Foomph

by Scriblits Talo

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life
Length: 5342

Pinky Pie and a Kirin

Basil Burst, the Kirin, is dealing with some dangerous feelings, weather luckily or unluckily a certain pink pony arrives to distract her.

Originally Written for the 2023 Everfree Northwest Iron Author contest,
Also an examination of how editing and rewriting can make a story better.

Published 2024-07-08 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-13 18:32:26 UTC

Foomph! Edit the Fourth

Fhoomph!
-Scriblits Talo

A verdant garden stretched out for acres and acres. The golden rays of sunlight reflected a cascade from every dew-riddled surface.

Basil Burst, the Kirin, set down her hoe, and herself sat down basking against the rising sun, her silhouette a radiant dusk against the waking sky.

She felt a wave of cool calm wash over her.

How, she thought. How could something as radiant and fiery as the sun be so soothing, so at peace?

She cocked her head considering this.

'Buck me, Buck me, but where is my calm… I'm just sitting here, but I want to scream, to kick something…. How, how is the sun so calm?'

It wasn't just the work... Something else...

It was controlling the flame... Her Nirik... It was sometimes so tempting to just let go. To let the inferno consume all.
Why... Basil didn't know... It was just one of those days. The sun's calm was there. But not very effective against the surges of anxiety.

When, all of a sudden-

"Watchya looking at?!"

FOOOMPH !!!

The entire field poofed into flames, Basil smack dab in the middle.

The pink pony who had suddenly materialized before her just laughed and blew out a loose strand of mane which burned like a birthday candle.

Basil took a deep breath and extinguished herself, the wind shifted and the ring of flame around the pony and Kirin took care of itself, burning away into only cold soot relatively quickly.

"I…I’m"

'Compose yourself, Basil, come on, compose yourself. This is not the way to treat a stranger.

She tried to open her mouth to speak again but found herself caught off-guard by the sheer speed of the pastel pink pony.

"I’m what? I'm Sleepy? I'm scratchy? I love these types of games! They can be such a fun challenge. Ooh, I know! Your foomphy! No, that couldn't be it, you're already foomphed, if you were going to foomph again I'm sure it would have already happened…unless you were to have a double foomph! or Celestia forbid a triple foomph…

I had a party cannon once that would triple foomph, I had to get rid of it though…. Celestia ruled a triple foomph to be too much firepower for one pony to handle. Pretty funny considering she handles the sun every day, but heyo. But anyways, what I'm you?

Ooooh! I know I'm hungry… or is it hangry. Come on, let's get something to eat.

With that, Basil found herself ripped from her seat and hauled away by the strange pink pony, who was still talking… but wait, what was that about the sun?

"I love a hay burger, but it's really early for a burger, isn't it? Perhaps they have some pastries or some cupcakes, I can always do cupcakes."

"Um"

"But do I really want to start my frosting intake so early? Rarity has been telling me to cut back a bit…and Rainbow thinks I could be a little bit more fit."

"Um…. what was that you said about the sun?"

"I've been trying to do more push-ups lately. I mean look, I'm already so strong. Can you do a triple backflip? Oh Celestia, she raises the sun every morning, it's a really neat thing to see, almost magical…speaking of magic, do you know where I could find some balloons around here? I have an idea for a beautiful prank.

"I won't do any pranks around here…. "

"Oh, it will be great! See, I'm going to fill every closet in the place with balloons, every, and then when everypony wants to retrieve something from their storage…"

"You're liable to piss some creature off."

'"Then when they open their doors...

Bang!! All the balloons pop!

...

Oh…

...Oh, I hadn't thought about that…

I figure you have a point there…hmm now what do I do with my time instead. "

"Could you tell me a little about this sun pony?"

Breakfast actually turned out to be quite pleasant.

Although it wasn't her first choice, they ended up splitting a large apple crisp and oat platter, and it was exceedingly good…

The strange pink pony had excellent taste and she wasn't so bad once you got to know her.

Although initially she perhaps came across as an extra limb… Just violently existing, violently herself…so ...so out there. To shy Basil at first, that sort of vibrant personality felt intoxicating… As if it might be impossible to be around… but there was more to pinky than that legitimately out of their presence…

She deeply cared for others…. despite her outward appearance, and her apparent thoughtlessness…she was surprisingly insightful. Somehow, she knew of Basil's dower state… But how?

Forever a mystery.

But seeing a pony in need, she was there for her.

Basil smiled, feeling a different flame roll up inside herself... A kind of flame, like that of a hearth fire.

Something Pinkie had said stuck in her mind.

She had said it was addressed to the readers, which was weird... But it went something like...

A verdant volcano or a vexing garden, wherever you find yourself, it's better with friends.

Although an odd way to put it, upon consideration Basil thought it to be an absolute truth.

Although quiet time was important for sure... It would have been a fiery mess had Pinky not shown up when she did.

Basil smiled; it was good to have a new friend.

Foomph!( Third Edit)

Fhoomph!
-Scriblits Talo

A verdant garden stretched out for acres and acres. The golden rays of sunlight reflected a cascade from every dew-riddled surface.

Basil Burst, the Kirin, set down her hoe, before she sat down basking against the rising sun, her silhouette a radiant dusk against the waking sky.

She felt a wave of cool calm wash over her.

How, she thought, how could something as radiant and fiery as the sun be so soothing, so at peace?

She cocked her head considering this.

'Buck me, Buck me, but where is my calm… I'm just sitting here, but I want to scream, to kick something…. How, how is the sun so calm?'

It wasn't just the work... Something else...

It was controlling the flame...her Nirik...it was sometimes so tempting to just let go. To let the inferno consume all.
Why...Basil didn't know...it was just one of those days. The sun's calm was there. But not very effective against the surges of anxiety.

When, all of a sudden,

"Watchya looking at?!"

FOOOMPH !!!

The entire field poofed into flames, Basil smack dab in the middle.

The pink pony who had suddenly materialized before her just laughed and blew out a loose strand of mane which burned like a birthday candle.

Basil took a deep breath and extinguished herself, the wind shifted and the ring of flame around the pony and Kirin took care of itself, burning away into only cold soot relatively quickly.

"I…I’m"

'Compose yourself, Basil, come on, compose yourself. This is not the way to treat a stranger.

She tried to open her mouth to speak again but found herself caught off guard by the sheer speed of the pastel pink pony.

"I’m what? I'm Sleepy? I'm scratchy? I love these types of games...they can be such a fun challenge. Ooh, I know! Your foomphy! No, that couldn't be it, you're already foomphed, if you were going to foomph again I'm sure it would have already happened…unless you were to have a double foomph! or Celestia forbid a triple foomph…

I had a party cannon once that would triple foomph, I had to get rid of it though…. Celestia ruled a triple foomph to be too much firepower for one pony to handle. Pretty funny considering she handles the sun every day, but heyo. But anyways, what I'm you?

Ooooh! I know I'm hungry… or is it hangry. Come on, let's get something to eat.

With that, Basil found herself ripped from her seat and hauled away by the strange pink pony, who was still talking…but wait, what was that about the sun?

"I love a hay burger, but it's really early for a burger, isn't it? Perhaps they have some pastries or some cupcakes, I can always do cupcakes."

"Um"

"But do I really want to start my frosting intake so early? Rarity has been telling me to cut back a bit…and Rainbow thinks I could be a little bit more fit."

"Um…. what was that you said about the sun?"

"I've been trying to do more push-ups lately. I mean look, I'm already so strong. Can you do a triple backflip? Oh Celestia, she raises the sun every morning, it's a really neat thing to see, almost magical…speaking of magic, do you know where I could find some balloons around here? I have an idea for a beautiful prank.

"I won't do any pranks around here…. "

"Oh, it will be great! See, I'm going to fill every closet in the place with balloons, every, and then when everypony wants to retrieve something from their storage…"

"You're liable to piss some creature off."

'"Then when they open their doors

Bang!! All the balloons pop!

...

Oh…

...Oh, I hadn't thought about that…

I figure you have a point there…hmm now what do I do with my time instead. "

"Could you tell me a little about this sun pony?"

Breakfast actually turned out to be quite pleasant.

Although it wasn't her first choice, they ended up splitting a large apple crisp and oat platter, and it was exceedingly good…

The strange pink pony had excellent taste and she wasn't so bad once you got to know her.

Although initially she perhaps came across as an extra limb… just violently existing, violently herself…so ...so out there. To shy Basil at first, that sort of vibrant personality felt intoxicating…as if it might be impossible to be around… but there was more to pinky than that legitimately out of their presence…

She deeply cared for others…. despite her outward appearance, and her apparent thoughtlessness…she was surprisingly insightful. Somehow, she knew of Basil's dower state… but how?

Forever a mystery.

But seeing a pony in need, she was there for her.

Basil smiled, feeling a different flame roll up inside herself... a kind of flame, like that of a hearth fire.

Something Pinkie had said stuck in her mind.

She had said it was addressed to the readers, which was weird... But it went something like...

A verdant volcano or a vexing garden, wherever you find yourself, it's better with friends.

Although an odd way to put it, upon consideration Basil thought it to be an absolute truth...

Although quiet time was important for sure...it would have been a fiery mess had Pinky not shown up when she did.

Basil smiled; it was good to have a new friend.

Foomph!(Second Edit)

A verdant garden stretched out for acres and acres. The golden rays of sunlight reflected a cascade from every dew-riddled surface.

Basil Burst, the Kirin, set down her hoe, before she sat down basking against the rising sun, her silhouette a radiant dusk against the waking sky.

She felt a wave of cool calm wash over her.

How, she thought, how could something as radiant and fiery as the sun be so soothing, so at peace?

She cocked her head considering this.

'Buck me, Buck me, but where is my calm… I'm just sitting here, but I want to scream, to kick something…. How, how is the sun so calm?'

It wasn't just the work... Something else...

It was controlling the flame...her Nirik...it was sometimes so tempting to just let go. To let the inferno consume all.
Why...Basil didn't know...it was just one of those days. The sun's calm was there. But not very effective against the surges of anxiety.

When, all of a sudden,

"Watchya looking at?!"

FOOOMPH !!!

The entire field poofed into flames, Basil smack dab in the middle.

The pink pony who had suddenly materialized before her just laughed and blew out a loose strand of mane which burned like a birthday candle.

Basil took a deep breath and extinguished herself, the wind shifted and the ring of flame around the pony and Kirin took care of itself, burning away into only cold soot relatively quickly.

"I…I’m"

'Compose yourself, Basil, come on, compose yourself. This is not the way to treat a stranger.

She tried to open her mouth to speak again but found herself caught off guard by the sheer speed of the pastel pink pony.

"I’m what? I'm Sleepy? I'm scratchy? I love these types of games...they can be such a fun challenge. Ooh, I know! Your foomphy! No, that couldn't be it, you're already foomphed, if you were going to foomph again I'm sure it would have already happened…unless you were to have a double foomph! or Celestia forbid a triple foomph…

I had a party cannon once that would triple foomph, I had to get rid of it though….Celestia ruled a triple foomph to be too much firepower for one pony to handle. Pretty funny considering she handles the sun every day, but heyo. But anyways, what I'm you?

Ooooh! I know I'm hungry…or is it hangry. Come on, let's get something to eat.

With that, Basil found herself ripped from her seat and hauled away by the strange pink pony, who was still talking…but wait, what was that about the sun?

"I love a hay burger, but it's really early for a burger, isn't it? Perhaps they have some pastries or some cupcakes, I can always do cupcakes."

"Um"

"But do I really want to start my frosting intake so early? Rarity has been telling me to cut back a bit…and Rainbow thinks I could be a little bit more fit."

"Um….what was that you said about the sun?"

"I've been trying to do more push-ups lately. I mean look, I'm already so strong. Can you do a triple backflip? Oh Celestia, she raises the sun every morning, it's a really neat thing to see, almost magical…speaking of magic, do you know where I could find some balloons around here? I have an idea for a beautiful prank.

"I won't do any pranks around here…. "

"Oh, it will be great! See, I'm going to fill every closet in the place with balloons, every, and then when everypony wants to retrieve something from their storage…"

"You're liable to piss some creature off."

'"Then when they open their doors

Bang!! All the balloons pop!

...

Oh…

...Oh, I hadn't thought about that…

I figure you have a point there…hmm now what do I do with my time instead. "

"Could you tell me a little about this sun pony?"

Breakfast actually turned out to be quite pleasant.

Although it wasn't her first choice, they ended up splitting a large apple crisp and oat platter, and it was exceedingly good…

The strange pink pony had excellent taste and she

Wasn't so bad once you got to know her.

Although intely she perhaps came across as an extra limb…just violently existing, violently herself…so ...so out there. To shy Basil at first, that sort of vibrant personality felt intoxicating…as if it might be impossible to be around…but there was more to pinky than that legitimately out of their presence…

She deeply cared for others…. despite her outward appearance, and her apparent thoughtlessness…she was surprisingly insightful. Somehow she knew of Basil's dower state…but how?

Forever a mystery.

But seeing a pony in need, she was there for her.

Basil smiled, feeling a different flame roll up inside herself...a kind of flame, like that of a hearth fire.

Something Pinkie had said stuck in her mind.

She had said it was addressed to the readers, which was weird... But it went something like...

A verdant volcano or a vexing garden, wherever you find yourself, it's better with friends.

Although an odd way to put it, upon consideration Basil thought it to be an absolute truth...

Although quiet time was important for sure...it would have been a fiery mess had Pinky not shown up when she did.

Basil smiled, it was good to have a new friend.

Foomph!( First Edit)

Foomph
- by Scribblits Talo

“Make no mistake: The art of writing is in the rewriting”.-Dorothy Parker_The art of Writing

A verdant garden stretched out for acres and acres. The golden rays of sunlight reflected a cascade from every dew-riddled surface.

Basil Burst, the Kirin, set down her hoe, before she sat down basking against the rising sun, her silhouette a radiant dusk against the waking sky.

She felt a wave of cool calm wash over her.

How, she thought, how could something as radiant and fiery as the sun be so soothing, so at peace?

She cocked her head considering this.

'Buck me, Buck me, but where is my calm… I'm just sitting here, but I want to scream, to kick something…. How, how is the sun so calm?'

It wasn't just the work... Something else...

It was controlling the flame...her Nirik...it was sometimes so tempting to just let go. To let the inferno consume all.
Why...Basil didn't know...it was just one of those days. The sun's calm was there. But not very effective against the surges of anxiety.

When, all of a sudden,

"Watchya looking at?!"

FOOOMPH !!! The entire field poofed into flames, Basil smack dab in the middle.

The pink pony who had suddenly materialized before her just laughed and blew out a loose strand of mane which burned like a birthday candle.

Basil took a deep breath and extinguished herself, the wind shifted and the ring of flame around the pony and Kirin took care of itself, burning away into only cold soot relatively quickly.

"I…I’m"

'Compose yourself, Basil, come on, compose yourself. This is not the way to treat a stranger.

She tried to open her mouth to speak again but found herself caught off guard by the sheer speed of the pastel pink pony.

"I’m what? I'm Sleepy? I'm scratchy? I love these types of games...they can be such a fun challenge. Ooh, I know! Your foomphy! No, that couldn't be it, you're already foomphed, if you were going to foomph again I'm sure it would have already happened…unless you were to have a double foomph! or Celestia forbid a triple foomph…

I had a party cannon once that would triple foomph, I had to get rid of it though….Celestia ruled a triple foomph to be too much firepower for one pony to handle. Pretty funny considering she handles the sun every day, but heyo. But anyways, what I'm you?

Oooo! I know I'm hungry…or is it hangry. Come on, let's get something to eat.

With that, Basil found herself ripped from her seat and hauled away by the strange pink pony, who was still talking…but wait, what was that about the sun?

"I love a hay burger, but it's really early for a burger, isn't it? Perhaps they have some pastries or some cupcakes, I can always do cupcakes."

"Um"

"But do I really want to start my frosting intake so early? Rarity has been telling me to cut back a bit…and Rainbow thinks I could be a little bit more fit."

"Um….what was that you said about the sun?"

"I've been trying to do more push-ups lately. I mean look, I'm already so strong. Can you do a triple backflip? Oh Celestia, she raises the sun every morning, it's a really neat thing to see, almost magical…speaking of magic, do you know where I could find some balloons around here? I have an idea for a beautiful prank.

"I won't do any pranks around here…. "

"Oh, it will be great! See, I'm going to fill every closet in the place with balloons, every, and then when everypony wants to retrieve something from their storage…"

"You're liable to piss some creature off."

'"Then when they open their doors

Bang!! All the balloons pop!

Oh…

..Oh, I hadn't thought about that…

I figure you have a point there…hmm now what do I do with my time instead. "

"Could you tell me a little about this sun pony?"

Breakfast actually turned out to be quite pleasant.

Although it wasn't her first choice, they ended up splitting a large apple crisp and oat platter, and it was exceedingly good…

The strange pink pony had excellent taste and she

Wasn't so bad once you got to know her.

Although intely she perhaps came across as an extra limb…just violently existing, violently herself…so ...so out there. To shy Basil at first, that sort of vibrant personality felt intoxicating…as if it might be impossible to be around…but there was more to pinky than that legitimately out of their presence…

She deeply cared for others…. despite her outward appearance, and her apparent thoughtlessness…she was surprisingly insightful. Somehow she knew of Basil's dower state…but how?

Forever a mystery.

But seeing a pony in need, she was there for her.

Basil smiled, feeling a different flame roll up inside herself...a kind of flame, like that of a hearth fire.

Something Pinkie had said stuck in her mind.

She had said it was addressed to the readers, which was weird... But it went something like...

A verdant volcano or a vexing garden, wherever you find yourself, it's better with friends.

Although an odd way to put it, upon consideration Basil thought it to be an absolute truth...
Although quiet time was important for sure...it would have been a fiery mess had Pinky not shown up when she did.

Basil smiled, it was good to have a new friend.

Original Version

Author's Note

https://youtu.be/rT_S-ShiOtQ?si=MZ8QhIV4BFNZdMUO

Original Version

Foomph by Scribblits

A vibrant garden stretched out for acres and acres, the golden rays of sunlight reflected, a cascade from every due-riddled surface.

Basil Burst, the Kirin set down her hoe and herself sat down basking against the rising sun, her silhouette a radiant dusk against the waking sky.

She felt a wave of cool calm wash over her…

How, she thought, how could something as radiant and fiery as the sun be so soothing, so at peace?

She cocked her head considering this.

'Buck me, Buck me, but where is my calm… I'm just sitting here, but I want to scream, to kick something…. How, how is the sun so calm?'

It wasn't just the work... Something else...

It was controlling the flame...her Nirik...it was sometimes so tempting to just let go. To let the inferno consume all.
Why...Basil didn't know...it was just one of those days. The suns calm was there, but not very effective against the serges of anxiety.

When, all of a sudden,

"Watchya looking at?!"

FOOOMPH !!! The entire field poofed into flames, Basil smack dab in the middle.

The pink pony who had suddenly materialized before her just laughed and blew out a loose strand of mane which burned like a birthday candle.

Basil took a deep breath and extinguished herself, the wind shifted and the ring of flame around the pony and Krin took care of itself, burning away into only cold soot relatively quickly.

"I…Im"

'Compose yourself Basil, come on, compose yourself . This is not the way to treat a stranger'

She tried to open her mouth to speak again but found herself caught of guard by the sheer speed of the pastel pink pony.

"Im what? I'm Sleepy? I'm scratchy? I love these types of games...they can be such a fun challenge. Ooh I know! Your Foomphy! No, that couldn't be it, you're already Foomphed, if you were going to Foomph again I'm sure it would have already happened…unless you were to have a double foomph! or Celestia forbid a triple Foomph…

I had a party cannon once that would triple Foomph, had to get rid of it though….Celestia ruled a triple Foomph to be too much firepower for one pony to handle. Pretty funny considering she handles the sun every day, but heyo. But any what, what Im you?

Oooo! I know I'm hungry…or is it hangry. Come on, let's get something to eat.

With that, Basil found herself ripped from her seat and hauled away by the strange pink pony, who was still talking…but wait, what was that about the sun?

"I love a hay burger, but its really early for a burger isn't it? Perhaps they have some pastries, or some cupcakes, I can always do cupcakes."

"Um"

"But do I really want to start my frosting intake so early? Rarity has been telling me to cut back a bit…and Rainbow thinks I could be a little bit more fit."

"Um….what was that you said about the sun?"

"I've been trying to do more push ups lately. I mean look, I'm already so strong. Can you do a triple back flip? Oh Celestia, she raises the sun every morning, it's a really neat thing to see, almost magical…speaking of magic, do you know where I could find some bloons around here? I have an idea for a beautiful prank.

"I won't do any pranks around here…. "

"Oh it will be great! See, I'm going to fill every closet in the place with bloons, every , and then when everypony wants to retrieve something from their storage…"

"You're liable to piss some-creature off."

'"Then when they open there doors

Bang!! All the balloons pop!

Oh…

..Oh, I hadn't thought about that…

I figure you have a point there…hmm now what do I do with my time instead. "

"Could you tell me a little about this sun pony?"

Breakfast actually turned out to be quite pleasant .

Although it wasn't her first choice, they ended up splitting a large apple crisp and oat platter, and it was exceedingly good…

The strange pink pony had excellent taste and she

wasn't so bad once you got to know her.

Although intely she perhaps came across as an extra limb…just violently existing , violently herself…so ...so out there. To shy Basil at first, that sort of vibrant personality felt intoxicating…as if it might be impossible to be around…but there was more to pinky than that legitimately out their presence…

She deeply cared for others…. despite her outward appearance, her apparent thoughtfulness…she was surprisingly insightful. Somehow she knew of Basil's dower state…but how?

Forever a mystery.

But seeing a pony in need, she was there for her.

Basil smiled, feeling a different flame roll up inside hirself...a kind of flame, like that of a hearth fire.

Something pinkie had said stuck in her mind..

She had said it was addressed to the readers, which was weird... But it went something like...

A verdant volcano or a vexing garden, where ever you find yourself, its better with friends.

Although an odd way to put it, up on consideration Basil thought it to be an absolute truth...
Although quite time was important for sure...it would have been a fiery mess had Pinky not shown up when she did.

Basil smiled, it was good to have a new friend.

.

Judge notes and Letter

Hello Scribblits,

Thank you for participating in the 2023 Everfree Northwest Iron Author contest! This email contains your scores and any notes made by reviewers for your entry. But first, a quick reminder of the rules and judging methods.

We had 42 stories this go. Reviewers were assigned stories randomly and anonymously. They then scored the story in five categories, on a scale of zero to five in each, and optionally left notes. Each story was scored by three different reviewers, and the scores were then averaged. The top 8 stories were within 3.0 points of each other, so it was close! Judges then read these and three winners were selected.

The categories we judged on were:

Technical: This is basic grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.

Structure: This is the larger scale structure of your story. Typically that means "plot" but might also include things such as the clues and reveal in a mystery, or the setup of a shaggy dog joke.

Impact: Basically, how much impact the story had on the reader. If it was a sad story, how well did it trigger the feels. If it was a mystery, how clever was the reveal.

Theme: How well you implemented the given prompts/themes of this year's contest. The challenge this year was to use ALL three of the prompts. This year those were a Vexing Volcanism, Verdant Vegetable, and Vibrant Vestigial.

Misc: Pretty much "reviewer's choice" and provides a place for extra credit if something stood out that wasn't covered by the other categories. For example, bonusing a story for a very challening choice of format.

In summary, you can have anything from 0 to 5 in each category, with a total possible range between 0 and 25. Actual scores in this contest ranged from 10.0 to 23.67 (including many ties.)

Below, you will find your average scores in each category (and your final/total score), as well as three individual reviews. Each individual review is from a single reviewer, and represents the exact score they gave, along with any notes they provided. Some notes may be signed, while others may be anonymous. It was up to the individual reviewer if they wished to sign their reviews.

At the end of this message, the full text of your story is included. It is in raw format, which includes any BBCode you may have used, making it suitable to paste directly into FimFiction if you desire to publish your story.

One last note: The Iron Author website and public story list ( http://ironauthor.xepher.net ) will remain online until (at least) the end of the year, but may be taken down after that. If you wish to read the stories of your fellow contestants, please do so before then.

If you have any further questions or problems, feel free to contact me. I'm Xepher on FimFiction.net, or you can email xepher@xepher.net

Thanks again for participating in this year's contest, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as we all did!

--Xepher

Username: Scribblits

Story Title: Foomph

Averaged Scores

Technical: 3.00

Structure: 3.00

Impact: 3.67

Theme: 3.00

Misc: 2.33

Final Score: 15.00

Review 1

Technical: 4

Structure: 3

Impact: 4

Theme: 3

Misc: 3

Total: 17

Notes: Some punctuation and word errors stood out.
I'm not really sure this is a story. It feels more like an event where at the end there's a change. I need more arc for this to really hit.
I liked the use of a Nirik. Pinkie Pie was random and I wanted her to be organized randomness than random randomness because when randomness is squared its square and that's boring. You get what I mean.
The themes were mostly present. Can't recall where vestigial was used. Nirik as a volcano was cool. Would have liked to see you lean more on that.
Over all, I think this needs significant polish. Why is this Nirik doing / thinking these things? Why do they matter? Why should I care about Basil. You have a gold nugget of an idea but you're going to need more work to extract it.

Review 2

Technical: 3

Structure: 3

Impact: 4

Theme: 4

Misc: 3

Total: 17

Notes: Cute little slice of life,

a few things.
1)It would flow a bit better if we were introduced to Basil and what she did a bit more in depth.
2)WHY is pink ponk pony there? what brought her to Kirin lands?

Review 3

Technical: 2

Structure: 3

Impact: 3

Theme: 2

Misc: 1

Total: 11

Notes: Good glimmers of introspection in the main character, but the prompt elements aren't used very effectively and the problem/conflict of the story seems only nebulously defined.

A copy of your story is included below, including any BBCode you used, so it can be easily pasted into FimFiction.