The Tome of Exalted Ponies

The Celestial Air Dragon needs no bowl for soup. The stylist contains the soup as a vapor in the air. Soup rains down into the mouth of all guests in the restaurant.

…

In the bureau of heaven, in the office of the head of the department of peculiar matters of special import, the implacable Shinning Barrator sat and grumbled. Oh, how he was furious. The discovery of a cleverly disguised listening device in his office, hidden in his favourite mosaic… oh this would not stand.

This required extreme measures.

“Get me the Green Mare. We need outside help for this” the deep baritone voice of the golden lion spirit stated through gritted fangs.

Oh, how such a statement was dangerous – and he knew it – and he knew a recording of his voice was zipping through the refined demon-thread wire to an arcane relay device, where two solars and a lunar stood ready to track the magical message that the relay would send out.

Shimmer instantly picked up the scent of hot essence working in the machine: “It’s working! Speaker, you got it working!”

“Perfect. I’ll message Barrator that he can stop repeating himself – you two track the spell. I’ll join you with Barrator and more lions”

Shimmer’s nose for magic led her through a swift chase into several nice neighbourhoods, with quite a few celestial lion sentinels questioning the two ponies what they were doing and why they were galloping around like that.

“Talk to the badge – we’re sent by Shining Barrator” Shimmer said, barely paying attention to the lion as she sniffed the air.

The celestial lion snarled: “No you listen here little pony – this is a nice neighbourhood, and you two running around on noisy hooves is causing a nuisance! There are rules to follow here!”

“Shimmer, you said the message spell descended. That means it closed in on a recipient. Is it close?” Speaker wondered, looking at the buildings surrounding the square. The gleaming lapis lazuli roofs on the nearby pagodas gleamed from the bright yellow stars dotting the sky, indicating that the mare of Journeys was ahead in the game of divinity.

The lion fumed as it sensed that it was being ignored: “Now wait just a minute! You two aren’t going anywhere!”

Giving the lion a brief look, then shaking his head, Speaker scanned the area with essence sight: “I can see the trail – it’s going in there”

Shimmer looked at the building Speaker was eyeballing. It didn’t look nearly as palatial as the other buildings in the area, but still absolutely luxurious compared to what one could get in creation. The sign out in front, set in softly glowing purple crystals, read ‘Sun-Blood Corner-club’

At that point the lion was getting really pissed: “Foolish mortals! You do not disrespect a celestial lion and live!”

“What part of us having been deputized by your boss Shining Barrator, don’t you understand?” Shimmer wondered, carefully keeping the lion in the corner of her eyes as she followed Speaker towards the corner club entrance.

The lion quickly bounded over in front of the two, blocking the entrance: “One more step and you’re dead!”

“Really? Ponies deputized by your boss? Then again, it’s the second time you’ve threatened to kill us – and you haven’t done anything yet – so I don’t think you’re going to do anything” Shimmer said, feeling confident that she’d figured out the lion’s game.

It quickly became apparent that the lion hadn’t really expected to end up a situation where it had to actually explain why it was guarding the place – why it didn’t want the duo gaining entrance into the club. Shimmer quickly circled the place, spotting the few other exits the place had, and thoroughly blocking them with her essence webbing.

By the time Shimmer got back to Speaker, who had been having fun trying to weasel an explanation out of the celestial lion – who had turned out to be curiously reluctant to actually turn to violence, probably because it would attract the attention of other celestial lions that weren’t in on whatever scheme this lion was part of – she saw Sunrise, the towering form of Shining Barrator, and a dozen other celestial lions approaching them.

The lion guarding the door looked positively terrified as it saw its boss approach – and Shining Barrator in turn looked none too pleased: “Explain yourself! I have no record any assignment to guard this estate – and baring my deputies? You are in for a thorough audit!”

Speaker saw the lion eye the closed gates into the corner club once more. It had done so, many times already while he had questioned the lion – but the gates were closed, and whoever was on the inside probably didn’t want to let the growing crowd outside in anymore.

Under the baleful glare of Shining Barrator the lion, its head bowed and its golden skin somehow exuding less of a lustre, stepped aside. It was rather interesting to see Shining Barrator next to the shady celestial lion: Barrator towered above the lion, standing almost a yard taller than his underling.

“Open up!” the great lion roared, looking eager to pound the gates down.

The gates did not budge.

“They’re whispering on the inside… I can’t hear what they’re saying, but they’re whispering” Shimmer noted.

His eyes alight with golden flame, Shining Barrator reared up, putting both of his mighty front paws on the gates and pushed. Each paw was the size of an adult pony, each orichalcum claw like a large curved dagger, scratching deep grooves in the solid jade gate: “Open this gate right now!”

The gate, despite being made of magical materials, groaned – but it held.

“Shall I? Speaker offered, Shining Barrator looking oh so pissed.

Just as the giant golden lion got down on all four again, and stepped back to let Speaker have a go at the gate, two sidereals came in on aerial rickshaws. These were not sidereals that Speaker had ever met before, but he had his essence sight on, so he instantly identified them for what they were.

“Shining Barrator, what’s going on here!?” one of the sidereals called out.

The large lion nodded at Speaker, then turned to the sidereals: “This is an active investigation, there’ll be a report for the bureau once it’s over – stay out of my way”

“An investigation with solars? What is this nonsense” one of them, a mare with a northern accent, said. The tone of her voice made it clear that she did not approve of the situation.

As the lion chief and the sidereals argued, Speaker brought the gate down with his pillar-breaking blow, the jade gate and the jade-steel hinges groaning and heaving. It was obvious that they would not hold long.

“Speaker, I can feel my webbing straining – whoever is inside is trying to flee!”

Shining Barrator’s ears perked up, having evidently paid attention to what Speaker and Shimmer were saying, quickly breaking from his conversation with the sidereals to bellow orders to the other lions with him: “Circle around and arrest anyone trying coming out of this place!”

The gates finally came crashing down, revealing the contents of the courtyard inside…

It was a lot of celestial lions. What the hell.

“Traitors!” Barrator roared, as he launched himself at them. The melee that followed was swift and brutal, Speaker, Shimmer and the two sidereals joining in to subdue all the spirits inside the compound. The place itself didn’t have much of a chance: Tables, lion-sized lounge chairs and couches, everything got smashed as enormous enforcer-spirits were flung about left and right.

The celestial lions were made by Celestia after the primordial war to be tough, to be strong and powerful enough to put down rogue gods and anyone else making trouble in Yu-Shan. This of course also meant that subduing a band of rogue lions was no easy task, compounded by the fact that celestial lions were trained in strong team-work for take-downs, meaning that even with lion on lion fights the wrestling was brutal and difficult.

Shimmer quickly realized that she was hopelessly outclassed in any kind of direct fight, instead supporting Speaker with her essence webbing, tangling his foes as he used his magical martial arts to throw celestial lions many times his size up into the air. The lions could do a lot of things, but they could not fly – and once they landed, they were securely cocooned. Speaker found their teamwork delightfully efficient.

“Here’s another!” Speaker called out, his speech a bit slurred from repeated blows by angry solid-orichalcum lion spirits, but he heaved and bucked the lion he was tussling with up into the air. Ready and well-aimed, Shimmer sprayed the lion spirit with her webbing, spinning the lion around in the air as it was wrapped up tight.

By the time the dust settled, over a dozen celestial lions had been taken down – a few had been outright killed, chiefly the ones that the sidereals had engaged, as well as several that Shining Barrator had torn limb from limb in his rage. The whole area was quickly cordoned off, and the surviving captives were interrogated in short order.

While he would much have preferred to have tended to the wounds of the loyalist lions and sidereals, Speaker was asked to assist the interrogations with his lie-detector charm, allowing Shining Barrator to quickly sus out who was lying… which was everyone.

“You shouldn’t happen to know a charm to compel them to tell the truth?” Barrator inquired, having finally calmed down, even though his massive claws were still unsheathed for all to see.

Speaker shook his head, his long beard swinging from side to side: “I… I’ve seen how mind-control charms can lead you to a very bad place. I try to stay away from them – I prefer charms that let me earn the trust of others, and let that truth be what makes them cooperate”

“Such humility. I will be sure to mention that in my final report on this. But thank you Bright Machine Speaker, for your help” Barrator replied, taking a deep breath and somehow making his golden mane shake without moving his head.

Arrangements were made for Speaker, Shimmer and Sunrise to crash in the guest quarters of the god of criminal investigations. The god, who appeared as a living flurry of paper for its body, magnifying glasses for eyes and other investigator tools for its limbs and other extremities, was very accommodating. If anything, it was a little too eager to hear of what other investigations the trio had partaken in, delighting in hearing Shimmer retell her story of having sniffed out the corpse barge port in Thorns territory, or back when the circle had tracked the rice thefts in Chung Do, or when they had pursued the demon rapist of Harlotry district in Nexus.

For Shimmer it was a bit odd, once more hearing stories of old adventures she had been part of in her past life. At first they sounded strange, alien, but as the evening progressed her memories of the events became much clearer: “And that was when Cash Charmer, the eclipse caste of the circle, was dumped outside the castle with the tendons in his legs cut by the gang he had gone to negotiate with. He was so pissed after Speaker had healed him”

“Few criminals are worth negotiating with. I assume they were dealt with eventually?” the god inquired, its magnifying lens eyes spinning around to zoom in on Shimmer as she told her part of the tale.

Feeling a bit unsure, Shimmer looked to Speaker and Sunrise, who both gave her encouraging nods, after which she continued her tale, as the night grew long – the moon shining bright in the sky of heaven, with Luna ahead in the game.

The next day Shinning Barrator called the trio to his office once more, but he was in a much better mood. The giant lion spirit was down right purring as he debriefed the trio on the aftermath of the lion bust, explaining that it seemed to have been a conspiracy of corrupt celestial lions who had wanted to keep tabs on him, chiefly to avoid him ever assigning them work that they couldn’t profit personally from.

“Profit personally from?” Sunrise asked, her train of thought not being sneaky enough to recognize a euphemism for taking bribes.

Barrator explained that upon a brief audit of the arrested lions and their work schedules, then it seemed that they had managed to snag positions as bodyguards for gods they could extort, or as security for businesses or institutions where they could exact entry fees or tolls from visitors.

“And here I thought that the celestial lions were incorruptible” Speaker said, shaking his head.

Sunrise quickly noted that ever since the usurpation heaven had slowly declined, much like creation: “More and more gods going out of work, they turn to theft, extorsion or other forms of organised crime to maintain their luxurious lifestyles. Some celestial lions even fall to this despair, choosing to enrich themselves or overlook the crimes of others for a bribe”

“Indeed – and sadly, because of all this I don’t have anything to put you three to work with today. You will have to find some other means of justifying your presence here in heaven. I am sure there are other corrupt lions who will now stalk you to find any excuse of throwing you out of heaven, as a way to strike indirectly at me” Barrator noted, not sounding happy about, but equally sounding confident that the ponies in his presence would be able to handle things for themselves.

“I do believe I can think of something. Thank you, for the opportunity to bring justice to heaven” Sunrise noted, motioning for Speaker and Shimmer to join her in leaving Shining Barrator’s office. Bidding their goodbyes, two quickly joining Sunrise.

Outside the fortress precinct, Sunrise explained her plan: “We only need to keep ourselves busy until later this afternoon – and I know just the thing: Speaker, do you recall my briefings about the spiritual status of Sunhill?”

Shimmer perked up, having been trained much of her life by her village shaman to eventually take over that role. Sunrise explained that despite all the nice things that Sunhill had, then it lacked one crucial thing: “Despite having been a functioning city state for well over a year, Sunhill does not have a god”

“Wait, you mean a god for the city, or a god for all of Sunhill’s territory?” Shimmer wondered.

Sunrise frowned: “Both – and I have been working with the gold faction to arrange meetings with the heavenly committee that assigns such gods. The bronze faction has been stalling it for ages, because with a god for the city and our lands we’ll have a much more direct connection to heaven, as well as a spiritual ally who can detect and warn us of bronze faction loyal spirits coming to spy on us”

“So, what’s the plan?” Speaker wondered, thinking that a bronze faction loyal god assigned to Sunhill could spell all kinds of trouble just the same.

From her robes, Sunrise floated out a scroll: “Through covert means the gold faction secured a few celestial signatures, inviting us to join a commission meeting. They take place quite frequently, so I believe one is scheduled for today”

“When is the next meeting? Wait, Today? Can we get there in time?” Shimmer wondered, absolutely loving the idea of getting a say of who got to be the god of Sunhill.

Sunrise nodded, noting that they would have to hurry.

Generously paying the air elemental controlling their aerial rickshaw, the trio arrived at the central offices for the bureau of pony affairs. Sure, the grand and gleaming sign of jade and crystal read “The Divine Witnesses of Mortal Works and Deeds” – but it was the celestial bureau of pony affairs, managing all things relating to pony life and civilization. The department of pony habitations managed and oversaw the gods of cities and other such things, including roads and paths, farms, and anything else pony-made. From the lowliest wood-carved toy to the most majestic city, the bureau assigned and oversaw the gods for all such pony-made things.

“We must be careful here” Sunrise noted: “This is where every rogue city and road god that extorts ponies back in creation have their friends in high places that watch over them. Like every other place in heaven, there is corruption here, and I don’t know the exact nature of how the bronze faction is stalling the appointment of a god to Sunhill”

The invitation that Sunrise had procured got them most of the way, but the bureau was vast and byzantine, so at several points various gods demanded bribes or even shrines built for them in Sunhill, before they would assist with directions or permit the three exalts to pass through their offices.

Sunrise gave them no quarter, shaming these corrupt gods verbally with righteous fury. With essence she made sure that each of them felt the greatest of regret and shame, and each of them ultimately recanted and repented, begging for her to end her torrent of harsh words, for her charms denied them the ability to simply ignore her harsh words, demanding retorts that none could muster.

Shimmer found the display of Sunrise’s verbal quite intimidating: “She really doesn’t do things like Cash does...”

“No, he’s far more subtle – plays into the vices of his foes. Sunrise just shows no mercy and demands you answer for your misdeeds” Speaker replied, as the two of them followed after Sunrise down a hall, away from the sound of a sulking god in the office they had just left.

At the correct meeting room, which really stretched the definition of ‘room’ well into the realm of ‘colossal banquet hall’, the trio entered to find a dozen or so gods well into a shouting match.

It was very difficult to hear what anyone was saying, for with a dozen divinely loud voices yelling and screaming at each other, all sounds just blurred into each other, becoming a singular wall of head-ache inducing noise.

Sunrise quickly took a step back and quietly closed the door to the room, looking at her two peers: “That… will be difficult to work with. Suggestions?”

“I saw a lot of guards and retainers in there. Looked like a lot of them brought their muscle in case a fight breaks out” Speaker noted, having spent the few seconds the door was open to scan the room visually.

Shimmer had a ponder: “If I turn into a sand newt I can squeeze in under the door and scurry in under the table – I could provide a good distraction from under there, if need be. Could be to give you two the word”

“That won’t be necessary – but sneak in none the less. Can you change into something small and unseen to spy on someone’s notes without them noticing you?” Sunrise replied, appearing to be putting a lot of thought into how to work the meeting without anyone among the three of them getting assault charges. Being on good terms with Shining Barrator could only help one out of so much trouble.

It only took a second for Shimmer to consider her other forms: “Oh I can do more than that – as a western fish-hawk I can fly around quietly up high and check everyone’s notes, fish-hawks have amazing vision”

Nodding, Sunrise put a hoof to the door and opened it quietly.

The three entered the room, but Shimmer entered unseen as a tiny sand newt, scurrying off to shift into her fish-hawk form. Sunrise and Speaker approached the cacophony, Sunrise pulling down her hood and shaking out her effortlessly beautiful fox-red mane.

Taking a few steps back, so as to not get caught in the worst of the charms she was about to unleash, Speaker observed through essence sight that his fellow lord of Sunhill began piling charm upon charm onto herself, until her very anima – the light of her soul – erupted around her:

“What is the meaning of this?” Sunrise spoke with only a mildly raised voice – but thanks to the power of her charms, hers was the only voice heard despite all the shouting. Such was the power of her silver-tongued nightingale style of martial arts, for it held the power of sound.

It took a second or two before all the gods noticed that nothing they said could be heard – that’s when another of Sunrise’s charms kicked in, one that demanded great conscious effort not to simply shut up and pay attention to her.

Silenced and for the most part paying attention, Sunrise quickly reprimanded all present gods that such infantile behaviour was unbecoming and demeaning for divinities of their station: “…now, who here is in charge of who gets to speak?”

A small spirit huddled up in a corner perked up, raising a dainty limb of folded cloth and rune-inscribed velum. Sunrise left the table and walked over to the spirit, calmly placing a reassuring hoof on the spirit: “You may speak”

“Thank you – I am officially in charge of the speaking order, but I don’t have the authority to ask any of the committee members to actually wait their turn to talk” the meek little spirit said, standing up on its three spindly legs of many-colored silk silk.

Nodding, Sunrise threw a quick glance over to Speaker who had been checking to see that none of the committee member gods did anything stupid. As he nodded back, signalling that it was still safe to proceed, Sunrise spoke: “Such a lack of decorum is atrocious. I am here to put a stop to that. Would you permit me to assume your duties here temporarily? I shall see to it that you are still paid for your services”

The tiny spirit looked at Sunrise, tears in its many eyes, for such a kind offer was clearly the first it had gotten in a very long – if ever: “I… I would gladly, but I must work less I tire”

Sunrise knew perfectly well what this meant. So did Speaker. Shimmer, high above, did not – but Sunrise said that the spirit’s mental wellbeing would also be ensured, to which end the spirit gladly consented to Shimmer taking over control of the meeting.

Speaker quickly approached the spirit and retrived a purse full of celestial ambrosia coins from his saddlebags. In handing the purse over, upon touching the spirit’s open hands, Speaker also imbued the spirit with an infusion of willpower, refreshing the heavenly clerk’s weary mind.

The spirit quickly left the room, singing happily to itself.

This left the rest of the committee at the mercy – or lack thereof – of Sunrise Glow. She quickly laid down the law, using her strange silence-inducing charm to deny anyone any ability to get a word in edgewise. Speaker only needed to step in once to stare down a martial-looking spirit that had been waved over to its master at the table, to prevent any kind of fight or attack on Sunrise breaking out.

Once her initial verbal browbeating was done, Sunrise let each god speak up one by one, which took quite a while. It was a curious display, for without anyone else being able to shout over them, it quickly turned out that none of the gods present had much at all to say… for they were clearly all there for entirely self-serving reasons. The various departments they represented all knew that having a god from their department serve as the god of Sunhill would grant them great prestige and power, and between Sunrise and Speaker’s charms then the gods on the committee quickly learned that they couldn’t lie about that.

With the committee members thoroughly dressed down, and now standing with their self-serving agendas laid bare, Sunrise looked to Speaker: “Do you have a preference?”

“I wouldn’t mind a god from the sub-department of hospitals to manage all of Sunhill. Would make sense in my opinion. What do you think Shimmer?” Speaker mused, gesturing for Shimmer to come down and land.

Flying down and landing next to her solar mate, shapeshifting back into the form of a pony, Shimmer pondered the question for a moment. In her years of training under her tribe’s shaman, she had learned to take a lot of things into consideration when finding a spirit to beckon and ask for protection: “I don’t know… I think it all depends on what the god in question demands in exchange for its services. Sunhill is rich, but I don’t think Cash would be happy if a new city god demanded a huge share of that wealth in sacrifices”

Sunrise nodded: “Sensible. And a god who prioritizes the hospital does make sense – do we have proposals from such a department?”

This was the first time the rest of the committee had been freely allowed to speak – but the gods seemed understandably afraid of speaking up. One god raised a crystalline limb, its body of swirling gems clad in transparent silks looking quite impressive, but its eyes of lapis lazuli looked fearful under the baleful gaze of the zenith caste solar.

“You may speak” Sunrise declared.

The god nodded: “Thank you. I do not believe that we have any such god currently listed, but I can produce a list of suitable candidates and have it submitted to you for final selection and approval”

A number of the other gods at the table looked quite unhappy that they hadn’t been the one to speak up first.

Sunrise looked to Speaker and Shimmer. The lunar nodded, satisfied with the proposal, while Speaker had a comment to make: “We’ve seen the legions of unemployed gods that roam the alleys and abandoned sections of Yu-Shan. I would prefer an unemployed god be given this position”

The gods found this preposterous, several of them pointing out how unemployed gods invariably go insane: “It would be madness – it would invite destruction upon Sunhill to have a mad god in charge”

“Sunhill is a place of healing. Speaker is the finest healer in all of creation. Send us the god – we will fix it” Shimmer pointed out, having figured out Speaker’s plan.

Sunrise nodded in approval: “That would also ensure that our god isn’t tainted by your inter-departmental rivalries. This god shall be ours, and we shall shape her in our image. I will expect a slate of potential gods delivered to Sunhill within a week. This meeting is adjourned”

Following Sunrise from the meeting hall back out into the maze of celestial offices, Speaker had to wonder why the priestly mare had cut things short: “What’s the rush?”

“Time. We need to be at the party soon – we’ll need time to freshen up. May Flower has outfits ready for us at her residence” Sunrise quickly explained, guiding the trio to an elevator platform and paying the spirit controlling the platform a few gold-wrapped ambrosia coins for its service.

At a landing platform the trio was picked up by an aerial rickshaw, letting them speed across the sky of heaving. While enroute the sky changed many times over, switching from sunlit day to moonlit night sky, to a dark night sky with various sets of colorful stars, be they yellow, green or red.

“Ok, seriously – what is up with the sky here?” Shimmer exclaimed in confused frustration.

Speaker tried to explain how the sky of heaven was defined by a game that the highest gods, Celestia, Luna and the five mares of destiny, played: “Whoever is ahead in the game gets the sky. Sun out means celestia, moon out means Luna… but I’ll agree with you: It’s very strange to see it switch from day to night six times over in a minute”

“We’ll address the issue of the games of the divinity in due time. Right now, you should think of how you want May Flower’s servants to clean you up. Have your choice of soaps and scented oils in mind when we land, we are short on time” Sunrise noted, as the aerial rickshaw came down among verdant hills dotted with glorious mansions and exquisite palatial gardens.

Shimmer pondered the mystery of what exactly soap was as she gawked at the magnificent mansion that this May Flower pony lived in. To not all that much surprise, Shimmer found May Flower to be a pony mare bouncing around in a beautiful silken garb, with her mane done up beautifully while wearing a most eye-catching silver diadem: “Oh there you are – come quickly. I have baths drawn up and ready!”

Sunrise didn’t resist as a swarm of celestial servants spirited her away, and Shimmer seemed genuinely curious at what was in store for her. Speaker found himself halted before the baths by May Flower.

Looking curiously at the sidereal, Speaker wondered what the chosen of secrets wanted: “What?”

It was with a pained expression that the mare, clad in her decidedly royal garbs, beheld Speaker in his thoroughly faded old military uniform: “You seriously need a wardrobe upgrade”

“I honor my past, the fallen and their sacrifice, and my own first age legacy by wearing this” Speaker answered succinctly, his expression one of having had this conversation more than once already.

The mare frowned: “You aren’t just a retired legionnaire anymore Speaker, you’re a lord now. You really should dress accordingly. Your appearance conveys the power, the brilliance and future promise of Sunhill… come on, work with me here”

Shaking his head, Speaker threw May Flower a disapproving look. Of course, his look quickly turned into one worry as the sidereal advanced on him: “Oh no, not this time”