The Splat Heard Around Equestria
Hot Scoop, editor for the Daily Whinny Newspaper, sipped her coffee as she pored over the files sent in from across Equestria. It would've been a long night, and it technically was, but the time was truly that of morning; Princess Celestia had merely yet to raise the sun. It was also a time of mourning, however, given the tragedy that had befallen Equestria's favourite princess, and yet one of hope too, given the much worse fate that had been possible. Hot Scoop's hoof moved the files around, shoving aside those irrelevant to the story, until she came across the first that had been sent in: It belonged to Bold Font, an experienced reporter, who had been there for a simple Summer Sun Celebration. When he sent in the file, using express magic delivery, Hot Scoop had opened it with no idea of the horrifying events it would tell her:
The new town of Appleloosa received its first Summer Sun Celebration today, the princess choosing it largely due to this fact, and this reporter would like everypony to know ~~it was just as beautiful as every other~~
The princess was nearly hit!
The words had jumped out at Hot Scoop the first time she had read them. The ink was unsteady, hastily slammed against the fragile scroll, the scroll itself was torn in several spots, and the remainder of his writing was more than a little difficult to read, lacking Bold's usual finesse:
the royal guards have surrounded her
suspect the worst
whatever will Equestria do?!
The princess was okay!
Hot Scoop stopped trying to decipher his sloppy writing for a fifth time, and simply recalled it from memory as her hoof went to the next file. A pie had narrowly grazed the princess' right ear, but struck some poor pony in the crowd beyond her instead, hitting the poor sucker straight in his face. She couldn't stand to look at the photograph Bold Font had taken of where he'd been standing; the blood red raspberry filling was everywhere; it was nightmarish. She took another sip of coffee to distract herself. There was the next file, from the reporter Beleaguered Byline, who had been sent to provide assistance on covering the story after Bold's initial file made it through; the boss had even paid to teleport the mare over there. Her report was much calmer, much less excited, although perhaps a little too unexcited. It started out with the understatement of the year:
The princess was escorted off-stage by the royal guard after she fell.
The Daily Whinny Newspaper is the first and only full-Equestrian newspaper to report on the event, ~~because it wasn't considered to be noteworthy enough for the other rags, and the local newspaper has been bribed into keeping the story hushed for a day until we print it.~~
Hot Scoop went ahead and struck that entire line out on second thought, that mare could be bolder than Bold with her drafts; then, she struck out the first sentence too, and kept reading:
The assailant was found nearby the event, standing on a roof. A unicorn was known to be the culprit, due to the distance the pie had been thrown.
- assailant's name: Lyra Heartstrings
- cutie-mark: a golden harp
- aliases: Minty Menace, Twilight Sparkle
The mare was found covered in raspberry pie filling by the royal guard, at first thought to have been overwhelmed with pies from the furious locals.
Investigation found her to have splattered the pies on herself, as she sloppily ate them in a twisted celebration? only she could enjoy.
Hot Scoop struck out twisted celebration? and wrote treacherous tartery in its place. She smiled at her wordplay, but then her smile faltered just a little. It would be fine. She followed the scroll to its end, perhaps the most disappointing part of the entire story, although she stopped to chastise herself for using a word like that for a situation like this:
The sticky fiend was carted to the local prison after being dunked in a watering trough.
- motive: none stated so far
Hot Scoop shook her head. The things some ponies would do for fame and notoriety. Hot's coffee cup was no longer full, or hot; she tried to finish it, before pouring it out in a potted plant and leaving her work for a few minutes to get more. The office was dark lit by only candlelight, a dark glimpse into a world where that pie had been thrown with just a little more expertise.
Her eyes scanned the Manehatten cityscape. There could be other pie throwings happening right now, but to normal ponies, and would anypony even report them, or just wash them away no differently than the tears they cause? This job wasn't easy, but it was important, she reminded herself. She found herself very glad for her new coffee break as she saw the first crack of dawn appear at the horizon and, for the first time all night and morning, she smiled as wide as she could, and her reflection smiled back at her. It would be alright. This could even change Equestrian attitudes towards assault pies, she told herself.
With morning now underway, it was important to get the finished article to the typesetters, so they could get the set type to the printers, so they could get the fresh papers to the deliverymares, so they could get them to the citizens of Manehatten and beyond. There was only one other file that had been sent in relating to the story. A new hire, Kent Little, had been the only pony available to send to Canterlot on such short notice; his report was easy to make, not stressful at all, and merely asked Princess Luna of her opinion on the news. The file was neatly filled out and, in the rush of things, Hot Scoop had yet to read it even once:
When asked for comment, Princess Luna's intermediaries informed this reporter that she was asleep.
Author's Note
Copyright 2024 Kassaz
Verbatim copying and redistribution of this document is permitted.
