Rated TV-WHY

At long last, home! They say it’s where the heart is, but more importantly, it’s where work isn’t. For a hot minute, you started to believe that Friday evening was just the stuff of legends, but lo and behold, you actually managed to power through a week’s worth of relentless bullcrap!

The cruel and unforgiving world of retail has been merciless ever since Monday showed its ugly face. Selling mattresses and mattress accessories seemed like a chill way to fatten your bank account while lazing around, yet customers decided that mid-June was the week to upgrade their queens to kings. They kept pouring in, and in, and in! Never to stop! Add in the canicule, and you’ve lost at least five pounds worth of sweat.

Which is why the first order of business was to beeline straight to the fridge; hydration was in order. Skimming through the scarcely loaded tablets, one item stood out: A full case of 24, acquired from a dinky corner store for half the price. You bought it for that Mario Kart tournament you held last week-end, yet not a single soul made a dent in it.

Hey, why not, right? It was hot, it was Friday: Beer was practically begging to be drunk!

And so, without second guessing yourself any longer, you uncapped a cold one and sank into that depilated beanbag you used as a makeshift couch. Taking your first sip felt like a shot of morphine; you needed this.

It also made you reminisce about your last social gathering. More specifically, about that awkward friend of a friend who started yapping something about ponies. He came in, sporting a shirt depicting a blue flying horse with a Skittles® hairdo. You initially thought it was some kind of meta humour thingamajig, but nope, that duderino was indeed what the internet coined as a “brony.”

Now. You weren’t a judgemental person. In fact, you were pretty dang open minded. And mayhaps a bit curious too. Thus, dual wielding beer and remote, you turned on the TV, your laptop hooked to the HDMI cable. Browsing a couple of free streaming websites, you wound up finding one that offered My Little Pony’s fourth generation in its entirety. It was right there on your screen, ripe to be viewed.

Gotta see what the craze was all about, right? Discovering a new show was worth your time, even if you didn’t end up liking it. You just had to see what would drive a grown-ass man to buy apparels of technicolor horses.

The first few episodes went without a hitch. At first, you weren’t too drawn in, but as you stacked up a bunch of empty bottles by your side, your smile kept growing. You couldn’t help it.

It was the pink one. You found her goofy shenanigans pretty funny. Her positive attitude was a balm, especially in a world where everyone was getting so dang cynical.

“You like me, huh, don’tcha?” she said behind the screen, front facing the camera. “I knew I was your favorite!” she then giggled in her fetlock.

… Bit of a non-sequitur with the scene unfolding, but sure, whatever. She was always a smidge unpredictable, so breaking from her group of friends to pull something wacky wasn’t entirely unexpected.

Made you take another sip, just because you could.

“Whatchu drinkin’ there?” added Pinkie Pie, still weirdly staring at the viewer. “Oh, oh! Is that chocolate milk? I bet it is!”

You replied nothing, because talking back at televisions was the definition of insanity. Instead, you just kept chugging, curious as to what the writers were thinking when they cobbled up that episode.

“Well, aren’t ya gonna say anything, you big mute? Ya gotta tell me what’s in that bottle!” insisted the cartoon character.

“It’s poison,” you sassed by reflex, with a chuckle of delusion to tie it all in.

Pinkie Pie scrunched up her nose. “Ewww! You can’t drink poison, silly! At least, not without a bit of sugar!”

When she pulled out a bag out of her mane, you bounced up in a jiffy, knocking the deceased bottles all across the living room floor. What the hell was going on!? Did she just-? But that was impossible, wasn’t it?

“What the fuck?” was your well-placed response.

“Rooooh! That’s a meanie mean word! Don’t make me put soap on your mouth! Although, that would surely wash the poison away, mmmhh…” she mused, shaking a soap dispenser also retrieved from her cotton candy hair.

Yeah, haha, no. You weren’t dealing with whatever the heck was happening tonight. With a tactical grab of the mouse, you swiftly paused the video. The current frame promptly froze, saving you from-

“You should put back your trousers,” giggled an impossibly mobile Pinkie Pie. “That’s not a good dress code in front of a lady!”

You looked down at your underpants, then back to Pinkie grinning.

“Gah!”

Your next big idea was to close the streaming window. This would’ve been all well and good, if Pinkie didn’t magically escape on your desktop, looking dumbfoundedly at the icons and folders scattered throughout.

“Ooooh, look at all this stuff! Are these books? They all look the same! Why’s that one named ‘Stash?’”

“DON’T TOUCH! It’s my personal, err...”

Yeah, good thing you didn’t finish that sentence. In fact, why were you even conversing with this... unholy apparition? Time to take drastic actions. You held the power button of your laptop for a few seconds, until the screen turned black. Surely this whole malarkey was done and over with now?

“Awww, you made it boring now!” pouted Pinkie on the empty background, falling onto her haunches.

You brought a hand to your forehead, at your wits’ end. As Pinkie Pie kept begging for your attention, a bottle rolled by your feet. In a fit of desperation, you decided to grab it, tossing a quick glance at the expiration date for the heck of it.

2014.

Huh. Maybe you did drink poison after all.