The Weed Killers

by Lilyheart

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure, Death, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Fluttershy, Original Character
Length: 4545

I just wanted to be a gardener!

There aren't many gardening jobs in Cloudsdale. Poor Purple Carnation! But a chance encounter might change that. Or not.

Story written for the The New Blood Contest.

I actually was initially aiming for three bonuses: two PoVs that run concurrently, experiment with the form, and story told as a collection of works in-universe; but, as per contest rules, the last one can be ignored.

Published 2024-07-20 00:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-20 00:30:00 UTC

The Weed Killers

“Princess, it really is time for you to get a job,” Dad nagged. Again.

“But, Daaaaaad, it’s the middle of summer. Now’s the perfect time for gardening!” My tail flicked in annoyance. Do we really have to go through this every moon?

“This part’s boring. Skip ahead.”
“Zephyr!”
“What? It is. Here, start from this page, Mom.”
“Well, it’s only a few lines down, so I guess it’s okay. If you’re alright with it, Flutterhoney?”
“...o…okay…”

Because Cloudsdale is in really short supply of gardeners. Thanks, Dad. UGGHH. Why must I be born to a family that doesn’t understand me? Neigh, not just my family, but all of Equestria! Thus is the curse of the artist, blessed with vision before her time, but doomed to never be fully understood! Like Saffron Crocus blooms in autumn before their time, so do we artists sprout in a world of drab and decay! And like the Celestia Gaitflora Rose strikes and forever bedazzles all who lay eye on it, so do we artists touch all for generations yet to come–

“What are you looking at? Can’t you see I’m waxing poetic melodrama?” I barked at the pair of boorish ponies passing by. “Ugh. To the job board. Just to the job board. Through the bland sea of white and humidity from which nothing grows!” I covered my eyes with a hoof. So bright. I dream of soil, greenery, and flowers.

Right. The job board. Let me guess, weather factory laborer. Thirty-three openings. Soooo surprising. Join the Wonderbolts Today! Really? What’s the point of that? You advertise here and then kick out two thirds of the pegasi who apply. …like little Pegasian Buttercup buds snipped away before their time. Poor little darling angels. Weather factory scientist. Booooring! Stand up Comedian Wanted? Hah. Funny. Junior Librarian. Ponies still read books? Mareio Sister’s Plumbing Services? Ew. No. Though, perhaps they offer good fertilizer…

“Right, no gardening jobs here! Good thing I checked, though! I guess I’ll flutter home back to my miserable, bland, and floraless life!”

“Excuse me, Miss Poppy Prose, did I hear you say something about gardening?”

That word. My life–No! My existence all came to a halt. Could it be? Could some knightpony in soily apron have come to sweep me off to a secret gardening paradise? Blue Puya, Daffodils, Coltfornia Golden Rose, and the lovely aromatic Rafflesia Lily!

“Yeeeesss?” I sweetly asked… only to find a gangly dark blue stallion with a mane that looked like it needed to be washed. “Uh… What did you call me?”

“Poppy Prose. I’m good with guessin’ pony’s names. Figure with all the nonsense about flowers you’re spewing it’d fit like a pick to a lock.”

“P-P-P-Poppy?! It’s Purple Carnation! Don’t you see!” I pointed to my cutie mark. “This isn’t a poppy at all! They’re completely different flowers! The wrong color, shape, even different hardiness requirements! What sort of gardenpony would confuse the two?!”

“You’re hired!” Some of his teeth were gold.

“...Huh?”

“You’re exactly the sort of pony we need!”

“I am?”

“See, you’re right, I don’t know anything about flowers or gardens or plants… except what makes a good hay burger! You’re hired! We tried with a few earth ponies, but they’re all too scared of a little weed killin’. That led me here right to you!”

“And you are?” I asked.

“The name’s Perfect Pick,” he answered with a big grin.

“Um… Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Zephyr is playing with my mane again.”

“Zephyr, honey, you know your sister doesn’t like it when you do that without asking, first.”

“Awe, just a little? I need something to exercise my creativity while I sit!”

“Well, I guess that makes sense… Flutter, dearie?”

“...okay.”

The Weed Killers. It certainly isn’t the most glamorous gardening job, but a pony has to start somewhere. Weed killing is an important part of gardening, even if the so-called weeds often were beautiful themselves. But in a garden, every plant has its proper place. It wouldn’t be a garden otherwise.

“This is going to be your team!” cheered Perfect Pick as he presented me to the three ponies before me. “Fellow Weed Killers, this is Purple Poppy!”

“Purple Carnation.”

They were perhaps the strangest gathering of gardeners I’d ever seen. But, it’s not like I had a chance to see many in Cloudsdale. The first, a large and amber earth pony. Clearly, he was used to hard work. Maybe a farmer?

“This is Chat,” explained Perfect. “We call him that because he talks so much.”

Chat silently gave me a nod.

I stared back and waited for a barrage of words that never came.

Oh, I get it. Irony. Heh. Kind of cute. Just like a plant! Which also means I get to talk to him as much as I want without worrying about him interrupting me and telling me how annoying I am! Dad was so mean and would tell me that all the time.

The next was a unicorn with a luscious purple mane which covered her left eye. But most of her locks lay hidden under a fine lavender cloak, and had both a stick and book in her saddle bag. A warm smile and hoof shake.

“Pleasure to meet you, Purple Prose. I am Morning Flower of the Whitetail Woods.”

“It’s Purple Carnation.” Hm, that looks like genuine lavender dye was used on that cloak. Usually it’s some cheap chemical from the weather factory.

Lastly, was a young red stallion with quite the look of confidence on his face and dazzling green eyes. A sickle was tied to his back. This was starting to look less like a gardening job and more like farming. Which, honestly, were much the same thing, but one was about beauty, and the other practicality.

“Nice to meet you, fair filly! My name is Hayloft. You’re as pretty as described, Lilac Lily!” the red stallion told me as he kissed my hoof.

“Seriously?”

“Have you ever diced an Ursa Arctodus? Or reaped your victory over a Astorgiganitus?”

“Uh, no, I can’t say I have.” What sort of ponies are these? Perfect must have been desperate to have hired these ponies. At least that means it will be easy to move up the ladder.

“As most of you know, this is a five-mare job,” explained Perfect. “Our quest is a little ways away from Manehattan, in the outskirts of the Ancient Buckwieza Forest.”

“The where-what now?” I asked, but the ponies were already trotting off without me.

“Ma, Fluttershy is being annoying. She keeps moving.”

“You’re the one who keeps moving…”

“Now, children, let’s be nice to each other.”

“But, Momma…”

“Yes, dear?”

“...nothing.”

“Here we are! The Buckwieza Botanical Garden!” cried Perfect.

We stood before an old, rusting metal fence, bent and crumbling apart, held up by the overgrown tangle of thorny vines more than anything else.

“It’s beautiful!” I gushed. “To see such growth must mean the soil must be spectacularly fertile. The temperatures are fairly moderate in this area. And not a sight of Foxtail weeds anywhere! This land is ripe for gardening! I can imagine it now… Cherrynut Blossoms right there! Oh, and Coltblue Lotus here! Passion Flower around this bird fountain!” I scratched at the soil with my hoof and gave it a sniff. “Dirt! This dirt is amazing!”

I ran up to the bar of the gate and began shaking it desperately. “Let me in! I must garden!”

Hayloft suddenly removed his sickle, dramatically spinning it in his hoof. “Fear not, my good Poppy, I will make an entrance! Sickle Twirling Art Three: Sickle Slash!”

“It’s Purple Carnation!”

Two blinding sweeps of the sickle later, and a secession of the gate fell apart, and the thorny vines went flying everywhere.

“Why are you facing away from the gate?” I asked Hayloft after the plant explosion dissipated.

“It’s part of the technique.”

“You could have just unlocked the gate,” said Perfect Pick and as he pulled it open and snapped the vines apart.

“You had the key?”

“Of course,” said Perfect.

Chat tapped a third spot with his hoof, and it immediately crumpled apart, to which he looked a little embarrassed about.

Meanwhile, Morning Glory was looking dreamily up to the sky. “Equuleus, by the power of the Lunanum Stelis Ignum, grant us your favor on this day, that we carry your will upon this land, and exorcize the blight of Besenim from your celestial sight!” After her eyes closed, and bowed her head towards the soil. Her horn was glowing… and so were the rest of us.

And then it ended. Morning’s eyes shot open. “Fortune has found us fit this day. The omen is good; we will succeed in our task.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“Let us move forward, then!” ordered Hayloft as he marched into the unkempt garden.

“Fluttershy! Dearie, why are you crying?”

Muffled squeaks.

“Come here, darling! Whisper it in momma’s ear.”

…

“Zephyr, please give your sister back Blue Bunny.”

“But ma, she’s just so soft!”

“Zephyr Breeze.”

“Heh, here sis.”

“And what do you say?”

“Sorry, sis.”

“And what do you say, Fluttershy?”

“I forgive you.”

“You both are the sweetest angels I ever could have asked for.”

Somepony was screaming, and it was quite annoying.

Wait, I’m the one screaming?! Well why shouldn’t I be screaming when that just appeared out of nowhere!?

Before us was a Venus Flytrap… except each trap was pony sized and it had legs. And was running right at us! There’s that annoying screaming again.

Again, Hayloft began twirling his sickle. “Sickle Twirling Art Seven: Razing Wolf!” A giant transparent timberwolf appeared behind him and howled at the moon.

“Where’d the timberwolf come from!? And it’s daytime!” I screamed.

But the wolf and moon immediately disappeared and Hayloft shot forward, immediately bouncing from one trap to the other, slicing a trap off with each hop.

Chat, meanwhile, began just simply punching the monster with his hooves; each strike crumpling a plant mouth. And Perfect… was just gone?

“Lunar Fire!” cried Morning Flower, and a tongue of bluish flame flew out toward the flytrap.

“Wha–wha–way…” I dropped backwards and shook. “Wha-what sort of–WAH! The traps still live after being chopped off!”

Like a set of chattering teeth, it quickly munched its way towards me, producing a horrifying waka waka sound on each bite.

I screamed as I galloped away. And it continued chasing me! “Daddy, I want to go home! I can’t die here, I was supposed to die in Ponis! I never never even got to see a Philodendron in full bloom! Wahhhh!”

“Shh! We don’t know what other monsters are here!” hissed Perfect.

“Why do you get to hide behind the tree!?” I screamed as I rushed past. “I want to hide in a tree!”

So, I rushed up one. Hm, Silver Maple. Good sap for making sugar. I should try to get a sample when I have a moment.

I clung to a branch while the evil mouth continued snapping below. Apparently it couldn’t climb. Breathe. Ah, safety. I get to see the bloom of a Philodendron afterall. Why are you judging me? Wait… who is…

Two amber eyes were sternly piercing down at me. But… the eyes appeared to belong to the tree… And suddenly, I was moving. It was holding me. In its clawed hoof.

‘Gahwarawrah!’ it rumbled, a sound which vibrated deep into my barrel, as the tree took a step and mushed the evil mouth underhoof.

“W…Wev…Evil walking tree!”

“Tree?! I’m no tree!” it grumbled. “I am an entwife!”

It talks. “IT TALKS!”

“Sickle Twirling Art One: Leaping Mantis!”

I was now falling. There’s that screaming again.

Until something warm and soft caught me. Hayloft? We were on the ground again, and he held me in his forelegs.

“Be calm, my fair filly,” he said. His voice was deeper than I remembered. And his smile, more handsome upon his strong muzzle, and those dazzling green eyes. “You have nothing to fear, Violet Crotus.”

“I-it’s P-P-P-Pur-p-p-ple Ca-Carn–Aaaah!”

Hayloft launched us away as the evil walking tree slammed a hoof down right where we had been a moment ago. I found myself back on my own hooves, and looked back to see all four of the Weed Killers taking turns attacking the tree monster, until at last, it toppled to the ground. The earth shook, and then all was silent. And as it fell, all four of them turned away from it, to face me as though I were about to take a picture.

“W-Wh-What sort of gardeners are you?”

“Gardeners? We’re adventuring ponies!” said Hayloft with his barrel puffed out.

“We met at a donut shop,” said Morning Flower.

“And we needed a fifth pony in order to meet this quest requirements,” said Perfect.

Chat said nothing.

“What quest requirements?! I’m a gardener, not a… whatever you all are! I’m going home!” I marched off after screaming at them.

“I wouldn’t go that way, Periwinkle Prunes,” called Hayloft.

“AND FOR THE LAST TIME IT’S–”

Suddenly, there was a loud snap and everything went dark. And wet. I screamed again and thrashed against an invisible wall. And then–freedom. I coughed and spluttered as I accessed what happened. A mess of giant yellow petals were shattered about me, and Haylot was standing closer to me with his barrel still puffed out and a grin.

“I was eaten by a giant sunflower?!” I dropped to my cannons. “This is it. I’m never going home. So much for the Philodendron afterall.”

“Wait, how’d you know that’s what we’re after? Who told her? Chatty?” Perfect barked, to which Chat bowed his head as though guilty.

Hayloft held his hoof out to me. “Fear not, my lady; for as adventurers, we are duty bound to protect you. You have my word, we will let no harm come to you.”

I gently reached out and let him lift me to my hooves. My eyes were wet, the world around went dark… but still there was an illumination about him and me… and those dazzling gentle green eyes. “Thank you. If only there were more chivalrous ponies in Equestria like yourself, it would be a better place.”

Perfect facehoofed. “Always has to be the main hero of the party.”

A murmuring rattle purred gently along the air. So quiet at first… but rumbling ever louder and louder. It seemed to drown out all other sounds of the caged wilderness we found ourselves in. It seemed innocuous, unimportant, nothing to be bothered with, a background detail given no thought. But then, it was there, louder, clearer, and all of us realized immediately–

Something was wrong.

Something was here.

The rattling became a shriek, and a beast greater and more terrifying appeared from the forest, knocking two trees aside like an afterthought, like a pony steps on a blade of grass. Two bloodshot eyes, and a serpentine body, with scales like oakwood, and a rattle much like a Silver Coat used as a Hearth Warming Tree.

“Rattlesnatcher!” someone cried.

“Sickle Twirling Art Eight: Deadly–”

Before Hayloft could finish his line, a series of thorny vines wrapped themselves quickly around him. He was shot into the air, and into the beast’s mouth. It snapped shut.

All that was left was the sickle which harmlessly fell to the grass where the heropony once stood.

“Celestial Shield!” called out Morning Flower. A blue bubble appeared around us. More vines whipped across it, but they harmless bounced off. “I call forth the Flames of Sagitta, and by the Monocerus of Orion, I purify you!”

A giant arrow-nocked bow of blue fire arose from Morning Flower’s horn, where it hovered in swirling fire. Morning’s hood fell and her flowing locks flapped in the wind with her lavender cloak. “By the Flames of Sagitta, be vanquished to the realm of ash and dust!”

The arrow fired. A streak like sapphire lightning straight into the beast’s head, where it exploded. My ears folded back in shock from the noise. My legs shook. I couldn’t move. Stuck. Frozen. Fear. Awe… and then relief. At least, until the smoke cleared, and the monster lived still; the blood shot eyes now wider, and in a scowl. These eyes are going to be the last thing I ever see, isn’t it?

Something like a boulder flew into me. Suddenly, I found myself in the air, and then, on Chat’s back. He just flung me there with a single motion. Wordlessly, he galloped into the jungle. I watched behind as the Rattlesnatcher shrieked and slammed its mighty tree-like tail into the shield.

It was the same as a hoof stepping on an eggshell. One moment, it was there, Morning Flower underneath. The next, it was gone, and so was Morning Flower. An explosion and dust followed, covering it all, followed by three Jerry Pines collapsing to the ground.

Chat flew into bush after bush, plowing past them as though they were just clouds. I miss clouds.

And I was in the air again, spinning, spinning, and promptly pancaked into a wall. Slowly, I peeled off into a disheveled mess on the ground. Chat gave me an apologetic look.

And then came a familiar voice, bellowing from a golden grin.. “Oh, you two are still alive, huh?”

I inflated in a singular motion. “Y-You! What did you get me into?!”

“Jeeze, lady, you don’t have to shout. You asked for a garden job. Looked desperate for it. That’s exactly what I gave you.”

“Gardening plants don’t eat ponies!” I shouted.

“Take it easy,” said Perfect, wiping his cheeks. “Besides, anypony who lives gets a cut of the prize.”

“Prize?” I asked.

“This, right here,” said Perfect, motioning to a large chest next to the wall I just smacked into. Wait, wall? Before us was a small stone cottage, decrypted and overgrown with Cerulean Ivy.

“This patch of land used to belong to a rich stallion named Duke Buckwieza,” explained Perfect as he brushed dirt off the chest. “Buckwieza rose to fame pretty quickly, which led to a lot of swirling questions as to where all of his money came from. Some said he stole it from a dragon. Others thought he had mastered alchemy, turning whatever he wanted into gold. Some just thought he had a knack with money. But that’s all just speculation.

“But this,” Perfect continued, “Is an answer.”

With that, Chat and I huddled over to watch Perfect pull out a set of metal picks and insert them into the lock. With a click, it opened, revealing inside… a Philodendron. It was exactly like the pictures I had seen. Arrow-shaped leaves that blanketed its stocks, with the darker and larger ones at the bottom, the smaller and lighter at the top. Just like I had seen. Except that the leaves were a shimmering gold. Which only meant one thing.

“A Leafy Gold Philodendron? They’re extinct!” I shouted.

“Not this one. Duke Buckwieza found the last one and got himself rich with it. And now, it’s mine.” Perfect reached for it.

I slapped his hoof away. “You can’t just grab critically endangered flora like that! Let me have a look.” Pushing him aside, I began my inspection. “It’s okay, Dennis, this is just something of a routine check-up. Mommy Carnation is going to take good care of you!”

“Who’s Dennis?” asked Perfect, but I paid him no mind. “And who’s Mommy Carnation?”

“How have you been able to go so long without sunlight? Poor Dennis, trapped in this scary dark box for so long! Your roots must have gone really deep to find some water, too. You must be exhausted having been alone here!” I scraped some soil away from the outside of the chest. “Yep, you’ve had to reach really far, poor thirsty plant!” I gently tapped one of his leaves, and then gasped. “But your stems are so healthy and strong! I bet you’re still able to grow really big! We just have to make sure you get some more sunlight, don’t we?”

“Okay, okay, can we please stop babying the plant!” interrupted Perfect. “We get it, you love plants! I’m getting sick over here! Let’s just pull out my ticket to richness and get going!”

“You can’t,” I told him simply.

“What do you mean we can’t?”

“Because there’s no way to dig up Dennis’ whole root system,” I explained. “The closest roots probably aren’t even capable of drawing in water, which means if you try to pull or dig Dennis up… he’ll die.”

Perfect’s face went white. “Y-You mean, I came all this way for nothing?!”

“You’re the one who got us into the mess!” I shouted back.

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” said Perfect. “It’s a lot less than I was hoping for, but if we just pull it out, those shiny leaves will still fetch us a pleasant price. Early retirement is still on the menu!”

My wings flared open and I hoofed the ground, my ears flaring back as I glared.

“You won’t lay a hoof on Dennis,” I hissed. “I won’t let you! This is more important than gold! He’s the last of his species! We ponies have a duty to protect him!”

“It’s just a plant, Purple Poppy!”

“His name is Dennis! Arrrrgggghhhhh!”

I don’t remember what happened. Things went black for a moment there. And by the time I could see again, I was in front of Perfect, launching my hooves into his jaw.

Perfect’s face was one of shock. And then, fear. He slowly backed away. My vision was obscured by something like pulsing veins. I couldn’t see anything else. Just that face I wanted to tear to shreds.

“Ch-Ch-Chat, do something!” Perfect whimpered.

I launched myself into Perfect again with a snarl.

“Chat!”

But I only got another swing in before he collapsed on the ground; his eyes replaced by Xs’.

“Huh?” I mumbled.

“He’s always had low stamina,” said an alien voice. “Bad heart on his dad’s side.”

I looked around frantically. Wait, Chat?! “You can talk?!”

Chat shrugged, and walked over to fling Perfect on his back.

“Are you going to answer my question?”

Chat shrugged.

I sighed and looked at Dennis. “Don’t worry, little baby! You’re all safe now! You’ll be safe now from that mean old stallion! And now you’ll get plenty of sunlight to help you grow big and healthy!”

And with that, the sun moved out from behind a tree, soaking Dennis in light. It was dazzling! Glinting, gleaming swirls of gold sparkles.

“Dennis, you’re beautiful!” I cooed.

And then he lit on fire.

“NO!!!!!!” I screamed as I frantically patted down his leaves. “Dennis!”

As soon as it happened, so it also finished. Nothing was left but what looked like a large pile of ash.

“Dennis!” I screamed amidst the tears. “No, my first born son! My only child! My life has no meaning without you!” I nuzzled my cheeks into his remains. “I’ll stay here with you! I’ll die by your side, my baby! I’ll never let you go!”

I couldn’t move if I wanted to. Chat took my tail in his teeth, and dragged me away as I clutched Dennis, until there was nothing left in my hooves but smudges. Time lost all meaning. There was nothing. Just, existence. Sorrow. Lost. Pain. Until not even that was left; and instead just dumbness.

And then I sneezed.

“Huh?”

I looked around. Chat had dragged me all the way out of Buckwieza Botanical Garden. Perfect still lay unconscious on his back. But that wasn’t the important thing which caught my eye. I gasped.

“A Common Sunny Oak Flower! I never get to see these in Cloudsdale!”

I immediately ran up to it. “My baby! Don’t worry, momma will take good care of you, Lois!”

“Oh, that was a lovely story!”

“Of course you’d like it, sis. You always liked the sappy stuff. Ew!”

“You enjoyed it too, didn’t you?”

“Don’t be so pushy!”

“Now, now, children!”

“Sorry, Mom.”

“That’s already. Honestly, I’m surprised you liked it. I was worried it would be too scary for you.”

“What was it called again?”

“Canter Bucket and the Cheese Factory.”

* * *

His coat was the midnight sky, dark as the shadows he cast upon the cobblestone, but swirls of light glinted upon it like the stars. By all means, the pegasus was invisible as he soared. If any of the innocent ponies below ever looked up (and if they were ever awake in the first place) they would only see the slightest blur, and assume it a trick of the light; perhaps the last wisps of a meteor.

Straight towards the Canterlot Royal Library he flew, the night guards oblivious as he entered a window. Past the rows of books he hovered before landing gently at a dead end. Using one massive wing, he pulled two books down, and the shelf slid open. Inside the restricted section sat a frazzled and tired pony engrossed in a book.

“Princess,” he said with a bow.

“Thank you for coming, Midnight Storm,” said Twilight. “Thank you for all that you do.”

“How’s the latest victim?”

“Her rehabilitation is almost complete. But there’s still some dark magic left in her,” Twilight answered. “The magic of friendship is stronger, but sometimes, it can take a while.”

“And I assume she doesn’t remember anything?”

“Nothing. The trauma from the conversion is just too much. Any luck on your end?”

“None. Either they can turn invisible, or they’re teleporting. They all seem to disappear not too far from the Castle of the Two Sisters. I’ll wait for them there tonight,” answered Midnight. “...Are you listening?”

Twilight hovered a book into his face. “The Weed Killers?” he read.

“After your run in with that rattlesnatcher last night, I decided to do some research on them,” explained Twilight. “This tome is the oldest mention of rattlesnatchers I could find. But there’s a few odd things about it. One character refers to the Rattlesnatcher as though they recognized it. Which means these creatures must have been known to ponies before this was written. But that’s not the strangest thing. The Weed Killers was in a collection with old fictional works. Spike keeps telling me it was just sorted wrong… but nothing else in that section was. It could mean we lost the first records of sightings of rattlesnatchers… but a creature that powerful, just forgotten? The only other thing I can think of makes less sense…”

“That rattlesnatchers shouldn’t exist at all,” finished Midnight.

“Someone, or something, is drawing them into Equestria.”

Author's Note

As usual, special thanks to my amazing proofreaders, Rainy Skies, Ashel, and PandoraFox. Additional thanks to HB, without whom I doubt I ever would have started writing fanfiction.

If the last scene seems a little sudden, that's because this takes place in the same universe as my self-insert story, A Tail of Two Ponies (specifically taking place between chapters 18 and 19).

A lot of research on plants went into this. While I leave most of these references for clever readers to figure out, the only thing I will say on this: purple carnations symbolize capriciousness.

I like turtles.