"That's not even our FRANCHISE!!"
Chief Manager Spitfire carefully made her way through the rubble and carnage surrounding the still mostly intact building that was the Taco Bucket, Home of the Best Tacos North of the Border!®, and paused to take in the wreckage. As far as she could see, only one window was broken, but off in the distance, she could still hear explosions, gunfire, the rumble of tanks and armored troops approaching, as well as the screams of ponies running for their lives. She could see a car had been rammed into the side of the building, with its license plates removed, so she took a moment to inspect it. As it was a convertible, there was no need to open any doors to look inside, and she could clearly tell, from looking at the steering column, that the vehicle had been hot-wired. So...obviously, it had been stolen. She shook her head and turned back to the entrance.
Before she could open the doors, an extremely disgruntled-looking purple Alicorn stumbled out with a bag of tacos in one hoof and what looked like a serious bite mark on one wing. The Alicorn glared at Spitfire and then, without saying a word, simply 'ported herself away and was gone. Spitfire closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then opened them and entered the building.
The smell of a grease fire immediately assaulted her nose. She was relieved to see a few employees desperately fighting to put out the flames and had time to wonder to herself why the Ponyville Fire Department hadn't been called when her attention was suddenly drawn to boisterous laughter coming from somewhere to her left. She walked over to the counter and peered over it, dreading what she might see.
It was worse than she'd imagined.
Three fillies, none of them old enough to have their cutie marks, were giggling and passing a jug of what smelled like hard cider between them. As she stared, she noticed several other empty jugs scattered on the floor around them, and the three girls could barely sit up, let alone stand, as they were all clearly drunk! Even though she knew it to be pointless, she came around the corner and grabbed the jug out of the little redhead's hoof, just as she was tossing it back for another glug. "Hey! Thash's MINE! Give it back, you—"
What followed was a stream of invective SO vile it was deemed inappropriate to be included in this account, so the reader will have to use their imagination.
"...and your MOTHER a'sh well! >hic!< " the filly finished. The nostrils of Spitfire's nose curled from the force of the cursing, but she turned her back and left as an empty jug crashed on the wall next to her head. She took a moment to look back over her shoulder, only to see the fillies had opened another jug and were gleefully chugging from it.
As she walked past the kitchen on her way to her office, she heard loud chanting and looked to her right to see three ponies clad in priestly garments. They were all holding religious artifacts over their heads and screaming, "Begone, foul demon! Back to the depths of Tartarus from which thy came!" at an eerie, firey figure seeping out of the floor from the middle of a crudely-drawn pentagram. Muttering to herself, "This is seriously not my problem..." she finally closed the distance and entered her office.
Only to stop once again and stare.
Sitting in the chair in front of her desk was a blue unicorn. Wearing an embarrassingly fake Princess Celestia mask, as well as cardboard wings. Spitfire walked slowly around her, pulled out her chair, then sat down. They both took a moment to stare at each other, Spitfire through her glasses and the unicorn through the eyeholes of her mask. Spitfire sighed.
"Would you do me the kindness of removing your..."disguise?" as she lifted her hooves to make the 'air quotes.' "Only a complete idiot would be fooled by—" she was interrupted by one of the new trainees rushing in, the one with the multi-colored mane.
"Miss Spitfire! I was sent to tell you..." She froze as she spotted the blue unicorn, and her eyes grew wide. "OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh! Princess Celestia!" The trainee went down to her knees. "What an honor! A privilege!" She grabbed one of her hooves and began showering it with sloppy kisses.
"Miss Dash..."
">smack!< Such an honor! >smack!< >smack!<"
"MISS DASH!!" Spitfire had gotten to her hooves and was leaning over her desk. "That will be quite enough! What were you sent in here to tell me?!"
smack!< Getting to her hooves with one more bow, she came around the desk and hoofed a folder to her Boss and then whispered in her ear. Spitfire scowled as she listened, then said, "Thank you, that will be all." Giving a final bow to "Her Highness," the trainee left the two alone. Spitfire frowned again. "The disguise?" The unicorn's horn glowed, and the mask disappeared. Spitfire sighed. "AND the wings..." The horn glowed once more. "Thank you." She glared at the glass of water on her desk, then opened the folder. After reading for a few minutes, she turned to glance at the clock behind her, back at the folder, and then over her glasses at the unicorn.
"Well! Miss...Lulamoon, is it? It seems you have had quite a memorable first day with us. According to your file, in the very short time that you've been with us here at Taco Bucket, you have:
(1) "Broken a window."
(2) "Bitten a customer."
(3) "Started a grease fire."
(4) "Stolen a car."
(5) "Sold alcohol to minors. (Thank you for that, by the way...I learned some curse words I never knew existed.)"
(6) "Somehow managed to involve Equestria in a war."
(7) "Impersonated a Public Official."
(8) "Summoned a Demon."
(9) "Poisoned a water supply?!" (At this, she took a pencil from her desk, nudged the glass over to the edge, and tipped it off into a waste basket. She then cleared her throat and kept reading.)
(10) "Stolen..." She had to read this part over..."The Infinity Gauntlet?!" She slammed the folder down on her desk.
"That's not even our franchise!!"
She cleared her throat and kept reading. "And last, it says you:"
(11) "Ate all the butter?" Spitfire heard paper being crinkled, and looked up just in time to see a stick of butter being sloooowly sucked into the unicorn's mouth. As she stared in disbelief, the unicorn quickly licked the residue off her top lip. She looked back at the folder. "And after all of that, it says here you want," she squinted to make out Trixie's horn writing (in crayon) "Moe big cash monies..." Spitfire set the folder down and sat back.
"Miss Trixie. What in the wide world of Equestria makes you think we would EVER give you a raise after all that you—" she was stopped by a briefcase being suddenly flung onto her desk and popped open. Inside were dozens and dozens of incriminating photographs that made the manager's eyes go wide, then her face blush, and then one eye began to twitch involuntarily. With her eye still twitching, she slowly reached out, closed the briefcase, and then extended a hoof to the new Regional Manager.
Author's Note
Here's the video, for those unfamiliar:
