inconsequential

My name...

Well, I don’t really have a name. Just a code, like many else. My code is SE2E2M20S45NO8. I believe it stands for season 2 episode 2 20 minutes 45 seconds, 8th background pony. I have a blue mane and yellow coat. NO36 looks exactly similar to me. In fact, neither of us have cutie marks, either. I can only assume that the similarity is coincidental.

I don’t have a life. We background ponies simply appear when we are needed. We are a string of code. No more, no less.

I was “born” due to the lack of the crowd in Princess Celestia’s speech. The first thing I saw were doors opening, and the 6 friends walking in. I tried to turn away my head, to observe this world that I was seeing for the first time.

Something was preventing me.

The system. It told me that it would be “inappropriate” if an audience looked away. My sole existing purpose was to make sure the speech went smoothly.

I give in. I smiled, and waved my hoof, staring at Twilight the entire time. At least I could observe her. I saw she had a purple coat and mane. The mane was darker, with a light streak running through it, which was a rarity for most ponies. I tried to feel surprised. I didn’t. I already knew that. Or rather, my character was supposed to know that. She, or perhaps I, lived in Ponyville, after all.

The lack of surprise bothered me, but it didn’t matter. I decided to try feeling something else. I remembered what was happening. Apparently, Twilight and her friends had defeated discord.

I should be happy. We were safe. The town was safe. And yet, it was...inconsequential to me. It did not matter that the town was safe, because I was not supposed to be staying here. I was a one-time background pony. I wouldn’t be living here.

I was feeling a little weird now. I had tried to sense 2 feelings and none worked. I focused on joy again. After all, my character was supposed to feel joy, here and now, and I knew joy. At least, I knew the symptoms of joy. Waving hoofs, and smiling mouth.

Discord was gone. Yes, that was certainly something to be happy about. I focused on the fact that the rampaging monster was gone, sealed into stone, and we would probably be enjoying a party later.

Of course, I would not be participating... No. I pulled my mind away from that thought, and tried to see if I could sense anything that resemble the cold, hard, flavourless joy that the system was pumping into me.

Nothing.

NO. Twilight was already half the way to Celestia, and once Celestia finished her speech I would cease to exist. I knew that would happen. It was inevitable. And yet, almost greedily so, I wanted to be able to feel something, in my short lifespan. I tried to find an ounce or a shred of genuine emotion in my waving hoof and smiling face. When there was still nothing, I tried turning the nothingness into desperation.

Still, nothing.

And then, the truth hit me. Not nice, not bad, just a truth. Cold and hard, like most truths are.

I couldn’t have emotions, no matter how hard I tried. We background ponies are supposed to abide by 2 rules. Keep things running smoothly, and don’t waste resources. If we had emotions, we would act to those emotions. That would mean wasting resources that could have been used on the main characters. We could think, but we could not feel.

But why could we think? Well, everyone can think. In fact, “not thinking” would mean controlling our line of thought, which took much more resources than allowing us to think.

And yet, I would rather they didn’t allow us to think. I would be completely unaware of the pain of being emotionless. I would simply feel joy. Pure, blissful joy at the fact that Discord was gone, and that we were probably going to another one of Pinkie’s parties.

It was like torture, and yet, I could not be sad. No, that was a feeling. I couldn’t even pity myself, since that was also close to an emotion. All I could do was continue to smile and wave at Twilight and her friends, while my brain was buzzing, emotionless.

And yet another cold hard truth? I didn’t really have a brain. I could think, but I didn’t have a brain. I was simply...two colours, blue and yellow, one shape, two eyes, one smiling mouth, and a hoof that was programmed to wave around every 2 seconds.

And the worst part? I was smiling and waving this entire time.

Twilight and her friends were almost to Celestia. Okay, my life was half over. But I wasn’t forlorn(that’s an emotion), I was simply...frustrated. I was surprised, but in a good way. Shouldn’t frustration be an emotion? No. I answered my own question. I could not feel emotions. I already agreed on that. Therefore, I was not frustrated. Rather, my train of thinking was stumped. I was not happy or sad about that, it was just a fact. A fact that I wanted to hate, but I couldn’t. because hate was an emotion, too.

Celestia started giving her speech. Okay, 20 seconds more to live. I let go of trying to have feelings. I had 20 seconds more in which I could think any thing I wanted. I reflected on my life. It wasn’t a very long life. It wasn’t even a very remarkable life. I was born, and then I observed princess Twilight. Then, I tried to feel surprised at her mane. I failed. I then tried feeling other emotions. That failed too. I got stumped, and then I arrived here. No, definitely not a remarkable life. Still, it was my life. Or was it?

Did I really have life? Can a string of code ever even hope to have any thing close to life? Can I really have life if I can’t have emotions?

Celestia had finished her speech, and pulled open the curtains, revealing the glass window. Ten, nine, eight...The cheering came to a momentum. Seven, six, five, four... Admits the cheering, I looked at Twilight’s mane. The first thing I ever saw. Three, two, one...

Darkness. I could clearly remember the last thing I ever saw. The light purple streak in Twilight’s mane. I felt... resentment. If it wasn’t for that streak, I wouldn’t have spent so much time thinking about emotions... Wait, resentment? I felt resentment! I had feelings!

In the last few seconds of my life, resentment turned into joy, which turned into two tears that slid down my cheek. I had done it.

As my sense of life faded, I saw a few white words on the backdrop of darkness. I couldn’t see them clearly through the haze that was starting to cloud my mind, and definitely not through the tears, but to me they were one word, being repeated over and over again:

Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy...