BEDLAM Minus One

The forest echoed with the creaking roar of timber falling as our small army of tree-felling animunculi tore a path for us toward the horrendously named mountain which loomed above the treeline. The knowledge that this horrible woodland was having a big ugly line torn through it almost made up for the fact these trees were too thick for us to fly over.

I grunted and slapped my neck as more of the horrible biting insects swarmed into the cockpit of our land vehicle. Despite the noise the rolling, tread-bound machine was making all on its own, the miserable pests were seemingly too excited by the prospect of feeding on our blood to care.

"This place sucks!" Jury screeched, snapping her tail at the cloud of vermin. "Why'd we come here?!"

"Because our research showed it to be the location of Ponehenge, which was the place Starswirl claimed they'd have their final battle with Stygian," I snarled, waving my hand through the air to try and disperse the bugs. "And we need to investigate it directly."

"Why can't we just send an animunculus to do it?!" She pressed. I threw my head back with a groan.

"Because we need to see what's there, Jury."

"Fine, but why don't we just build one we can, I dunno," she rolled her hoof and rocked her head in thought. "See through the eyes of?" I turned to retort but paused at her suggestion.

"Not a bad idea, actually," I hummed, leaning back in my seat and mentally scheming up a design or two before shaking my head. "But we're already here, so we aren't turning back now."

"You might wanna reconsider that, Eddy," a familiar feminine voice replied from just behind us. We both froze and turned to see Starlight Glimmer sitting at the back of our cockpit with a critical leer cast my way. While Jury wilted with a whimper, I sighed.

"I'd ask 'how,' but I'm more interested in what the hell that is," I retorted, waving my hand and gesturing past her with an annoyed glare. "Some scheme against me, I presume?" She blinked and looked over her shoulder before gasping.

"Aw, you son-of-a-" Was all she got out before being slapped in the throat by my blasting talisman. She made a noise like a sputtering duck before being launched into the woods by a squealing ball of magic which exploded as soon as she was out of sight.

I snapped forward and began frantically hammering the controls, setting the vehicle to top speed. We wound up crushing several golems in our path, but fortunately, we had a suitably long path to roll along ahead of us.

"What the heck is she doing here?!" Jury screamed, casting a terrified look back.

"Hunting us, obviously," I huffed, quickly sending a command through my glove to the golems around us, setting the signal to repeat as we traveled so it spread to those that weren't immediately in range. Many turned back and moved to form a line between our vehicle and Starlight, according to my command. "Dumb unicorn luck led her straight to us, probably. Or some other stupid pony magic excuse." Jury recoiled and then turned up her nose with an indignant humph. Ignoring her, I pulled back my coat and checked the various spell talismans I'd brought along.

"Over here! Starlight found him!" I choked and turned to see Rainbow Dash emerging from the trees with a thoroughly pissed-off Starlight at her side.

"Look what he did to these poor trees!" Fluttershy cried as the rest of them stepped into view. She stamped her hoof and snarled our way. "You horrible thing, you!" I smirked at her indignation until a certain purple alicorn made herself known and cast a look of reserved fury my way.

"Whuh-oh," I murmured as she snapped her wings and exploded after us. More alarmingly, as I turned my attention forward to steer the machine, I realized we weren't moving.

"Eddy?" Jury squeaked.

"Bedlam," I replied, checking the controls.

"Bedlam?" She repeated, just as fearfully.

"Yes?" I turned and blinked, as we were being tilted back by a purple-hued magic field. "Huh." The entire vehicle was pulled and then balanced on its rear. Twisting my head, I saw Twilight hurdling toward us and I quickly snapped my telekinesis talisman out, grabbing one of the animunculi and yanking it into her path.

She slammed into it head-first and shouted in shock as she and the machine tumbled to the ground. Before we could celebrate, our vehicle began to creak and slowly began to fall backward. Jury squeaked as I grabbed her and flopped out, switching on my shield once we hit the ground. The tank fell and impacted my barrier with a metallic crack and bounced sideways. We both exhaled in unison once it settled and we were able to stand up.

"Thank you for coming up with this, Jury," I gasped, inspecting the shield's talisman for any issues. She beamed and bashfully kicked the dirt.

"Aw, you're wel-" was all I heard her say before I found myself hurdling through the air with a ferocious warcry filling my ears. Ferocious for a tiny purple alicorn, anyway. My shield kept me stable enough in the air that I could look down over my shoulder at Twilight, along with the trail of purple and pink streaking away from her due to how fast she was tackling me.

Before I could pull any of my talismans free to strike or dislodge her, she banked upward, letting me continue sailing into a standing stone. My shield reverberated and I bounced off, where a blast of magic drove me into the dirt. Then, several more came booming in, pushing me deeper down. After a few seconds of bombardment, I managed to roll over just in time to see her hooves impact with the shield right where my chest was. Then she shot back up and slammed down again, and again.

And again.

And again.

And once more for good measure. She leaned into her stomp this time with bared teeth, and I swear I saw little embers roll up her mane. As well as faint cracks in my shield which faded after a second. She clenched her teeth so hard I heard her jaw creak as she bent lower and lower, and then she stood up straight with a sigh.

"Boy, am I glad you built this thing," she quipped, tapping the shield twice, before fixing me with a venomous glare. "Cause that was cathartic."

"yeh," I squeaked. I heard Jury cry out as she was tossed overhead, after which the rest of Twilight's friends peeked down the small crater I was buried in at us. They shared a look before Applejack cleared her throat.

"You, uh," she coughed into her hoof. "You good, sugarcube?"

"I'm good," I gasped. Twilight raised an eyebrow as Applejack scowled.

"I was talkin' to-"

"Uh, everypony?" Sunburst suddenly quailed. We all turned our attention to him as, from under his cloak, Starswirl's journal-

God damn it.

Anyhow, Starswirl's journal slowly floated up out of his grip and began spinning while encased in a brilliant golden light. The entire grove around us was lit up by the book, which then drifted off out of sight. Twilight gasped and reared up on the edge of the pit, looking at where the book went with stars in her eyes.

"Omigosh," she gasped before scampering off of me and out of sight. Whatever was happening must've really been something since literally the whole group was no longer paying attention to me. I groaned and sat up before stepping out of the pit to see what the hubbub was about and found myself just as mesmerized.

I still found time to glance back and groan with annoyance at the piles of ruined golems behind us, but the events transpiring around me almost made up for that.

The standing stone Twilight had slammed me into was in fact, one of six, confirming we were now standing in Ponehenge. Additionally, they were arranged around a single, stone platform and were lit up with golden magic. Jury scurried up and put me between her and Twilight's friends before she nudged me and pointed at one of the stones.

Starswirl's book was sitting open at its base and a ball of light was bubbling in the air above it. Scanning the grove, similar phenomena were taking place with the other stones, and several familiar shapes were forming in the light at each point.

"Those are the Pillars' artifacts, aren't they?" I idly asked.

"They are," Twilight murmured, her head slowly pivoting to each stone. "What's happening?" As I pondered the question, I saw several golems creeping toward the grove through the corner of my eye. I quickly clicked a sequence to have them stand by and then focused on the scene around me.

"Starswirl!" Twilight suddenly gasped, pointing at the light above the guy's book, which had suddenly taken on his alleged shape. I frowned and folded my arms with one hand on my chin. As the ponies ooed and ahhed at the scene, my mind began running through explanations. I slowly turned on my heel as the other lights turned into the shapes of the other pillars. I hummed and nodded as the figures began reenacting a scene.

"The magic is showing us what happened before they vanished," I idly voiced.

"What?" Starlight asked, looking up at me before turning back to the scene. Sure enough, the Pillars began performing a ritual with their artifacts and blasted the central stone platform with their magic. From the platform, a bubbling, black ooze gurgled forth and swelled into a huge ball before bursting, leaving behind a gargantuan, monstrous alicorn-like thing made entirely from shadow.

The ponies gasped as the monster jeered and cackled, but I narrowed my eyes as the scene played out.

"You summon me at your peril, Starswirl," the thing chortled, shadowy tendrils slithering out from its wings. "Once I destroy the six of you, this land will embrace the power of darkness as I did so long ago!" I hummed and kept my eyes locked on the shadow pony, ignoring Starswirl as he offered something inane in response.

Then, all at once, the Pillars channeled their magic into a hexagonal shape around the shadow. The grove was filled with white light, as the entire group rose into the air, dragging the shadow with them. As they ascended, the light increased before finally, against all at once, they all vanished. From the points where the Pillars had just been, their individual artifacts fell and upon making contact with the solid earth, the images vanished.

I smirked as everything clicked into place in my mind. Meanwhile, with the exception of Jury who stayed hidden at my side, the ponies scanned the grove with wonder visible on their faces.

"Uh, what the heck just happened?" Rainbow asked, fluttering from place to place.

"Like I said, we got a glimpse of what happened when they vanished," I replied with a dark chuckle, scanning the forest for a path of escape. Sunburst gasped.

"I think he's right! Powerful magic like what they used to seal that monster would leave an impression on the land," he declared, galloping to and scooping up Starswirl's journal. "Bringing the book back here caused some degree of resonance, letting us see what happened!" Awe-inspired silence gripped the area for a moment.

"Whoa," Rainbow huffed.

"That's amazing," Twilight added just before I laughed aloud and drew their angry glares my way.

"Lucky me! I might've been up against a brick wall otherwise," I giggled rubbing my palms together and stalking toward Twilight. "So if I see things right, all of their artifacts are the key to the door they cast themselves through." I grinned wickedly and bent at the hips to look her in the eyes.

"So, to achieve the next part of my plan, I just need to find them all," I began as she scowled fiercely. "Before you." She studied my face for a moment before smirking.

"Actually, I'd say the first major hurdle is getting out of this grove," she retorted, spreading her wings as her friends circled me. "And thus, passed all of us." My smile widened.

"Fair point. All me to retort!" I quickly slipped a talisman from my belt. While Twilight and the rest braced to tackle me, Jury gasped and covered her eyes. Her action was the only correct one, as the rest recoiled with a unified outcry as the talisman filled the entire grove with a glaring burst of light all at once. "High-intensity light spell, set to mimic that of the sun for brief intervals! Wasn't sure what we'd find up here and some old ruins can be pretty dark after all!" The ponies all tumbled over, clutching their eyes with their hooves and spitting insults my way as I quickly snatched Starswirl's journal.

"Isn't he brilliant?" Jury wistfully declared as she trotted up to my side. I offered her a smile of appreciation before waving at the golems in the distance.

"But don't worry, Princess, I would dream of leaving you without an aid!" I said, to Twilight's audible annoyance. I picked up Jury and made for the path we'd cleared through the woods, rolling my hand at the golems as we passed them. "My dear animunculi, please keep these poor lost ponies here and safe until I return!"

"And so thoughtful, too!" Jury said with a giggle.

"Bedlam!" Starlight screamed as she opened her eyes and attempted to blink her vision back.

"Hoh-hoh-HOH! That's the spirit!" I replied as the golems moved on the ponies. In short order, we made it back to our vehicle, and with her magic and my talismans got it upright and rolling again.

"That was great!" Jury cheered as we sped away.

"Sure was! But let's not get ahead of ourselves," I replied, wagging my finger at her. "We need to hurry back to the castle and resupply. Probably need to crack open some of the more experimental and unethical shit we've got locked up." I cast an inquisitive glance back at the grove.

"Got a nasty feeling we're going to need some serious ordnance for the coming weeks."

The ponies in the quarry looked up at me as I loomed on the pit's ledge. Some of the older ones had hate in their eyes, while others especially the younger ones were nearly scared to tears. Maybe it was the ring of armed animunculi aiming laser weapons down at them, who knows? In any case, they'd paused their work and I shrugged.

"You said you didn't want my machines to do the digging since they'd smash up whatever I didn't need," I called down, drawing an angry grunt from one of the head archaeologists. "Don't blame me that the only solution is you digging in their place." I grinned and leaned over at them.

"Now, get back to work," I demanded, causing them to continue chipping at the rock after a moment. I clapped my hands a few times as I turned to check on the other workers. "And hurry up! Double-time!"

The entire dig site was crowded with golems and ponies hauling carts of stones which were then dumped into the sea the site overlooked. I strode along, peeking down into each pit as I passed before making it to one of the ancient founding stones Rockhoof's village had been built upon, where Jury-rig sat, with a few ponies fanning her while she looked over their notes.

"It's hotter than Tartarus out here," she griped without looking up once she noticed I was nearby. "And the air's all salty."

"If'n ya can't handle the heat," a voice echoed over the area, drawing our attention to one of the cliffs surrounding the ruins. I hissed air through my teeth at what we saw. "Then get the heck outta here!" Applejack reared forward and bucked a massive boulder into the air.

Not down the cliff.

Into the air.

"Oh, sweet Jesus," I squeaked as the hundred-ton rock arched through the sky and came hurdling down toward me specifically. Jury screamed and galloped out of the way while her fanning ponies and I did likewise. The boulder slammed into the spot I'd just been with an echoing boom before it bounced and came rolling after me. I rushed at an angle and then dove to the side allowing the rock to roll past and into the cliff face where it burst apart. As I huffed and moved to stand up, I was violently smashed into the ground again.

"Gotcha, y'varmint," Applejack spat, holding my head to the dirt with her hoof. I growled in response, but when I reached for my belt, she gently tapped me in the hip, drawing a prolonged, wheezing squawk of pain from me. "None o'that now. Yer comin' with me."

"You wanna bet?" I heard Jury scream, followed after a moment by Applejack gasping. A second after that, she grunted and stepped off of me, allowing me to sit up and look back to see Jury, with several golems aiming their weapons at her cowering fan ponies. I smirked and waved at her in gratitude before standing to my full height and drawing my blasting talisman.

"That's dang low of ya, Ed," Applejack spat as I dusted myself off and eyed up the pit just behind her.

"Not as low as you're about to be," I said before shooting her in the face, sending her sprawling head over hooves and causing her hat to spin through the air. As she fell back and down, I blasted the ropes we'd been using to haul ponies and rocks out of the pit. "Enjoy the climb back up!"

"Bedlam! Look!" I whirled around to see Jury pointing at where the boulder had impacted. The rockface had caved in, revealing a small shrine at the back of which stood an altar bearing Rockhoof's image and his dinky magic shovel. I recoiled in shock before smirking.

"Easy."

"He threatened to burn your home down?" Rarity gasped, with a hoof to her mouth. The distraught, elderly unicorn before her just shook her hanging head as she sat miserably on the steps leading to the little two-story house at the center of a partially ashen and thoroughly overgrown garden.

"He didn't just threaten, he started setting fires all over the place," she moaned. "He didn't even bother putting them out once I gave him the flower he was after." She grunted and cast an angry and teary-eyed glare over the garden. An entire corner had been singed down to the roots, leaving only the bare, ashy earth where plants had once grown.

"That flower was the last good plant in this place, but that's still no excuse to do all this," she murmured. Rarity furrowed her brow as she scanned the mess before tilting her head with a hum. She lit up her horn and tugged at the belt of gardening tools sitting beside the unicorn, who looked at her with confusion.

"May I?" Rarity asked as she drew several tools and began trotting around the garden. She worked the tools she'd taken all at once and set them into a flurry of snipping and scraping. Within minutes, the elder unicorn gasped as what was once a mess of overgrowth and weeds was trimmed and shaped into something more presentable. Rarity glanced back at her with a smile as she worked. "Even if that horrible ape hadn't harassed you, I just couldn't turn a blind eye to all this." She spun around, scanning her work with a hum.

"A bit of pruning can work wonders, you know."

The hovercraft squealed and rattled at the speed we forced it to move at. I clenched my teeth hard as Jury continued beating her hooves into my back to put out the fire.

"Are they still chasing us?" I screamed, casting a glance back. Jury blinked and looked that way as well. Off in the distance, Ember the Dragon Lord hovered with her arms folded and an intermittent gout of flames springing from her snout. Just beside her, with Spike on her back, was Rainbow Dash, sticking her tongue out at me and rolling her eyes.

Additionally, the puny dragon was holding Flash Magnus' shield up triumphantly. I shuddered and growled as I turned my attention forward. Jury sighed in relief as she seemingly finished extinguishing my burning back. Then she gasped.

"Bedlam, your hair's all gone!" She cried. I tensed up, touched the top of my now bare scalp, and then groaned, dragging my hand down my face, revealing half of my beard was gone as well.

"I hate that dragon," I hissed.

I sat in disbelief as our flamethrower-equipped animunculi shorted out and sank into the mud of the swamp. As each one failed, the horrible little sparking bees that were swarming the area and slipping into their joints buzzed angrily, sending out crackling sparks of electricity as they did.

On a distant embankment, I spied Fluttershy and some local bumpkin pony speaking. The bumpkin pulled Meadowbrook's mask off the top of his head and handed it to her.

"Jury," I growled.

"Yes, Bedlam?"

"Remind me to burn this place down later."

All this over a stupid blindfold.

I panted and wheezed as my legs pumped and launched me along the road as fast as they could manage. Our initial sweep with our golems had done a great job of corralling Somnambula's ponies indoors, so there was only one four-legged figure I needed to worry about. Though all things considered, she more than made up for the lack of numbers. As I ducked around a corner, I saw Jury galloping toward me.

"Bedlam!" She squealed, magically holding up the weapon and protective masks I'd asked her to retrieve. I pointed at an enclosed porch beside her and dashed for it myself. Once we both met up, I snatched the tools out of the air, we both slipped on the masks, and I whirled around, aiming my weapon at the corner and open air right as a set of hooves came clopping toward us.

"I believe I was quite reasonable with you previously, Mr. Bedford," Celestia declared in an even tone as she stepped into my line of sight. "And despite your actions, if you surrender now, I am willing-" Her spiel rapidly shifted to a brief coughing fit as I blasted her in the face with a pump-action fired canister that burst open and coated her in a sparkling, blue dust. While Jury shivered anxiously, I smirked as Celestia shook her head and then blinked before scanning the dust. Her sudden look of horror told me she'd immediately recognized the stuff.

"Is- Is this poison joke?" She gasped, recoiling and retreating a few steps.

"An alchemically cultivated, fast-acting strain we've been playing with," I replied with a wicked grin behind my gas mask and pumped my launcher to load a new canister. "Delivered as a powder for even quicker results."

"Edward Bedford, this is a war crime," she quailed with a hanging jaw.

"Loser-talk, Loser," I replied, drawing a mirthful snort from Jury.

"You- HONK!" Celestia honked. I shook my head in bewilderment before laughing upon realizing she'd been turned into an angry, normal-sized goose with a big, goof aurora mane. Jury choked and slowly slid to the ground, desperately and poorly fighting off laughter.

"Guess your goose is cooked, eh?" I chortled, looming over the transformed alicorn. She scowled up at me, then down at the layer of dust on the ground. With an angry gurgle, she desperately kicked some of the dust at me, causing me to clumsily spring back. "Hey! Watch it!"

I slouched in my chair, glaring at the workshop table on which we'd set the magic items we'd stolen over the past few weeks. To wit, Rockhoof's shovel, Mistmane's weird flower, Starswirl's journal, and Somnambula's blindfold. Jury reared up on the table and looked at the set with a hum.

"We've got four to their two," she chirped, offering me a reassuring smile. "I think that means we're winning."

"We need all six to open the door to limbo, Jury," I replied, slouching further and dragging my hands down my face. "And we've lost a lot of material and machines just grabbing these." I sighed and gave her a defeated leer. She scrunched her muzzle in thought before beaming.

"At least we still have the hovercraft!" She offered before resting a hoof on my knee. "And, may I say, somepony's looking very sharp with his new hair and beard style?" She tilted her head with a wide, toothy smile. I rolled my eyes and stroked my mustache in thought, it being the only bit of hair still on my head.

"We need all six," I murmured, running a few schemes through my mind. Jury wilted with a sigh and sat down before me.

"Well, on another bright side, at least they can't open the door and let the Pillars out," she mumbled. I shuddered with disgust.

"Very true. One set of heroes is enough of a problem," I replied. Then, I furrowed my brow and leaned forward on my knees. After a moment, I cupped my chin with my hand. "Jury, take a letter."