closing my door behind it. I looked down at the tray, then carried it over to my dresser and set it down, then faced the pony, who had landed and was now levitating a piece of paper over to me. Curious, I caught it from midair and began reading: Good Morning, Carl. I am Her Highness The Princess Twilight Sparkle, but you may call me Twilight. I apologize for entering your home without your prior permission, but I was so fascinated by stories about you from Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy that I could not wait to meet you! Sadly, I do not possess Fluttershy's talent for speaking to non-Pony races, so this means of communication will have to suffice until I can come up with a way to bridge our language barrier. Besides being a Princess, I am also an accomplished scientist, so I am therefore confident I can eventually find a means for the two of us to communicate directly. I also know that my mentor, Princess Celestia, had no difficulty speaking your language during Her brief visit, but to my frustration, She has withheld Her secret, stating, "It would be more fun for me to find out on my own!" In the meantime, please enjoy the breakfast my Number One Assistant Spike has prepared for you. With your permission, we will meet again soon!" I put down the note and stared at her. "Huh. Another Princess." I nodded towards the door. "With a dragon named 'Spike' for an assistant, no less." I picked up the fork and took a bite of the eggs, then smiled. "...who is an excellent cook!" The...Princess...had been watching me with a blank expression, but when she saw my smile, she smiled back. Then, her face went red, and she hastily scribbled out another note and gave it to me. The entire atmosphere in the room suddenly got weird, so I dreaded to read what she'd written. When I did read it, I almost laughed out loud: I...heard that you're good at...ear scritches? Chuckling, I walked over to her and said, "I guess I owe you one for the breakfast. But no moaning!" As I scritched the ears of my second-ever Princess, I realized I had just made another friend for life from her reaction. Twilight Sparkle: Ear Scritch Pimp"Umm...Twilight? She's...here again. She's insisting on speaking to you." Twilight sat back at her desk and sighed. "Spike, how many times does this make?" Spike twiddled with his claws. "I'm sure you know, Twilight." She nodded and started massaging her temples. After a few moments, she sighed again, took a deep breath, and looked up. "Alright, send her in." Twilight put on a determined face as Spike turned, opened the door, and waved to the pony waiting outside in the hall. Immediately, there sounded an "eeeeeee!" and hoofsteps running for the door! Spike went, "waitwaitwait!" but was bowled over by a pale green unicorn mare with crazy eyes running into Twilight's study! Screeching to a stop in front of her desk, Lyra practically shouted, "Thank you THANK YOU for seeing me, Princess Twilight!" She spun her head around, reached into a saddlebag, pulled out a bouquet of roses, and slammed them on the desk! "These are for you! To show my appreciation! Not like they're a bribe, or anything! JUST to show how much I LOVE you, and—" her mouth was suddenly wrapped in bright, purple arcane bands. Patiently, Twilight began. "Lyra, we have been over and over this: I cannot move you forward on the queue, as there is an agreement between the Humans and Equestria on the number of ponies that can visit their world at a given time. In order for you to go sooner, somepony that is enjoying their vacation now would have to volunteer to cut it short so that you could enter their world early, and I do not have to explain to you how unfair that would be. I'm afraid you will simply have to wait, as I have explained to you many, many times. Am I clear?" Lyra's shoulders visibly slumped before Twilight slowly released her from her restraints, and then she bowed her head as a tear slowly slid down her cheek. "...it's not fair..." she whispered. Twilight cocked her head. "I'm sorry, I did not quite catch that." Lyra looked up at her, her watery eyes filled with hurt. "I said, it's not fair. Nopony loves Humans more than me! I've been laughed at for years and called names behind my back because of my...my...love for Humans! I've spent so much time trying to convince everypony that they were real, and once they were discovered, and I was proven RIGHT, I should have been one of the first to be allowed to visit them once the portal was developed!" She sniffed as another tear fell down her face. "Why was I slighted, Your Highness? Can you at least tell me that?" Twilight came around the desk and led her over to her lounge area, a place designed by Rarity for this very purpose. "Please sit down, for this might take some time." I looked down at the monster wad of bills Rainbow was holding out and whispered, "...fuck me..." She was still smiling as she stuffed it into my hands, then pointed to the beers, and then out the door. I dropped the cash as if it burned me. "No fucking way! I have NO clue how ponies are walking around with enough cash to buy and sell my ass, along with everything I own!" I stared at the money now littering my carpet. "There has to be at least $10,000 here! How in the fuck did you get all this?!" They both were staring up at me blankly, so I looked around for my pen and paper and wrote down my "pleasant" thoughts: How. IN THE FUCK. Did you get all this money?! Rainbow frowned as she tried to read the note, then gave it to Apple Jack. Apple Jack read it, thought for a moment, then took her friend's pencil and pad and wrote her own note: Pone Apples. Huemons buy Apple Fambly Apples. I stared at the note, then looked at them, then back down at the pile again. "Seriously? You got all this money from selling apples? How many did you sell?" Then I shook my head again at my stupidity and wrote it down. Apple Jack wrote her reply, but before she could give it to me, Rainbow added a note at the bottom: Not many Apple. Huemon LUV pone Apples, pay HUGE monies. nowe by mor BEER? I shrugged. "Okay." I bent down and picked up one of the Benjamins, then wrote: I'm only getting ONE case of beer because I don't want you two to get too drunk! They read the note and beamed at me. Rainbow got behind me and began pushing me towards the door. "Alright, alright, don't rush me. I'm going, jeez!" It wasn't until I was driving a block away before I asked myself why they didn't simply buy the beer themselves. "Tea?" She shook her head. "No, thank you, Your Highness...I'd really like to know why I've been wronged in such a way. What did I do?" Twilight looked toward the window and sighed, gathering her thoughts. Finally, she answered, "Lyra, it wasn't anything you did...it was what we were all afraid you might do." She held up a hoof to stop the indignant response she saw about to burst out of Lyra's lips and continued. "Despite all your assurances of how wonderful Humans are, and I want you to know that we did take your advice into consideration, we were still dealing with a new, unknown species. We really had no idea how they would react upon meeting us, which was why the first envoys were hoof-picked by myself and Princess Celestia; we needed ponies that would present the best Equestria had to offer as well as be able to defend themselves in case the Humans turned out to be hostile." "And this turned out to be a prudent course of action, for our first contacts were indeed met with fear and suspicion on the part of the Humans." Lyra had been listening intently, but at this last, her eyes grew wide, and she raised a hoof. "F...fear? Suspicion? But...but...why? How were we a threat?" The look of disappointment and...betrayal...on her face nearly broke Twilight's heart. She reached over and gently took her hoof. "We're still trying to understand. But as well as I can guess, the Humans live on a world where they are the only sapient species and have never had contact with any others. Until our arrival, they believed they were the only planet with intelligent life residing upon it, and it was such a culture shock for them to find out otherwise that there are still some who are trying to come to terms with the knowledge." Twilight sighed and finished with, "And, just like we ponies, Humans fear what they don't understand." Lyra looked away and grew silent, trying to process what she'd just learned. Then, her eyes widened with dawning realization, and she looked her Princess in the eyes. "So...that's why I wasn't allowed to visit at first: you all were sparing me from seeing my dreams...shattered...and were afraid of what I might do?" Twilight sadly nodded. "We had to wait until Pony relations were stable between ourselves and the Humans before we allowed a pony as excited about them as you are going over...even now, there are still some restrictions in place that we're trying to work out." Lyra raised an eyebrow. "Such as?" "Ponies aren't allowed to purchase items such as alcohol, weapons, or illegal drugs, although that last item is moot for the Pony biological system is immune to most Earth pharmaceuticals. I personally agree with these particular proscriptions, but I know of a few ponies that wouldn't mind getting their hooves on some Earth alcohol." Her eyes turned inward at some errant memory, but she smiled and said nothing. "And, of course, there's the limit on how many ponies are allowed on Earth among the Humans at any given time, which our two Embassies keep strict track." Twilight sighed again and added, "And then...there were a few problems that we caused that were blown out of proportion by the Humans...which involved...ear and belly scritches." Lyra's eyes widened. "I heard about those! What exactly happened?" Twilight grimaced. "Some ponies...liked them too much, and I'm sorry to say they made themselves a nuisance." She added defensively, "It was nothing close to the numbers the Human press were reporting, but there were quite a few ponies who simply would not stop pestering every Human they met for their..."service." These ponies were found and swiftly dealt with...in the form of being quickly sent back to Equestria and banned from returning to Earth. But the damage had already been done. Now, the majority of Humans have been warned by their news agencies not to give ponies ear or belly scritches for fear of the same happening." Lyra laid her own ears back. "That's a shame. I heard they're really nice." Twilight's eyes grew dreamy. "Oh, they are..." Lyra did a double take. "Wait! You've had your..." she stopped and grimly smiled. "Of course, you have. You're a Princess." Lyra drew her hooves back and stood. "Thank you for your time, Princess Twilight. It was very...enlightening." As she turned to go, Twilight said, "Wait a moment." Lyra looked back over her shoulder. "Yes?" The Princess grinned and gestured for her to come closer. Puzzled, the unicorn carefully walked back up to her, then her confusion grew as Twilight checked to make sure the door was shut with her magic, then whispered in her ear, "...would you like to have...your ears...scritched?" Lyra's eyes widened, and she quickly nodded as she pranced in place and barely held back a squee! Twilight smiled, checked the door once again, then whispered once more: "...I know a guy..." "Beer and Learnin!'"NEVER AGAIN Never again will I try to teach two ponies who were obviously in some competition with each other long before they met me while shit-faced... I am in SO much trouble... It started out friendly enough. As soon as I came through the door with the case, I saw they were both arm wrestling (hoof wrestling?) with a pile of the cash set between them. The blonde had a slightly higher pile, and they were glaring at each other as they strained to drive the others' hoof down onto the table, with teeth clenched and sweat pouring off their foreheads. "Wow," I said, "...you two need to get out more..." As soon as I spoke, they broke their hoof-lock with each other; their eyes went as big as saucers (well, slightly bigger) when they spotted the beer and practically bowled me over! "Hang on, hang on, FUCK! Give me a chance to set this thing down!" I said as I held it up out of their reach, as the two of them jumped up around me like toddlers with their hooves frantically reaching up in 'gimme that!' gestures. And that's when my 'winged' friend must have remembered she had...well...wings, because her eyes grew bright, she grinned like a she-devil, then took off and yoinked the case right out of my hands! "Hey, you crazy bitch! Come back here!!" I yelled as I gave chase! The little blue cunt was waaaay stronger than she looked, for that case was almost her body length and at least twenty pounds, yet she had no problem keeping out of my reach as she buzzed around my downstairs while laughing her ass off at me the entire time! While the blonde was on her back, with tears rolling down her cheeks as she held her stomach and rocked back and forth, howling with laughter. That did it! I grit my teeth. "This. Ends. NOW." I waited until "Flying Girl" was coming back near my living room, then stepped onto my dining table and leaped through the air with a blood-curdling roar! "AHHHHHHHH...GOTCHA!!" Her eyes flew open in shock and surprise as I got both hands on the case (it was a good thing I'd chosen cans, not bottles!), tucked it in a football carry, and landed heavily on my feet! I spun around to face them, lifted the case high above my head, and grunted, "OOK! OOK! OOK! ME WIN!!" I then started a victory dance around the room, with hip thrusts and foot shuffles while holding the case high and chanting, "Me win, me win, oh YEAH, me win!" as they both watched me with flat expressions. After a few more hip gyrations (just to cement my victory of Human Over Pony!), I set the (still cold!) case down on the table, tore open the cardboard, extracted a beer, and popped it open. The beer foamed out from all our antics, but I didn't give a shit! I took a sweet, sweet sip and went, "Ahhhhh..." Both of them were looking up at the beer with their tongues hanging out and their 'puppy dog' eyes, so I took another glug, belched, then dug in the case, popped two open, and gave them one each. They were both shit-faced before we'd gotten through half of it. ...and I was a little buzzed myself. Which, in my defense, might explain why I did something really, really stupid. I had stowed the rest of the case in my fridge and was downing (for me) my third beer when my adrenaline wore off and my arms started feeling sore. Hefting that case over my head had taken some effort, not to mention my well-earned antics, so if I had that much trouble, that must indicate Rainbow truly did have some muscles under all that blue fur. This is the part where I fucked up. I found my pen and paper and wrote out a quick note to that effect. "Bolt" had a little trouble focusing, as she was also on her third (or fifth? I couldn't remember) beer, but once she made out my message, she smirked and showed it to her friend. Apple Jack read it, stared back at Dash a moment, finished her own beer, pushed up her hat, and then crushed the can flat against her forehead. She wiped her mouth with her forearm and glared up at me as if she were sighting a target. Then she gestured for my writing stuff, wrote out a quick note, and slowly, deliberately gave it back to me while watching me for my reaction: Earf pones arr STRONGERR. i SHOW! She waited until she was sure I understood her note, then hopped off the couch, walked over to the end of it, and without a hint of strain, picked up the end with both Rainbow and me still sitting on it! "Whoa!" I yelled, "What are you doing?!" as I leaned forward and grabbed the arm of the couch to keep from being thrown onto the floor! But she didn't give either of us a chance to get off the couch before she'd gotten herself underneath it and heaved it entirely up into the air! I gathered myself and jumped off the couch, then spun around to look at her. She was holding it with both hooves above her head and her back hooves planted firmly apart, with a fierce gaze of pure determination on her face. Once she saw me staring at her and felt my weight leave the furniture, she set it down with a >thud!< walked up to me on two legs and took my beer, then hopped back on the couch and faced me. After draining it in three big swallows, she belched, tossed the empty aside, and put a hoof to her throat. With visible effort, she grimaced, then grunted, "Ook, ook..." I grinned at her, though her friend was staring at her with her jaw practically hitting the floor. "Well played, little pony. Well played." For the rest of that evening, they tried to outdo each other by mimicking Human sounds. I made sure to teach them all the words they'd need to fit into Human society and present the best impression. "...asshole..." "..Aaa...shhh..shole...?" "Close! Try this one: biiiitch..." "...bbbb...EEEE...chhh..." "Naw, naw...it's an, 'iii', not an, 'eee'...try it again!" "Bbb...IIII...tch..." "VERY good! This calls for another round!" As I got up to get more beers, I looked back to see them pointing and laughing at each other while trying out their new words: "Y..ew...B...iii...t...ch!" "Y..OU...AA..sh...Hole!" By the time I'd returned with fresh ones, they'd made surprising progress: "B..b..iiitch!" "A...ass...hole!" As I set the beers down and opened them for them, they looked up at me, then each other, then pointed up at me and chorused: "Aaa...ss.HOLE!" I held back a tear as my chest swelled with pride! I could only imagine the faces of the first officials who would be treated to their new vocabulary and how they would react! People have gotten so used to these aliens and their cute faces, but I'd heard there are still a few holdouts; but once they hear they can talk just like us and swear with the best of us, even the most cynical should come around! I'm sure there will always be a few with permanent sticks up their butts, but there's no pleasing them anyway. As it turned out, I didn't need to wonder about the impression they'd make on "officials" for long. After a few hours, and the three of us were good and drunk, there was a knock on my door. I stumbled up to it and opened it, then was almost shocked sober. There, standing on my doorstep, was the Princess Twilight, but she wasn't alone. She'd brought two other ponies with her. One was a white unicorn with a purple, perfectly styled mane, long eyelashes, and an alluring perfume that immediately sent a tingle down my spine. From the look on her face, I could tell we were NOT going to get along. But the other unicorn...she was...different. Her coat was lime green, her mane was cyan and white...and she had what I could only describe as CRAZY EYES! I took a step back as she lunged forward, only to see her get wrapped in a purple glow that was coming from the Princess' horn! She was babbling something and waving her hooves at me, clearly trying to grab me while staring up at me with those crazy eyes, as I heard Twilight talking to her in their language. After a few moments, she calmed down, turned to Twilight, and nodded her head. Twilight said something else to her, and she nodded again; then, I watched as the glow disappeared. The Princess looked up at me with what was clearly an apologetic look, so I shrugged and stood aside. As SOON as my drunk friends saw the new arrivals, they both pointed at them and clearly shouted: "BITCH!!" ...then they fell over, laughing their asses off. Twilight stared at them, then looked up at me. I went to get my pen and paper, then wrote a short note: I can explain. "Let the Ass-Chewing Begin!"Twilight watched with a dry expression as Dash and Apple Jack clicked on my CD player, jumped up on my coffee table, and began a saucy musical number using all the dirty words and phrases I'd taught them (and there were more than two!), complete with high kicks in a chorus line, like the Rockettes from a Broadway show in the 40s. This is what I get for allowing them access to my TV while I was gone, getting them their beer, and then letting them get completely hammered once I got home. Twilight nudged me and indicated for me to follow her up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I heard something strange and looked back. Apparently, 'Crazy Eyes' thought they were having so much fun she'd decided to join them, so I now had three mares dancing on my table, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and arm over arms, with synchronized high kicks and filthy words being directed at the pony I now thought of as 'Stuck-Up Bitch' for the foreseeable future. Once we arrived at my bedroom, the Princess made sure the door was locked, did something to it with her horn, and then scowled up at me. I took my pen and paper and started writing, but it was encased in a purple glow and flung across the room! I looked down at her in surprise as she cleared her throat and...and...SPOKE. "Just WHAT in Celestia's Name has gotten into you?!" I stared at her with my mouth open and closing like a fish gasping for air. She scowled again. "Well?!" I pointed a shaking finger at her. "You...you can...talk..." She raised an eyebrow. "What you mean to say is, 'I can speak your language,' for I've been able to talk since I was a filly. Now then, answer the question: what were you thinking?!" I placed a hand on the back of my head and swayed a bit unsteadily. "Oh...uh...you must mean...letting them get...drunk?" Her glare increased."Nooo...I was fully aware of that habit LONG before today! I was referring to their...ahem...'colorful' language? WHY would you teach them words like those?!" I shrugged. "Because it was...funny?" Her eyes grew wide. "Funny? FUNNY?! And just how am I supposed to explain this to the Earth Embassy?! To the Equestrian Embassy?! To Princess Celestia?!" I staggered over to a chair and sat down in the middle of her tirade, which caused her face to turn a more interesting shade of purple. "Are you even LISTENING to me?!" she shouted. I waved a hand. "Yeah, sure, Your Highness, but I think you're getting worked up over nothing." Before she could start shouting again, I held up a finger and said, "Hold that thought..." then got up and started walking towards my bathroom. "Hey! Where are you going?! I'm not done talking to youuuuEEEEE!!!" she shrieked as she backpedaled out, and finally took the hint just as Carl Jr. was hitting the target. "Ahhhh..." I sighed, "That's the stuff..." I have no idea how I was able to hold as much beer as I did for over an hour, but it was making its O so satisfying way out now! "Warn me next time!" she shouted from the other end of the bedroom. "Sorry, can't hear you!" I shouted back. "Peeing!" "PIG!" she yelled. "Still can't hear you!" I laughed. "Busy...uh! getting...uh! last...drops...out!" "ARRRRGH!!" Chuckling to myself, I gave my junk the ol' 'shake-a shake-a,' zipped up, flushed, then headed out of the bathroom. She was staring up at me with a look that could bore holes in solid steel. "I...didn't hear any water...from your sink." Her eyes swiveled slowly down to my hands. "You don't...wash those things after?!" I held my hands up and looked at them, then I stared at her as a devious smile grew on my face. Her pupils shrank as she read my expression (I guess ponies have gotten better at this!) and she whispered, "...you wouldn't..." ..so I did what came naturally: I started chasing her around my room! "EEEEEE!!" she squealed. "Don't touch me!!" she giggled as she took flight and zipped just out of my reach! "Dick germs! DICK GERMS!! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!" I yelled as we crashed and tumbled all over my bedroom! Just as I was about to grab her, she shut her eyes, lit her horn, and >POOF!<, she was gone! I stopped and looked around. "Shit! I didn't know she could do that! Where'd she go?" "Right here!" I heard behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin! I cornered her, spread my arms, and leaped. "Gotcha!" ...was what I would have said had I not found myself suddenly suspended in midair by Twilight's crazy magic! "Hey!" I shouted as she smiled up at me with a SMUG expression, "No fair! This is CHEATING!" "On the contrary, my dear Human friend," she said as she trotted me to my bathroom, "...this is well within my range of capabilities, and as the saying goes, 'All is fair in love and war?" Keeping me suspended in the air, she levitated soap and turned on my sink. Full blast. Cocking an eyebrow, she said, "Now then: we can do this the easy way...or MY way. Your choice..." Because I'm an idiot, I asked, "Umm...what are my choices?" She only smiled. "You COULD have warned me first!" I groused as I dragged myself out of my shower, fully clothed, and began pulling my soaked sweater off. She had her back to me as she used her magic to toss me a towel. "You needed to sober up, and besides, you smelled like you needed a proper soaking," she giggled. Sparing me what was left of my tattered dignity and keeping her back to me, she added, "I've left you some of your Human clothes on the toilet, so hurry up and get dressed! You and I still have matters to discuss!" With that, she trotted out and shut my door. "...bitch..." I muttered under my breath. "I heard that!" "What in Celestia's Name could they be doing up there?" Rarity pondered aloud as she looked up the stairs. The impromptu dance number had ended, and all but Rarity were sprawled upon the couch, enjoying yet another round of suds. Applejack and Dash had long since figured out how to open their own beers, so OF COURSE they'd persuaded Lyra to try some. Rainbow took a swig and laughed, "Know...>hic!< knowin' that egghead, she's proff..ably...probobblay? LIKELY...bor...boring him to tears with a lectshure about shome science-y shtuff! >hic!< Or...or...shomething about Hoo...Hoo-mun/Pony relations! She looked pretty pisshed when me and AJ call...called her that Hoo-mun word!" Applejack chuckled, belched, and put in, "That washh pretty funny! Ah jus' hope she knows we wuz jus' playin' around; we didn't mean nuthin'!" But Rarity wasn't convinced. "Then...why did she cast a 'silence spell' on the door? What could she be discussing with him that she doesn't want the rest of us to hear?" She looked back at her friends and wrinkled her nose. "You. Are all drunk." Lyra raised a hoof. "N...not ME! I...I'm...>hic!< luvin' thish..Hu...Human...DRINK!" holding up her half-empty beer. "I...could...lash...for...hours..." she suddenly tipped her head back and began snoring. AJ and Dash exchanged grins. "Lightweight!" "I still think you're blowing this waaay out of proportion, Princess," I said as I sat on my bed and dug a corner of my towel into my ear. "We Humans respect someone who can curse a little when they're talking! It shows they're not some 'stuck up' prude." The Princess put a hoof over her face and muttered, "You don't understand: we ponies are doing our best to present the most favorable picture before you Humans!" She dropped her hoof and glared up at me. "I can just see it now! 'Hello, Mr. President! Who's this BITCH beside you?! Your wife?! What a CUNT, DICKFACE!" I stared at her for a second, then fell over onto my back, laughing until the tears streamed down my face. "It's not funny!" she shouted. She kept glowering at me until I finally regained control, then I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Twilight, first of all, you really don't know how we do things here! My reaction is probably the same reaction you would get from our President! It's what we call a 'roast!' That's what we call 'ball-busting,' or 'giving someone shit,' when they're a good friend!" At her blank expression, I added, "It's mostly a 'guy' thing." She furrowed her brow. "Wait...so you...intentionally insult each other...to show you...LIKE...the other pony? I mean...person?" I shrugged. "Sure! Me and my friends fuck with each other all the time! Especially when we've been drinking!" She looked away, clearly thinking about what I'd said. "That would explain a few things..." I smiled. "So, you see? It isn't so bad!" I stood. "Now, I have a question for you: Why'd we have to have this conversation up here? Did you not want your friends to think you're mad at them?" She shook her head. "No, that isn't it at all." She looked up at me. "I...didn't want them to know I can speak 'Human.'" I raised an eyebrow. "That's weird. Why should that be a secret?" My curiosity was further piqued when she blushed. She looked away and said, "Be...because the secret that my Mentor thought would be 'so much fun for me to find out on my own,' involved...a spell that required...Human...participation..." "You have GOT to be kidding me..."I came down the stairs to see my living room in shambles. I could see the bathroom door was ajar, and there were hoofprints going in and out of it; my fridge had been raided of all veggies and fruits, so there was a pile of banana peels, corn cobs, and empty grape stems in the trash; I had one lime-green pony with a horn passed out on my couch, my other two friends still laughing and tossing back suds, 'Stuck-Up Bitch' glaring at me as soon as I appeared, and my carpet damn near covered in empty beer cans. So, minus the ponies, it was a pretty normal day. Her Highness followed me out of my room, then stopped and frowned as she saw the state of my home. "Unacceptable!" she said as I watched her light that weird horn of hers. In a flash, all of the beer cans were picked up and deposited into a huge trashbag, and all of the food remnants gathered and piled into another; then she quickly pulled the beers from Dash and the blonde pony as she glared at them. They both blinked stupidly at their empty hooves for a moment, then turned and looked at the Princess at the same time. I was glad I couldn't understand their language, for whatever they were saying to her didn't seem to be...nice. She stood and waited patiently until they'd finished, then offered some...retort...of her own. Like I said, I couldn't understand them, but whatever it was she said must have gotten through to their drunken brains, for they both blushed as they looked around my living room, then at each other. The apple one removed her hat and said something that must have been an apology of sorts, followed by Dash, and then they got up and staggered to the door. "Wait!" I yelled as I came down the stairs. "It's cool," I said as I gestured around the room, "...my friends leave an even bigger mess whenever they come over...you all don't have to leave." I offered a smile as the two paused and looked back at me. "You don't have to go." Though they didn't understand my words, they returned my smile as I knelt down and held out my arms. "C'mon you two, bring it in!" They bounded over and nearly knocked me on my ass as they leaped into my arms. I laughed and hugged them tightly, then I took off the apple one's hat as her eyes grew wide and started in on her ears. I didn't leave "Bolt" out either, so I soon had two helpless ponies under my grubby mitts! Then, I heard what sounded like a sniffle, so I looked back over my shoulder. Only to see Her Highness and 'Stuck-Up Bitch' staring at us with unmistakable envy in their eyes. I was fine with giving Twilight ear scritches...but the haughty one could touch grass as far as I was concerned. She must have read my face, for she frowned, then tossed her head in the air with a "hmmph!" and turned her back on us. But not before I saw a single tear slide down her face, so it must have been her I heard choking back a sob. Aww, hell...I'm not a monster...and I can't stand to see a chick cry. Even if the chick is a pony. So I gave "Apple Pony" and "Bolt" one last vigorous scritch, then stood and approached the white one. She must have felt my presence, for she gasped and looked back at me. I smiled down at her as I waggled the fingers of one hand, looked pointedly at her ears, then back to her face, and raised an eyebrow. She gave me the most brilliant smile, nodded quickly, then turned to face me and bowed her head. From her enthusiastic response to my non-verbal question, I should have known what would happen next. As soon as I began scratching her ears, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she started...moaning... I felt my stomach roil as I bared my teeth in a grimace...but kept going, trying to get this over with as fast as I could! But when her moans grew louder, and she lolled out her tongue, that was it! I jerked my hand back and took a step away. She appeared to be in such rapture that she didn't notice I'd stopped, then she wiggled her ears and looked up at me with her bottom lip stuck out. The confusion and hurt look on her face made me almost sorry...almost! I quickly retrieved my pen and paper, scribbled an explanation, then showed it to her: No. MOANING! She stared blankly at the page, then turned to Twilight and spoke in their language. She came forward, read the note, BLUSHED LIKE A FURNACE, then answered the white one. The unicorn's blush matched Twilight's as she met my eyes again, then did something else weird! While "speaking" to me, she made a "cross" motion across her chest, then covered one eye with a hoof and gave me a pleading expression with her lip stuck out and the "puppy-dog" eyes! What the HELL was all that?! Seeing my reaction, Twilight took my writing stuff in her magic, wrote quickly, then gave the note back to me: She said she's sorry, and she promises not to moan anymore! I sighed and nodded, then stepped forward and resumed my "purpose." She closed her eyes and quietly went, "...eeeeee!" as she was getting her scritches...as Apple Jack and Rainbow fumed while watching her. They were both tapping their hooves as both of them shook with what looked like increasing annoyance, as they fixed the white one with murderous looks, then stared up at me! Even if she'd seen them, I doubt "Stuck-Up Bitch" would have cared, as she was turning her head back and forth, making sure I didn't miss a spot! Then, I noticed Twilight was staring at my hands as well, so I held out my other hand and said, "Would you like your ears scritched, Your Highness?" Her eyes grew wide as she shouted, "Sweet Celestia, YES!!"...then covered her mouth with her hooves. All other heads snapped in her direction (with the exception of 'Crazy Eyes'...she was still down for count: head thrown back, mouth wide open and snoring as she was sprawled all over my couch)...there was a beat of silence, then all of them began yelling at once! "Twilight! How could you?!" yelled Rarity as she rounded on her, her "ear-scritching" forgotten for the moment. "WHY didn't you tell us you could speak 'Human?!'" "Yeah, Twilight!" added Dash, "...that was something we could have used!" Before Applejack could chime in, she held up her hooves. "I'm...sorry, everypony! It's just that...the way I learned is quite...embarrassing!" Now, she really had their attention! "Indeed?" smirked Rarity as she raised an eyebrow, "...do tell!" "Yeah, spill it! It can't be that bad, whatever it is!" offered Dash. Twilight blushed harder, briefly looked up at the Human, then quickly averted her gaze. In a small voice, she said, "...it...it requires...involvement...with a...Human..." They all turned as one and looked at Carl with a smile (who was watching them all without offering a word), then turned back to Twilight. "What kind of "involvement" darling?" Twilight shut her eyes and said, "The spell requires...a...kiss..." Rarity leaned forward. "I'm sorry, dear; I didn't quite catch that." She opened her eyes and yelled, "A KISS, okay?! I had to kiss a Human!! Are you all happy?!" They all stared at her, then burst into laughter! "It's not funny!" cried Twilight, "...and it's all Celestia's fault! She wouldn't tell me the spell; she just had me look it up, and THEN, she stood by and watched when I..."completed" the spell!" She kept glaring at them for so long that she didn't notice Lyra had awoken and said, "Is that all?!" They all stopped laughing and looked at her, as she got to her shaky hooves and stood while staring up at Carl. "You mean...all I have to do is give this Human a smooch, and I can speak his language?!" She grinned, "What are we waiting for?!" "It's not that simple," retorted Twilight, "First, you have to find a Human who is willing to kiss you, and then I have to cast the spell, which isn't as easy as it sounds!" She gave Carl another look as she finished with, "...and that first one might be harder than you think..." Lyra quickly sobered and pranced in place with excitement! "Ask him, ask him! We'll never know unless we try!" Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath, but before she could speak, Carl interrupted. "What...is going on?" he asked as he held up a hand. He looked around at them and said, "I know something is going on that I probably won't like: they were all laughing at you a second ago, you've been blushing like a rose for the past few minutes, and then this one," he pointed at Lyra, "...hasn't stopped grinning at me since she woke up!" He frowned. "Are you gonna let me in on the joke, or do I have to guess?" Twilight sighed again, then said, "Come with me..." as she turned to my stairs. The others began to loudly protest as they saw her beginning to leave, but she quickly silenced them all with a glare. She looked up at me again. "Let's go..." she muttered, so I followed her up to my bedroom. "You...can't be serious..." I said after she'd finished telling me "the procedure." Twilight shuffled her hooves and looked away. "THIS is why I didn't want them to find out," she whispered, "I knew Lyra would jump at the chance for a..."personal" encounter with a Human, but I wasn't sure if my other friends would!" I stopped. "Lyra...that's the weird one who kept staring at me?" She nodded. "Lyra has been obsessed with your kind the entire time we've known her...you cannot imagine how happy she was when we figured out how to come here..." I looked away and frowned for a moment, then turned back to her. "It's...that big a deal for her?" She nodded again. "As I said, you cannot imagine." I placed a hand behind my head as I felt my own cheeks heating up. "This is SO weird...the idea of...of..."locking lips" with a...pony..." As I grimaced, she saw my face and started to say something I knew would make the situation worse, so I held up a hand and said, "Hey...don't get me wrong: I think you're all really cute...but you're not only aliens...you're...animals..." Twilight glared up at me and growled, "FIRST of all, we're not animals; we're sapient beings, and second, how bad could it be? All you'd have to do is give her a quick peck on her lips...you don't have to treat her like she's your marefriend!" "My...what?" As she started to explain, I held up a hand again. "Never mind, I just figured it out." Then I said, "But it's not just her," I countered. "Apple girl, Dash, and that other one want to "participate" (making the air quotes) as well, right?" "Yes, but it doesn't have to be you; I can get one of the Embassy Humans to help," and here she paused, then said, "...although I think Rainbow and Applejack would feel a lot better if it was a friend, rather than a stranger." She stuck out her lip. "My..."encounter" was quite awkward, as I didn't know the Human, and I knew he was just doing so because Celestia Herself asked him." She shuddered. "I'd rather not have my friends go through that if I can help it." I gave her a flat look. "Way to pour on the guilt, Your "Highness"... She looked alarmed. "No, that's not at all what I meant! I don't want you to do this out of guilt or any sense of obligation...it's just that now that the secret is out, I know it will make them happy!" I looked away again, thinking. Then I squared my shoulders, smiled at her, and said, "Alright...for my friends!" She giggled and danced in place. "You will?! Oh, thank you, Carl! I can't wait to tell them!" "Hang on..." I said, then went to my dresser and took out a small canister. She stared up at me. "What...is that?" I smiled, then opened my mouth and gave it a few spritzes. "Breath mint...if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right!" then I added, "But! Let's keep this between the six of us...I don't want random ponies showing up at my door looking to treat me like a Rosetta Stone!" "A...what?" Then she shook her head and said, "Never mind...I'm sure it's a Human thing," she said as she went to my door. Once she opened it, all four of them spilled into the room! "How long have you all been listening?" she asked while frowning down at the "pony pile." They quickly untangled themselves, and then all of them had the grace to look embarrassed. "Just for a few minutes, darling!" She turned eager eyes up at the Human. "What did he say?!" Twilight looked over her shoulder, then back to her friends...and smiled. "I'M FIRST!!" screamed Lyra. "I'm too young and beautiful! TAKE HIM INSTEAD!!"All was quiet in the bedroom as Twilight and the others waited outside in the hallway per Lyra's request. It had taken some major convincing for Carl, as the entire situation was "very creepy," his words, but in the end, he'd sighed and given in. That was more than half an hour ago. Twilight had cast the spell and left, joining her friends as they waited out in the hallway. But the quiet was now deafening, so Twilight finally called out, "Lyra? Carl? Is...everything okay in there?" When she still received no answer, she frowned, looked around once more at her friends, then pushed the door open. Only to see a comatose Human lying back against a chair, with his eyes rolled up and his tongue hanging out. And a startled Unicorn draped across his chest looking back at them, trying (and failing!) not to look guilty. "Lyra..." began Twilight in a low voice, "What. Happened?" Lyra glanced from her to Carl and back, then scrambled off his lap. "Happened? Nothing! Nothing at all! What do you mean?!" as she began to visibly sweat. Twilight flew up to him and placed a hoof against his neck, then breathed a sigh of relief upon finding a pulse. Then, she returned her glare to the shaking one. "WHY is he like this? What. Did. You. DO?" Then, she did a double-take and added, "And why are you wearing that hat?!" Lyra quickly snatched the top hat off her head and hid it behind herself, then said, "He was like that when I came in here!" Twilight stomped a hoof. "Lyra! Tell me exactly what happened!" Lyra looked down and sighed. "Okay, okay..." She met her eyes and said, "I waited until you cast the spell..." "Alright..." "Then I closed the door and asked the Human to sit down..." "Go on..." A weird smile broke across her face as she finished with, "And then! I jumped on him, wrapped my mouth around his, and held it there for thirty-seven minutes!" All the other ponies gasped, and Twilight's eyes grew wide as she yelled, "Lyyyyyyraaaaa! You could have KILLED him!" A look of genuine shock came across her face as she said, "What?! NO! Killing Humans is my LEAST favorite thing to do!" "Lyra..." Twilight tried, "...you could have seriously hurt him..." She sat down, bowed her head, and sighed. "Yeahhh...you're right. I'm in the wrong here...I suck." "What is wrong with his hands?" They all looked up at Rarity, who had moved closer to Carl and was staring intently at him. She looked over her shoulder and asked, "Why are his hands so wet?" They were not only wet, they were soaked up to his elbows. Carl's body spasmed, gave a slight groan, then fell back unconscious once again as drool slipped down his chin from his open mouth and protruding tongue. Lyra giggled."Oh, that! I was licking his hands!" Everypony else in the room cried, "WHY?!" Lyra giggled again. "Well...duh! Because I love everything about Human hands, you all know that, and I wanted to see how they tasted! Gimme a break!" They all stared flatly at her. A crazed glint appeared in her eyes as she added, "...that, and my stomach was making the rumblies..." Twilight facehoofed. "...that only hands could satisfy!" Just then, Carl stirred again and started flailing his limbs and flinging his head from side to side as he muttered, "...no...no! Hay breath...pony lips...make it stop...make it STOP!..." then sat up with a girly scream. "Wha...what happened?" He looked around, then raised his hands, grimaced, and held them away from himself. "EWWW! What. The Actual. FUCK?! WHY are my hands so fucking wet?!" Then he spotted Lyra and nearly fell over backwards as he scrambled to his feet. "Keep that crazy bitch away from me! I mean it!" Everymare turned to Lyra, who offered them her toothiest grin. "Nice goin', Lil Miss "Ah'm First!" Applejack looked back over her shoulder at the Human, who was waving his arms and making a mad rush for his bathroom while still muttering insanely, "Pony lips...pony lips!" Then she glared back at Lyra. "Now yew dun messed it up fer all of us!" It was a couple of days before Carl was able to come out of his house. Once, he turned on the television and just happened to catch the opening scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. When King Arthur and his servant Pasty came 'clip-clopping' up to the first castle, the sound of hooves made Carl scream, toss the remote at his TV, and flee upstairs to his bedroom, where he stayed huddled in the fetal position for the rest of the night. Eventually, one of his friends forced his front door open and called out for him. "Hey, Carl? You alive, buddy?" His friend looked around and wrinkled his nose. "Whoa...this place looks like shit...so he must be here." Cautiously, he climbed the stairs, still calling, "Carl? It's Víctor...you up here?" Coming to his bedroom door, Víctor braced himself, then sloooowly opened the door. And breathed a sigh of relief once he saw Carl huddled in a blanket while crammed into a corner. "¡Órale!, vato, we thought you were dead!" He stepped up to him and sat down. "What the hell are you doing?" Carl's giant, bloodshot eyes swiveled to his friend's face, and he asked in a shaky voice, "Po...ponies? Did...did you see...any ponies?" Suddenly, he lunged forward and grabbed his friend by the collar! "Don't lie to me!! Have you seen them?!" Víctor held Carl's wrists and shouted back, "No! ¡Cabrón loco! None of those aliens have been seen around here! What are you talking about?!" But Carl tightened his grip and narrowed his eyes. "I...don't believe you!" He drew him closer...then sniffed him. "Ugggh...I smell...pony! You...you're working for them, aren't you? Don't lie to me!" Víctor struggled to free himself as he yelled, "¡Estás realmente loco! I don't know what you're talking about!" Suddenly, from downstairs, they both heard a female voice cry out, "Carl? It's me, Twilight! Can...can we talk, please?" Carl's eyes grew wide, then he smirked. "Aha! If I'm so "crazy," then how do you explain that?!" Before Víctor could ask what he meant, the bedroom door opened, and Twilight stood there looking worried. "Carl, I just wanted to say how sorry—" but Carl had pulled his friend to his feet and held him like a shield in front of him. "Stay back! Don't hurt me! Hurt him instead!" And he pushed Víctor towards her as he leaped out the window. Twilight caught him in her magic as the sound of a body hitting the soft ground outside reached their ears, followed by the flap of bare feet scurrying away down the sidewalk. Twilight looked at Víctor. "Hello." He stared for a moment, then replied, "Hola. Entonces, ¿eres un pony?" Twilight nodded. "Sí, soy la Princesa Twilight Sparkle. Pero, puedes llamarme Twilight." "Okay, Twilight." Then he smiled. "You're kind of cute." Twilight blushed. "Gracias, kind sir."
"Looks like it's 'Beer O'Clock'..."The very next day I heard scratching at my door...that sounded familiar. I smiled, and flung my door open, hoping to see my friends. I was only partially disappointed. There stood Rainbow, or "Bolt," but Fluttershy was nowhere in sight. Instead, she'd brought an orange pony with a blonde mane...who was wearing a cowboy hat. I took a step back, because I noticed the red ribbons tied in the blonde pony's tail, and I knew from visiting my grandfather's horse farm red ribbons means a horse is likely to bite and kick. Even so, I smiled and waved a hand at my friend. "Hi, Rainbow!" I gestured. "Who is this?" Rainbow threw a hoof over her friend's shoulder and gave her a hug, while the friend took off her (obviously a mare) hat and nodded up to me. I grinned again and stepped aside, as they both came in and looked around. It was then I noticed Rainbow was wearing what looked like saddlebags, for the next thing she did was to open one with a wing, take out a pencil and a pad of paper, and then write me a note while holding the pencil in her mouth. That had to be an awkward way of writing, compared to the way I'd seen Twilight use her freaky magic, but it didn't look like Rainbow had any trouble. I guess they were used to doing things that way. When she finished, she tore the sheet off and gave it to me with a wing. Sury it tuk sow log tu se yu Karl, butte i verri busi! Tis mai frend Aplejck, an shi wat tu meat yu! Plus, shi wat BEER! Yu haf? I laughed and nodded, then went to get pen and paper of my own. At least now we had some way to talk to one another directly, even if "Bolt's" spelling sucked. I pointed to my couch and invited them to sit as I made my way over to the kitchen and started rummaging around the drawers, looking for a pen. I heard my TV click on and looked up to see Rainbow holding my remote in both hooves and using her nose to press the buttons. I shook my head and kept searching. I know I have a pen in here somewhere! Then, just as I finally found a pen, they must have tuned into some sort of 'Micheal Bay' film, for the room was suddenly filled with the sounds of gunfire, explosions, and cool dialogue. I looked at the two, and they had both frozen, with eyes wide, staring at the screen in wonder. The remote fell listlessly out of Rainbow's hooves and onto the floor as she and her 'cowgirl' friend became practically catatonic, not even blinking as the explosions continued, more shots rang out, and I could hear the good guys exchanging wisecracks with the bad guys. Nothing I hadn't seen a million times, but judging from their reaction, this was obviously their first time. I chuckled to myself and turned back to my cabinets, got out the popcorn, fired up my popcorn maker, and then checked my fridge for some beers. I had one six-pack left (Thank God!), so I grabbed three and took two over to my guests. I popped them open and set them on the coffee table in front of them, but they never took their eyes off the TV. A particularly loud explosion went off, and they both flinched and gasped but leaned forward together and kept watching. I took a moment to gaze at the screen and recognized the movie. Unfortunately for my guests, they'd tuned in during the last ten minutes of the film, so it would be ending soon. By the time I'd put the fresh popcorn in a bowl and slathered it with melted butter, the credits were rolling, which had broken them both out of their stupor. They blinked, looked at each other for a second, and then began scrambling for the remote. The blonde pony got her hooves on it first, but Rainbow tried to grab it, which resulted in the two of them tussling and rolling all over my couch! And while I still couldn't understand their language, the things they were yelling at each other as they fought did NOT sound like, "Terribly sorry, old chap, but I DO believe I had this device first!" "Hey!" I yelled, with a beer in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other, "Cut the shit! You're gonna break my furniture!" My tone must have gotten through to them, for they froze: the blonde pony..."Apple..Jack?" had one of Rainbow's wings in her teeth and a hoof in her face, while Rainbow had managed to get the remote back and was holding it out with one hoof while using the other to push her friend away, as they both were looking up at me. I quickly set my beer down and snagged the remote. I shook it at them as they let each other go and sat up. "My house, MY remote!" Sometimes, words aren't needed. They looked at each other, blushed, then looked up at me and nodded. Apple Jack looked around for her hat, while Rainbow suddenly noticed the beers. As her friend put her hat back on, Rainbow nudged her and pointed at the drinks excitedly! She gave her one while talking animatedly as the blonde listened with what seemed to be a skeptical expression. I set the popcorn on the table and seated myself next to Rainbow as she finally convinced her friend to take a sip. ...aaaaaand now I have TWO drunks on my hands... The blonde didn't just LIKE her beer, she fucking LOVED it! She took ONE sip of her beer, paused for a second, finished it off, grabbed Rainbow's, guzzled that one, and then looked up at the one in my hand...and smiled. I shook my head. "No way, bitch..." I took my time slooooowly drinking from my can, smacked my lips, and went, "MMMMM..." very loudly. She gazed up at me with a flat expression, then grabbed Rainbow's pencil and paper. After writing on it, she rolled the paper into a ball and bounced it off my nose. I picked it up, unrolled and read it: jackass I grinned at her, then held up one finger in a "wait right there" motion. Taking MY beer with me, I went to my fridge to get the last three. Her eyes grew wide as she saw me approaching with her new "Precious," but before I gave the beers to the two of them, I wrote my own note and gave it to her: This is it. There are no more. They both stared at the note, puzzling over it, then looked up at me. I sighed, then pointed to the beers, pointed back to my kitchen, and shook my head. I then set the beers down and opened them. Apple Jack and Rainbow looked at each other, then Rainbow began writing: By mor? I read the note and then shook my head. I took out my wallet, opened it to show them it was empty, and then pulled out my pockets to show the same. "Sorry, ladies: one week until my payday... no more cash until then." They looked at me, then at each other...and then smiled. Rainbow wrote again: noe problm I frowned. "What do you mean, 'no problem?' I just said I'm bro...holy shit..." I looked up from the note at the ponies, only to see Rainbow had pulled out a FUCKTON of hundred-dollar bills from her saddlebag.
"Here we go again..."After I was honored by a visit from the Pony Princess, I became pretty famous for a while. Apparently, Her Nibs did not make a habit of visiting Earth residences without prior weeks of planning, so Her visit to my humble abode had caused quite the stir. As I'd mentioned before, when the aliens first arrived, I hadn't paid too much attention to them, for my town wasn't big enough (apparently) for them to visit, so no one around here had seen any of them. That all changed after my little encounter. To this day, I have no idea how "Bolt" ended up on my front porch, but for whatever reason, that had started a chain of events that eventually led to Her Highness visiting me, which in turn made me into a minor celebrity. I hated it. For one, I'm a staunch introvert. I have a few friends, but overall, I like my privacy. For two, I have no patience for being stopped on the street and being bombarded with stupid fucking questions from people I don't know and could give two shits about asking me personal stuff about my life that made no fucking sense! "Sir! Are you working for the ponies now?" "Will they be staying with you?!" "How do your parents feel about you dating an alien?!" "Are you going to be moving to Equestria?!" Fortunately for me, Celestia kept the true purpose of Her visit between us and my friends, and because of that, the news hounds lost interest, and my life eventually returned to normal. I still kept a weather eye out for my friends, hoping they'd drop by someday, but after many weeks passed with no sign of their returning, I figured "Bolt" and "Butterfly," as I still sometimes thought of them, had more important tasks to do. That was until this morning when I felt an unease growing while I was still asleep. I tossed my head from side to side and woke up, only to see two purple eyes staring back at me. Right in my face. "GAHHH!" I screamed as I sat straight up. "Who the HELL are you, and what are you doing in my house?!" But the pony had merely taken flight and hovered a few feet away at my outburst and just watched me as if I was some sort of rare specimen. That pissed me off! I climbed off my bed and got to my feet. "I said, who the HELL are you?!" pointing a finger in the pony's face. Instead of answering, the pony lit its horn(!), levitated a pad of paper and a quill, and started writing! I just stared. The only other pony I'd seen so far with a horn and wings had been Her Highness, so unless Her kind were a dime a dozen on their world, then this one was just like Her. And that meant this one had to be Royalty as well. And I had just cursed at it. I was just clearing my throat to apologize for my outburst when I got my second shock that morning: my bedroom door opened, and a little purple and green dragon walked in, carrying a breakfast tray! I lost it. "What in the ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON?!" The dragon gave me a pensive look, then glanced up at the pony. The pony nodded, and then the dragon approached me, stopped, and offered me the tray. I looked down at it. The tray was brimming with a steaming plate of scrambled eggs covered in cheese, waffles with syrup, blueberry muffins, buttered toast, a huge glass of orange juice, and a vase with a flower in it! I hesitated, then took the tray. "Umm...thanks?" The dragon gave me a 'thumbs-up,' smiled at the pony, then left, closing my door behind it. I looked down at the tray, then carried it over to my dresser and set it down, then faced the pony, who had landed and was now levitating a piece of paper over to me. Curious, I caught it from midair and began reading: Good Morning, Carl. I am Her Highness The Princess Twilight Sparkle, but you may call me Twilight. I apologize for entering your home without your prior permission, but I was so fascinated by stories about you from Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy that I could not wait to meet you! Sadly, I do not possess Fluttershy's talent for speaking to non-Pony races, so this means of communication will have to suffice until I can come up with a way to bridge our language barrier. Besides being a Princess, I am also an accomplished scientist, so I am therefore confident I can eventually find a means for the two of us to communicate directly. I also know that my mentor, Princess Celestia, had no difficulty speaking your language during Her brief visit, but to my frustration, She has withheld Her secret, stating, "It would be more fun for me to find out on my own!" In the meantime, please enjoy the breakfast my Number One Assistant Spike has prepared for you. With your permission, we will meet again soon!" I put down the note and stared at her. "Huh. Another Princess." I nodded towards the door. "With a dragon named 'Spike' for an assistant, no less." I picked up the fork and took a bite of the eggs, then smiled. "...who is an excellent cook!" The...Princess...had been watching me with a blank expression, but when she saw my smile, she smiled back. Then, her face went red, and she hastily scribbled out another note and gave it to me. The entire atmosphere in the room suddenly got weird, so I dreaded to read what she'd written. When I did read it, I almost laughed out loud: I...heard that you're good at...ear scritches? Chuckling, I walked over to her and said, "I guess I owe you one for the breakfast. But no moaning!" As I scritched the ears of my second-ever Princess, I realized I had just made another friend for life from her reaction.
Twilight Sparkle: Ear Scritch Pimp"Umm...Twilight? She's...here again. She's insisting on speaking to you." Twilight sat back at her desk and sighed. "Spike, how many times does this make?" Spike twiddled with his claws. "I'm sure you know, Twilight." She nodded and started massaging her temples. After a few moments, she sighed again, took a deep breath, and looked up. "Alright, send her in." Twilight put on a determined face as Spike turned, opened the door, and waved to the pony waiting outside in the hall. Immediately, there sounded an "eeeeeee!" and hoofsteps running for the door! Spike went, "waitwaitwait!" but was bowled over by a pale green unicorn mare with crazy eyes running into Twilight's study! Screeching to a stop in front of her desk, Lyra practically shouted, "Thank you THANK YOU for seeing me, Princess Twilight!" She spun her head around, reached into a saddlebag, pulled out a bouquet of roses, and slammed them on the desk! "These are for you! To show my appreciation! Not like they're a bribe, or anything! JUST to show how much I LOVE you, and—" her mouth was suddenly wrapped in bright, purple arcane bands. Patiently, Twilight began. "Lyra, we have been over and over this: I cannot move you forward on the queue, as there is an agreement between the Humans and Equestria on the number of ponies that can visit their world at a given time. In order for you to go sooner, somepony that is enjoying their vacation now would have to volunteer to cut it short so that you could enter their world early, and I do not have to explain to you how unfair that would be. I'm afraid you will simply have to wait, as I have explained to you many, many times. Am I clear?" Lyra's shoulders visibly slumped before Twilight slowly released her from her restraints, and then she bowed her head as a tear slowly slid down her cheek. "...it's not fair..." she whispered. Twilight cocked her head. "I'm sorry, I did not quite catch that." Lyra looked up at her, her watery eyes filled with hurt. "I said, it's not fair. Nopony loves Humans more than me! I've been laughed at for years and called names behind my back because of my...my...love for Humans! I've spent so much time trying to convince everypony that they were real, and once they were discovered, and I was proven RIGHT, I should have been one of the first to be allowed to visit them once the portal was developed!" She sniffed as another tear fell down her face. "Why was I slighted, Your Highness? Can you at least tell me that?" Twilight came around the desk and led her over to her lounge area, a place designed by Rarity for this very purpose. "Please sit down, for this might take some time." I looked down at the monster wad of bills Rainbow was holding out and whispered, "...fuck me..." She was still smiling as she stuffed it into my hands, then pointed to the beers, and then out the door. I dropped the cash as if it burned me. "No fucking way! I have NO clue how ponies are walking around with enough cash to buy and sell my ass, along with everything I own!" I stared at the money now littering my carpet. "There has to be at least $10,000 here! How in the fuck did you get all this?!" They both were staring up at me blankly, so I looked around for my pen and paper and wrote down my "pleasant" thoughts: How. IN THE FUCK. Did you get all this money?! Rainbow frowned as she tried to read the note, then gave it to Apple Jack. Apple Jack read it, thought for a moment, then took her friend's pencil and pad and wrote her own note: Pone Apples. Huemons buy Apple Fambly Apples. I stared at the note, then looked at them, then back down at the pile again. "Seriously? You got all this money from selling apples? How many did you sell?" Then I shook my head again at my stupidity and wrote it down. Apple Jack wrote her reply, but before she could give it to me, Rainbow added a note at the bottom: Not many Apple. Huemon LUV pone Apples, pay HUGE monies. nowe by mor BEER? I shrugged. "Okay." I bent down and picked up one of the Benjamins, then wrote: I'm only getting ONE case of beer because I don't want you two to get too drunk! They read the note and beamed at me. Rainbow got behind me and began pushing me towards the door. "Alright, alright, don't rush me. I'm going, jeez!" It wasn't until I was driving a block away before I asked myself why they didn't simply buy the beer themselves. "Tea?" She shook her head. "No, thank you, Your Highness...I'd really like to know why I've been wronged in such a way. What did I do?" Twilight looked toward the window and sighed, gathering her thoughts. Finally, she answered, "Lyra, it wasn't anything you did...it was what we were all afraid you might do." She held up a hoof to stop the indignant response she saw about to burst out of Lyra's lips and continued. "Despite all your assurances of how wonderful Humans are, and I want you to know that we did take your advice into consideration, we were still dealing with a new, unknown species. We really had no idea how they would react upon meeting us, which was why the first envoys were hoof-picked by myself and Princess Celestia; we needed ponies that would present the best Equestria had to offer as well as be able to defend themselves in case the Humans turned out to be hostile." "And this turned out to be a prudent course of action, for our first contacts were indeed met with fear and suspicion on the part of the Humans." Lyra had been listening intently, but at this last, her eyes grew wide, and she raised a hoof. "F...fear? Suspicion? But...but...why? How were we a threat?" The look of disappointment and...betrayal...on her face nearly broke Twilight's heart. She reached over and gently took her hoof. "We're still trying to understand. But as well as I can guess, the Humans live on a world where they are the only sapient species and have never had contact with any others. Until our arrival, they believed they were the only planet with intelligent life residing upon it, and it was such a culture shock for them to find out otherwise that there are still some who are trying to come to terms with the knowledge." Twilight sighed and finished with, "And, just like we ponies, Humans fear what they don't understand." Lyra looked away and grew silent, trying to process what she'd just learned. Then, her eyes widened with dawning realization, and she looked her Princess in the eyes. "So...that's why I wasn't allowed to visit at first: you all were sparing me from seeing my dreams...shattered...and were afraid of what I might do?" Twilight sadly nodded. "We had to wait until Pony relations were stable between ourselves and the Humans before we allowed a pony as excited about them as you are going over...even now, there are still some restrictions in place that we're trying to work out." Lyra raised an eyebrow. "Such as?" "Ponies aren't allowed to purchase items such as alcohol, weapons, or illegal drugs, although that last item is moot for the Pony biological system is immune to most Earth pharmaceuticals. I personally agree with these particular proscriptions, but I know of a few ponies that wouldn't mind getting their hooves on some Earth alcohol." Her eyes turned inward at some errant memory, but she smiled and said nothing. "And, of course, there's the limit on how many ponies are allowed on Earth among the Humans at any given time, which our two Embassies keep strict track." Twilight sighed again and added, "And then...there were a few problems that we caused that were blown out of proportion by the Humans...which involved...ear and belly scritches." Lyra's eyes widened. "I heard about those! What exactly happened?" Twilight grimaced. "Some ponies...liked them too much, and I'm sorry to say they made themselves a nuisance." She added defensively, "It was nothing close to the numbers the Human press were reporting, but there were quite a few ponies who simply would not stop pestering every Human they met for their..."service." These ponies were found and swiftly dealt with...in the form of being quickly sent back to Equestria and banned from returning to Earth. But the damage had already been done. Now, the majority of Humans have been warned by their news agencies not to give ponies ear or belly scritches for fear of the same happening." Lyra laid her own ears back. "That's a shame. I heard they're really nice." Twilight's eyes grew dreamy. "Oh, they are..." Lyra did a double take. "Wait! You've had your..." she stopped and grimly smiled. "Of course, you have. You're a Princess." Lyra drew her hooves back and stood. "Thank you for your time, Princess Twilight. It was very...enlightening." As she turned to go, Twilight said, "Wait a moment." Lyra looked back over her shoulder. "Yes?" The Princess grinned and gestured for her to come closer. Puzzled, the unicorn carefully walked back up to her, then her confusion grew as Twilight checked to make sure the door was shut with her magic, then whispered in her ear, "...would you like to have...your ears...scritched?" Lyra's eyes widened, and she quickly nodded as she pranced in place and barely held back a squee! Twilight smiled, checked the door once again, then whispered once more: "...I know a guy..."
"Beer and Learnin!'"NEVER AGAIN Never again will I try to teach two ponies who were obviously in some competition with each other long before they met me while shit-faced... I am in SO much trouble... It started out friendly enough. As soon as I came through the door with the case, I saw they were both arm wrestling (hoof wrestling?) with a pile of the cash set between them. The blonde had a slightly higher pile, and they were glaring at each other as they strained to drive the others' hoof down onto the table, with teeth clenched and sweat pouring off their foreheads. "Wow," I said, "...you two need to get out more..." As soon as I spoke, they broke their hoof-lock with each other; their eyes went as big as saucers (well, slightly bigger) when they spotted the beer and practically bowled me over! "Hang on, hang on, FUCK! Give me a chance to set this thing down!" I said as I held it up out of their reach, as the two of them jumped up around me like toddlers with their hooves frantically reaching up in 'gimme that!' gestures. And that's when my 'winged' friend must have remembered she had...well...wings, because her eyes grew bright, she grinned like a she-devil, then took off and yoinked the case right out of my hands! "Hey, you crazy bitch! Come back here!!" I yelled as I gave chase! The little blue cunt was waaaay stronger than she looked, for that case was almost her body length and at least twenty pounds, yet she had no problem keeping out of my reach as she buzzed around my downstairs while laughing her ass off at me the entire time! While the blonde was on her back, with tears rolling down her cheeks as she held her stomach and rocked back and forth, howling with laughter. That did it! I grit my teeth. "This. Ends. NOW." I waited until "Flying Girl" was coming back near my living room, then stepped onto my dining table and leaped through the air with a blood-curdling roar! "AHHHHHHHH...GOTCHA!!" Her eyes flew open in shock and surprise as I got both hands on the case (it was a good thing I'd chosen cans, not bottles!), tucked it in a football carry, and landed heavily on my feet! I spun around to face them, lifted the case high above my head, and grunted, "OOK! OOK! OOK! ME WIN!!" I then started a victory dance around the room, with hip thrusts and foot shuffles while holding the case high and chanting, "Me win, me win, oh YEAH, me win!" as they both watched me with flat expressions. After a few more hip gyrations (just to cement my victory of Human Over Pony!), I set the (still cold!) case down on the table, tore open the cardboard, extracted a beer, and popped it open. The beer foamed out from all our antics, but I didn't give a shit! I took a sweet, sweet sip and went, "Ahhhhh..." Both of them were looking up at the beer with their tongues hanging out and their 'puppy dog' eyes, so I took another glug, belched, then dug in the case, popped two open, and gave them one each. They were both shit-faced before we'd gotten through half of it. ...and I was a little buzzed myself. Which, in my defense, might explain why I did something really, really stupid. I had stowed the rest of the case in my fridge and was downing (for me) my third beer when my adrenaline wore off and my arms started feeling sore. Hefting that case over my head had taken some effort, not to mention my well-earned antics, so if I had that much trouble, that must indicate Rainbow truly did have some muscles under all that blue fur. This is the part where I fucked up. I found my pen and paper and wrote out a quick note to that effect. "Bolt" had a little trouble focusing, as she was also on her third (or fifth? I couldn't remember) beer, but once she made out my message, she smirked and showed it to her friend. Apple Jack read it, stared back at Dash a moment, finished her own beer, pushed up her hat, and then crushed the can flat against her forehead. She wiped her mouth with her forearm and glared up at me as if she were sighting a target. Then she gestured for my writing stuff, wrote out a quick note, and slowly, deliberately gave it back to me while watching me for my reaction: Earf pones arr STRONGERR. i SHOW! She waited until she was sure I understood her note, then hopped off the couch, walked over to the end of it, and without a hint of strain, picked up the end with both Rainbow and me still sitting on it! "Whoa!" I yelled, "What are you doing?!" as I leaned forward and grabbed the arm of the couch to keep from being thrown onto the floor! But she didn't give either of us a chance to get off the couch before she'd gotten herself underneath it and heaved it entirely up into the air! I gathered myself and jumped off the couch, then spun around to look at her. She was holding it with both hooves above her head and her back hooves planted firmly apart, with a fierce gaze of pure determination on her face. Once she saw me staring at her and felt my weight leave the furniture, she set it down with a >thud!< walked up to me on two legs and took my beer, then hopped back on the couch and faced me. After draining it in three big swallows, she belched, tossed the empty aside, and put a hoof to her throat. With visible effort, she grimaced, then grunted, "Ook, ook..." I grinned at her, though her friend was staring at her with her jaw practically hitting the floor. "Well played, little pony. Well played." For the rest of that evening, they tried to outdo each other by mimicking Human sounds. I made sure to teach them all the words they'd need to fit into Human society and present the best impression. "...asshole..." "..Aaa...shhh..shole...?" "Close! Try this one: biiiitch..." "...bbbb...EEEE...chhh..." "Naw, naw...it's an, 'iii', not an, 'eee'...try it again!" "Bbb...IIII...tch..." "VERY good! This calls for another round!" As I got up to get more beers, I looked back to see them pointing and laughing at each other while trying out their new words: "Y..ew...B...iii...t...ch!" "Y..OU...AA..sh...Hole!" By the time I'd returned with fresh ones, they'd made surprising progress: "B..b..iiitch!" "A...ass...hole!" As I set the beers down and opened them for them, they looked up at me, then each other, then pointed up at me and chorused: "Aaa...ss.HOLE!" I held back a tear as my chest swelled with pride! I could only imagine the faces of the first officials who would be treated to their new vocabulary and how they would react! People have gotten so used to these aliens and their cute faces, but I'd heard there are still a few holdouts; but once they hear they can talk just like us and swear with the best of us, even the most cynical should come around! I'm sure there will always be a few with permanent sticks up their butts, but there's no pleasing them anyway. As it turned out, I didn't need to wonder about the impression they'd make on "officials" for long. After a few hours, and the three of us were good and drunk, there was a knock on my door. I stumbled up to it and opened it, then was almost shocked sober. There, standing on my doorstep, was the Princess Twilight, but she wasn't alone. She'd brought two other ponies with her. One was a white unicorn with a purple, perfectly styled mane, long eyelashes, and an alluring perfume that immediately sent a tingle down my spine. From the look on her face, I could tell we were NOT going to get along. But the other unicorn...she was...different. Her coat was lime green, her mane was cyan and white...and she had what I could only describe as CRAZY EYES! I took a step back as she lunged forward, only to see her get wrapped in a purple glow that was coming from the Princess' horn! She was babbling something and waving her hooves at me, clearly trying to grab me while staring up at me with those crazy eyes, as I heard Twilight talking to her in their language. After a few moments, she calmed down, turned to Twilight, and nodded her head. Twilight said something else to her, and she nodded again; then, I watched as the glow disappeared. The Princess looked up at me with what was clearly an apologetic look, so I shrugged and stood aside. As SOON as my drunk friends saw the new arrivals, they both pointed at them and clearly shouted: "BITCH!!" ...then they fell over, laughing their asses off. Twilight stared at them, then looked up at me. I went to get my pen and paper, then wrote a short note: I can explain.
"Let the Ass-Chewing Begin!"Twilight watched with a dry expression as Dash and Apple Jack clicked on my CD player, jumped up on my coffee table, and began a saucy musical number using all the dirty words and phrases I'd taught them (and there were more than two!), complete with high kicks in a chorus line, like the Rockettes from a Broadway show in the 40s. This is what I get for allowing them access to my TV while I was gone, getting them their beer, and then letting them get completely hammered once I got home. Twilight nudged me and indicated for me to follow her up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I heard something strange and looked back. Apparently, 'Crazy Eyes' thought they were having so much fun she'd decided to join them, so I now had three mares dancing on my table, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and arm over arms, with synchronized high kicks and filthy words being directed at the pony I now thought of as 'Stuck-Up Bitch' for the foreseeable future. Once we arrived at my bedroom, the Princess made sure the door was locked, did something to it with her horn, and then scowled up at me. I took my pen and paper and started writing, but it was encased in a purple glow and flung across the room! I looked down at her in surprise as she cleared her throat and...and...SPOKE. "Just WHAT in Celestia's Name has gotten into you?!" I stared at her with my mouth open and closing like a fish gasping for air. She scowled again. "Well?!" I pointed a shaking finger at her. "You...you can...talk..." She raised an eyebrow. "What you mean to say is, 'I can speak your language,' for I've been able to talk since I was a filly. Now then, answer the question: what were you thinking?!" I placed a hand on the back of my head and swayed a bit unsteadily. "Oh...uh...you must mean...letting them get...drunk?" Her glare increased."Nooo...I was fully aware of that habit LONG before today! I was referring to their...ahem...'colorful' language? WHY would you teach them words like those?!" I shrugged. "Because it was...funny?" Her eyes grew wide. "Funny? FUNNY?! And just how am I supposed to explain this to the Earth Embassy?! To the Equestrian Embassy?! To Princess Celestia?!" I staggered over to a chair and sat down in the middle of her tirade, which caused her face to turn a more interesting shade of purple. "Are you even LISTENING to me?!" she shouted. I waved a hand. "Yeah, sure, Your Highness, but I think you're getting worked up over nothing." Before she could start shouting again, I held up a finger and said, "Hold that thought..." then got up and started walking towards my bathroom. "Hey! Where are you going?! I'm not done talking to youuuuEEEEE!!!" she shrieked as she backpedaled out, and finally took the hint just as Carl Jr. was hitting the target. "Ahhhh..." I sighed, "That's the stuff..." I have no idea how I was able to hold as much beer as I did for over an hour, but it was making its O so satisfying way out now! "Warn me next time!" she shouted from the other end of the bedroom. "Sorry, can't hear you!" I shouted back. "Peeing!" "PIG!" she yelled. "Still can't hear you!" I laughed. "Busy...uh! getting...uh! last...drops...out!" "ARRRRGH!!" Chuckling to myself, I gave my junk the ol' 'shake-a shake-a,' zipped up, flushed, then headed out of the bathroom. She was staring up at me with a look that could bore holes in solid steel. "I...didn't hear any water...from your sink." Her eyes swiveled slowly down to my hands. "You don't...wash those things after?!" I held my hands up and looked at them, then I stared at her as a devious smile grew on my face. Her pupils shrank as she read my expression (I guess ponies have gotten better at this!) and she whispered, "...you wouldn't..." ..so I did what came naturally: I started chasing her around my room! "EEEEEE!!" she squealed. "Don't touch me!!" she giggled as she took flight and zipped just out of my reach! "Dick germs! DICK GERMS!! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!" I yelled as we crashed and tumbled all over my bedroom! Just as I was about to grab her, she shut her eyes, lit her horn, and >POOF!<, she was gone! I stopped and looked around. "Shit! I didn't know she could do that! Where'd she go?" "Right here!" I heard behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin! I cornered her, spread my arms, and leaped. "Gotcha!" ...was what I would have said had I not found myself suddenly suspended in midair by Twilight's crazy magic! "Hey!" I shouted as she smiled up at me with a SMUG expression, "No fair! This is CHEATING!" "On the contrary, my dear Human friend," she said as she trotted me to my bathroom, "...this is well within my range of capabilities, and as the saying goes, 'All is fair in love and war?" Keeping me suspended in the air, she levitated soap and turned on my sink. Full blast. Cocking an eyebrow, she said, "Now then: we can do this the easy way...or MY way. Your choice..." Because I'm an idiot, I asked, "Umm...what are my choices?" She only smiled. "You COULD have warned me first!" I groused as I dragged myself out of my shower, fully clothed, and began pulling my soaked sweater off. She had her back to me as she used her magic to toss me a towel. "You needed to sober up, and besides, you smelled like you needed a proper soaking," she giggled. Sparing me what was left of my tattered dignity and keeping her back to me, she added, "I've left you some of your Human clothes on the toilet, so hurry up and get dressed! You and I still have matters to discuss!" With that, she trotted out and shut my door. "...bitch..." I muttered under my breath. "I heard that!" "What in Celestia's Name could they be doing up there?" Rarity pondered aloud as she looked up the stairs. The impromptu dance number had ended, and all but Rarity were sprawled upon the couch, enjoying yet another round of suds. Applejack and Dash had long since figured out how to open their own beers, so OF COURSE they'd persuaded Lyra to try some. Rainbow took a swig and laughed, "Know...>hic!< knowin' that egghead, she's proff..ably...probobblay? LIKELY...bor...boring him to tears with a lectshure about shome science-y shtuff! >hic!< Or...or...shomething about Hoo...Hoo-mun/Pony relations! She looked pretty pisshed when me and AJ call...called her that Hoo-mun word!" Applejack chuckled, belched, and put in, "That washh pretty funny! Ah jus' hope she knows we wuz jus' playin' around; we didn't mean nuthin'!" But Rarity wasn't convinced. "Then...why did she cast a 'silence spell' on the door? What could she be discussing with him that she doesn't want the rest of us to hear?" She looked back at her friends and wrinkled her nose. "You. Are all drunk." Lyra raised a hoof. "N...not ME! I...I'm...>hic!< luvin' thish..Hu...Human...DRINK!" holding up her half-empty beer. "I...could...lash...for...hours..." she suddenly tipped her head back and began snoring. AJ and Dash exchanged grins. "Lightweight!" "I still think you're blowing this waaay out of proportion, Princess," I said as I sat on my bed and dug a corner of my towel into my ear. "We Humans respect someone who can curse a little when they're talking! It shows they're not some 'stuck up' prude." The Princess put a hoof over her face and muttered, "You don't understand: we ponies are doing our best to present the most favorable picture before you Humans!" She dropped her hoof and glared up at me. "I can just see it now! 'Hello, Mr. President! Who's this BITCH beside you?! Your wife?! What a CUNT, DICKFACE!" I stared at her for a second, then fell over onto my back, laughing until the tears streamed down my face. "It's not funny!" she shouted. She kept glowering at me until I finally regained control, then I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Twilight, first of all, you really don't know how we do things here! My reaction is probably the same reaction you would get from our President! It's what we call a 'roast!' That's what we call 'ball-busting,' or 'giving someone shit,' when they're a good friend!" At her blank expression, I added, "It's mostly a 'guy' thing." She furrowed her brow. "Wait...so you...intentionally insult each other...to show you...LIKE...the other pony? I mean...person?" I shrugged. "Sure! Me and my friends fuck with each other all the time! Especially when we've been drinking!" She looked away, clearly thinking about what I'd said. "That would explain a few things..." I smiled. "So, you see? It isn't so bad!" I stood. "Now, I have a question for you: Why'd we have to have this conversation up here? Did you not want your friends to think you're mad at them?" She shook her head. "No, that isn't it at all." She looked up at me. "I...didn't want them to know I can speak 'Human.'" I raised an eyebrow. "That's weird. Why should that be a secret?" My curiosity was further piqued when she blushed. She looked away and said, "Be...because the secret that my Mentor thought would be 'so much fun for me to find out on my own,' involved...a spell that required...Human...participation..."
"You have GOT to be kidding me..."I came down the stairs to see my living room in shambles. I could see the bathroom door was ajar, and there were hoofprints going in and out of it; my fridge had been raided of all veggies and fruits, so there was a pile of banana peels, corn cobs, and empty grape stems in the trash; I had one lime-green pony with a horn passed out on my couch, my other two friends still laughing and tossing back suds, 'Stuck-Up Bitch' glaring at me as soon as I appeared, and my carpet damn near covered in empty beer cans. So, minus the ponies, it was a pretty normal day. Her Highness followed me out of my room, then stopped and frowned as she saw the state of my home. "Unacceptable!" she said as I watched her light that weird horn of hers. In a flash, all of the beer cans were picked up and deposited into a huge trashbag, and all of the food remnants gathered and piled into another; then she quickly pulled the beers from Dash and the blonde pony as she glared at them. They both blinked stupidly at their empty hooves for a moment, then turned and looked at the Princess at the same time. I was glad I couldn't understand their language, for whatever they were saying to her didn't seem to be...nice. She stood and waited patiently until they'd finished, then offered some...retort...of her own. Like I said, I couldn't understand them, but whatever it was she said must have gotten through to their drunken brains, for they both blushed as they looked around my living room, then at each other. The apple one removed her hat and said something that must have been an apology of sorts, followed by Dash, and then they got up and staggered to the door. "Wait!" I yelled as I came down the stairs. "It's cool," I said as I gestured around the room, "...my friends leave an even bigger mess whenever they come over...you all don't have to leave." I offered a smile as the two paused and looked back at me. "You don't have to go." Though they didn't understand my words, they returned my smile as I knelt down and held out my arms. "C'mon you two, bring it in!" They bounded over and nearly knocked me on my ass as they leaped into my arms. I laughed and hugged them tightly, then I took off the apple one's hat as her eyes grew wide and started in on her ears. I didn't leave "Bolt" out either, so I soon had two helpless ponies under my grubby mitts! Then, I heard what sounded like a sniffle, so I looked back over my shoulder. Only to see Her Highness and 'Stuck-Up Bitch' staring at us with unmistakable envy in their eyes. I was fine with giving Twilight ear scritches...but the haughty one could touch grass as far as I was concerned. She must have read my face, for she frowned, then tossed her head in the air with a "hmmph!" and turned her back on us. But not before I saw a single tear slide down her face, so it must have been her I heard choking back a sob. Aww, hell...I'm not a monster...and I can't stand to see a chick cry. Even if the chick is a pony. So I gave "Apple Pony" and "Bolt" one last vigorous scritch, then stood and approached the white one. She must have felt my presence, for she gasped and looked back at me. I smiled down at her as I waggled the fingers of one hand, looked pointedly at her ears, then back to her face, and raised an eyebrow. She gave me the most brilliant smile, nodded quickly, then turned to face me and bowed her head. From her enthusiastic response to my non-verbal question, I should have known what would happen next. As soon as I began scratching her ears, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she started...moaning... I felt my stomach roil as I bared my teeth in a grimace...but kept going, trying to get this over with as fast as I could! But when her moans grew louder, and she lolled out her tongue, that was it! I jerked my hand back and took a step away. She appeared to be in such rapture that she didn't notice I'd stopped, then she wiggled her ears and looked up at me with her bottom lip stuck out. The confusion and hurt look on her face made me almost sorry...almost! I quickly retrieved my pen and paper, scribbled an explanation, then showed it to her: No. MOANING! She stared blankly at the page, then turned to Twilight and spoke in their language. She came forward, read the note, BLUSHED LIKE A FURNACE, then answered the white one. The unicorn's blush matched Twilight's as she met my eyes again, then did something else weird! While "speaking" to me, she made a "cross" motion across her chest, then covered one eye with a hoof and gave me a pleading expression with her lip stuck out and the "puppy-dog" eyes! What the HELL was all that?! Seeing my reaction, Twilight took my writing stuff in her magic, wrote quickly, then gave the note back to me: She said she's sorry, and she promises not to moan anymore! I sighed and nodded, then stepped forward and resumed my "purpose." She closed her eyes and quietly went, "...eeeeee!" as she was getting her scritches...as Apple Jack and Rainbow fumed while watching her. They were both tapping their hooves as both of them shook with what looked like increasing annoyance, as they fixed the white one with murderous looks, then stared up at me! Even if she'd seen them, I doubt "Stuck-Up Bitch" would have cared, as she was turning her head back and forth, making sure I didn't miss a spot! Then, I noticed Twilight was staring at my hands as well, so I held out my other hand and said, "Would you like your ears scritched, Your Highness?" Her eyes grew wide as she shouted, "Sweet Celestia, YES!!"...then covered her mouth with her hooves. All other heads snapped in her direction (with the exception of 'Crazy Eyes'...she was still down for count: head thrown back, mouth wide open and snoring as she was sprawled all over my couch)...there was a beat of silence, then all of them began yelling at once! "Twilight! How could you?!" yelled Rarity as she rounded on her, her "ear-scritching" forgotten for the moment. "WHY didn't you tell us you could speak 'Human?!'" "Yeah, Twilight!" added Dash, "...that was something we could have used!" Before Applejack could chime in, she held up her hooves. "I'm...sorry, everypony! It's just that...the way I learned is quite...embarrassing!" Now, she really had their attention! "Indeed?" smirked Rarity as she raised an eyebrow, "...do tell!" "Yeah, spill it! It can't be that bad, whatever it is!" offered Dash. Twilight blushed harder, briefly looked up at the Human, then quickly averted her gaze. In a small voice, she said, "...it...it requires...involvement...with a...Human..." They all turned as one and looked at Carl with a smile (who was watching them all without offering a word), then turned back to Twilight. "What kind of "involvement" darling?" Twilight shut her eyes and said, "The spell requires...a...kiss..." Rarity leaned forward. "I'm sorry, dear; I didn't quite catch that." She opened her eyes and yelled, "A KISS, okay?! I had to kiss a Human!! Are you all happy?!" They all stared at her, then burst into laughter! "It's not funny!" cried Twilight, "...and it's all Celestia's fault! She wouldn't tell me the spell; she just had me look it up, and THEN, she stood by and watched when I..."completed" the spell!" She kept glaring at them for so long that she didn't notice Lyra had awoken and said, "Is that all?!" They all stopped laughing and looked at her, as she got to her shaky hooves and stood while staring up at Carl. "You mean...all I have to do is give this Human a smooch, and I can speak his language?!" She grinned, "What are we waiting for?!" "It's not that simple," retorted Twilight, "First, you have to find a Human who is willing to kiss you, and then I have to cast the spell, which isn't as easy as it sounds!" She gave Carl another look as she finished with, "...and that first one might be harder than you think..." Lyra quickly sobered and pranced in place with excitement! "Ask him, ask him! We'll never know unless we try!" Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath, but before she could speak, Carl interrupted. "What...is going on?" he asked as he held up a hand. He looked around at them and said, "I know something is going on that I probably won't like: they were all laughing at you a second ago, you've been blushing like a rose for the past few minutes, and then this one," he pointed at Lyra, "...hasn't stopped grinning at me since she woke up!" He frowned. "Are you gonna let me in on the joke, or do I have to guess?" Twilight sighed again, then said, "Come with me..." as she turned to my stairs. The others began to loudly protest as they saw her beginning to leave, but she quickly silenced them all with a glare. She looked up at me again. "Let's go..." she muttered, so I followed her up to my bedroom. "You...can't be serious..." I said after she'd finished telling me "the procedure." Twilight shuffled her hooves and looked away. "THIS is why I didn't want them to find out," she whispered, "I knew Lyra would jump at the chance for a..."personal" encounter with a Human, but I wasn't sure if my other friends would!" I stopped. "Lyra...that's the weird one who kept staring at me?" She nodded. "Lyra has been obsessed with your kind the entire time we've known her...you cannot imagine how happy she was when we figured out how to come here..." I looked away and frowned for a moment, then turned back to her. "It's...that big a deal for her?" She nodded again. "As I said, you cannot imagine." I placed a hand behind my head as I felt my own cheeks heating up. "This is SO weird...the idea of...of..."locking lips" with a...pony..." As I grimaced, she saw my face and started to say something I knew would make the situation worse, so I held up a hand and said, "Hey...don't get me wrong: I think you're all really cute...but you're not only aliens...you're...animals..." Twilight glared up at me and growled, "FIRST of all, we're not animals; we're sapient beings, and second, how bad could it be? All you'd have to do is give her a quick peck on her lips...you don't have to treat her like she's your marefriend!" "My...what?" As she started to explain, I held up a hand again. "Never mind, I just figured it out." Then I said, "But it's not just her," I countered. "Apple girl, Dash, and that other one want to "participate" (making the air quotes) as well, right?" "Yes, but it doesn't have to be you; I can get one of the Embassy Humans to help," and here she paused, then said, "...although I think Rainbow and Applejack would feel a lot better if it was a friend, rather than a stranger." She stuck out her lip. "My..."encounter" was quite awkward, as I didn't know the Human, and I knew he was just doing so because Celestia Herself asked him." She shuddered. "I'd rather not have my friends go through that if I can help it." I gave her a flat look. "Way to pour on the guilt, Your "Highness"... She looked alarmed. "No, that's not at all what I meant! I don't want you to do this out of guilt or any sense of obligation...it's just that now that the secret is out, I know it will make them happy!" I looked away again, thinking. Then I squared my shoulders, smiled at her, and said, "Alright...for my friends!" She giggled and danced in place. "You will?! Oh, thank you, Carl! I can't wait to tell them!" "Hang on..." I said, then went to my dresser and took out a small canister. She stared up at me. "What...is that?" I smiled, then opened my mouth and gave it a few spritzes. "Breath mint...if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right!" then I added, "But! Let's keep this between the six of us...I don't want random ponies showing up at my door looking to treat me like a Rosetta Stone!" "A...what?" Then she shook her head and said, "Never mind...I'm sure it's a Human thing," she said as she went to my door. Once she opened it, all four of them spilled into the room! "How long have you all been listening?" she asked while frowning down at the "pony pile." They quickly untangled themselves, and then all of them had the grace to look embarrassed. "Just for a few minutes, darling!" She turned eager eyes up at the Human. "What did he say?!" Twilight looked over her shoulder, then back to her friends...and smiled. "I'M FIRST!!" screamed Lyra.
"I'm too young and beautiful! TAKE HIM INSTEAD!!"All was quiet in the bedroom as Twilight and the others waited outside in the hallway per Lyra's request. It had taken some major convincing for Carl, as the entire situation was "very creepy," his words, but in the end, he'd sighed and given in. That was more than half an hour ago. Twilight had cast the spell and left, joining her friends as they waited out in the hallway. But the quiet was now deafening, so Twilight finally called out, "Lyra? Carl? Is...everything okay in there?" When she still received no answer, she frowned, looked around once more at her friends, then pushed the door open. Only to see a comatose Human lying back against a chair, with his eyes rolled up and his tongue hanging out. And a startled Unicorn draped across his chest looking back at them, trying (and failing!) not to look guilty. "Lyra..." began Twilight in a low voice, "What. Happened?" Lyra glanced from her to Carl and back, then scrambled off his lap. "Happened? Nothing! Nothing at all! What do you mean?!" as she began to visibly sweat. Twilight flew up to him and placed a hoof against his neck, then breathed a sigh of relief upon finding a pulse. Then, she returned her glare to the shaking one. "WHY is he like this? What. Did. You. DO?" Then, she did a double-take and added, "And why are you wearing that hat?!" Lyra quickly snatched the top hat off her head and hid it behind herself, then said, "He was like that when I came in here!" Twilight stomped a hoof. "Lyra! Tell me exactly what happened!" Lyra looked down and sighed. "Okay, okay..." She met her eyes and said, "I waited until you cast the spell..." "Alright..." "Then I closed the door and asked the Human to sit down..." "Go on..." A weird smile broke across her face as she finished with, "And then! I jumped on him, wrapped my mouth around his, and held it there for thirty-seven minutes!" All the other ponies gasped, and Twilight's eyes grew wide as she yelled, "Lyyyyyyraaaaa! You could have KILLED him!" A look of genuine shock came across her face as she said, "What?! NO! Killing Humans is my LEAST favorite thing to do!" "Lyra..." Twilight tried, "...you could have seriously hurt him..." She sat down, bowed her head, and sighed. "Yeahhh...you're right. I'm in the wrong here...I suck." "What is wrong with his hands?" They all looked up at Rarity, who had moved closer to Carl and was staring intently at him. She looked over her shoulder and asked, "Why are his hands so wet?" They were not only wet, they were soaked up to his elbows. Carl's body spasmed, gave a slight groan, then fell back unconscious once again as drool slipped down his chin from his open mouth and protruding tongue. Lyra giggled."Oh, that! I was licking his hands!" Everypony else in the room cried, "WHY?!" Lyra giggled again. "Well...duh! Because I love everything about Human hands, you all know that, and I wanted to see how they tasted! Gimme a break!" They all stared flatly at her. A crazed glint appeared in her eyes as she added, "...that, and my stomach was making the rumblies..." Twilight facehoofed. "...that only hands could satisfy!" Just then, Carl stirred again and started flailing his limbs and flinging his head from side to side as he muttered, "...no...no! Hay breath...pony lips...make it stop...make it STOP!..." then sat up with a girly scream. "Wha...what happened?" He looked around, then raised his hands, grimaced, and held them away from himself. "EWWW! What. The Actual. FUCK?! WHY are my hands so fucking wet?!" Then he spotted Lyra and nearly fell over backwards as he scrambled to his feet. "Keep that crazy bitch away from me! I mean it!" Everymare turned to Lyra, who offered them her toothiest grin. "Nice goin', Lil Miss "Ah'm First!" Applejack looked back over her shoulder at the Human, who was waving his arms and making a mad rush for his bathroom while still muttering insanely, "Pony lips...pony lips!" Then she glared back at Lyra. "Now yew dun messed it up fer all of us!" It was a couple of days before Carl was able to come out of his house. Once, he turned on the television and just happened to catch the opening scene of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. When King Arthur and his servant Pasty came 'clip-clopping' up to the first castle, the sound of hooves made Carl scream, toss the remote at his TV, and flee upstairs to his bedroom, where he stayed huddled in the fetal position for the rest of the night. Eventually, one of his friends forced his front door open and called out for him. "Hey, Carl? You alive, buddy?" His friend looked around and wrinkled his nose. "Whoa...this place looks like shit...so he must be here." Cautiously, he climbed the stairs, still calling, "Carl? It's Víctor...you up here?" Coming to his bedroom door, Víctor braced himself, then sloooowly opened the door. And breathed a sigh of relief once he saw Carl huddled in a blanket while crammed into a corner. "¡Órale!, vato, we thought you were dead!" He stepped up to him and sat down. "What the hell are you doing?" Carl's giant, bloodshot eyes swiveled to his friend's face, and he asked in a shaky voice, "Po...ponies? Did...did you see...any ponies?" Suddenly, he lunged forward and grabbed his friend by the collar! "Don't lie to me!! Have you seen them?!" Víctor held Carl's wrists and shouted back, "No! ¡Cabrón loco! None of those aliens have been seen around here! What are you talking about?!" But Carl tightened his grip and narrowed his eyes. "I...don't believe you!" He drew him closer...then sniffed him. "Ugggh...I smell...pony! You...you're working for them, aren't you? Don't lie to me!" Víctor struggled to free himself as he yelled, "¡Estás realmente loco! I don't know what you're talking about!" Suddenly, from downstairs, they both heard a female voice cry out, "Carl? It's me, Twilight! Can...can we talk, please?" Carl's eyes grew wide, then he smirked. "Aha! If I'm so "crazy," then how do you explain that?!" Before Víctor could ask what he meant, the bedroom door opened, and Twilight stood there looking worried. "Carl, I just wanted to say how sorry—" but Carl had pulled his friend to his feet and held him like a shield in front of him. "Stay back! Don't hurt me! Hurt him instead!" And he pushed Víctor towards her as he leaped out the window. Twilight caught him in her magic as the sound of a body hitting the soft ground outside reached their ears, followed by the flap of bare feet scurrying away down the sidewalk. Twilight looked at Víctor. "Hello." He stared for a moment, then replied, "Hola. Entonces, ¿eres un pony?" Twilight nodded. "Sí, soy la Princesa Twilight Sparkle. Pero, puedes llamarme Twilight." "Okay, Twilight." Then he smiled. "You're kind of cute." Twilight blushed. "Gracias, kind sir."
