All the farmers are cannibals
I yawned as I rolled over on the couch, pulling the blanket over my eyes as I faintly made out Ruby watching TV and sitting on my hind legs.
“Do you have any idea what time it is Ruby?” I grumbled and rolled over to watch a cartoon on the TV.
“Ten in the morning,” Ruby chirped with a smile and laid down on me. “Good morning momma. You passed out on the couch after coming home from the fields.”
I faintly did recall Cherry and I staying out till one am harvesting grapes and crushing them. I really need to convince Cheerilee to come out and help one day. Maybe bribe her into having her students come and help. Though that might cost me more bits than I’d make if they fucked up our trees.
I wrapped a foreleg around her and nuzzled her, careful to avoid the tiny horn poking up through her mane.
“How’s my filly?” I smacked my lips and flailed a hoof for the glass of water on the coffee table. I gave her a grateful look as she hoofed me the plastic cup and I started drinking as much as I could.
“Good how about you momma?” Ruby asked and curled up in a ball on my lap.
“Good. Have you had breakfast yet?” I asked and she nodded quickly. “Was it at least healthy breakfast and not candy from the cupboard?”
“Cereal,” Ruby answered after a moment. “Can we go play with Dinky and Noi later? They invited me to go play with Pinkie outside Sugarcube Corner.”
“Yeah sure. I could use some catching up with Golden and Derpy. It’s been a few days since we last had a mom’s afternoon,” I shrugged as best as I could. We didn’t all meet up as much as I’d like. Golden had her own farm, Derpy had her jobs and her kids. Strawberry might be there too if I’m lucky but she has her own farm as well.
“Yay! Come on, let’s go!” Ruby’s hooves tickled me through the blanket as I inhaled.
“Five more minutes,” I promised and grinned widely at her as I dragged my filly closer and started nuzzling her. “I want cuddles from an adorable filly.”
Ruby laughed as I continued tickling her and I smiled again before kissing her nose.
“Alright, Mom is done. Let’s get a move on. Behave and I’ll get you a milkshake.”
“Yay! But I want a chocolate one. Or a strawberry. Vanilla sounds good too. Cotton candy with nuts on top and lots of cherries.”
I rolled my eyes as Ruby carried on listing all the milkshake flavors she liked. That filly was way too much like me when I was her age.
I wrapped my hoof around my chocolate milkshake as I settled down across the golden earth pony sipping at her vanilla shake.
“You’re really boring, you know?” Strawberry Sunrise commented and sat down next to me with her mix of cotton candy, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.
“Bite me,” Golden Harvest growled and we both snickered. “Better than that concoction of absolute grossness. How did you even think of combining those?”
“You should know. You were pregnant once,” Strawberry shot back and we both gave her stunned looks.
“Since when are you pregnant?” I broke the stunned silence. Last time I checked, Strawberry was seeing Daisy I think it was? One of those three.
“I’m not but still. I get these weird ideas and decide to jump on it,” Strawberry explained with a small grin, jumping slightly as Roseluck dropped next to Golden. Okay, clearly not Roseluck because she would have sat next to Strawberry. Must be one of the other two then. “Oh and don’t tell Derpy but I put a few thousand bits in her bedroom earlier today. Celestia knows that mare needs the bits more than I do.”
We all nodded and zipped hooves over our mouths. We’ve secretly been leaving bits at Derpy’s house for her. She was the one who had the most money problems after Dinky’s dad left them and took almost all their money. If I ever saw Star again, I’d strangle him and bury him in the Everfree for hurting those three. As far as Derpy knew, it was child support and while we hated lying to her, Derpy was a proud mare and would have straight up refused if we offered help. I’m a single mom and I can confirm I wouldn’t have made if this far without Golden Harvest helping me out as much as she did.
“I’m ready to die,” Roseluck proclaimed and rested her head on the table.
“Why today?” I asked and she rolled her head to look at me.
“Me and Caramel called it quits today,” Roseluck answered and we all sat back quietly. “It sucks but oh well.”
“Pinkie!” Golden shouted as I watched White Lightning, Cotton Cloudy, Derpy, Dinky and Amethyst trotting up from my window seat. “Get this mare a shake please!”
“Coming right up!” Pinkie shouted with a grin.
“Ruby, come here,” I said to the filly sitting at a nearby table with Noi drawing and inhaling her third shake.
“Yeah momma?” Ruby asked and I pushed some bits across the table. “Bits?”
“Buy Dinky, Derpy and Amethyst a shake. But offer first,” I explained and narrowed my eyes. “No pocketing the change for yourself, they don’t have a lot of money. And don’t tell anypony that or you’re grounded. Am I clear young lady?”
“Yes ma’am!” Ruby saluted and scooped the bits. I watched her warily approach the three and hug them, sighing quietly to myself. Derpy had seemed a bit thinner than before a few weeks ago but due to us leaving bits behind, she was thankfully looking a bit more heavier and had some more meat on her bones. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost that mare. Celestia knows I’ve lost enough ponies in my life.
“Wish Silverspeed didn’t have to work today. Apparently a lot of pegasi are out sick today and she volunteered,” Strawberry sighed and stirred her shake.
“Why aren’t you and White Lightning out there helping then?” Roseluck scoffed and I coughed into my hoof.
“Because she set a tree at Sweet Apple Acres on fire with a stray lightning bolt,” Golden Harvest teased with a grin and waved her hooves in the air. ”Accidentally.”
“It was damn it!” Strawberry snarled and we all giggled as White Lightning and Derpy approached with their own shakes.
“What are we arguing about today?” White Lightning asked with a bored expression. “Is it about Strawberry’s hatred of the apples again?”
“Yup,” Roseluck said and I wrapped a hoof around Derpy with a grin. “We need a unicorn in the group. Where’s Twilight?”
“You want Twilight Sparkle to join us? She doesn’t have any kids though?” I pointed our as Roseluck and Strawberry both gave me bored looks.
“Nor do we,” Roseluck shot back and gestured to her and Strawberry. “Yet here we are. And technically most of Ponyville considers Spike her son so.”
Golden turned red and I grinned wickedly at her. It was common knowledge she was into Spike but had no real idea of how to go for him. We good naturedly teased her extensively about that one.
“Lyra?” Derpy suggested. “She doesn’t have a kid but she’s funny. Then there’s Sea Swirl. Ooh Minuette, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine?”
I only really knew three of those ponies but I can confirm Lyra and Sea Swirl know how to have a good time. Minuette is pretty much like a mom and tags along to keep the two out of trouble. Lame as fuck in my eyes but Minuette is pretty cool. Needs to liven up a bit though.
“I just realized something,” I interrupted the others talking as I glanced at Applejack at her family’s stand, hoofing some apples to Davenport. “Applejack is a cannibal.”
The entire group sat in silence as they all gave me confused and surprised looks before Strawberry cleared her throat.
“The fuck just come out of your mouth?” Strawberry asked finally and I shrugged as White Lightning snorted back a laugh.
“You heard me,” I answered and pounded a hoof against the table inside Sugarcube Corner, causing our milkshakes to bounce. “Applejack is a cannibal!”
“Where did you get that idea from?” Derpy asked with a giggle.
“Hear me out,” I started and they all stared at me. “Her name is Applejack, right?”
“Correct,” Roseluck raised an eyebrow. “Where are you going with this?”
“What does she grow?” I asked pointedly.
“Corn.”
“Beets.”
“Radishes.”
“Okay!” I cut them off before they could say another vegetable. “But what’s her primary crop? The one her family is literally famous for?”
“Apples?” Derpy guessed and I flung a hoof in her direction.
“Exactly!” I cried. “How much do you wanna bet she eats those apples?”
“I’m not entirely sure I want to lose a lot of bits on a bet like that,” Roseluck mused to herself. “Daisy and Lily would be really mad at me for that.”
“We all know that family eats a lot of apples. Therefore, they’re cannibals! Like, Granny Smith is named literally after an apple! Cannibals!” I pressed my hooves to my mouth and flung them outwards as I made an exploding sound with my mouth.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” Golden Harvest muttered with a smirk. “We need help.”
“Technically all us farmers are cannibals. Strawberry eats a shit ton of strawberries. More so than anypony I’ve ever met and is probably on an unhealthy level. I’ve been to your house for dinner before, don’t try to argue!” I snapped and Strawberry closed her mouth. “Golden Harvest eats a lot of carrots, Carrot Top.”
“That’s not my name.”
“Tomatoe tomato,” I grumbled dismissively as Golden growled slightly at me. Forget Minuette needing to lighten up, Goldy needed to more. That mare has a temper occasionally. And I thought Octavia was bad.
“Don’t you eat a lot of berries? And drink a lot of punch?” White Lightning scrunched her muzzle up as I froze in horror. “I think I broke her girls.”
“Berry Punch?” Strawberry nudged me with a wing and I swayed. “Great going White Lightning. Where’s the factory reset button?”
I’m a cannibal too. Fuck me.
