Pure Absurdity

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Equestria Girls, Sex, Main 7 (EqG), Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1074

Unicorns doing unicorn things, much to certain girls' chagrin.

People have had a lot of crazy ideas about unicorns over the years. Given the sheer quantity, it shouldn't be surprising when some of them turn out to be true.

It still is, but it shouldn't be.

An entry in Thousand Words Contest III, in the Slice of Life and Comedy categories, earning Bronze in the former. Rated Teen for teenage discussions of M-rated topics. All characters are 18, just to be safe.

Published 2024-07-06 20:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-06 20:40:03 UTC

But the "Beard of a Goat, Tail of a Lion" Thing is Totally Wrong

It began as a typical Rainbooms practice session on an ordinary spring day in their senior year. No wild magic, no banished monsters, no forgotten skeleton from Sunset's closet seeking vengeance for unnoticed wrongs. Just friends spending time together creating something beautiful.

And then, as they were packing their instruments, Rainbow Dash opened her mouth.

"Just so you guys know, I won't be able to make the Sunday practice. My boyfriend from Cloudsdale's visiting." She leered and performed a languid, full-body stretch. "Might be walking funny on Monday."

That mostly got eyerolls, awkward looks into the corners of the room, and a drawled "Charming" from Rarity.

Sunset just nodded and said, “So, speaking of fantasy, I’ve been looking into tabletop RPGs—”

"Hey!" Dash glared at Sunset from her guitar case. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sunset took a moment to answer. “Well, some other streamers—”

“Not that. ‘Speaking of fantasy’? Really?”

"Oh." Sunset gave her a knowing look. “Dash, come on.”

Dash threw her arms up. “Come on what?”

“You’re a virgin.” It wasn't an accusation. It wasn't even a condemnation. It was a declaration of fact.

“I told you, my—”

“Your 'boyfriend from Cloudsdale,' sure." Sunset smirked as she supplied the finger quotes. "What's his name, again?”

That got a moment of hesitation, which was a moment more than Dash usually showed. "Ball Lightning."

Sunset snorted. "First innuendo you could think of?"

Dash crossed her arms, but couldn't look Sunset in the eye. "We've done it so many times. You don't even know."

"I bet I don't. You don't either, but still."

Rarity cleared her throat, cutting off Dash's next rebuttal. "Sunset, we know Rainbow is painfully single—"

"Hey!"

"Darling, you are many things, but a convincing liar is not one of them." Rarity turned back to Sunset. "It's still polite to allow her the fantasy."

Sunset blinked, expression shifting to embarrassment, then horror. "Wait, she was seriously trying to convince us?"

"Not helping," Fluttershy muttered.

That got a wince. "Dash, I'm sorry, really. I thought it was one of those jokes where it's funny because it's obviously not true and..." Sunset trailed off, sighed and turned to Fluttershy. "Still not helping, am I?"

She just shook her head.

"Right. I'm going to quit while I'm behind." Sunset sat on the floor, head in her hands. "Sorry, for the nothing it's worth."

After a few moments of thought and several pointed looks, Dash sat next to her and gave her a light punch in the arm. "Yeah, sure. I've busted your chops for worse." Following another brief pause, she said, "Is it really that obvious?"

"Well..." Sunset looked up, rubbed her arm, and gave a rueful grin. "I mean, you do still have a—" And the next sound out of her mouth was a bizarre string of phonemes like a horse trying to sneeze through a mouthful of peanut butter.

That got blank stares from everyone else. "A what?" said Twilight.

Sunset repeated the sound, blinked, then facepalmed. "Right. It's a magical sensation, niche enough that you wouldn't have a word for it. It's the..." She made several unreadable hand gestures. "The sign, the sense, the little tug. I don't know, it's like trying to explain color to the blind. There are three virgins in this room right now." She looked around the room with increasing desperation. "Does no one know what I'm talking about?"

Most of the other girls shook their heads, but Rarity gasped. "I believe I do, actually."

Sunset frowned. "I guess that makes sense, but then why wouldn't Twilight?"

Twilight sputtered at that. "You of all people should know I'm—"

Rarity cut Twilight off with a look. "Because we were both unicorns in Equestria."

Applejack turned to Pinkie. "You lost as I am?"

That got a nod. "I don't even know what map we're on."

"Ain't sure we got one."

Rarity cleared her throat. "Allow me to explain. I had a unicorn phase when I was a girl, as many do." She grinned. "One could argue I've never entirely left it."

"No comment," Sunset said, mirroring the expression.

"That included books on their history. Unicorns have long been held as symbols of purity and innocence."

Sunset barked out a laugh. "Again, no comment."

"And they responded to purity in kind. It was said that the only way to tame them was for them to lay their heads in the lap of an unsullied maiden."

That prompted a coughing fit and a much more emphatic "No comment." Everyone politely ignored Twilight's blush much in the same way they'd been ignoring Dash's boasts.

"Be that as it may," Rarity concluded, "it would appear there was something to the legends."

Once Sunset recovered, she looked at her friends like she was seeing them for the first time. “So... None of you can...?”

“No, Sunset,” Rarity said with the strained patience she usually reserved for Sweetie Belle.

“Human culture would’ve developed differently in a lot of ways if people could know that just by looking,” Twilight added.

"Huh. I could have gotten away with much worse rumors in my bad old days. Not going to now, obviously, but..." Sunset furrowed her brow. “Wait, then how did you know Dash made up her boyfriend?”

Applejack smirked. “'Cause we know Rainbow.”

Dash jabbed a finger at her. “This is slander!”

Twilight adjusted her glasses. “Only if it weren't true. What are you actually doing on Sunday, anyway?"

That got a sigh. "Family reunion. And not the fun Applejack 'everyone brings a dozen pies' reunion either. Grandma's going to spend the whole time getting on my case about 'the right college,' I just know it." Dash looked around. "It's really that obvious?"

"The only person who I can detect more clearly than you is Zephyr Breeze." Sunset shuddered and pointed in the rough direction of Fluttershy's house. "I can feel him from halfway across town.”

Dash gaped at her. “And you never warn me?”

Sunset answered with a devilish grin. “No offense.”

Author's Note

I may have been a bit too harsh on Rainbow Dash with this one, but it's all in good fun.

Certainly a bit raunchier than my usual work, but that's unavoidable given the subject matter. And it seemed like the kind of bare sliver of an idea that works best for the Thousand Words contest.