Squatter? I hardly know her!
“Fluttershy, why is an elderly stallion trying to break into your cottage?”
It wasn’t the type of question Twilight ever wanted to ask, but when your delightful afternoon teatime was disrupted by an apparent attempt at home invasion one had to ask difficult questions.
Fluttershy wasn’t in the best position to answer, given that she was trying to blockade one of her windows with a bookcase, but she managed to sputter out, “O-oh…that’s the owner.”
Twilight looked at her friend very closely. “The owner of what?”
“Of this um cottage.”
“Aren’t you the owner of this cottage?”
Fluttershy shrunk as she demurely answered, “Not…exactly.”
“What the hay do you mean by ‘not exactly’!”
8 years earlier
“Fluttershy, you really should consider staying in Ponyville,” Applejack insisted as she emptied the picnic basket.
“Oh um, maybe,” Fluttershy mumbled.
Everything in Ponyville was new to her, but she already felt more at home with the locals than she ever did in Cloudsdale. Most importantly, she had already bonded with many of the animals in the area.
“Absolutely!” Pinkie chirped, “Then we can go on more nature walks and meet more cute critters!”
“T-that does sound lovely.”
Fluttershy fed a few nearby squirrels and surveyed the area. The weather was perfect, and the surrounding meadow was sublime. She could see a quaint little cottage sitting atop a nearby hill.
She looked at Applejack with concern. “Will the pony living there be upset that we’re picnicking so close?”
“Who, Mr. Valor? Eenope! He went on a trip years ago and never returned,” Applejack explained.
“Yep! He’s the only resident of Ponyville I haven’t met!” Pinkie added between bites of her sandwich.
The three stared at the abandoned cottage, it was secluded from town but not too close to the Everfree. Fluttershy couldn’t help but mourn its lost potential.
It was then that she had a brilliant idea.
“That’s ridiculous! Do you know what this makes you? A squatter,” Twilight spat derisively.
“A squatter?” Pinkie mused, having materialized in the room. “I always thought of Fluttershy as more of a stander or maybe a cower-er. Can ponies even squat?”
“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted. “Why are you here?”
Pinkie smiled innocently. “I’m delivering invitations for Valor’s welcome home party! Speaking of which!”
Pinkie hoofed over two blue envelopes to Fluttershy and Twilight.
“Now, to deliver an invite to Val himself,” she announced, pulling out the final invite and reading it over. “Ohmygosh! Fluttershy, did you know you and Valor have the same address!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and tried reasoning with Fluttershy. “You can’t just take somepony else's home. I'm sure our other friends would agr-”
“Listen,” argued a familiar raspy voice outside, “I know you might feel entitled to your home, but it's been like a billion years. MOVE ON!”
Twilight rushed to the one non-barricaded window, trying to see the commotion. She wasn’t all too surprised to see Rainbow Dash confronting Valor.
The unicorn stood his ground. “This is my home. After a decade of welding horseshoes for orphans, developing a treatment for heaves, and serving in the royal guard, I just want to rest in my own bed.”
“Well, too bad! You should have claimed it sooner,” Applejack admonished, trotting up to join Rainbow’s side.
“Hooray! Applejack and Dashie got my invites,” Pinkie cheered, before pulling out a locket with Rarity’s face in it. “If only Rarity wasn’t away on business, she adores arguing about this stuff.”
Twilight was appalled. “Pinkie, be serious! Our friends are verbally accosting a veteran.”
“I know! Rarity is going to be so disappointed she missed this.”
Twilight groaned before teleporting outside.
“Are you girls insane? How can you defend squatting?”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash fussed. “Squatting is cool. I’d be a squatter if I didn’t have a stupid trust fund.”
Applejack stomped her hoof. “And it’s a right, Twilight. Squatting is a longstanding Ponyville tradition.”
“Longstanding? I’ve never seen anypony squatting in town.”
“Ah fooey!” Applejack hollered. “You know plenty of squatters! How else do you think Pinkie came to live with the Cakes or how Rarity got the Boutique.”
“I had assumed through honest means! How did they even get squatter’s rights?”
“It ain’t hard, it only takes about 17 days.”
“17 days!”
“Eeyup! Ponyville has the highest mortality rate in Equestria, we gotta keep the population up somehow. So, my family introduced squatting to town.”
“Well, the rate is approaching single digits now, and squatters are thieves!”
Applejack scoffed. “Watch your tone when you say ‘squatter.’ You’re acting real high and mighty despite being one yourself.”
“What! I’m not…oh no,” Twilight paused with a horrified expression, “did I squat in Golden Oaks?”
“Eeyup! Creased Page had left to take care of her sick mother. We went ahead and sent her a letter telling her not to come back after her 17 days were up.”
“Oh my Celestia,” Twilight whimpered, recalling how well-furnished it was when she arrived.
It felt like the ground beneath Twilight gave way as her argument turned to ash. What was worse, a squatter or a hypocrite?
“I’m so sorry, sir,” Twilight offered sincerely.
The elder shook his head. “It’s okay,” he wiped a tear from his eye, “a mare and her three foals used to live in this cottage before I squatted in it. I served in the royal guard to preserve the right to squat.”
“You’re joking,” Twilight drawled in defeat.
“Told you,” Applejack muttered.
Rainbow Dash spoke as she saluted, “Thank you for your service.”
Valor saluted back. “No, thank you all for keeping the spirit of squatting alive. You girls are alright.”
“Yippee!” Pinkie cheered, pulling everypony into a crushing hug. “Looks like the squatters were the friends we made all along the way.”
“So, does this um mean I can stay or…” Fluttershy asked, unsure if this was the right time.
“It’s yours,” Valor conceded. “Guess I gotta find a new place to squat in.”
“I mean, Rarity did say she’d be gone for three weeks,” Pinkie suggested, gleefully.
Author's Note
I can forgive stealing houses, but I draw the line at hypocrisy
