A rooster one day...

by TheInfamousFly

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Drama, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life
Length: 1007

Apple Bloom asks the question we're all thinking.

A ruthless parody of InsertAuthorHere's wonderfully sincere "Applejack, Are We Poor?".

My entry for the Comedy category of the A Thousand Words Contest III (2024 Jun 09 - Jul 14).

Published 2024-07-14 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-14 05:00:01 UTC

...and a feather duster the next

"Applejack, are we poor?"

Applejack, who’d just started on digging a new well, was so flabbergasted by the question that she struck her chin with the handle of the shovel. Scowling in the direction of her little sister, she rubbed her chin ruefully.

“What in tarnation are ya talkin’ about?”

Apple Bloom bit her lip. “It’s just, Miss Cherilee was teachin’ us all about economics today and she was talkin’ all about the difference between luxuries and necessities...”

“That right?” Applejack made a mental note to send the bill to Cherilee for her dentistry, as she checked her teeth for cracks with her tongue.

“Yeah, and she said that the thing that makes a pony poor is when they can’t afford the necessities...”

Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Is this about the outhouse again?”

Apple Bloom blushed. “Well, Miss Cherilee did list plumbing as a necessity…”

Applejack laughed. “Ponies get softer every year. You think there was any plumbin’ in this town when your great-grandpappy founded it? The only reason Miss Cherilee has a workin’ toilet to begin with is because of sacrifices made on this here farm!”

“But Applejack…” Apple Bloom whined. “The outhouse smells…besides…everyone at school makes fun of us for havin’ it.”

Applejack smirked. “Oh, really? Somepony made fun of you? Well, why didn’t you just say so? I'll just call Pipe Jockey and tell him to run the plumbing all the way from town to here. It should only cost about twenty-thousand bits!”

Seeing Apple Bloom’s expression, Applejack softened.

“Apple Bloom, look around ya’.”

Reluctantly, Apple Bloom glanced at the surrounding orchards.

“We grow the best apples anywhere. The biggest eggs and the sweetest corn. And we work hard for it, every day. So, if anypony makes fun of you for how ya live, you remind them that you live on the best farm in Equestria, alright?”

Apple Bloom didn’t look convinced, but Applejack had already returned to digging.

“But…if we ain’t poor, why is everythin’ on the farm so old?” Apple Bloom asked.

Applejack paused and sighed. “What are ya on about this time?”

“Well, remember when you went to Canterlot to sell pastries so we could get a new plow?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“And what about the time you had to ask Rainbow to take down the old barn cause we couldn’t afford a professional demolition?”

Applejack put a hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “Now you listen here, there ain’t no shame in savin’ the bits ya can, alright? In fact, it’s a lot less shameless than spendin’ ‘em willy-nilly when there’s folks out there who could use ‘em better.”

Apple Bloom considered this for a moment, then her eyes lit up. “Oh, I get it!”

Applejack smiled and turned back to her work. “Good.”

“So, we ain’t poor. We’re just cheap!” Apple Bloom realized with a grin.

Applejack threw her shovel down. “That's it! I’ve had just about enough of this! Ya wanna know the reason why we ain’t swimmin' in bits so badly?”

Apple Bloom shrunk visibly, afraid of what she’d unleashed.

“Do you know how much we could make off this town if we wanted?” Applejack asked.

Apple Bloom shook her head.

“We make their breakfast, lunch, supper and dessert! We make their dairy. With no dairy there's no pastries, with no pastries there's no bakeries! Every restaurant, every grocer, every business would shrivel and DIE if it wasn’t for us!”

“So then why are we-?” Apple Bloom began.

“Because we don’t BLEED 'em like we could!” Applejack sneered. “We’ve got no competition Apple Bloom! We could triple our prices and all those ponies who look down on us would have no choice but to swallow their pride and open their purses! We could hire farmhoofs and never work another day in our lives if we wanted to!”

“Then why don’t we!” Apple Bloom asked, disturbed by the severity of her sister’s rant. “If we could make more bits then we do, why do we live in a barn? Why do the four of us have to work the farm all by ourselves?” She paused and looked away. “Why do we have to use an outhouse?”

Applejack smiled. “Because it’s harder. And because it's the right thing to do. Remember how many ponies lined up for cider last autumn?”

Apple Bloom nodded, slowly.

“And do you remember how much we charged for a cup?”

Apple Bloom thought hard. “A couple bits, right?”

“That’s right. We charge what ponies can pay, and what we know our products are worth…we work the farm ourselves because only we can guarantee quality and we don’t put on airs about who we are, and we don’t pretend to deserve conveniences we don’t need.”

Apple Bloom stared at the ground for a long moment and felt the farm beneath her hooves.

“I think I understand.” She finally said.

Applejack beamed. “I knew you would.” She turned back to her work and sunk the spade into the soil.

“Applejack, can I ask you something else?”

“Sure thing, pumpkin.”

“Why do we have pigs?”

Applejack glared into the chasm of her sister's soul. “Apple Bloom, go do your chores.”

Applejack waited until Apple Bloom was out of sight to sigh with relief. Then she picked up her shovel with both hooves and drove it into the ground, almost falling over as the blade struck something hard and scraped off it.

"Confound it!" Applejack cried. Then she turned and bellowed out. "BIG MAC! I need yer help again!"

A moment later the stallion was there, staring over her shoulder at what she'd uncovered.

"I'm real sorry about this." Applejack said, shaking her head. "I just can't get my magic workin' right...instead of water, I keep finding these!"

"Don't worry." Big Mac reassured. "I'll bury it with the rest."

As he hauled away the worthless diamonds, Applejack just shook her head. Sometimes she thought Celestia had played a prank on her family when she gave them this land.