The Tome of Exalted Ponies

The Sapphire Veil of Passion stylist thinks the soup is orgasmically delicious, so does anyone she splashes with the soup, and they love her for it.

…

The next day the circle made more headway into the Pear-Blossom lands, now the domain of the Sun Tiger Lords. They passed mining operations digging into the mountain-sides, fisheries set in the river that ran through the valley, and quite a few farms that appeared to focus on raising goats.

“Maybe the Sun Tiger lords like goat-milk cheese?” Shimmer wondered.

Fire Lotus shrugged: “Not much else you can use that many goats for – and cheese exports can be good money, or good rations to feed an army”

Sullen Hoof disappeared from time to time, first showing up in the evening: “They’re not making cheese. They used to, last farm we passed still have the equipment for it, but they’re not raising them for milk anymore”

“You couldn’t ask them why?” Cash wondered.

“Until their village gets the news of your scroll spread around, they’re all mind-controlled – the few I tried talking to just tried to raise an alarm, had to knock them out” Sullen Hoof begrudgingly noted.

It took three more days before the circle reached the capital of the sun-tiger lands – and curiously they didn’t run into any patrols along the roads leading to it.

It was a pretty city, mostly built of stone quarried from the nearby mountains, and good timber hewn from local forests. The guards at the city gates were quite easy for the circle to talk their way around, once more using the simple lie that the Sun Tiger lords were expecting them already – and to doubt the commands of their lords was obviously illegal, punishable by exile.

Moving through the city, Shimmer found the experience strange: “I… haven’t been in that many big cities yet, but shouldn’t there be more activity here? This smells like a marketplace, but there are no stalls, no booths…”

“You’re quite right. There is no commerce here… and look at the clothes all the ponies here are wearing: It’s the same bland rough-spun cloth. At least out in the villages they looked like they were able to make their own clothes, but this looks like a cult took over the place and decreed that potato-sacks are the new fashion” Sunrise remarked, sounding increasingly worried.

Speaker agreed: “There should be life and color in a place like this – where are the foreign merchants buying and selling things?”

“With their main export gone they probably stopped coming. I don’t know what these Sun Tiger fools are planning, but they’re bringing economic ruin to these lands” Cash noted, his brows furrowed in a grave expression.

At the centre of the city rose the castle – this was pretty normal for hundred kingdom cities – with walls, a moat, and a drawbridge which was up. It had the look of a castle that had stood for generations, with towers and expansions that grew out of the main structure, as if each successive generation of rulers had added their own flourish and details to the place. It told a story of wealth, but also one of recent conquest, with the Sun Tiger banners hanging from the walls over what was clearly Pear-Blossom carvings on the walls underneath.

This time Cash’s usual method of lying to guards about their lords wanting to meet the circle didn’t work for the simple reason that there didn’t appear to be anyone who could listen at the castle gates.

“Really? Who leaves their castle gates unmanned? That’s just bad form” Fire Orchid quipped in a most disgruntled tone.

Sullen Hoof’s voice appeared from under the wagon: “Me and Speaker could jump up to the battlements and lower the gates – but that could cause a scene”

“It certainly wouldn’t be subtle. We’re not here to attack them out right. Sully, could you zip up quietly and see if there’s a reason why the gates are unattended?” Sunrise requested. A slight rustle was the only reply she got, as Sully disappeared again.

Shimmer looked to Speaker to judge the situation, but a second later a roar from the battlements was followed by Sullen Hoof, his clothes torn to shreds, leaping from on high down onto the wagon: “They don’t have guards. They have tigers”

“Well, they do have a golden tiger on their banners… Shimmer, can you speak with animals?” Speaker said, sending a quizzical look up to the battlements, and sure enough: A tiger peeked its whiskers out, looking down at them.

Quickly considering her abilities, Shimmer shook her head: “Sorry, it’s on my list of charms to learn”

“Right – I will speak to it then” Sunrise said, getting out of the cart and trotting up in front. With her back arched she threw her hood down, revealing a mane that was as wild as it was gorgeous, framing a face that was the pinnacle of beaty. Activating a charm that let her speak to animals, one that she usually used to organize choirs of songbirds, Sunrise called up to the wall: “Hear me tigers! We are here to see your masters. Open the gate, or we will open it for you”

More growls and snarls could be heard from the battlements – as if several tigers somehow conversed.

Cash quietly wondered: “Do yall think they have a lunar in their circle?”

Shimmer nodded to herself, while Speaker said it was likely: “…but if there’s a lunar involved then it’s all the stranger that we haven’t been detected or intercepted earlier. Shimmer used to know a lot of charms that clued her in on strangers entering her territory, especially enlightened ponies”

A series of loud clicks and clangs sounded the prelude to the drawbridge coming down. The circle wasted no time enter the castle while Speaker used his charms to repair Sully’s torn clothing.

Indeed, upon entry through the gate the circle found itself flanked by two rows of tigers patiently waiting for them, giving them only room to advance up to a large opened door into the castle keep. No-one questioned what they were intended to do, Fire Lotus and Shimmer quickly pulling the cart and the circle inside.

A well-dressed mare of ceremonies received the circle, clearly moving with the eerie and jerky motions of a pony whose mind was shackled with magic: “The glorious Sun Tiger Lords will receive you shortly. Please wait”

There were no tigers in the entrance hall where circle got off their cart, only the mare of ceremonies. Exploiting the lack of anyone to stop them, Cash quickly bounded up to the mare of ceremonies and playfully poked her.

The mare instantly convulsed as snakes of golden flames erupted from her mouth and eyes. Shimmer looked on in horror, but Speaker was quick to stop her from interrupting: “She’s ok – it’s a charm that cleanses the mind of mind-control charms, just give her a moment”

Indeed, the officiously dressed mare got up again without any need for help, looking at the circle with no small amount of confusion: “I… what did you do to me?”

“I unbound your mind. You can think freely now – to which end I would like to learn what you know of your masters here, that we might best aid the ponies of these lands” Cash said, standing before the mare in all of his pomp and glory.

Several thoughts seemed to flash over the mare’s face, her confusion yielding to sadness, then horror and fear: “My masters? But they are gone… the whole Pear-Blossom family was fed to their tigers. The usurpers who hold the throne are horrible… just horrible”

Sunrise approached the mare, gently calming her with soothing charms: “Be at ease. What is your name?”

“I’m Thrice-Blossomed Lilly, mare of ceremonies. Who are you?”

Introductions were made, Lilly not appearing to question the logic of a group of magical lords from a domain over a thousand miles away who had come due to the fallout of the Sun Tiger Lords abusing the gods. Indeed, Lilly’s primary worry was the few castle guards-ponies that were still left: “They’re still under the spell of these tyrants – please don’t harm them… they were loyal to the Pear-Blossoms, we all were… all are”

With that information, the circle made its way to the throne room to meet these Sun Tiger Lords. Lilly led the way, choosing not to flee the castle. Enroute, Cash quizzed her on any surviving members of the Pear-Blossoms, learning that there were some illegitimate offspring spread around some of the villages. Cash wanted to learn more, but there wasn’t time, so he simply said: “With how they like to mind-control ponies, don’t bother with subtlety. When we introduce ourselves, everyone sounds off”

The great oak doors to the throne room were decorated with beautiful and ornate carvings. Of course, it was carvings of pears and blossoms – not suns and tigers. They swung open silently.

The throne room looked… threadbare. It was clear that a lot of decorations had been removed, those of the former rulers, leaving only some simple but tasteful banners with the sun and tiger motif hanging on the walls. The throne itself was set on a raised section of the stone floor, and on it sat a mare clad in rich silken robes. To her left stood a stallion whose garb was anything but regal – it was a utilitarian leather garb, outfitted with bits, bobs and small whistles. On her right stood a brute of a heavily armored mare with a short-cropped mane, her standing half a head taller than the one in plain leathers. This pony’s armor gleamed with a warm golden hue from the light of the braziers that lit the throne room, indicating that it was very obviously magical orichalcum armor.

The mare of ceremonies quickly trotted up and stood before the throne plinth: “Presiding: The esteemed and most resplendent Sun Tiger Lords!”

With a subtle hoof gesture, the mare sitting on the throne had a beautiful musical fanfare sound off, horn-blowers up in a gallery hidden behind banners beginning on cue.

Politely waiting for their cue to approach, despite the throne room being completely empty – there were no courtier other than the mare of ceremonies – the circle listened to the fanfare wrap up.

“Announcing: The lords of Sunhill” called out Lilly, stepping back.

Stepping forth, with Cash and Sunrise out in front, the circle approached – though Sully had disappeared a while ago, so there was no telling where he was.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had proper visitors… and lords no less. What is your business here?” the mare on the throne inquired, sounding aloof and amused.

Cash beheld the mare with a judging look: “How about we do introductions first? There is protocol to a meeting between lords. I am Cash Charmer, Lord of Sunhill, and Chosen of Celestia of the Eclipse caste”

With his caste mark lighting up, a golden circle with a with a smaller golden dot in the middle brightening up his brow, Cash motioned for Sunrise to continue. Without pulling her hood, or even bothering with eye-contact, she introduced herself as Sunrise Glow, Lord of Sunhill, and of the Zenith caste. Speaker was next, followed by Fire Lotus, and finally Shimmer: “And I am Last Shimmer, chosen of the argent mare of the No Moon caste!”

Shimmer felt a strange rush having announced herself, feeling all kinds of energized by the grand display – even if there weren’t really anyone else to witness it.

Having just been introduced to five celestial exalts, the three Sun Tiger Lords did exchange a few worried looks before speaking up. Cash probably learned a lot simply by observing these silent exchanges before the mare on the throne spoke up: “And to what do we owe such an impressive audience?”

Stomping his hoof on the ornately tiled and polished stone floor, Cash firmly stated: “Introductions, please!”

Maybe it was Cash’s harsh tone, maybe it was that he had completely ignored the subtle mind-control charm that the mare had woven into her otherwise innocent question, but she looked even less at ease after that. Perhaps that was why she had a sneer on her lip when she finally did introduce herself: “I am Golden Noon-Sun, Eclipse caste, of the Sun Tiger Lords”

The stallion with the almost casual bush-walker garb tipped his leather hat up, speaking with a southern accent that Cash would later identify a being from The Lap: “And I am known as Fang-Whisperer, the heavenly beast-master, Zenith Caste”

The large mare in heavy golden armor remained silent. This seemed to irk Noon-Sun, who actually turned to chide her: “Come on”

“I see no need to humour their request. They’re fools to come here, fellow solars or not” the burly mare said in a surly tone, her eyes gazing across the circle before her.

After exchanging approving looks from Speaker and Fire Lotus, Cash locked eyes with the armored mare: “You will be polite and introduce yourself”

It was fun to see her reaction to the compulsion from Cash’s charm. It wasn’t quite a full-on mind-control charm, but it did compel her to answer his question: “I am the Invincible Sword Princess, Dawn Caste, born to the house of Pear-Blossom, now of the Sun Tiger Lords”

Cash shared a pleased look with the rest of his circle, communicating without words that they had found a foe with little to no mental defence charms. Still, having completed introductions Cash had to follow his own protocol, explaining the circle’s plight. That the Sun Tiger lords laughed at him after he had explained the issue of the abused gods taking their wrath out on Sunhill wasn’t quite unexpected, but it certainly didn’t endear the Sun Tiger lords with the circle either.

“If that’s your reason for coming here, then you have come in vain. Begone, and make your own peace with the gods” Noon-Sun declared dismissively, waving an equally dismissive hoof at them.

Cash motioned for Speaker and Fire Orchid to speak up. They quickly explained Sunhill’s tight diplomatic relations with Lookshy, Fire Orchid noting her familial relations: “…and my full name is Karal Fire Orchid, of Gens Karal, as in Taimyo Karal Linseed of Lookshy’s General Staff is my mother. Don’t make me seek her out over this, it won’t end well for you – regardless of how many tigers you command, for they will fall to arrows and skyreme bombardments just the same”

Now, the Sun Tiger lords might never have been to Lookshy – but you had to seek out eastern tribals or very small farming villages to find ponies who hadn’t heard of Lookshy and its grand military might at all. Being told that you were facing the daughter of one of the leaders of Lookshy was a powerful message indeed. Fang-Whisperer shot Noon-Sun an uncertain look: “We can’t fight Lookshy, not yet”

Noon-Sun’s face scrunched up as if she had sipped lemon juice: “And this is why you’re not supposed to have audiences without being informed of who you’re meeting in advance…”

“Doesn’t matter” Sword Princess mused, sounding very unimpressed: “Doesn’t matter who they’re related to – just tell them to leave”

Cash would later argue at length whether Sword Princess really was the brains behind the Sun Tiger operations or not – for her calm and dismissive advice was, in his opinion, quite sound. Of course, it seemed that the pride of Noon-Sun prevented her from acting on that advice, even with Fang-Whisperer being worried.

Under normal circumstances other courtiers and advisors could have given their thoughts, but having gotten rid of such things – maybe out of vanity, or to root out loyalists to the Pear-Blossoms – meant that the Sun Tiger lords had no one else to turn to. Sunrise capitalized on this moment of confusion: “In our travels here we have seen how you have bound the minds of the ponies you lord over. We find this very offensive. This city here, all ponies wear the same rags, and your markets are closed. Whatever your plans are, they are leading this land to both social, cultural and economic ruin. We cannot permit you to continue this”

“That almost sounds like a threat” Noon-Sun cheerfully commented in Sword Princess’s direction.

Cash shrugged: “For the sake of the ponies of these valleys, it is. But we are willing to give you the option to simply change your ways. Free the minds of your serfs and citizens, and cease your abuse of the gods – promise this and we are willing to open diplomatic relations with you, peacefully. Fail to do so, and we shall render upon you as we did to a Deathlord at Deep Rot two years ago. None of you have caried your exaltations for more than a year, tops – our powers are far beyond what any of you can hope to match”

Perhaps Cash had put charms into his words, perhaps Sword Princess was just ill-tempered, but she quickly stepped forward and reared up: “You dare!?”

“Cooperate or reincarnate” Cash said smugly, leaving Sword Princess fuming.

It was sad to Speaker how misguided the martial mare was: “Of course he does. I’m former Looksyan special forces, Fire Orchid was a legionnaire now a dawn caste just like you, Cash can hold his own against deathknights. Even Sunrise could take you out and she’d do it without even laying a hoof on you”

That Speaker hadn’t mentioned Shimmer seemed to fly over the hot-headed warrior princess, for she seemed a lot more intent at reading the fighting abilities of the solars before her. Cash made a nice little show out of extruding a claw form his magical shoes of distant claws, scratching his nose. Sunrise, as always, remained stoic and near motionless, her hood still covering her eyes that none could read her face.

Sword Princess reached into elsewhere and withdrew an enormous seven foot long, one-foot wide grand orichalculcum daiklaive: “I’ll take all of you”

Cash sighed, looking at Noon-Sun who still lounged on her throne: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you”

Advancing towards the circle, her giant golden blade floating in front of her – poised to strike – Sword Princess looked a little surprised when Sunrise stepped forward to meet her: “You have got to be kidding”

Sunrise remained quiet, her breathing deceptively calm. Sword Princess raised her giant blade, preparing to strike a blow against the hooded mare before her.

Then Sunrise shouted: “Yield!”

The force of the shout sent every banner on the walls flying. The mare of ceremonies was equally knocked over, but the Sword Princess? Her blade remained floating in the air for a brief moment, until it clattered to the ground, as the blade-mare in all of her fancy armor was flung with impossible force back into – and through – the heavy stone wall of the throne room.

Noon-Sun’s eyes were wide as dinnerplates, as Sunrise turned to her. The enthroned solar flinched as Sunrise opened her mouth, but Sunrise simply said: “We get attacked by deathlords roughly once a month, sometimes more often. We are quite used to fighting other exalted ponies. None of you are, that much is obvious. Shall we resume our diplomatic negotiations?”

A rumbling by the hole in the wall signalled Sword Princess’s return, her armor scuffed and covered in dust, but the mare herself appearing largely unharmed: “I… I’m not down yet!”

“Yes, you are” Speaker said, having positioned himself at the hole in the wall. Sword Princess was in no position to parry his simple blow against her armor, not that his hoof tapping her armor plates did anything to hurt her… but she instantly slumped over.

Struggling to get up, Sword Princess screamed: “What in malfeas did you just do to me? I’ll kill you!”

With a chuckle and a shake of head, Speaker trotted back to the circle, leaving the blademare trapped in her de-attuned armor, now that it weighed the full weight of orichalcum, and not the featherweight of essence-buoyed magical metal: “I would tell you, but I don’t like you”

Hiding behind the throne, the beastmaster was halfway to a door out of the throne room when Cash shot a claw from his shoe into the wooden doorframe before the beastmaster. The chain connecting the claw to the shoe blocked the path well enough, and the claw itself sent a very clear unspoken message.

It thus came to be that the Sun Tiger lords were rounded up and brought before the lords of Sunhill. Many questions were had, chiefly to the designs of the Sun Tiger lords, which turned out to simply be raising an army by breeding and training the native tigers of the forests of the valleys, using solar training charms to endow the tigers with supernatural strength but also intelligence, so that they could be ordered around like a normal army.

“And then what? Conquer all the neighbouring kingdoms?” Cash idly wondered, sounding quite a bit as if his stated guess was not what he expected the answer to be.

Sword Princess had remained largely quiet during the séance, so she simply grunted at Cash. The circle found that charms were needed to compel her to speak. Noon-Sun and Fang-Whisperer were far more talkative, even with the deathly glares of Sword Princess. Through them the circle learned that the Sun Tiger lords had must loftier aspirations: They wanted to unite the hundred kingdoms, sweeping through them with fiercely loyal tigers and recruiting every large jungle predator that came across their way to replenish and grow their forces on the move.

It was an ambitious plan if nothing else – and to the great surprise of the Sun Tiger lords, then the circle had no real objections to their grand plan: “Honestly, the hundred kingdoms would do well with some better and more united leadership” Fire Orchid said, sounding very much as if she spoke from both personal experience and opinion.

“We might even help you – but you would have to be worthy of our aid. You would have to show that you can govern justly, without simply shackling the minds of your citizenry to enforce conformity” Sunrise Glow noted, speaking like a disappointed teacher to a group of unruly foals.

Noon-Sun sighed deeply, leaning in over the large table in the royal dining room: “And how exactly do we earn your good graces? So far, you’ve all said that pretty much everything we’ve done has been wrong”

Cash chuckled: “Saying that there is a good start. We want you to learn from your mistakes. You’re an eclipse caste – governance and commerce should come naturally to you. Speaking as a fellow of that caste, I know that you should know, that your current treatment of these valleys will leave them destitute and stripped of resources over time. Your conquest of the hundred kingdoms won’t last long if you only leave behind paupers and ponies dressed in rags”

A servant came into to the dinning room quietly, pushing a trolley loaded with a big cake and a large ceramic tea-pot: “Tea or cake my lords?”

“Oh I’ll have some tea” the beastmaster said, floating the tea-pot off the trolley and over to the table.

A single claw launched from Cash shattered the tea-pot: “We’ll all have the cake”

Fang-Whisperer looked decidedly disappointed, his essence-grip on the pot having left him floating a broke handle: “But… I’m thirsty”

“And our tea would have been the last thing you would have drank – by the way, meet Sullen Hoof, Night caste, master of disguise, cooking and poison” Cash noted, smiling just a tad too much.

Both Fang-Whisperer and Noon-Sun’s eyes went wide, as they reluctantly accepted the plates with slices of both cake and humble-pie.

The negotiations and instructions on better statecraft lasted well into the night, but the circle opted not to sleep over, instead borrowing a yeddim to fly home with as they were sufficiently satisfied that the Sun Tiger lords would better their ways.

In the skies above the hundred kingdoms, the circle reflected on their little excursion atop the flying yeddim’s howdah. Sunrise was disappointed that Cash hadn’t bound the Sun Tiger lords to a magical oath: “How can you be sure they’ll do as promised?”

“If we had oath-bound them, they would have resented us even more than what they already do now. They know that we’ll keep tabs on them via the gods, and the trade missions I promised to make to them. Trust me, what they needed were incentives to behave better, not threats of punishments if they behaved worse. You win a lot more friends with honey than with vinegar” Cash argued, feeling certain in his judgement.

Fire Orchid nodded: “That sounds reasonable – but what about Sword Princess? The two others seemed open to cooperating, but she… I don’t think she’ll honor this agreement”

Cash shrugged: “That’s another reason I didn’t oath-bind them – I think she’ll leave the two others, to find herself. A good formative adventure would probably be good for her”

“That’s surprisingly large of you. I thought you didn’t like ponies who broke their promises” Speaker mused, recalling that Cash tended to be quickly wrathful at merchants or nobles who thought they could avoid doing as promised.

“I never expected her to keep that promise – the two others, I do”

Sullen Hoof yawned, it being but a few hours before dawn: “I agree. My profiling charms put her in a very different headspace than Noon-Sun and Fang-Whisperer. Those two were willing to build an empire, but Sword Princess just wanted conquest. I think without her the other two will be much better off”

“I have to say: It’s a bit scary to think that this is the first solar circle other than… well… us… that I’ve seen us come across” Shimmer said, gazing out over the moon-lit jungles and farms that covered most of the landscape of the hundred kingdoms, the odd dot of light flickering down on the ground from a bonfire or a particularly bright magical source of light.

There was a pregnant pause, then Speaker spoke up: “That’s because the sidereals – the bad ones – have been catching solars and wiping their memories of being solars. They even did it to Fire Orchid here”

“That’s… that’s horrible Lord Bright” Shimmer blurted out, looking quite unsure of how to respond to such evil.

Nodding, Speaker sighed: “They figured that they can’t stop us from reincarnating – but by locking exaltations away in ponies who don’t know what they are, they’ve found a way to stem the tide of solar resurgence. We can’t stop them directly, but by being good examples and showing that we’re not a threat to creation, then we’ve been swaying quite a lot of them to switching sides, so they support us instead”

Shimmer nodded, trying to calm her agitated breathing: “I… I thought we’d be fighting evil warlords or monsters, not having to deal with foes we can’t catch Lord Bright”

“Oh, we have plenty of foes who are quite tangible. In fact, now that we have this business with the Sun Tiger lords wrapped up, we can get back to dealing with them” Sunrise noted calmly, but with a serious tone that left no doubt that this was speaking of war and great danger.

Her ears flicking around to lend Sunrise her full attention, Shimmer looked at the priestly mare: “What enemies?”

It required a bit of retelling of the past events, specifically the battle of Deep Rot, but by the time the circle reached the airspace around Sunhill, Shimmer had been both clued in on and horrified by the tales the circle could tell of the deathlords. In the west she had heard stories of the Silver Prince, a deathlord who ruled the western nation of Skullstone – but that had always been a far-away place… to learn that several Deathlords operated in and around the east, and all of them considered Sunhill a priority target, that was… that was a lot to take in. To learn that a Deathlord ruled a nation here in east, out in the open? And that there’s one further east somewhere, plus that one Sunrise called the Black Psychopomp? It was too much to take in.

“Take hearth Shimmer. Get a good night’s sleep, tomorrow Cash will show you around Sunhill – with any luck it’ll rekindle some memories – maybe you can mark your territory again” Sunrise said, speaking in a calming and reassuring tone.

Shimmer took a deep breath, ignoring the cheers from the ground as Cash landed the yeddim. It was still a lot to take in, but she liked how the circle exuded an energy of being in control of their situation: “Thank you. Though, why not have Speaker show me around?”

“I have a hospital to empty out. I’ve been away for a very long time – it has a long on patients awaiting my healing. Once Cash is done with you tomorrow, you can join me” Speaker added before he jumped down from the howdah.

Seeing the circle scatter to tend to their own projects, Shimmer took a deep breath. The air in Sunhill had an intense smell of pine, and yet she saw no pine trees anywhere. Getting a proper introduction to the place would be good… but at the same time part of her dreaded what she might learn, considering the strange revelations she had already been subjected to.

As a quantum of solace Shimmer found that it was quite easy to home in on the golden pyramid, the city manse where her quarters were located. It was still very weird to sleep in a bed that didn’t smell like her, yet part of her mind told that it too was her scent…