How Babies Are Made

by Jabazor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 6167

Learn how not to make pony babies!

Completely intended for humorous purposes. I don't like seeing the show in a sexual way at all, so this is how I will make fun of ponies ever having sex. Take that, Interwebz!… Oh. And please enjoy :p

So…how are babies made in Equestria? Sex? Of course not! This is a kid's show, you know. How about test-tube babies?… Maybe…nah. Perhaps if I just put down some ridiculous ways to make babies in Equestria, it might be funny. So when Twilight sends a letter to Celestia (unwillingly, of course) asking how babies are made, Celestia finds herself without a clue. So Twilight and Celestia endeavor to discover the secret of making babies… Hold on… That sentence needs rephrasing… Screw it. That sentence sounds funny.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-01 21:03:46 UTC

Reproductive Organs...?

"Are you sure that you would want to send this to the Princess, Twilight? I'm pretty sure that she might think that is a little embarrassing considering that you are a pony who has read an innumerable amount of books and, for the most part, knows everything," said Spike.

"Of course I don't want to. But it's for the good of science and...and...something...or maybe nothing. But I have to know!" replied Twilight.

Spike chuckled at how easy it was to annoy Twilight today. She had, for the past month or so, been looking for an answer to a question that she thought that most ponies already knew. She didn't bother to ask because she was afraid of being embarrassed, but she could not contain her curiosity any further. So she decided to ask the one pony that she knew would not embarrass her and would understand her situation.

"To imagine that I've had to stoop so low as to asking how babies are made, Spike," said Twilight in a somewhat disgruntled voice.

"I don't know how they're made, Twilight," said Spike feeling somewhat insulted.

"Well how do you think that they're made, Spike? I've thought of a million ways to make a baby and not a single one ended up being correct or even considerable."

"Well first off, how would you know whether or not you were correct with those ideas?"

"Science involves experimentation. But I didn't try the ideas that I thought were yucky. I had to ask about those ones and study,"

"Well thank Celestia. I thought that you were going to go through with that idea of yours to create a hole in a pony's stomach to see if babies were just located there," said Spike with a hesitant yet relieved voice.

"Yeah. That was one that I had to study about. Apparently, if I were to open a hole, it would've caused agonizing pain. So that was a no-go," said Twilight half-annoyed. She actually still wanted to try it, but health and safety always came first.

"I came from an egg. Maybe you came from an egg. Maybe everything came from an egg."

"I've already proven that one to be impossible."

"Well then I don't see any other way. Let's get this letter sent."

Twilight finished up writing and then magically held the letter in front of Spike's mouth. He let out his fire and the letter carried itself through an open window and off towards Canterlot. Then came a moment of considerably uncomfortable silence. Spike looked at the floor, hands together, and occasionally stole a glance at Twilight, who was pretending to sit around patiently doing nothing.

"Okay, okay, okay. What if she doesn't know?" asked Spike since he was no longer able to take the tension.

"Well then we will eventually all die-off due to the fact that nopony can have babies."

Spike took a moment, somewhat half-heartedly, to act like what Twilight said was serious.

"Well. When that day comes...I will be in bed," said Spike jokingly.

Twilight laughed and said goodnight to Spike. It had taken all day for Twilight to build up the courage to tell Spike that she wanted the letter sent, but she finally came to her senses.

Babies to the Max

Twilight stayed up all night anxiously awaiting the Princess' reply. She kept wanting to close her, and when she did, she just abruptly opened them again. It was like that for half-an-hour or so, but Twilight knew that the Princess would be up late today because Twilight said that she would send a letter from which she wanted an immediate reply.

When Twilight saw a Royal Guard off in the distance, she straightened herself up and waited patiently by the window. The guard came to the Library and threw the letter inside. The guard then quickly left and Twilight was by herself.

Twilight opened the immediately and was paralyzed by the Princess' reply.

"I do not know how," was all that the letter said.

Twilight's mouth and eyes began to Twitch. She just sat there with the letter in her face. Eventually, Twilight fell face-first to the floor and made a loud thump. She stayed on the floor for about thirty seconds until Spike told her to stop making noise.

"How am I supposed to stop making noise if I can't make babies?!" yelled Twilight vehemently. Twilight's eyes were on fire and she was breathing heavily.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Spike got up out of his bed and backed into a wall. "I didn't mean to make you angry. What's gotten into you?" said Spike somewhat angrily.

"Babies, Spike. Babies have gotten into me... Ughhhhh." Twilight calmed down a bit only to turn to being somewhat annoyed.

"So you finally learned how to make babies," said Spike feeling a bit more safe.

"No. It was just a figure of speech. I haven't learned one bit about how to make babies, Spike. I'm freaking out because of it and I don't even know why."

"Well then it's time to get out of that shell of yours and back into be...I mean... get out into Ponyville and ask the others how it's done." Spike was finding it hard not to look at his bed with his half-opened eyes.

"I guess so, Spike." Spike started crawling into his bed. "I'm going to go out there and figure this hing out. No more worrying about if I embarrass myself!" Spike had now tucked himself in. "I know! I'm going to ask my best friends! Surely they have an idea. They're a smart bunch!" Spike started mumbling in his sleep.

Twilight began to confidently walk down the stairs and then fell face first to the floor again. Except this time she was snoring.

Gots to have mah babaes

When Twilight woke up in the afternoon after her late-night fiasco, the only thing to pop into her mind was babies. She didn't know which friend to go to first, but she decided to step outside to get herself going. It was a beautiful day, as usual, but nothing really stood out about it. Ponies were doing pony things because they were ponies. And that was about it.

Twilight stood outside of the Library and thought who to go to first. Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie all had siblings. Rarity did not have her parents around, so she probably wouldn't know. Granny Smith was probably too old to remember, and Twilight was willing to bet that Big Macintosh and Applejack didn't have a clue either. Mr. and Mrs. Cake were gone at the moment, and Pinkie Pie would only have completely ridiculous ideas about how babies were made. Fluttershy had many animals, but she had never spoken of them being born. Rainbow Dash was probably clueless about the whole thing too.

So maybe her friends weren't the best options. Perhaps a nurse or a doctor would know. There were always babies to be found at the hospital. But, then again, the doctors never had an explanation for the babies. Twilight had asked them long ago before the question troubled her, but the doctors and nurses she asked only scurried away. Perhaps they didn't want to reveal how babies were made because they were committing horrifying experiments to make the babies. Either way, Twilight ceased to care. The hospital employees wouldn't give the information and that was that.

Now forced to choose a friend to go to first, Twilight chose Fluttershy. Sure Fluttershy had seen the baby-making process being committed by the animals at one time or another when she was with them. Fluttershy always said that rabbits were often had babies, so that meant that she knew something about babies unlike most other ponies.

Twilight leisurely trotted outside of the town and onto the gravel path that led to Fluttershy's home. Although a bit nervous, the relief of getting the question answered was far more important to Twilight. Hearing the chirps of birds and seeing some baby animals was a relief in-and-of-itself. Everywhere Twilight was a little critter came into sight.

Twilight gently knocked on the door of Fluttershy's house and waited patiently. Fluttershy opened the door with a casual smile.

"Hello, Twilight. What can I do for you today?" said Fluttershy in her calm, quiet, and simple tone.

"I have to ask you a question, Fluttershy. It's not exactly one that I want to ask, but I just have to know something."

"Oh! Well please do come in. I'll bake us some cookies and then we can have tea and then we can pet the animals and then we can do...stuff!" said Fluttershy with what seemed like too much enthusiasm. Fluttershy did not get visitors often.

"What would you like to do first, Twilight?"

Twilight gave Fluttershy a stare with her eyes slightly closed and her head tilted.

"Oh. I'm sorry. What is your question?"

Twilight took a deep breath and whispered to herself some motivational words. She had been hiding her nervousness but now had to let it all out.

"Could you..." Twilight snapped at herself a bit because of her lack to ask. "Could... Ughhhhhh." Twilight got down, covered her eyes, and started shaking her head. She was just so disappointed that she did not know the answer and fet like she would end up embarrassing herself.

Fluttershy was a little eager, on the other hoof, to do something else. So before Twilight could attempt to ask a third time, Fluttershy immediately went off into the kitchen to make cookies. Twilight eventually got up and saw Fluttershy using all-natural ingredients and taking way too many safety precautions to open a bag of cookie-dough so that it would not splatter everywhere and cause the inevitable end to all ponykind or something similar.

Instead of wasting time, Twilight decided to observe. She went around the house trying to find baby animals. The ones that she managed to find were playing with their mothers and siblings or simply scampering around. Twilight's mother and father never told her of how babies were born. When Twilight asked where she came from, her parents were without a clue. But for some reason they just owned her. So maybe Twilight was kidnapped at birth.

It was a suggestion that baby ponies came from their parents, but how would that happen. A new idea popped into Twilight's head: baby ponies were sold to the highest bidder in some bag or something like that. The first pony or ponies the baby saw would be the parent or parents and that was that. But if that were true, it would have to be an underground way of doing things which Twilight had never heard of.

A bit bored, Twilight walked into Fluttershy's kitchen. Fluttershy had put on all sorts of safety clothing so that she could bake the cookies. She was covered in heat-resistant material, goggles, and oven mits. Twilight chuckled a bit and watched as Fluttershy carefully put the cookies into the oven and then did a little dance because of her feeling of accomplishment. Now Fluttershy could only hope that her oven wouldn't explode or something like that.

"Fluttershy. I think that I can ask the question now."

"Okay, Twilight. Go ahead."

Twilight took a big breath and closed her eyes.

"How are babies made," said Twilight speedily.

Fluttershy just stood still for a moment with her eyes wide open. She evntually looked down at the floor and started lightly dragging her hoof along it.

"Well I have been with the animals for a long time and I always see their babies, but I don't know where they come from. Certain animals have more babies during certain seasons. I know that much. Please forgive me for not knowing," said Fluttershy in a tad bit of a scared tone.

But instead of paying attention to Fluttershy, Twilight began to sit and think. Maybe time was in control of baby-making. Maybe time chose when babies should be born and it also chose the parents. Maybe time wasn't time it all. Time might just be a physical thing with untold power. An untold power that could make an infinite amount of babies.

While Twilight was being mesmerized by the idea, Fluttershy was waving her hoof in front of Twilight's face.

Twilight stood with her jaw a-gape and her eyes seemed like they had stars in them. Fluttershy looked at her hooves as if she had found some magnificent power.

"Oh my gosh... I must have just said the most revolutionary thing ever... With these hooves and this mouth, I shall, from now on, be a speaker for brainwash seminars!... Unless, that is, the ponies wouldn't want to be brainwashed." So Fluttershy had a moment of empowerment and it was ruined immediately. But at least it was fun while it lasted.

Twilight eventually came out of her temporary revelation.

"Fluttershy! What if baby ponies come from time itself?" Twilight seemed so giddy to have finally solved her problem.

Fluttershy took a moment to think about it.

"Nope," said Fluttershy with as straight a face as could be.

"Hmm...you're right. Too far-fetched. So you really have no clue?"

"I'm sorry, Twilight, but I really don't. But now that you've asked, I actually really want to know."

"Then you should come along with me to go to Rarity's to ask her, would you?"

"Of course not. But would you first like some cookies?" said Fluttershy with a kind of begging face.

"Umm...sure." Twilight could not figure out why the cookies were so important.

"Good. This is the first time I have ever made cookies. I used all-naturally ingredients, a homemade recipe, and my own care and love," said Fluttershy all to happily.

"Wait. You used a homemade recipe and this is your first time cooking cookies?"

"Yep. To be honest, I don't know how to make cookies. I just thought something up and it's going to be delicious!"

"No. Nope. Not doing it. Stop the oven and let's go," said Twilight very sternly.

"But...but..." Twilight was already heading out the door.

Fluutershy looked at her "cookies" inside of her oven.

"I will be back for you, my loves." Fluttershy touched the oven door and then sadly flew out of the door of her house and caught up with Twilight.

Rarity's boutique was not far away from Fluttershy's house. All one had to do was simply walk into town from a different gravel path than the one Twilight took and there it was. Along the way, Twilight explained her dilemma to Fluttershy.

Now Fluttershy seemed to want in on all of this baby-making business. So she was eager to get to Rarity's boutique to figure out how to make babies. Originally, though, she was scared. Twilight had to convince her to go back and take off all of the protective equipment she had on earlier from cooking.

And so the two finally arrived at the boutique shortly after entering town. Something about the grandeur of the place made them a bit nervous to enter. Perhaps it was because baby-making was such a touchy subject. Perhaps the process of baby-making was messy and Rarity didn't want such "messy subjects" ruining the feeling of her boutique.

It wasn't uncommon to have to dodge for cover when entering the boutique. Fluttershy and Twilight entered and then immediately jumped behind a cabinet nearby as to avoid being cut by flying scissors or being hit by a stray piece of fabric. After a few seconds of hiding, the objects stopped flying and were placed in an "organized chaos" on the ground. Rarity peeked her head behind the counter with a chuckle and invited them out.

"I am so sorry, girls. I was zoned out and...uhh...perhaps having too much fun," said Rarity with some embarrassment.

"Oh it's all right, Rarity. We were just stopping in to..." Twilight took a gulp of air "...ask a pretty tough question."

"Well then come at me with whatever you have. No question is too hard for this masterful mind.: Rarity posed her head in the air, hoof under chin, eyes closed, and with a smile just because she could.

"How are babies made, Rarity?" Fluttershy managed to squeak out.

And, as expected by Fluttershy and Twilight, Rarity dropped her head, widened her eyes, and just repeatedly said "Ummm." So the two sat there as Rarity scrambled about her house looking through things. It was a funny sight seeing the ever-so-elegant mare scramble about like a chicken.

"What are you looking for, Rarity?" asked Fluttershy.

"Sweetie Belle. I don't know where she is, but she ought to know, right? Because I really don't have a clue." Rarity seemed so ecstatic and she seemed to be rushing.

"Why the rush?"asked Twilight.

"Because I want to know how babies are made too but I really need to finish this dress. I'm just looking for the materials to lock-up the boutique and I'm also looking for some full-body clothing and then I'll be right there."

"But we didn't really plan on going anywhere. We were hoping that you would know," said Twilight.

"Since I really have no clue, I'm suggesting the next stop to find out is Zecora," said Rarity.

"So you want to come with, I'm guessing?"

"I don't know why, but I suddenly feel so inclined to find out how babies are made. For all I know, the answer could be exciting!"

"But why the protective clothing?"

"We are going into the Everfree Forest, Twilight. I need to prevent against scratches, bug-bites, lava, alligators, the occasional elephant, and basically everything else in the forest. Even Zecora herself. You never know when she's going to spill one of those potions and hurt me, do you?" Rarity gave a hollow laugh and then exited th boutique and locked the door. Twilight and Fluttershy followed.

"She must either really want to know how babies are made and risk going into the forest to hear how or she is possessed," whispered Twilight.

"I don't know, Twilight. When you asked me how babies were made, I felt this radical urge to find out," replied Fluttershy.

"Hmm. I've asked doctors before, but when I first seriously got the question into my head, I could barely contain myself I wanted to know so badly."

Fluttershy gasped.

"Are you saying that Ponyville is being witched, Twilight?" said Fluttershy in sudden horror.

"What? Of course not. Ponies must just really want to know how to make babies."

"Oh. Yeah that makes sense.You should ask Rarity how she thinks they are made."

"Oh. I can overhear you girls. I don't have any educated guesses, but Sweetie Belle and I are just randomly sisters, apparently. When I asked my parents how babies were born, they were dumbstruck and couldn't think of anything to say. And I can't even recall Sweetie Belle being my sister before this one day I saw her as a baby and I just called her sister. My parents said that she was their baby and that was that. I did not care much when I asked my parents back then, but I am now suddenly intrigued."

"Well Spike didn't seem too curious, so hopefully this sudden interest isn't a curse or something like that," said Twilight.

"Anyways. It's my belief that babies just suddenly appear. Or maybe they are machine-made. Maybe they're imported from a whole different continent. But I can't find my "Made In Blank" ink-print anywhere. So maybe not."

"Ugggghhhhhh. This keeps only getting more and more confusing," said Twilight in an annoyed tone.

After a while longer, the girls arrived int the Everfree Forest. It was a funny experience because Fluttershy and Rarity would squeal at the slightest things. It was often the case that the two would hide somewhere only to find a bug crawling on them or a plant ready to gobble them.

Zecora's house, ever-so-conveniently placed in the middle of a forest with hazardous plant life and monstrous bugs, along with the occasional from-behind-a-bush-eyes and random sound, was a relief to get to. Rarity knocked on the door and waited. Zecora opened the door with a smile and invited them in.

"Ahh. Welcome you three to my humble home in the Everfree."

"Hello, Zecora. Sorry if we're intruding on anything and we seem like we're rushing, but we have to be quick and get an answer to a question that we have," said Twilight with an urgent tone about her.

"No problems here. So go ahead and ask away, my dear."

"How does a pony make a baby, Zecora?" asked Twilight.

Zecora just stared at them confused. Twilight put her hoof to her forehead, her impatience getting to her.

"You know. A filly?"

"The answer to this I do not know. And I can not suggest to you a place to go," said Zecora somewhat sadly.

"That's okay, Zecora. But do you have any speculation as to how babies may be made?" asked Twilight.

Fluttershy, being a curious spirit at times, scanned the shelves of Zecora's house.

"Um. Excuse me, Zecora, but what is this?" said Fluttershy as she pointed to a jar.

"That is a liver, dear, that is best that you not be near."

"You living things in jars?" said Fluttershy who was, yet again, bewildered.

"Oh no, no, no. That is just my lunch to-go."

"You're going to eat it? You're going to eat something that's alive!" Fluttershy, for some reason thinking that it was logical, took cover behind Rarity.

"It isn't alive, darling... It came from something that was, though," said Rarity a bit nervously.

Fluttershy fainted.

"Well shoot. Anyways. Do you have any speculation as to how babies are made, Zecora?" asked Twilight.

Zecora shrugged.

"Put ingredients in a curious brew and hopefully out pops a little you."

"So maybe if we just mix a whole bunch of the ingredients here we can make a baby."

"While I am sure that baby-making requires mixing of some sort, you can't just go ahead and mix all of Zecora's things, Twilight," said Rarity.

"If we were to mix all of the ingredients I have to show, Ponyville would most certainly blow."

"What does that mean?" asked Twilight

"A big boom would be your doom."

"Maybe babies come from some sort of boom that happens."

"It's probably something disgusting, Twilight," said Rarity.

Twilight sighed. there adventure to find out how to make babies seemed to be taking them everywhere but getting them nowhere. Twilight began to think that babies might just not be able to be made. Perhaps babies just spawned out of thin-air and were suddenly a part of a family. It certainly didn't seem like a terrible idea at the moment.

"Well we are going to go, Zecora. You are welcome to come with us to try to figure out how babies are made if you want."

Zecora shrugged and quickly packed a few things in a satchel. She then proceeded out of the door. But before they left, Zecora opened a potion, waved it over Fluttershy, who was still passed out on the floor. Once Fluttershy caught a whiff of the potion, she jumped up and stood there. Her eyes black and staring. But after a minute or so, Fluttershy was happily hopping along the trail out of the Everfree Forest.

Cannibalism... Pony Cannibalism

"Okay. So that was a failure. What's plaaaaan... E, I think? Curse my math skills... or my alphabetical skills... whichever," said a disgruntled Spike.

"It's E," said Twilight as she sighed, "and I doubt that it's the last plan that we'll be using. Plan E is to figure out if Applejack and her family fails."

While the other three girls were behind chatting about their obsessions and sudden interest in babies, Twilight and Spike trudged along in agony. But they did have occasional moments of doubt; not in that they would find a solution to their baby problem, but that they had been told lies. Twilight's first days that she could remember were those where she had a babysitter. Twilight only saw Spike when he was an egg. Celestia was "unable" to reply with an answer and her reply back to Twilight was short, simple, and discouraging. So it came to both twilight and Spike's mind that they were possibly being lied to about babies. Maybe Celestia knew things that she refused to tell them, they both thought. Perhaps Celestia had both of their memories altered to disremember their infancy. While Spike's mind stopped at that thought, Twilight suddenly began to grow a distrust for the Princess of the Sun.

The rolling hills of Sweet Apple Acres proved to be a tedious trot to the group. When the group reached the barn where Applejack and Big MacIntosh were found just hanging out, they were cordially welcomed with a jug of fresh apple juice, which they had all expected.

Now a bit tired of the entire process, Twilight didn't want to deviate from or complicate anything. So she got right to it.

"We're not here for small talk, friendship, favors, or any other abundance of things," said Twilight sternly with a painfully obvious tired expression on her face.

"Just tell us how babies are made, Applejack," said Rarity.

The entirety of the group, including Big Mac and Applejack, who spat out the apple juice that they made, turned to look at Rarity. Twilight had not exactly planned on it being that simple, but it certainly was efficient and attention-demanding.

"C'mon... spit it out... errr... not the juice. The information on how to make babies." said Rarity, oblivious to all of the eyes around her.

"Weeeeeeelllll... This isn't exactly supposed to be widely known, so don't tell anybody," began Applejack as she looked side-to-side and then gestured for everypony to lean in with her in a small circle.

The group leaned in with her, expecting the most awe-inspiring, magnificent piece of information that they would ever receive.

Spike was drooling and starry-eyed with anticipation.

Twilight was ready to write down notes so fast her notepad and pencil would catch fire.

Rarity was holding her breath just so that she wouldn't scream.

Fluttershy was off chasing and naming animals while, at the same time, getting lost.

Zecora was ready to put together a concoction of words that rhymed so beautifully that everypony would cry from the sheer grace of it all.

"I don't really know," said Applejack.

Right then and there, Twilight socked Applejack a good one with her hoof... in her mind, anyways. In reality, Twilight fell to the ground and heaved a sigh. The likes of which was so distinct and loud that it had never been heard before and it would never be heard again.

The other ponies, and Spike, were saying untranslatable whispers. Fluttershy got in late on the group disappointment session and decided to do what Twilight did, which was fall on the ground and let out a huge sigh. But her sigh was very weak.

"Oh my goodness. Y'all are a bunch 'a childish babies," said Applejack as she looked at the group with harsh eyes.

"I SOOOOOOO wish that I was, Applejack," said Twilight right in Applejack's face as she suddenly got up, "You don't even know."

"Bu-," began Applejack.

"Nope," replied Twilight.

"He-."

"Nuh-uh."

"We-."

"Not even a BIT of knowledge as to how angry I am."

"Now hold on, all 'a y'all. I don't know, but I have my guesses," said Applejack in an attempt to get her firends back on her side.

The group perked up their ears and turned their heads back towards Applejack. They were all prepared to listen, no matter how ridiculous her story might be.

"Now, personally, I can't remember my infancy as well as the next pony might be ab-"

The group then started saying that none of them could remember their infancy and asked her to go on.

"Oh. Well... okay. Anyways. I, like y'all, can't exactly remember being a baby. But I do remember when I first saw Apple Bloom. I'm not sure if she snuck into the tree or was born there or what, but it was my first time attempting to buck a tree and she fell out. At first I was like... 'Whaaaa?' and then I was like... 'Ummmm'... and then I was like... 'Whatever. It obviously must be an apple because it just fell out of this here tree. But this is the ugliest apple I have ever seen.'

"So babies come from trees?" asked Fluttershy as she quickly began to consider living deep within the forest.

"Maybe. As soon as I found a plate, a paper plate that conveniently drifted over to me with a new store-bought smell to it, I put Apple Bloom on it and got in preparation to eat her. But then my parents came along and they said that she was their new baby and they picked her up and we started heading home. So I got back to being like... 'Whaaaa?' and then just had to shrug it off after that. Whenever I attempted to ask my parents about how Apple Bloom got in that tree or where she came from, they couldn't seem to think of anything. They'd be saying stuff like, 'Now Applejack... babies are... uhh... not something to really talk about at your young age,' and I just left it at that."

Twilight, with her newfound thirst to figure out if Celestia had some coverup going on, got to asking questions.

"So we have a repeating theme of forgettful parents who have just claimed that a baby is their baby... Were your parents away when you first found Apple Bloom?"

"I don't think so. I believe that they were at the house when I found Apple Bloom. They went ahead and bought groceries, but it seemed like they took a while longer than often to buy groceries.. I remember them saying that they were going to bring something home and they came back with bags, so I don't believe that they did anything suspicious."

"Were you unaware that a baby was on the way?"

"My parents also said that a surprise was on the way. I didn't know what it was, obviously. They got back home before I bucked Apple Bloom out of the tree, but I was unaware of where they went aside from that they went to the Buck Market. Suddenly, after I got ready to eat Apple Bloom, they came out of nowhere and gave me some scared looks. Probably because I was about to eat a baby, but things were simpler back then... an apple was an apple and a baby was an... apple... I dunno. Anyways, they then brought out the groceries when we finally arrived back home, which I suggested was the surprise. Because I LOOOOVE groceries," said Applejack with a sheepish smile.

"Was this tree that you bucked close to the house?" asked Twilight.

"Pretty close," replied Applejack, "But Apple Bloom is actually a really good climber, believe it or not. It's like she has some sort 'a sticky stuff on her hooves she can climb so well."

The group remained somewhat silent after that. Not even Big MacIntosh had something to say. All that they seemed to do was look down uncomfortably and kick up small amounts of dirt. So something needed to break the silence.

"Well... what do you think that Apple Bloom would have tasted like?" asked Rarity in all seriousness.

"Probably a bit sour, but a juicy sweet after-taste to counteract it... and some mystery flavor like mint or caramel that I'd have at the tip of my tongue as a guess for when I would eat her, but I wouldn't quite be able to put my hoof on it, ya' know? I only say that because she can climb so well. She must have something in her." replied Applejack in all seriousness.

The rest of the group then gave their yeahs and agreed quietly that Apple Bloom would indeed have a mysterious taste to her and that she would be sour, but she would also have some sweet, abundant juice to counteract the sour. Apple Bloom lemonade and Apple Bloom meat sounded all right to most of them, but they all, in the back of their minds, knew that they could not eat Apple Bloom.

"Do you believe that Granny Smith or Big MacIntosh would know anything about the process of making babies?" asked Twilight with a glimmer of hope left in her eyes before she and the rest of the group moved on to Pinkie Pie.

Big Mac got up and thought. Everypony stared at him. They weren't expecting an answer, but he was worth a shot.

"How 'bout it, Big Mac?" asked Applejack.

"Eeeeeyyyuuu..." the group leaned in on him, "....mmmmmmm..." they all prepared for it, "...nnnnope." The group then proceeded to sigh and slowly started to head over to the house where Granny Smith was.

The group got to the house and Twilight rang the door bell. She waited as patiently as she could, but she started jumping in place a little bit.

"Done with work already? Well I will be darned. I wasn't expecting company!" said Granny Smith with that signature smile and welcoming tone as she opened the door.

"Know anything about babies?" said Twilight with as blank an expression and as emotionless a voice as she could muster.

"We-well no," said Granny Smith with a look of worry in her eyes.

"Mmkay." Twilight closed the door right in front of Granny Smith's face and then proceeded to head to Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and Big Mac decided to tag along even thought they had work to do. The allure of solving the mystery of how babies were magically made was too much to resist.

Babies from poof and alakazam

"I'm surprised that my cake order has arrived so early. I thought that Sugarcube Corner ran out of cake from the purchase I made yesterday," announced Princess Celestia with a chuckle when she saw the letter.

But the Princess soon saw that the letter that came through the balcony in the Royal Hall was not from Sugarcube Corner, but rather from Twilight Sparkle. So she tried to guess what lesson in friendship Twilight might have learned this time around. Or perhaps, the Princess thought, Twilight finally came to realize that always using magic to move things around was a waste of some decent physical activity.

Nonetheless, Celestia unraveled the letter. She paused for a moment after reading and then started looking at it curiously like she was trying to find a piece of food in her teeth in a mirror. Celestia turned the paper over, flipped it upside-down, and everything else to find more to it.

Disappointed, Celestia asked a guard to acquire some ink, a quill, and and a piece of paper for herself. When she got what she asked for, she pressed the quill to the top of the page, leaving an ink stain.

But Celestia just sat there completely dumbfounded. She had kept the quill to the paper for about thirty seconds and had not written a single word. She couldn't think of where to start.

How exactly does a pony make babies? the Princess thought to herself.

Eventually the guards took notice and stole glances at her. Embarrassed, Celestia asked them to excuse her for a moment. The guards left whispering to eachother and, again, stealing glances at the Princess. When the guards finally left, Celestia went to the balcony.

She stared at the luminous Moon. She looked at her flank and saw her Cutie Mark. Then she began to think: What if babies came from the Sun. Did the Sun just put on sunglasses and pop a baby out and then send them to earth? Was the Sun even called Sun? What if it was Mr. Sun and not just "Sun?" Or what if babies fell from the Moon?

"Gahhh!" grunted Celestia in an aggravated tone. She could not think of a single way to make babies. To her, the question never came to mind. It was something that she herself was too embarrassed to ask when she was younger and eventually she forgot about it.If it ever came to her mind again in some way, she immediately suggested that it was something that everypony knew.

So the Princess, unable to think of an answer, got back to her Royal Seat in her Royal Hall of things considered of the utmost royal and prestigious. She grabbed the quill and paper with her magic again and wrote five simple words. She called her guards back in to deliver the letter.

Once the guards had exited to deliver the letter, Celestia had to rub her face. She felt somewhat like an idiot for not knowing. But instead of just sitting around, Celestia sneaked off into her Royal Study for some investigation that was considerably unorthodox.