The ship’s name was the Obvious, and Ishmayhab was its captain.
“Charter ye need?” said Ishmayhab. “A princess on me humble dinghy?”
Humble, the Obvious was not. The beast was more gold than wood, and a jolly roger fluttered in place of the Sun and Moon Standard. Still, a boat was a boat. “The honor would be all mine,” Twilight Sparkle replied diplomatically.
“Ayy, charter can be brokered. For a price.”
Twilight gauged the weight of her purse. Solving that friendship problem had eaten through most of her stipend. Tortoisetooga was the emerald of the Ponycific, but the turtles inhabiting the island were more apt to swim than sail. Boats were rare. She might not get another opportunity this week.
“Would 300 bits suffice?”
“Bits?” Ishmayhab scoffed. “Imperialist currency gets no quarter in this captain’s purse. Bucks only.”
“Bucks?” Twilight asked. Ishmayhab produced a coin chunkier than a bit and stamped with a monkey’s paw. “What’s the exchange rate?”
“Shifts with the tides.” Ishmayhab pointed a hooked hoof to a building by the docks. Atop its roof stood a massive blackboard. Several turtles attended it with chalk and sponge while others eyed the bay through spyglasses. Twilight followed their gaze to an exposed wreck, where several turtle kids were plucking a treasure chest from a wreck. A large wave rolled over the wreck, forcing the kids to abandon their haul. The turtles atop the exchange center scrambled to update their numbers accordingly.
“Would six hundred bucks be agreeable?”
“I suppose. But how—”
Twilight lit up her horn. The bits in her purse glowed through the cloth. When the light subsided, Twilight poured out a pile of freshly-minted monkey paw bucks.
“It can’t be...” Ishmayhab grabbed a buck from the pile and bit down on it. “The ratio of impurities to fool’s gold... it’s perfectly balanced.”
“Bet you’re happy I’m a better alchemist than I am an economist.” Twilight flicked her tail. “Don’t tell anypony I did that by the way, or we’ll both go to jail for thirty years.”
Ishmayhab’s eyes lit up. “Keep yer bits. I have a new proposition. Alchemize all the barnacles under the keel of me ship to gold, and I’ll accept ye charter.”
“Are there more than six hundred barnacles under your boat?”
“I never learned how to count.”
“Then the answer is no.”
Instead of attempting negotiations, Ishmayhab drew his sword. “If ye be unwilling to aid me in acquiring booty the traditional exploitative way, you can help me another way. Into the brig!”
The brig, to Twilight’s horror, was already full to bursting. Hundreds of ponies of every race were shackled to the floor with only spartan mats and non-ceremonial-grade tea for comfort.
“What kind of sick operation is this?” she asked as Ishmayhab attached her shackles to the floor.
“These be the meanest rogues in all of Tortoisetooga. The princess herself has set their bounty at one buck per ear. One more will be a statistically insignificant but personally satisfying boon to my bottom line.”
“I’m no rogue!” The magic suppressor on Twilight’s horn buzzed as a dozen liberation spells fizzled in her mind’s eye. “This is ethically unscrupulous!” She turned to the prisoners, interrupting their amiable conversation. “Unscrupulous!”
“Uh,” one of the prisoners replied. “Unscrew-what? Just relax. They pad the chains.”
“I think they’re gonna serve lunch soon!” said another prisoner.
“Did they say what it would be?”
“Gruel, I think.”
The prisoners nodded their heads in approval.
The port of Canterlot was located 4,000 miles and most of a continent away from its namesake city, and was connected only by a strong culinary heritage and a big portal.
Twilight and the prisoners were marched through the portal right into the throne room of Princess Celestia herself. Celestia sat on her throne, trying her best not to laugh.
“Your majesty,” Ishmayhab said, bowing deeply, “these be the scoundrels you asked for. 250 exactly.”
“Thank you for your diligent work, captain. I will ensure these vile scoundrels are all hanged.”
“Hanged?!” Twilight gasped.
Princess Celestia’s lip twitched. “Oh, hello Twilight. I didn’t know you were degenerate pirate scum.”
“I’m—I am not. I was on official business in Tortoisetooga and tried to charter a boat back to Equestria, and this so-called captain took me prisoner!”
“Hey, come on,” one of the prisoners said, “you’re spoiling the immersion.”
“Immersion? We’re on trial for our lives!”
“Enough,” said Celestia. “Take them to the execution chambers. All except the purple one. I’ll deal with her personally.”
When the others had been led out, Twilight said, “You can’t do this. Even if they are rogues. This is wrong.”
Celestia could no longer keep the smile off her face. “Captain Ishmayhab seems to have kept some details of the cruise from you.”
“Yarr,” said Ishmayhab, blushing. “I couldn’t break character, your majesty.” To Twilight, he said, “There be no real hangings. They drop into a gift shop. It’s part of the experience. A themed pirate-lovers cruise. There be branded experiences on the island, customizable sabers and costumes, dinner shows—it be Tortoisetooga’s tourism board’s answer to Doesneyland.”
“And... you went along with this?” Twilight asked Celestia.
“The deal is lucrative for both nations. Diversified revenue streams. Tortoisetooga isn't the only one competing against Doesneyland for tourists, Twilight.” Celestia turned to Ishmayhab. “No doubt you’ll be eager to receive your personal payment. One buck per ‘prisoner’ ear, was that right?”
“Yarr,” Ishmayhab said.
“Twilight, how much did you attempt to pay the good captain for his charter?”
“Six hundred bucks.”
Celestia gave Ishmayhab a knowing smile. “Were you planning on reporting that income to me before you collected your bounty?”
The captain turned red. “Uh... Yarr.”
The princess used her magic to take off Ishmayhab’s hat. She floated it over to Twilight and set it atop her head.
“Here you go, captain,” she said. “Here is your reward. One buccaneer.”
Ishmayhab looked at the princess. Then at Twilight. “Be... be that legally binding?”
Twilight stuffed his hat in his face.
Author's Note
Blame Whale Guy
