Twilight Takes a Cannon to Occam's Razor

by SparklingTwilight

Rating: everyone
Tags: Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1019

Flies are biting and Twilight can't get rid of them. But Pinkie Pie has a cannon.

Flies are biting and Twilight can't get rid of them. But Pinkie Pie has a cannon.

Dedication: Golden Tassel, this was inspired by your comment to me about Twilight's problem-solving process. :pinkiecrazy:

Cover Art: Cover art is by Delapouite with rights to Delapouite's part of the art discussed at the link. I removed part of the original art and added the distressed fly.

Published 2024-07-11 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-11 22:10:01 UTC

Breaking the Lex Parsimonae

Ponyville's weather patrol was napping, which was being tested under theory that mid-day resting might increase productivity by twenty percent. Princess Twilight would have been overseeing Rainbow Dash's experiment, except she was delayed because she'd just been bit on her butt.

"Wow, Twilight! Your hide is so soft!" Pinkie Pie grinned.

Twilight swatted Pinkie with her tail. "What are you talking about?" She scratched herself.

"Exactly!" Pinkie gestured at the growing rouge bump. "A fly totally bit you! Got right through your hide."

"Yes."

"Wow."

Twilight's eyebrows knitted together. "Unicorn hides are thinner than earth ponies'."

"Course they are," Pinkie nodded. "But that was a teensey-tiny fly, and wow," Pinkie examined Twilight's hide with a handy-dandy magnifying glass. "You've got so many bites. No bites... one bite plus one bite, two bite, three bite, five bite, eight bite, thirteen bite, twenty-one bites!"

"Darn it." Twilight flicked her tail. "They're not biting me in a Fibonacci sequence!"

"Seems they are. Would you like my fly swatter?" Pinkie offered.

Twilight took it in a hoof. "I'll give it a try, but it's too simple a solution--I've always been skeptical of Occam's razor."

"Occam's what?"

"Theory that the simplest solution is usually the best. Besides, pesky flies are always too fast for me."

"Did somepony say fast?" Twilight's pegasus "friend", Rainbow Dash flew through one of Twilight's open castle windows. "You need something caught? I'll catch it!"

"How about these flies?" Twilight gestured to an obnoxious crowd enveloping her behind.

A door-chime sounded.

"Whoa. This is what was delaying you? Did you roll in mud with Rarity?" Rainbow asked. "Why are all these flies attracted to you?"

"Oooh," Fluttershy said as she entered the foyer. "Twilight must have a smell or blood type that particularly attracts them."

"How can I stop them harassing me?" Twilight asked.

Rainbow Dash swooped to-and-fro trying to knock the flies away with hoofticuffs. A few stray hoofticuffs walloped Twilight on her behind.

"Darn it, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight squealed.

"Could this be Discord's work?" Pinkie Pie pressed her face into Fluttershy's muzzle.

Another door-chime sounded.

"Oh, no," Fluttershy said. "He's reformed.... well, he's working on it, and he said he wouldn't be summoning any plagues as pranks. Again."

"I'm still picking out froggies from our fondues," Pinkie Pie frowned.

"The bakery sells fondues?" Twilight asked, swatting wildly and striking Rainbow Dash on the snout.

"Not anymore."

"Smoke always works for me," Rarity, having entered with the chime, provided her solution.

"In what way?" Rainbow asked, rubbing her schnoz.

"Flies," Rarity said. Then she gestured to her trench coat. "Clothes also deter the miserable beasts. You could always don clothing, Dear."

"Clothing itches," Twilight whined.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "More than your bites?"

"Maybe."

"I will fetch my thurible," Rarity said, and ducked outside. "Sweetie Belle, oh Sweetie Belle," she called. "Be a dear and fetch your beloved older sister her thurible."

"Her what now?" A muffled voice came from outside.

"Her thurible."

"Is that the bumpy medical device under--"

"NO! Drat and darnnation. I'll obtain it myself." Rarity set off.

An hour later, they concluded Rarity had been distracted and all of them save Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were being feasted upon by flies. Fluttershy put her veterinarian-adjacent knowledge to work by using some balms, but all they did for Twilight was make her sneeze. Rainbow Dash refused the balms, insisting the bites kept her sprightly, doing loop-de-loops to dissuade the biters from chomping down.

Twilight had her younger brother Spike light a candle, but its smoke did little to dissuade the flies. Then, they tried a candelabra, to little effect.

"The smoke idea may be a dead end," Twilight concluded. "We need to try something else."

"Weeelll....", Pinkie Pie commented. "I have an idea, but you're probably not going to like it."

"Try me."

"My party cannon gives off smoke. I could shoot it."

"That's a terrible idea."

"Not really," Pinkie said, "it's just messy."

"How so?"

"I packed mud in the cannon for a special super-duper-riffic spa party for Rarity yesterday. The cannon's smoke, with its specially-treated mud might keep the flies off you. And the mud might knock some flies out of the air."

Through an increasingly-large crowd of flies, Twilight spoke: "Do it, Pinkie."

Pinkie Pie set up her cannon and had Rainbow Dash help hold it steady and adjust the wick.

"Can I light it?" Rainbow asked. "I've always wanted to shoot one of these."

"Of course, Dashie," Pinkie inspected the cannon's barrel.

"Cool!" Rainbow Dash got out a match.

"Wait!" Pinkie pulled her head out of the barrel.

Dash had already lit the cannon. Pinkie lunged for the wick, but it was too late. The cannon fired. Mud went everywhere.

When the smoke cleared, Twilight was flat on the ground.

"Oopsie," Pinkie sighed. "Dashie, you needed to wait until I double-checked its load."

"It was just mud--"

"--and glitter, but I also had a party pogostick stored in it that I was going to take out." Pinkie bent beside Twilight and gasped. "Girls..." her eyes filled with tears and she cradled Twilight's head. "I think I...", then she fainted.

Rarity entered the room, bearing her thurible high aloft on a threaded pole, spooled and attached to her trench coat. "Never fear, Dears, Rarity is here--oh no! This is the worst! Possible! Thing!" She also fainted.

Twilight woke with a splitting headache. "What hit me?"

"A really big fly," Fluttershy lied.

"That's not what--" Dash started.

Fluttershy placed a wing over Dash's mouth.

"Hay," Twilight, dripping mud, noted. "The flies are gone."

"I suppose," Fluttershy nodded.

"I have a headache."

"Try not to move too much."

"Moving is... difficult... I am surprised this succeeded. I thought smoke was important, but it seems the most extreme method was the best. Occam's razor be darned. I was right! I'd have been in a lot less pain if we tried the cannon first."

Fluttershy watched flies nip at Twilight's barrel. She hoped the Princess could feel them.

Author's Note

Chapter Title: Lex Parsimonae - meaning the Law of Parsimony.